Friend asked me not to send him a Xmas card next year

[Loletta]

Felling a bit puzzled and would like to know if I'm being unreasonable to feel like this.
I sent Christmas cards last week. Tonight my DS went out with his friends and asked me to pick him up and give his friend a lift home. The family of his friend was one of the recipients of the cards I sent. When I dropped her off, the dad opened the door and thanked me for the lift and then said "Do you mind not sending us a Christmas card next year please? Just because it's embarrassing. We don't celebrate Christmas".
I'm a bit . I'm not religious and neither is this family but in our family we still celebrate and give each other gifts. I know this family quite well, we've been on holiday together and sometimes hang out at the weekend...I was aware that they don't celebrate Christmas but thought a card would be gladly received as it's also wishing them well for the new year. AIBU to feel it's a bit of an odd thing to say?

That they are embarrassed that they can’t participate in reciprocal cards/wishes, and therefore prefer the OP not to start the thing.

That's how I read it.

I’m Jewish and send/receive Christmas cards (and have non-Jewish friends round for Hannukah each year). I can’t imagine asking someone to stop sending a card.

I think maybe I MIGHT have some understanding of the perspective of this chap... not saying this is the case, we don't know his exact reasons for not celebrating, and it may well be he's just being rude, but I'm just looking from a different angle.

For various personal reasons (too long to go into here) I decided I really didn't want to celebrate/get involved in Christmas this year as I'm finding it far too painful and upsetting. I don't begrudge anyone else celebrating it but I really just wanted to carry on and let it get past as quickly as possible as a normal day - I still do.

I told people a while back that I wished them a happy festive season, and a lovely time celebrating it, but that I really didn't want to "do" Christmas this year as it was too upsetting (they know why) and please no cards or gifts as I didn't want to get involved in all that, so I politely suggested they save their money for their own treats/celebrations/gifts for their families etc... as I don't want anyone wasting their hard earned money on me at an already very expensive time. I've made it clear in a friendly way - not in a miserable rude way - but politely and respectfully, that I really am not doing Xmas this year and I don't want to participate in parties, meals, gifts, cards etc... any of it. I'm happy just having a quiet time and catching up with stuff.

Notwithstanding this, I've had cards, gifts etc... from people who know all of the above - which is very kind of them and I've said thank you and accepted them graciously - but it's made me feel a bit embarrassed and awkward as I've not got cards or gifts for anyone. Me being me I've then had to rush out and get cards and gifts for people to reciprocate - and suddenly I'm participating in Xmas whether I wanted to or not. I know there's no obligation to do so, but I always feel if someone gets me a card/gift at xmas it's polite and appropriate to return the gesture.

So I guess what I'm saying is that this guy and his family have for whatever reason(s) decided not to celebrate/participate in Xmas - but if they then start getting cards etc... they may feel they should be reciprocating and they are then drawn into participating in xmas even though they don't want to - or they feel embarrassed that they won't be reciprocating.

Not sure I'm making sense, and I must make it perfectly clear that I know no one HAS to buy cards and gifts for others, and yes, it is the polite thing to do to graciously accept such things if given - it's a lovely kind gesture - I recognise that. But this year I've seen a bit of it from the other perspective so I kind of understand I suppose. As someone really struggling with Christmas this year I guess I've noticed more than ever how much there is a general assumption that everyone is happy and excited for Christmas and there is a tendency to forget that some people don't celebrate it or indeed, for some people, it's the worst, most painful time ever and they just want it over with and to pretend it's not happening.

Not saying the OP is right or the chap in question is right... I have no idea about what goes on in his life - we don't know if it's a religious decision (he's atheist - but so am I and my decision this year has nothing to do with that - I usually do celebrate) - or whether there is a life event that has made Christmas a particularly difficult/upsetting time - I'm just offering different viewpoints on something that may not be quite so black and white.

It is a bit odd to send a card if you know they don't do xmas, but if I were them I would just accept it as the kind gesture it was meant to be. Unless they are strongly religious then I suppose it could be insulting to get a card? I'd be a bit miffed as you meant well but I'd just let it go and don't send one next time.

I open mine, then put them in the bin. Same with birthday cards. I wish people wouldn't send them

Amen. I hate Christmas cards. I never put them up. We do a thing in work where u donate to a food Bank instead of giving cards.

I still get cards. They go straight into the recycle bin. Birthday cards stay up for 1 day and that is only cos of DD.

They make me irrationality angry. A total waste of resources. Make the place look messy and absolutely meaningless.

Only bought out of obligation

I think the correct thing for him would have been to just bin the card and not reciprocate, hoping that you would just stop sending cards since you didn't get one back. But since he was tacky enough to mention it, drop them off the list and save yourself some postage.

I think they're being precious. I have Muslim friends that send/receive Christmas cards. Christmas is hardly a religious festival. I'm atheist and I send my Muslim friends happy wishes for eid.

It doesn't matter if any non-celebrating PPs wouldn't mind a card, or would graciously accept a card. He has said nicely not to send a card next year..... END OF CONVERSATION

"You’ve sent a person who doesn’t celebrate the holiday something to do with the holiday. In what world does that make sense?"

In the normal world that we live in. I send everyone I know a Christmas e-card whatever their religion. It's me wishing them a good Christmas. They don't have to believe in Jesus to receive that message from me.

YABU sending them a card when you already knew they don't celebrate Christmas.

