To give my son a potato for Christmas?

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Have lurked for about a year but finally made an account to ask this as I've had mixed reactions from friends and my DM...

DS 3 is a biter. We have tried EVERYTHING to get him to stop. Final straw was the other day when he tried to bite his 3 month old sister (he didn't manage to as I grabbed him) I had warned him last time he bit me that Santa would see and for every time he bit anybody from now on Santa would replace a present with a potato. He didn't listen, and tried to bite DD. I've told him that Santa has seen and one of his presents is now a potato.

I HATE not following through on punishments. I'm inclined just to wrap up a potato and chuck it in his stocking and then when he opens it on Christmas Day remind him that he was warned. I'm not going to throw away any of his presents, so he's not actually going to miss out he will just think he has.

DM and a few friends think I'm horrible. DH, DF and a few other friends think it's a great idea.

WIBU to do this? I'm running out of ideas to get him to stop and I really am losing the will to live over it. Please feel free to also offer tips on how you stopped your child biting...

Biting, like kicking, pinching etc is an expression. And he's three. Normal part of learning to say what he is needing/wanting/feeling. It doesn't happen in a vacuum surely. He is expressing something. Give him language instead. Make him apologise. Tell him it's not ok etc.

But replacing toys from what is meant to be a benevolent magical character who knows they are essentially good and deserving is really tight. Get over not following through this one time. He probably won't notice if 90% of the time you are consistent and fair.

@Medicaltextbook don't worry I won't let him eat a whole raw potato!

I would perhaps do, swap a potato for a gift everyday (so at bedtime or just before) he has not bitten for over the next week.

I would also put more than one potato in the stocking.

Day by day would work better due to his age than waiting the two weeks.

I would do it... I’d also do the warning wrapped up potatoe ... my son was a biter. he also stopped when I bit him back... he broke my skin and left a massive bruise. I actually don’t think he knew it hurt until I bit him back, he just liked the reaction of attention... even if it was just the attention of being removed and sat on a step etc. also he ‘won’ whatever argument he was having with the other child ie they let go of the toy and he got it (even though it was taken off him and given back to the other child). Good luck op

@Reaa good idea. Will try that, thank you!

No issues with that. They need to learn consequences.

@roundaboutthetown I am having visions of him sobbing to a psychiatrist about the time he got £200 worth of presents and a potato. The TRAUMA!

You don't really want to know if YABU do you ? You think this is funny . But the joke is between you and other adults who agree with you, and the butt of the joke is a four year old. It's quite easy to outwit and humiliate little children - not something for congratulation. Think of an appropriate punishment for biting and give up on your potato fixation.

Of course you could always say that if he doesn't do any biting and tries really hard to be kind and gentle, Santa will bring him an extra present, Then instead of a little boy in tears on Christmas day, you can have a little boy who is getting praise and attention for good, desirable behaviour.

If we ever bit my mum used to bite us back. Soon stopped us.

I've never felt the need to see a therapist and it's never done me any harm lol

You need to get the biting under control before he starts school.

I’m quite impressed with the ingenuity of a potato and think your punishment sounds fair enough tbh!

@KurriKurri you may have slightly overreacted. I love DS very much. He is certainly not the butt of my joke, and I certainly wouldn't do anything that would do permanent psychological damage. I know my son, and he is more than likely just to adopt the potato as a bloody pet. It's just that he hasn't quite grasped that actions have consequences yet - and I believe this will help. He's a very bright and funny little boy, and if I thought anything would effect that I wouldn't even consider it.

I don't love the idea of threatening losing gifts or using Santa as a threat, but things easily slip out and I understand your sheer desperation at this situation! It's a phase that feels like it will never end.

If your son totally understands the concept I would go with it, could the potato come with a 'no biting chart' and he has to get a tick for each day he doesn't bite, to earn back the present?

And then if he bites again after gaining back the present, that present can be taken away again and the chart resurrected?

