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AIBU?

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Original poster

To give my son a potato for Christmas?

425 replies

eefa658 · 22/12/2018 17:38

Have lurked for about a year but finally made an account to ask this as I've had mixed reactions from friends and my DM...

DS 3 is a biter. We have tried EVERYTHING to get him to stop. Final straw was the other day when he tried to bite his 3 month old sister (he didn't manage to as I grabbed him) I had warned him last time he bit me that Santa would see and for every time he bit anybody from now on Santa would replace a present with a potato. He didn't listen, and tried to bite DD. I've told him that Santa has seen and one of his presents is now a potato.

I HATE not following through on punishments. I'm inclined just to wrap up a potato and chuck it in his stocking and then when he opens it on Christmas Day remind him that he was warned. I'm not going to throw away any of his presents, so he's not actually going to miss out he will just think he has.

DM and a few friends think I'm horrible. DH, DF and a few other friends think it's a great idea.

WIBU to do this? I'm running out of ideas to get him to stop and I really am losing the will to live over it. Please feel free to also offer tips on how you stopped your child biting...

OP posts:
EdtheBear · 22/12/2018 22:18

Op at the same age my son just under 4 had a grasp that Santa brought toys and had asked for 3 things. Needless to say those 3 things were under the tree not in the stocking by his bed. He was heartbroken absolutely gutted tears, sobbing his heart out.
Right in the middle of what should have been a magical moment. Took us ages to calm him down and get him to go downstairs and try to redeem the morning and moment.

Really children only get a few Christmases when they really whole heartedly believe. Don't rune it.
Deal with the biting in another way he's going through a massive upheaval with the arrival of his sibling.

KurriKurri · 22/12/2018 22:29

Some people are confusing discipline and punishment. The aim of discipline is to ultimately equip children with the thought processes to make good decisions and exercise self discipline, so that they can choose what is right or wrong when you are not with them and on into their adulthood. Punishment doesn't usually achieve this - its a short term fix.

I don;t actually agree that it is an absolute rule that whenever you issue a threat you must always always stick to it. Of course it is better not to issue unteneable threats in the first place, but if you do and then think better of it, it is fine to say to a child ' I got cross and I made a mistake. I think it would be better if 'insert other consequence'. It isn't 'backing down' it is admitting you are human but that you are a big enough person to admit you haven't thought something through properly. And that when you make a mistake it is OK to change your mind.

Teaching that you can never budge from an immediate ill thought out position adopted when angry is a poor lesson for children.

It isn't really about laughing over the idea of a child getting a potato at Christmas (which frankly is an idea I find a bit uncomfortable bordering on spiteful), it is about being empathetic to child who has gone through some major changes in the last few months and trying to understand how his world has changed and how that is making him feel - emotions he is too young to express coherently. Children (especially boys) tend to act out when they are finding change hard to deal with.

However comical some people may find the idea of the potato, it is drawing attention to something negative about the child on a special day. people (small or big) usually respond much better to having the positives and the things we like about them praised, It usually produces better behaviour. That's not ignoring or accepting bad behaviour, but you deal with it firmly and immediately and them you move on to positive behaviour reinforcement.

I'm finding this whole thread quite sad. So many people finding amusement in the idea of doing this to a child. It smacks of bullying and egging people on to do nasty things to a little boy.

OP, I think you would be better thinking about what is best for your son and whether the potato 'experiment' will actually achieve what you hope. remember the people egging you on are not doing this to their children, they are trying to persuade you to do it to yours.

EdtheBear · 22/12/2018 22:47

Good post KuriKuri.

Op please don't do it. Your LO needs to feel extra special esp as the baby won't be getting anything stupid in their stocking.

FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones · 22/12/2018 22:51

I agree with PP this is a completely inappropriate reaction. At three he needs immediate consequences, help redirecting his frustration and positive attention when he's behaving well. On Christmas morning he may well be behaving well and you're going to put a massive downer on it because of something he won't even be able to connect.

Werve1 · 22/12/2018 22:57

You need to follow this through, My son went through a stage like this! We were visiting his grandfather and he went to bite his sister. Grandpa says 'no dont be doing that or you will end up like me' and popped his false teeth out! He told my son that his teeth were taken out as he bit his little brother!! My son never bit his sister or anyone again! Grin

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 22/12/2018 23:02

Brilliant post from KurriKurri. Listen to her, OP.

He's three. That really is still very very little.

I feel very uncomfortable about the frankly rather disturbing glee of the disciplinarians on here sometimes.

poppoppop100 · 22/12/2018 23:11

Terrible parenting Christmas is not for punishing children

MsJolly · 22/12/2018 23:30

You’ve said it now so need to follow through- but like the idea of an earlier gift with a letter-you could also try and get a dog toy chew that looks like a potato-bite this instead?!!

Pinknike · 22/12/2018 23:35

Ffs, another day another hideous, spiteful thread about being cruel to a young child, some of you really don't have a fucking clue about child development.

Listen to kurrikurri she talks sense.

WhiteDust · 22/12/2018 23:40

You have to give him a potato.
You say he understands because the threat of another one makes him stop!

italiancortado · 22/12/2018 23:43

Bloody hell what an awful thing to do Sad

jxnx · 22/12/2018 23:45

Do you have a male relative/friend you could save ynder "Santa" on your phone have a parcel delivered in Monday with the potato in it with a chat about behavior and a day to think about it before the big event?