FGS if you really must wish them well for the NY then get a card specifically for that and not tie it in with a Christmas card. That's just disrespectful of their wishes, and lazy. Please heed what he said for next time.

Just ignore them and crack on as it makes you feel good. Oh wait...that’s a shitty thing to do

How rude of him. Any reasonably intelligent human being says thank you when friends send them greetings, from whichever religion that might be.

I wouldn't bother with people like them anymore, he has the right to be offended by people celebrating Christmas but others have the right to be opposed to rudeness and stupidity.

So he's such a die hard atheist he doesn't celebrate xmas? Sounds like a hoot

They’ve obviously said it as a bit of a dig. A bit of a ‘you are so ignorant of our cultural/religious views... ‘ sigh. It’s really irritating and patronising.

A friend did this to me once. She’s Muslim and complained to me sending a card ‘we don’t do Christmas’ in a very roll her eyes at me way. It was so rude! I’ve known her for years, even had her at my house for Christmas Day because she wanted to experience it, so of course I know she doesn’t celebrate it, I was just including her! I’m not a Christian either!

"He has said nicely not to send a card next year."

mmm...he didn't say it nicely. I bin xmas cards immediately (recycle bin) and even I think he was a snotty git about this.

I think it's really brave and great that your friend trusted you enough to ask what something others like me would like to ask but feel too embarrassed, awkward, or have just been trained that it's too rude to ask for what we'd like. It is an unusual thing to say, but I don't think either of you were being unreasonable or rude. It's not an unreasonable request and I agree that, regardless of what the rest of us think, his request is a pretty simple one to accept and respect.

I've never asked for people to not send a Christmas card, but it is really awkward if it's a visually Christmassy card - even if it also mentions new years inside - especially from people who know we don't celebrate Christmas and that my spouse and I have never sent a holiday card. There is a bit of embarrassment to be given something you can't in good faith give similar in response.

Sure, it's a nice thought but it's not enough of a thought to consider who we are and what we'd like. It's like any other present from a family or friend that shows enough care to give a present but not really any consideration of what we might want beyond a gift, if that makes sense. It's like when my grandmother bought all the granddaughters the same make-up kit, it's nice she thought to give us something and I said thank you and never told her otherwise, but it felt like she wasn't really bothered about who each of us were as individuals, that she felt just the presentation of giving and us accepting properly were all that mattered. Maybe it's because I come from the land of bullshit "thoughts and prayers" but that never felt like respect or inclusion to me, it felt like pageantry where I had to play my part or be the bad guy even if I had no clue what to do with make-up and I don't think it matched my darker skin tone anyways.

I pretty much give these cards a glance, bin them, and say thanks for the thought when I see them next. It is nice when people invite us or the kids for their celebrations, but I don't celebrate Christmas for a reason that it would be nice to have respected. I know many don't get it but I have a negative, painful association with Christmas, I was raised with it and have not a single positive memory of it. A Happy Christmas card doesn't feel like well wishes to me from people who know that it just feels like more pageantry. Maybe I'm precious or a knob, but I think it's great he was able to politely ask for what he wants and I think more power to him, if more did so, there may be fewer of us biting our tongues and binning them with guilt every year.

What a misery guts. Boo him!

I get really fucked off with these really rude threads...so what..somebody sends you a card? Are you really that rude to actually say "I don't want it". It doesn't matter who you are or what you practice, just decent human nature and good manners would accept it and say nothing at all. It's not hard. How on earth is a card offensive? Really? In the grand scheme of life? My Catholic parents received cards at all random times of the year from various denominations...why the fucking fuck would you be so RUDE as to say "I don't celebrate that"..???? No wonder the world is in the state it is. I am sorry but if you can't accept a card that has been sent with good intentions, regardless of your "beliefs" then you can't possibly wonder why the world is in the state it is.

Yeah I agree.

What really pisses me off are the nobheads who say 'I fucking hate Christmas cards! If someone sends me a card, I throw it straight in the bin.' What kind of nasty arsehole does that?

YANBU OP. Anyone who says what the person in question said to you is the same kind of tit who says 'I'm not sending Christmas cards this year - I am giving money to charity.'

I agree OP.
I don't understand this.
Just accept it and say thanks. Put it on the mantlepiece and get on with your life. You don't have to celebrate Xmas to receive a card.

I’d send an extra large one next year! 😂

@positivevibes you give off the opposite of your name!

Since when did cards become evil? They are recyclable, and socially very useful,acknowledgements and cement relationships. Of course they are not vital, but they serve a purpose. Social purpose.

Which is quite important in an age where we are getting more selfish and less connected.

That they are embarrassed that they can’t participate in reciprocal cards/wishes, and therefore prefer the OP not to start the thing

That’s how I would have interpreted it too. He was polite in asking you not to send a card. I can’t see anything wrong with that.

@Pinacolada1

Agree totally. Ridiculous attitude towards card sending.

And what pisses me off is how people say 'I don't send cards, but I give to charity instead - or a food bank.'

Big fucking deal. People who give cards do that too ya know. DUH!

I'm assuming he means it's embarrassing because they don't reciprocate and he doesn't want you to feel slighted when they don't send you one. Otherwise he's an attention seeking arse.

YANBU unless your card was very glittery in which case YABU. He could have worded that much better if he really couldn’t bin it once you left. He could have said, ‘thank you for the well wishes. Please don’t trouble yourself though-we are atheists and don’t do any of this stuff so I feel awkward not returning the gesture’ Or something.