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AIBU?

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Original poster

To give my son a potato for Christmas?

425 replies

eefa658 · 22/12/2018 17:38

Have lurked for about a year but finally made an account to ask this as I've had mixed reactions from friends and my DM...

DS 3 is a biter. We have tried EVERYTHING to get him to stop. Final straw was the other day when he tried to bite his 3 month old sister (he didn't manage to as I grabbed him) I had warned him last time he bit me that Santa would see and for every time he bit anybody from now on Santa would replace a present with a potato. He didn't listen, and tried to bite DD. I've told him that Santa has seen and one of his presents is now a potato.

I HATE not following through on punishments. I'm inclined just to wrap up a potato and chuck it in his stocking and then when he opens it on Christmas Day remind him that he was warned. I'm not going to throw away any of his presents, so he's not actually going to miss out he will just think he has.

DM and a few friends think I'm horrible. DH, DF and a few other friends think it's a great idea.

WIBU to do this? I'm running out of ideas to get him to stop and I really am losing the will to live over it. Please feel free to also offer tips on how you stopped your child biting...

OP posts:
MaverickSnoopy · 23/12/2018 07:41

I'm kind of on the fence here. You're clearly a wonderful mum who like the rest of us just wants to get it right. You've thought this through and you've sought advice.

I think what I would do is the reward chart in the stocking minus the potato. I would however write a letter from Father Christmas saying that he had thought long and hard about it and that he'd decided to give a reward chart instead of a potato as he would like to help him as he has seen that he is a good boy really, or some such.

I wouldn't judge you if you decided to put the potato in though. I am however thinking back to my own experience when my second was born and my then 4yo started acting out in various ways. It can be so hard to know how to deal with this. I can't remember if you said whether he was biting before his sibling was born? If not then I definitely wouldn't be doing the potato.

melissasummerfield · 23/12/2018 07:54

What an awful thread Sad

melissasummerfield · 23/12/2018 07:58

This little boy has just had his life disrupted by a new baby, in one of your pp you said that you didnt really discipline / correct bad behaviour when he was young ( which in my opinion is very important ) and now all of a sudden you are trying to discipline him ( he will see it as new baby has arrived and he is now getting told off all the time )

Not only that you are potentially going to make him sad on christmas morning, when realistically he wont associate it with the biting.

Also bear in mind that you have only got about 3 more christmas mornings when he believes in Santa, so why would you risk ruining one of them?

famousfour · 23/12/2018 08:04

I’d go with the potato in the circumstances. I’m really not following all the trauma drama llamas. Sorry.

EdtheBear · 23/12/2018 08:21

Those who are encouraging the op have any of you actually given a 3 or 4 year old a potato, bit of coal, empty box on Christmas morning ?

Have any of you had a distraught 3 / 4 yo who's heartbroken because Santa didn't bring what they asked for (gifts were under tree not in stocking)?

Op I'm begging you not to do this.
Mine was almost 6 when he became a big brother, he really did act up, any attention was good. Everyone was awwing at the baby he would deliberately divert your attention to the point that I stopped GPs from issuing more negative attention picked my battles, he needed positive attention and quality time.

Christmas morning is a fab time to give tonnes of positive attention please don't ruin it.

famousfour · 23/12/2018 08:27

Ed the bear - I don’t think the OP is suggesting just a potato. That would be a bit much.

adviceonthepox · 23/12/2018 08:31

Yes do it I would! I've told my 3 year old she is getting coal as a present if she keeps being nasty to her 4 year old sister. I have got a piece of coal for her stocking it hasn't actually replaced anything but she will remember I hope and not be so nasty in future

JustKeepSwimmingJustKeepSwimmi · 23/12/2018 08:35

:( So many people really dont understand basic child psychology. Coal/potato in a stocking isnt what will help a small child regulate emotions and behaviour.

People seem really proud of treating their kids like this which Im genuinely surprised about. My dad was like that (but worse) amd I try not to see him too much now. So surprised to see that trait on mumsnet.

Im going to leave the thread but really do recommend the "How to talk" books. They're linked from mumsnet somewhere and are a very good parenting guide ti understanding what is going on for kids and communicating with them.

EdtheBear · 23/12/2018 08:37

I know shes not suggesting just a potato but that could be the thing the kid focuses on.

I didn't give anything bad in my almost 4yos stocking but he was gutted what he asked for wasn't in it, nor did he realises more things would be down stairs.

It was awful to have to calm him down and get him excited to go downstairs.

Op if he lobs the potato at the baby how are you going to deal with the aftermath?

Notso · 23/12/2018 08:48

My friend has done this with pieces of coal every year with her boys from about 3, it has had zero effect on their behaviour, they just open it, ignore it and open their other presents.
It's too detached from whatever they did to 'deserve' the coal and on a day when they're getting huge rewards in the form of lots of presents it's not really meaningful.