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 22/12/2018 23:47

I would string a few potatoes to on the tree and say that Santa put them there. Santa can see what a good boy he is and that he doesn’t mean to hurt others and make them sad, and the potatoes are a reminder not to bite.

Original poster
eefa658 · 22/12/2018 23:53

I was only joking about the fact that some people think it will traumatise him. Not at the fact it would be funny to give him the potato.

DS is recognising the fact that there is consequences to his actions because of this. Today he told DH at bed time that he was being good because he wants toys not potatoes. He will be getting a potato - along with a chart that means if he doesn't bite and behaves well up until first of jan then he will get his toy back. Then lots of positive reinforcements from then on.

I know my son, and I know this is more likely to work than a time out or a slap on the wrist (which I would never do). He responds to stuff like this. He is not a babyish 3, he is 4 in a month and is incredibly bright. I am confident of this plan of action, else I wouldn't do it.

I will update with how it goes down - if it ruins Christmas I will come back and grovel to you all about what a shit idea it was. If it goes well, I will probably do a humble brag. Goodnight all x

OP posts:
PinkAvocado · 22/12/2018 23:53

No! YABVU. Firstly at his age deferred punishments are not effective. Consequences need to be immediate for him to make any connection. Secondly it is not really teaching him why we don't bite. Thirdly it will put a downer on Christmas morning, when he might be behaving well. Just a really bad idea all round

I agree with this. It’s really not appropriate and I think more revengeful than disciplining.

Original poster
eefa658 · 23/12/2018 00:02

Just a quick addition: I do also consider myself to be an alright mum! I had a shit childhood with incredibly abusive parents and was eventually adopted. I would have been lucky to get a potato by itself. I have a very naughty son who doesn't respond well to discipline and this potato nonsense is the only thing in a long while that's made a difference to his behaviour. I would never berate, make fun of, talk down on or bully my children.

I have become a bit obsessed with disciplining him properly without being abusive. I worried to begin with that I would be a carbon copy of my own bio mum so was a little lax with telling him off when he was younger so it's probably my own fault that he's naughty now. I also have this intense fear that without proper discipline he will somehow turn out like his bio grandparents too - I just want to nip this biting thing in the bud ASAP and like I said this is the only thing he has properly responded to.

OP posts:
Original poster
eefa658 · 23/12/2018 00:03

@PinkAvocado it hasn't been illogical for him though. Not every child is the same, he is my first child and I'm learning as I go with this stuff and as it turned out, not many parenting books have actually been that helpful.

OP posts:
Summersun111 · 23/12/2018 00:10

I love this hahaha!

PinkAvocado · 23/12/2018 00:11

It is illogical. What has biting got to do with a potato?!
The punishment is neither timely nor reasonable. It is revenge.

Original poster
eefa658 · 23/12/2018 00:17

@PinkAvocado it would be revenge if I had said 3 months ago, be careful else you will get a potato for Christmas, then he was well behaved for 3 months but I still filled his stocking with potatoes and no toys, then when he opened it on the day laugh in his face really loudly. But I haven't done it.

For a few days he has commented about getting a potato from Santa if he's naughty, then he tried to bite his sister (and when I stopped him, had a massive tantrum and threw a toy against the wall - again something he knows he shouldn't do) so I said to him he will now be getting a potato instead of one of his presents. He will not forget after 2 days! I don't think he's ever forgotten anything in his life (annoyingly).

OP posts:
PinkAvocado · 23/12/2018 00:19

But what are you going to do when he bites after Christmas and can’t use Santa and potatoes as a threat?

Dilligaf81 · 23/12/2018 00:21

Why wouldn't you do it? It may shock him into stopping or he can bite on the potato instead.
I have done this with my youngest. She got about 6 potatoes for bad behaviour. I had to get them back to make the roasties.

PoutySprout · 23/12/2018 00:25

I have become a bit obsessed with disciplining him properly without being abusive.

Discipline means to learn. It does not mean punish. Eg prisoners are not disciplined by being imprisoned. They are punished, but most do not learn from it. It takes something cleverer to change behaviour.

dingledangles · 23/12/2018 00:45

I think people have a cheek coming on here saying the things they have said. OP has not been cruel or tried to bully or shame her child.

Yes we made a joke of it because some of the comments have been frankly pathetic. There are real issues in the world and this is not one of them.

OP came on here for genuine advice on how to manage this and she has taken on that advice and is looking at doing this in the best way possible for her son who seems very intelligent.

Could everyone please note that OP's son was biting for his sister was born, not as a result of the difficult life changes he has been through.

OP is not ruining the magic of Christmas for her child, neither is she trying to traumatise him.

OP are you going to give it to your son before Christmas so the events can be separate but it can still be from Father Christmas? Then you can be safe in the knowledge that he will enjoy his magical day and not link the two, but it will still have the desired effect?

This isn't a punishment OP as you already know, it is a learning curve for your little boy, it's not like you're trying to lock him in a cupboard until he stops biting

Sorry to anyone who I offended by making light of this, but I would never ever condone someone being cruel to their children. OP sounds like a lovely mum who genuinely cares for her children's well-being.

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