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AIBU?

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Original poster

To give my son a potato for Christmas?

425 replies

eefa658 · 22/12/2018 17:38

Have lurked for about a year but finally made an account to ask this as I've had mixed reactions from friends and my DM...

DS 3 is a biter. We have tried EVERYTHING to get him to stop. Final straw was the other day when he tried to bite his 3 month old sister (he didn't manage to as I grabbed him) I had warned him last time he bit me that Santa would see and for every time he bit anybody from now on Santa would replace a present with a potato. He didn't listen, and tried to bite DD. I've told him that Santa has seen and one of his presents is now a potato.

I HATE not following through on punishments. I'm inclined just to wrap up a potato and chuck it in his stocking and then when he opens it on Christmas Day remind him that he was warned. I'm not going to throw away any of his presents, so he's not actually going to miss out he will just think he has.

DM and a few friends think I'm horrible. DH, DF and a few other friends think it's a great idea.

WIBU to do this? I'm running out of ideas to get him to stop and I really am losing the will to live over it. Please feel free to also offer tips on how you stopped your child biting...

OP posts:
Original poster
eefa658 · 22/12/2018 20:10

@dingledangles that's a great idea! Will have to try that when he's a little older. Much charitable.

OP posts:
dingledangles · 22/12/2018 20:12

Eefa I'm sorry but he'll be too traumatised by then.

belinda789 · 22/12/2018 20:19

" bit her baby sister quite hard, and so her Dad bit her, she was shocked and upset, but she didn't ever bite anyone ever again".

Works with horses too. (irrelevant I know - sorry)…………...

Auntiepatricia · 22/12/2018 20:22

Give him the potato. Kids in stable, loving homes are not the delicate flowers people on Mumsnet like to make out. I bet he’ll fling it away and not give it another thought then maybe mention it 8 months later and take the lesson board.

BollockingBaubles · 22/12/2018 20:24

Lots of parents would use Christmas for discipline, I'd hear them making various threats when dropping them off at Nursery or at collection and can honestly say behaviour didn't improve, sometimes got worse.

Then in January the threat would be binning all the gifts or sending them away, that also didn't make a difference either.

I knew I'd never follow on threats of no gifts, getting rid of a gift, so didn't make any threats about Christmas, but totally understand why so many parents do.

His age means it could be the first one where he remembers and he won't have the capacity to understand he hasn't lost a gift until he's older.

I'd be inclined to give him a wrapped potato now, leave with a note from Santa saying he has sent the potato early so that when he feels angry or frustrated it like he wants to bite, that he should bite the potato and if he gets til Christmas Day without biting his sister he will get the gift back. Maybe Santa could even switch the potato for an apple or a carrot and say there's no potatoes left at Lapland.

That way you've not backed down on a threat and he doesn't open a potato on Christmas Day.

ihatehoney · 22/12/2018 20:28

@joenick123 😂😂 that's so funny

MerryMax · 22/12/2018 20:35

@BollockingBaubles has got a great idea. That way Santa is helping him. And if it works keep the fresh potatoes flowing!

shiningstar2 · 22/12/2018 20:42

he's 3...going on 4 ...and dealing with all the emotions of a new baby in the household. Please don't upset him at christmas with potatoes, consequences for past behavior ext. He isn't the first and he won't be the last to bite at this age. He'll grow out of it ...time and patience. have a good relaxing christmas op.

ajandjjmum · 22/12/2018 20:46

Haven't read the full thread, but we always used to put a couple of potatoes in with our DC's presents, together with a label saying why they had them.

Now in their 20's, they joke about how they used to dread seeing the silver foil, knowing they'd lost a present. Our DC were (are!) spoilt, and we felt it was grounding, and certainly did them no harm. We used to use the potatoes as part of Christmas lunch, so they weren't wasted.

By the same token, when DS had to wear an orthodontic plate as a small boy, the orthodontist wrote to 'Santa' and he had a special present that he wanted, because Santa was so proud of him. Works both ways.

Worth a try OP.

Doggydoggydoggy · 22/12/2018 20:48

DO IT.

I definitely would

Onatreebyariver · 22/12/2018 20:48

great idea. always follow through and maybe it'll help him remember not to bite.

there are some soft as hell parents on this thread...

Elzbells · 22/12/2018 20:50

I've been threatening my 2 (11 and8) with losing presents if they don't behave all month.

One is getting a bag of walnuts from Santa and the other is getting a bag of satsumas. They will get usual presents from "us" but I'm making a point.

My brother actually followed through with his threat years ago and bought my 9 year old niece nothing for Xmas apart from a lump of coal. We were all horrified but she's grown up now and off to university and laughs about it now. It did work! Although I would never do it.

