To give my son a potato for Christmas?

[eefa658]

Have lurked for about a year but finally made an account to ask this as I've had mixed reactions from friends and my DM...

DS 3 is a biter. We have tried EVERYTHING to get him to stop. Final straw was the other day when he tried to bite his 3 month old sister (he didn't manage to as I grabbed him) I had warned him last time he bit me that Santa would see and for every time he bit anybody from now on Santa would replace a present with a potato. He didn't listen, and tried to bite DD. I've told him that Santa has seen and one of his presents is now a potato.

I HATE not following through on punishments. I'm inclined just to wrap up a potato and chuck it in his stocking and then when he opens it on Christmas Day remind him that he was warned. I'm not going to throw away any of his presents, so he's not actually going to miss out he will just think he has.

DM and a few friends think I'm horrible. DH, DF and a few other friends think it's a great idea.

WIBU to do this? I'm running out of ideas to get him to stop and I really am losing the will to live over it. Please feel free to also offer tips on how you stopped your child biting...

Some people are confusing discipline and punishment. The aim of discipline is to ultimately equip children with the thought processes to make good decisions and exercise self discipline, so that they can choose what is right or wrong when you are not with them and on into their adulthood. Punishment doesn't usually achieve this - its a short term fix.

I don;t actually agree that it is an absolute rule that whenever you issue a threat you must always always stick to it. Of course it is better not to issue unteneable threats in the first place, but if you do and then think better of it, it is fine to say to a child ' I got cross and I made a mistake. I think it would be better if 'insert other consequence'. It isn't 'backing down' it is admitting you are human but that you are a big enough person to admit you haven't thought something through properly. And that when you make a mistake it is OK to change your mind.

Teaching that you can never budge from an immediate ill thought out position adopted when angry is a poor lesson for children.

It isn't really about laughing over the idea of a child getting a potato at Christmas (which frankly is an idea I find a bit uncomfortable bordering on spiteful), it is about being empathetic to child who has gone through some major changes in the last few months and trying to understand how his world has changed and how that is making him feel - emotions he is too young to express coherently. Children (especially boys) tend to act out when they are finding change hard to deal with.

However comical some people may find the idea of the potato, it is drawing attention to something negative about the child on a special day. people (small or big) usually respond much better to having the positives and the things we like about them praised, It usually produces better behaviour. That's not ignoring or accepting bad behaviour, but you deal with it firmly and immediately and them you move on to positive behaviour reinforcement.

I'm finding this whole thread quite sad. So many people finding amusement in the idea of doing this to a child. It smacks of bullying and egging people on to do nasty things to a little boy.

OP, I think you would be better thinking about what is best for your son and whether the potato 'experiment' will actually achieve what you hope. remember the people egging you on are not doing this to their children, they are trying to persuade you to do it to yours.

Yes, couldn't agree more. It is a very sad thread.

Do it. If you make threats to a child you have to carry them through, otherwise the child will suss you out and ignore your threats forever. You have to have boundaries and you have to have consistency, or chaos will ensue. Get wrapping that potato.

Op please back down on this. Ignore the people who say you have to carry it through. Hes not quite 4, had a massive upheaval in his life, and Christmas should be an amazingly happy day.

You can back down "Santa says if your really good between now and Christmas you won't get potatoes".

This is probably the first Christmas he really really understands don't throw a dampner into it.
Why on the day that he's looked forward to for weeks and months. Get him all hyped up super excited to bring him down like a lead balloon?

Put yourself in his boots. Your trying to be good. Mega excited. Your hoping for new toys. Still feeling pushed out by the baby who takes up all mum's time and who's naughty and screams ALL the time.
You get up baby only gets nice thing's and you missed out on something good.

But mummy I've been good for days ( ages in a excited kids brain).

I think its sad that people are encouraging this from you. I think its almost spiteful.
If he gets distraught over it how are you going to calm him down and get him to enjoy the day???
"Oh it doesn't matter you've got xyz else" at which point the saga is for nothing.

It would be extremely distressing for most 3 year olds.

The poor boy. This really isnt kind. I am wondering if your background is making you harsher on him than you need to be. He is only 3 and although I have older children I wouldn't be punishing them on christmas day. At t he heart of behaviour is connection, they need to feel that they are loved and they are okay. Christmas day is a day to love unconditionally in my book.

Anyway separate from my believes going forwards I can really recommend a book , "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk." I too had a v difficult childhood and in my case I became obsessed with child development and parenting, so read a lot (and did a psychology degree..) I have a ton of issues myself I didnt want to pass on so def recognise that.

And all Edthebear says.

I can't believe the people who are saying this is cruel - it's just a potato ffs!!!!! Oh and he'll have £200 worth of presents right next to it!
If it stops OP's son from biting then it'll be the best potato she's ever bought!
Blimey, anyone would think you've threatened to give him a bag of heroine or a bomb or something

You dont understand how a 3 year old thinks

If it stops OP's son from biting then it'll be the best potato she's ever bought!

It won't stop him from biting. That's the point.

Sorry, just saw that you're also looking for tips.
DD (2.5) was a biter. It was at its worst when I went back to work full-time. So, firm voice, "No, don't bite." Put down if holding. Try not to scream. It is attention-seeking behaviour so don't reward it with too much attention, but at the same time you must communicate that it is unacceptable. She has bitten all her family, me, DP, my DM who looks after her, but never other children. We were very firm about it, and consistent. So all smiles stop, the voice is very firm. Occasionally "No, don't bite" is reinforced with something like "It's not kind to bite because it hurts people."

