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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you can be fat and happy and have no need to lose any weight

158 replies

nickiredcar · 21/12/2018 22:00

My friend is a secretary, she met her boyfriend at school amd has been with him almost ten years. They own their own home, regular holidays and have a land rover - all they want.

She is one of the happiest people I know. However she's annoyed that several people have suggested she should loose weight. She's classified as morbidly obese and is her mid 20s. No health conditions but she does breath very heavily.

She says that everytime she goes on a diet she's misserable so would rather just be happy and eat what she wants.

So really aibu to think how she is is probably the best for her? And people meaning well shouldn't say anything.

OP posts:
TheBitchOfTheVicar · 21/12/2018 22:05

No health conditions? She's morbidly obese! It isn't going to be easy forever.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 21/12/2018 22:06

I don't think it's anyone's business but hers and theres nothing I hate more than fat-shaming. However, being obese does have an impact on your health - it might not be affecting her now in her mid 20's but the older she gets the more at risk she is of stroke/diabetes/joint pain/heart disease etc etc etc so from that point of view, one should try to remain a healthy weight (i'm overweight too, I don't take my own advice lol)

BottleOfJameson · 21/12/2018 22:07

Well her life will be shortened and she faces various health issues but the same is true for people who drink too much (even moderately too much) and that is considered to be personal choice so I don't see why being over weight shouldn't be the same.

SherlockHolmes · 21/12/2018 22:07

She's in denial about her health. She is of course entitled to do what she wants, but she's just setting herself up for a (possibly short) lifetime of bad health.

masterandmargarita · 21/12/2018 22:07

Of course it's fine but her life will be curtailed if she remains that weight

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/12/2018 22:10

She might be miserable on a diet but she doesn’t know how much better she’d feel at a healthy weight. Breathing heavily in your 20s isn’t a sign of glowing health.

It’s no one else’s business and pointless anyone hassling her but having a man and a job doesn’t mean her health isn’t being affected by carrying extra weight which comes with a price.

masterandmargarita · 21/12/2018 22:10

And over eating is not good for anyone

WorraLiberty · 21/12/2018 22:11

So really aibu to think how she is is probably the best for her? And people meaning well shouldn't say anything.

People probably shouldn't say anything unless disability/early death might affect them directly - e.g close family.

But of course it's not best for her. That's ridiculous.

It's like saying if someone in their mid 20s can't give up smoking, it's probably best not to and no-one should show concern.

AmyDowdensLeftLeftShoe · 21/12/2018 22:12

YABU - in your 20s it is far easier to lose weight and keep it off than in your 30s and older.

She may need extra help losing the weight like counselling or even surgery, but it will stop the health complications that she will face as she ages if she keeps that weight.

Oh and as she is in a long term relationship if she wants children she may find it difficult to conceive and will only get help if she loses weight. Far better for her to lose it herself then be told by a GP or specialist that she can't have fertility treatment because she is morbidly obese.

Thequaffle · 21/12/2018 22:12

As long as she is aware of the health issues that come with being obese, then her acceptance to remain so are similar to people who smoke. It’s not good but it’s her choice.

leghairdontcare · 21/12/2018 22:12

I am very happy and confident in myself - happy with my husband and family and happy with how i look. From that point of view, I do not need to lose weight to be happy.

However, now at age 36, I do feel it's affecting my quality of life. Especially in terms of being able to keep up with my son who is 4 and has bundles of energy.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 21/12/2018 22:12

I'm in two minds about this; a close friend of mine was morbidly obese, lost a lot of weight and got a little evangelical about weight, saying that others should have told her how dangerous her weight was, how friends should be able to say to other friends that they're concerned about health etc because obesity is an illness like any other illness. I don't want to sound unkind because I see her point, but I don't see obesity the way I see diabetes, for example. And now that she's regained the weight she initially lost, I doubt very much that my "constructive criticism" of her weight would encourage her to do anything than throw a chair at me.

I tend to keep my thoughts on anyone else's health and lifestyle to myself (aside from the DC). There could be a million reasons for a person to be overweight and none of them are my business. If friends ask for help going the gym or getting into running (both of which I do regularly) I'd help and offer advice. Until that point, their body belongs to them.

WorraLiberty · 21/12/2018 22:12

And come to think of it, I'm not sure what 'having a man' has to do with it either.

He's not going to be able to breathe for her or replace her joints when they've worn out.

Jayfee · 21/12/2018 22:13

By 60 she won't be able to walk.

RedDwarves · 21/12/2018 22:14

No health conditions

Not now, but she will in the future. Also, the fact that she breathes heavily already indicates that she has health problems. Morbid obesity is a health problem.

You can be fat and happy, but you cannot be fat (obese or morbidly obese) and healthy.

babysharkah · 21/12/2018 22:14

I think morbidly obese is a bit different to being a bit overweight.

UserMe18 · 21/12/2018 22:14

The cynic in me wonders how happy she really is to have over eaten to the point of being morbidly obese.

Babdoc · 21/12/2018 22:15

She’ll be miserable when the excess weight eventually causes arthritis in her joints, back pain, reflux, diabetes, gall bladder problems, an increased risk of several cancers, high blood pressure, sleep apnoea, limited mobility, and knocks ten years off her life expectancy.
The sooner she gets rid of the weight, the more enjoyable and longer her life will be.

Petalflowers · 21/12/2018 22:15

Of course she can be fat and happy.

However, she will only start to loose weight when she feels ready to, and not pressurised to do so. I’m not surprised she is annoyed if people are telling her to loose weight. No one likes to be called fat! Or be told what to do.

PickAChew · 21/12/2018 22:16

She'll not feel so happy when she can barely shuffle to the corner shop in her 40s.

JustABetterPlayer · 21/12/2018 22:16

You can have no DESIRE to lose weight but the need is a medical one in order to avoid severe medical complications and/or an early death.

chicken75 · 21/12/2018 22:16

Ffs she sounds young. Give her a break. It's not going to kill her and most likely she'll decide on her own to lose weight.

greendale17 · 21/12/2018 22:16

She is in her early twenties and morbidly obese.

She’ll be dead by her thirties if she carries on like this.

Cherries101 · 21/12/2018 22:16

If she was just obese (BMI 30) I’d agree with you. Women of childbearing age who are overweight / obese can be healthy. But she’s not. She’s morbidly obese and so must have a bmi of between 40-50. No amount of exercise or sex is going to stop her from dying at 35 if she doesn’t get her act together.

WorraLiberty · 21/12/2018 22:19

However, she will only start to loose weight when she feels ready to, and not pressurised to do so.

Or when she becomes diabetic.

I know 3 people (2 of whom are very close to me) who have been diagnosed in the last year.

None of them particularly loved dieting but now they're on diets for life and find that far more depressing.