SadOtter · 22/12/2018 21:02

My much much younger little brother went through a biting stage, little shits favourite trick was to crawl under chairs and bite the back of peoples knees, I have a little scar where he was good at always getting the same spot and drawing blood.

Mum tried all sorts to stop him then one day we went to the local park and mum kept him strapped in the pushchair watching us have fun and told him it was because he couldn't be trusted not to bite anyone. He promised he would never bite again and as far as I know never has.

CheshireChat · 22/12/2018 21:15

My son is 4 and he would've absolutely made the connection at 3, surprised how many people are convinced that he's way too young.

Warpdrive · 22/12/2018 21:16

I just wanted to say my DS was a biter. He bit everyone:his sister, cousin, random strangers in the park...
It was embarrassing and made me feel utterly powerless because he didn’t respond to being told off. He grew out of it in the end. Hang in there OP!

JingleAllTheQuack · 22/12/2018 21:22

It will be very hard for him the explain this to his therapist in 20 years. As someone has said - he will remember this FOR EVER. At 3 it could be his first memory. It could be very traumatic which you clearly don't want it to be!!!!

One of my earliest memories is of an "extreme" punishment I received for badly misbehaving just after my brother was born. I was a little younger than the OP's DS at the time.

Yes, it stuck it my head, but I assure you that I'm not traumatised by it! I never repeated the incident that prompted it and I grew up well behaved, well rounded and happy.

sdaisy26 · 22/12/2018 21:22

I think it was a stupid threat and personally hate the whole ‘behave for santa’ thing, it’s rubbish extrinsic motivation and doesn’t teach good long term habits imo.

However. You have threatened it so need to do it.

I had a biter btw (though it was mostly over by the time she was 3). It is horrible and people react so much worse to biting than many other behaviours. We ultimately had success with a very consistent script, immediate consequence (of time out) and reading the book ‘teeth are not for biting’ after every bite and lots of times in between too.

Armadillostoes · 22/12/2018 21:36

It is amazing how many posters don't appear to know the difference between something potentially damaging and inevitably damaging. Lots of small children run into roads every year because their parents have a momentary lapse, but fortunately aren't hit by a car. This doesn't mean that running into a road without looming is safe or a smart idea. This kind of punishment and method is likely to be harmful. Random stories about individuals experiencing similar things and not experiencing harm prove nothing. Likely doesn't mean certain.

CheshireChat · 22/12/2018 21:39

I'm also a big baffled how you're supposed to discipline a kid- don't use timeout, don't use rewards/ punishments.

I know natural consequences are popular now, but for biting for ex, they don't work.

And distraction is virtually useless with a kid like mine who has a one track mind and will not allow himself to be distracted even when very young.

Haffdonga · 22/12/2018 21:45

Take out a present, put in the potato with a letter from Santa explaining.

Dear DS
You are a very good boy and so I am giving you lots of presents today. But I have one more special present for you. I will come back specially to give you the present as a big thank you when you stop biting people at times that you feel cross. I will keep the present very carefully for you and I am looking forward to bringing it to you when you are a big boy who never bites people .
Love from Father Christmas

SofiaAmes · 22/12/2018 22:03

CheshireCat sometimes discipline is not the solution. It sounds like in this case the OP's ds (and perhaps yours) is craving attention and is getting it by biting. Punishing him either in the moment or with potatoes at Christmas is not going to solve the problem and in fact will do the opposite as it will give him even more attention of the negative kind thereby reinforcing that his bad behavior will get rewarded with attention. My recommendation (this worked well with my dd) is to make a concerted effort to give him more positive attention - a cuddle every hour, or a special book time every day or something similar, but more than what he is getting now. If he is getting enough attention, he will stop seeking it out. And better to give positive attention than negative.

CajunShrimp · 22/12/2018 22:06

I’m all for following through on punishments, but I think at 3 years old this will be too deferred to wait until Christmas. My 3 year old certainly wouldn’t understand why she was suddenly getting a potato for Christmas. I think it’s best to come up with an immediate punishment when he bites , so he associates the two things.

Lovingbenidorm · 22/12/2018 22:08

I totally agree with immediate punishment, but I also feel very strongly that you must never threaten then not follow through.
Op told DS he would get a potato if he bit anyone
He bit

TheABC · 22/12/2018 22:12

Yes, you need to follow through but don't be surprised if it backfires. My DS took a piece of plumbers pipe to bed with him at 3 and my DD(aged 2) named all the carrots yesterday. Tis very inconvenient as she screamed when I tried to peel them tonight. Carrot may be off the menu for the time being.

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