@dingledangles a chart! I like the sound of that. I will get my craft on tomorrow and my child will be a bite free zone by the end of January! Thank you!

OK - maybe I have - I just find using Christmas as a threat a bit upsetting.
I don't doubt for a second that you love your son dearly - I just disagree over the potato business

@user1471530109 reiterating what a pp said, it sounds as if your daughter thinks she's not worthy of presents and feels shame for her behaviour but isn't able to control :-( she's a lot older and more self aware than OP's son and this could definitely be damaging. Can you request a different gp, request a referral, have the school said anything?

I was at a psychology conference which was fascinating. Part of it focussed on shame. Humans will do almost anything to avoid feeling ashamed, even kill. You are deliberately trying to humiliate/shame your child which is bound to backfire. If not now, then in future. This is a very very cruel thing to do to a small child who is struggling to work out the family dynamic now that he has to share his parents with a baby he didn’t ask for.

Personally I'd go for it, when he sees all his other presents I don't think he'll be crying about a potato. I reckon get him to help chop it up and roast it for your Christmas dinner

I agree with the preliminary advent potato plan. DD was an awful biter, she is at high school now and totally lovely. This phase will pass

There’s a biter aged 3 (nearly 4 now) at DS’s preschool. He’s actually under the care of the SENCO, withinput from the GP and health visitor. Does your DS go to nursery? Does he bite there? What coping strategies have they advised?

I'm really not sure why everyone says OP is trying to humiliate or shame her child????? WHAT! He has been told this will happen, there is no shame or humiliation involved, she isn't going to present the potato to him and make him parade down the street whilst all the neighbours come out and point and laugh, are you OP? Maybe you should arrange this actually as after all the children he is biting (especially your daughter) will be in therapy for life for being bitten.

Deferred punishments are not likely to work with a 3 year old. You need something immediate. I also don't like the idea of using Santa/ Christmas as a punishment.

I would put hime on the naughty step for 3 minutes, consistently, every time he bites. He will get it eventually. (I am not usually a huge fan of the naughty step, but in some situations, where you need a zero tolerance approach, it has its place).

You can combine this with lots of praise for any positive behaviour towards his sister, and perhaps a small reward on days when no biting has happened. And of course lots of positive attention generally, as with a new sibling he has had a big change to his life.

Plus this isn't really a deferred consequence, he WILL link this to the event of what he did, because OP is going to explain, plus accompany with a letter etc. I think it's a good learning curve, there are obviously no obvious additional needs here otherwise OP wouldn't be considering this!! He seems like he's got good understanding and people saying he will remember this for life, yes he may well do and it will be a funny story for him to tell....... he will know eventually that Santa isn't real and his mum did this.

I think it's brilliant. OP do it and if it all goes wrong I'll pay for a therapy session for you all 🤔

I'm in two minds about this...on the surface it's a great idea...it will give him a shock of sorts. However, he's 3. Today I had a silly Facebook memory come up where my DS, then about the same age, told me that he "needed something to bite". I didn't make the connection at the time but he had just been diagnosed with ASD and his "needing" to bite things (anything, people, batteries, plants, the cat, himself...I could go on and on..) is actually a soothing thing and he had no control over it (still doesn't). Having started to eat his clothes, I bought him a "Chewigem" so he can bite til his heart's content without hurting anybody else, or himself. I may be way off the mark here but in my experience, there are no consequences to biting because it's "nice". Just a thought!

Also spending £200 on your child HOW DARE YOU!!!!

Ps can you take some pictures, for us, maybe video the event, so we can publicly shame and humiliate your son.

Oh the trauma......!

Agree with PP about chewy toys btw! Maybe a chewy toy can be in with the potato as well as the chart and letter! And also agree maybe it can be done tomorrow so the magic of Christmas isn't taken away, Santa can drop off an early present!!!

@dingledangles you mean I shouldn't put a cone decorated with potatoes on his head and video him explaining himself then post it on YouTube?