If he bites on Boxing Day which is highly likely given he'll be excited and stimulated what will you do then?

GreenTulips · 23/12/2018 09:12

DD was a biter and it's awful behavior.

How would you feel if it was your child being bitten? You'd want the parent to do everything to help stop it happening.

DD generally bit her brother - but it was awful - she bit me once and her dad a couple of times.

Can you imagine your child came home from school with a nasty bite?
Child bites are worse than dog bites and need medical attention - usually hours in A and E - I've been bitten by a child a school - I've been there.

If the thought of getting a piece of coal makes him stop and think about what he's doing - then that's a good thing.

OP will 'return' the gift if he stops - he has a choice and he's obviously thinking about it.

Good luck. The world doesn't need biters!

Nicknamesalltaken · 23/12/2018 09:21

It just seems that a three year old is being punished for something that isn’t his fault.

It’s an attention thing. That’s what needs to be fixed. And that is firmly one for the parents.

Reaa · 23/12/2018 09:47

@eefa658 another thing I did for mine, we had a sticker album and the packs of 50p stickers for them, we did a pack a night for good behaviour (roughly 5 stickers in a pack) but they lost a sticker for each bad behaviour. So some nights they would get all 5 some nights just the 1.

You could use that along side a non biting chart and if possible could you get him a few bits he can actually bite?

My DC used to bite and chew on the t shirts they would be wearing, which we preferred to other people or household objects.

Nicknamesalltaken · 23/12/2018 09:52

Maybe have a chart for all other positive behaviour? Lots of praise and fuss, make the child feel special with loads of good attention.

Focusing on the biting when there hasn’t been an incident doesn’t seem productive. It needs to be dealt with when it happens. Lots of attention to the child bitten, remove biter from the situation and take attention away. However you choose to deal with it OP, do it there and then.

GreenTulips · 23/12/2018 12:01

Why do people assume that the op hasn't tried the other suggestions?

This maybe the last in along line of tried and tested methods

EdtheBear · 23/12/2018 12:06

I don't care what other methods she has tried with this frustrated 3 yo, upsetting him on Christmas morning when he hasn't done anything wrong at that moment in time is mean, unnecessarily, and unlikely to teach him anything.

Sparrowlegs248 · 23/12/2018 12:08

I would do this, and also explain that he can earn the potato gift back some how.

famousfour · 23/12/2018 15:14

I’ve been threatening my 6 and 4 year old with potatoes all day to great effect.

Armadillostoes · 23/12/2018 15:50

Unfortunately it seems that the OP has made up her mind, cheered on by some depressingly uninformed people. If her son makes any sort of.connection (which is doubtful) he will just resent his baby sibling even more. This won't stop the biting.

BottleOfJameson · 23/12/2018 15:57

Why do people assume that the op hasn't tried the other suggestions?
This maybe the last in along line of tried and tested methods

Nobody is suggesting OP hasn't tried anything else. This "solution" is very obvious stupid - it's the kind of thing OP obviously dreamed up in desperation and is going through with to avoid backing down. Anyone with any knowledge of child psychology knows that deferred punishments don't work at all for three year olds. They are impulsive and this child is also probably unsettled and emotional due to the new baby. He needs help regulating his emotions and consistent and immediate consequences when he bites. This provides none of that and will just make him feel bad in a way that he won't be able to relate to what he did wrong.

Nicknamesalltaken · 23/12/2018 16:00

The OP has gone down the route of seeking professional help.

But the child is three. Too young to understand the strategy here. But we all parent differently. Focus on the positive is my advice. Dear with the bite there and then. Work harder to solve the attention problem (I know how hard this one is).

But the potato idea? Nah. Presents should be given with love, not used as a tool to bargain for behaviour at three years old.

Nicknamesalltaken · 23/12/2018 16:01

It’s like that post you see doing the rounds on Facebook - have a pile of wrapped boxes and chuck one on the fire when the child misbehaves. Another shit idea.

bobstersmum · 23/12/2018 16:05

In answer to your original question, yes ywbu to give your 3 year old a potato for Xmas instead of presents. He's too young to understand or even learn from it. One of my ds is very difficult, he's almost 5, I wouldn't dream of doing this.

Worsethingshappen · 23/12/2018 16:06

This is just totally bananas! You are actually contemplating giving a 3 year old a potato and strike a deal with an imaginary man in order to deal with his biting? There is no hope......

Stripyhoglets1 · 23/12/2018 16:13

I like the reward chart idea and a letter from santa saying he's sent that instead of the potato - as he's noticed he can be a good boy and wants to reward him when he us. Positive reinforcement is always best for long term discipline. Telling off needs to be immediate and linked to the incident.
A potato would have fucked up our whole Christmas day when ds was 3 and just escalated things to conflict first thing. And I wouldn't want that for his first Christmas when he probably properly knows what's going on.

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