If you do it I think you need to put an unwrapped potato under the tree now, he needs to physically see it as a reminder. Then if he goes to bite you can say another present will be replaced with a potato. If he bites then take a present away and put another potato, straight away after the bite. If he doesn't bite he can earn those presents back and get them on xmas morning.
If the potato present has actually meant he's changed his behaviour and stopped biting then he can link an outcome to his behaviour. If it's already working and it's the only thing that has.... I'd use it.

I like the idea of the dog chew toy.
We have a few kids at school who bite (SN) and they usually have chewy toys - need to be special asn ones that you can get from amazon or they bite bits off. Google sensory chew necklace

But in the meantime defo get a dog one that maybe doesn't look like it's designed for dogs. Each time he goes to bite give him that. It works for us and saves our arms (usually)!

Great idea. Like the others say, maybe try get him to "earn" back his non potato gift. Otherwise go for the potato present. Definitely keeping that idea for mine later down the line (my god I'm dreading it if mine starts a big biting phase).

Be careful OP that potato may become his favorite present.

Before I was born when my mum was a child her sister had a major strop on Xmas eve.

In the morning both her sisters had pillowcases full of toys, my aunt had a potato and a piece of coal. Her parents showed her Santa had really hidden her toys behind the settee but the col and potato were because of her behaviour.

My aunt spent the whole day playing with coal and a potato, her parents spent the day getting more and more upset that she was ignoring the toys and treats.

I love the potatoe idea. Don't wrap it though, just leave a big jacket spud in his stocking. Hopefully it will help with consequences but is also something he may remember into adulthood. My dad wrapped up an box with an apple in it instead of a PlayStation for my brother (they had actually got him a PlayStation) and we still talk about it 10 years later.

However comical some people may find the idea of the potato, it is drawing attention to something negative about the child on a special day. people (small or big) usually respond much better to having the positives and the things we like about them praised, It usually produces better behaviour. That's not ignoring or accepting bad behaviour, but you deal with it firmly and immediately and them you move on to positive behaviour reinforcement.

Absolutely agree! This thread is really sad and frustrating. My children are a bit older now, almost 5 and 9 and they are beautifully behaved. And yes that is a brag, I don't care, it's called positive behaviour reinforcement and it works like a dream! No potatoes. Bad behaviour quickly nipped in the bud by a few harsh words and then very quickly giving the child a way to redeem themselves "I know you can be a better big brother/ sister than that, why don't you come and show your sister how good you are at XYZ".

And lots of praise.

Do none of you ever have a really nice afternoon out with your kids, they are behaving brilliantly and so you are really relaxed, you are telling them how good they've been and notice how positively they react to this? I usually find if I comment on how good my youngest is, she tries to do even better. Why would you want to swap this for potatoes in stockings and earning them back for something that happened weeks ago, with a three year old. It's genuinely baffling.

Whilst I don't believe in using Santa as a punishment it's already done now so you should follow through.
Have a look at a book called Teeth are not for biting.
Also have a look at a site called Chewigem they do lots of different jewellery meant for chewing. My son has a glow in the dark skull and some dog tags which work well.

Definitely do it OP.

Maybe if his biting continues, then giving him a bar of soap to bite into will get the message across.

That is one sure way to make him hate his baby sister. Its Christmas. You will ruin it for your son. Dont do it.

I have to agree, the OP acknowledges that the biting is an attention issues. That should be the focus. (I’ve been where the OP is, it’s upsetting and difficult, and She’s obviously tried other tactics). But any attention is good attention at this age. It’s why tantrums are so appealing to toddlers. Usually I’d say ignore the bad and focus on the good, but you can’t ignore biting. I sympathise with the OP, but I don’t like this idea one bit.

It’s barmy to draw attention to the biting when it’s not actually happened at that moment. ‘This is because you were naughty another time’. A deferred punishment.

@KurriKurri 's post is one of the best I've read on Mumsnet.

Think it's a really unpleasant thing to do to a 3 year old.

How will a 3yr old remember a potato?

I'd limit the presents he can open to 2 or 3, the rest he has to earn back for not biting over a period of time.

An absolute no no.

Sounds like u r going to go ahead anyway despite what people are saying but Imo u r still b v v unreasonable.

It is easily explained by ur own childhood however - u have a history around presents in that it sounds like u didn't get any :( .. for example. What's your history around anger for example? You are punishing his anger so I wonder what your experience of your own and other peoples anger is/was like.

Ur LO also gets angry, throws a toy against a wall and your answer is threatening potatoes instead of presents from a benevolent magical character. Really sad. Imo he needs to learn about his anger and how to express it appropriately and how it is ok and normal, but that we dont throw things when we are angry. Emotional regulation and impulse control - two of the big lessons at his age. But, ok, punish him instead for being essentially normal.

Very sad thread. Feel sorry for him :( . You also say if it ruins Christmas you will come back and tell us. What will he be able to do about his ruined Christmas? Who will he be able to talk to about it? Sounds like this is about you more than him, but then often these types of things are.

'Maybe if the potato doesn't work a bar of soap will'
Jesus wept. What fresh hell is this?