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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you can be fat and happy and have no need to lose any weight

158 replies

nickiredcar · 21/12/2018 22:00

My friend is a secretary, she met her boyfriend at school amd has been with him almost ten years. They own their own home, regular holidays and have a land rover - all they want.

She is one of the happiest people I know. However she's annoyed that several people have suggested she should loose weight. She's classified as morbidly obese and is her mid 20s. No health conditions but she does breath very heavily.

She says that everytime she goes on a diet she's misserable so would rather just be happy and eat what she wants.

So really aibu to think how she is is probably the best for her? And people meaning well shouldn't say anything.

OP posts:
sj257 · 21/12/2018 23:22

People who don’t have a weight problem seem to think that people who do are stupid. Far from it, they know exactly where they are going wrong. More support needs to be available to change the way people think and deal with things emotionally, to look into the reasons why people overeat. I have yo-yo dieted over the years, currently one of the heaviest weights I’ve ever been. To answer the OP’s question, no I don’t believe you can be morbidly obese and happy about that fact.

EmeraldShamrock · 21/12/2018 23:24

Yes it is possible to be happy healthy and obese. She will probably make a changeout as things will start to effect her physically.

They will. We can make bad decisions that effect our health and believe its ok as we cant see the effects. Every time I tried to stop smoking I was miserable and thought well I am still reasonably healthy so I'll smoke for a bit longer. I'll give up before I get caught out.
I am truly shamed to say I am still a smoker.
Until 1st Jan 2019 Blush

gendercritter · 21/12/2018 23:32

I was very overweight and now have a bmi of 23.5 I think. The difference in how I feel now is so extraordinary. You can't really even imagine the difference when you're very overweight because I think it's very easy to forget what feels normal. You get used to feeling mildly crap most of the time. (Although I appreciate some people are larger and are pretty healthy if they're younger)

I follow two very overweight people on Instagram (because they're beautiful and interesting and funny) and both have recently injured their knees. They're both early thirties. And it's so sad because they've both been swearing blind that they're in perfect health whereas it's actually more likely that their injuries are going to mark the beginning of a slippery slope. It's completely possible to be fat and healthy at 30. At 55/60/70 it will be a very different story.

And someone talked about being ok with losing ten years off their life. It isn't that simple. You might lose 10 years off your life and gain 20 years before that of the most miserable, frustrating and painful health conditions which ruin your quality of life. You really really want to avoid that if at all possible. Hospitals are not fun places to be stuck.

You can be larger and happy of course. But not larger and healthy long term.

staydazzling · 21/12/2018 23:36

my god some of the replies on here are disgraceful , and nasty. I saw more sympathy on a thread about a woman having an affair Blush

im overweight, married and frankly have my shit together than most of my slimmer friends. Plus size women dont want to be told they are bastions of health just dont want to be treat as a sub human species.

gendercritter · 21/12/2018 23:39

You think you are better than someone overweight because you believe that you make better choices. But you just have more forgiving body chemistry.

This is ridiculous and untrue. The vast majority of the thin healthy people I know are strict with their diet, sometimes extremely so. They are active and health conscious. My overweight friends are the exact opposite. Some of them eat quite alarming amounts and do little exercise. They're wonderful people. This isn't a moral issue and I love them for their positive qualities but they aren't in control of their food intake. The very biggest have significant binge eating disorders (which they deserve far more help with). They haven't just lucked out with not having 'forgiving body chemistry.'

And I hate diet clubs, but go to one and you'll find a group of newbies who are shocked to learn what's really in the food they've been eating. Most processed food is extremely calorific and many intelligent educated people have no idea how much so.

Original poster
nickiredcar · 21/12/2018 23:40

Thanks for all the replies, don't have much to as but they are helpful x

OP posts:
TheLittlestLightOnTheTree · 21/12/2018 23:44

Mid 20's..... it will soon catch up on her and she will then most likely become a drain on the NHS..... so yes, yabu!

WorraLiberty · 21/12/2018 23:44

Helpful in what way though OP? Confused

I mean, how are they going to help your friend if that's what you mean?

EmeraldShamrock · 21/12/2018 23:50

OP are you the friend.

In any case as long as your friend is getting away without health issues YET it might not seem a problem.
If she generally is a happy social person, why not encourage her to come to a zumba class or the like to help her feel healthy, if she finds dieting really hard, take a fun approach to getting healthy.

PickAChew · 21/12/2018 23:51

I'm currently a little overweight, dazzling. Given the state of my joints, I'd probably be in a wheelchair if I was morbidly obese. As it is, I'm a moderately fit 49. Occasionally, I let my weight creep up and I know when I'm half a stone overweight because I start to get out of breath, walking uphill and my knee pain increases to intolerable levels.

I don't see what's disgraceful about not wanting that level of physical dysfunction for myself or seeing it as desirable for anyone else. I see women younger and heavier than me who heave their whole bodies when they walk, with knees bending sideways and feet rolling in so much they shuffle with every step rather than bounce on the springy suspension that feet are designed to be. Our bodies are not meant to be like that.

Original poster
nickiredcar · 21/12/2018 23:54

Helpful in a way that she's looking to me to okay that everything is fine and it doesn't matter, when really it does and maybe I shouldn't just nod to keep her happy

OP posts:
staydazzling · 21/12/2018 23:57

Pick and Chew youve really misunderstood what ive said.

EmeraldShamrock · 21/12/2018 23:58

nickiredcar
It is hard to be honest to a friends face about weight. Family I could but a friend I think I would nod too. I wouldn't want to hurt them tbh.

Original poster
nickiredcar · 22/12/2018 00:00

I'm not sure I can be truthful to her, more of a "maybe you should speak to a doctor, I saw a thing on this morning that overwhelming people can have lots of health issues that present themselves a few decades later"

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 22/12/2018 00:01

Helpful in a way that she's looking to me to okay that everything is fine and it doesn't matter, when really it does and maybe I shouldn't just nod to keep her happy

Just the fact that she's looking to you or anyone for that matter, proves she's not happy surely?

Original poster
nickiredcar · 22/12/2018 00:04

Well yes, but her point is she's happier now she's given up trying to loose weight as that made her misserable.

OP posts:
FlashByReputation · 22/12/2018 00:05

I don't think you need to point out the blindingly obvious OP, she knows this.

FlashByReputation · 22/12/2018 00:06

Well it's her choice isn't it. Pain now (dieting) or pain later (illness).

justforareply · 22/12/2018 00:08

I can be drunk and happy...

Bowchicawowow · 22/12/2018 00:09

Nobody can have a conversation about weight, no matter how sensitive they try to be, without people yelling ‘fat shamer.’ It’s a weird world we now inhabit.

SD1978 · 22/12/2018 00:10

It's acceptable to call someone with an alcohol issue an alcoholic. Someone with a drug addiction an addict. But heaven forbid you refer to an obese person as having a problem. They do. They will. Whether they are happy or not isn't the point. Many alcoholics are also happy. They are setting themselves up for future health issues, or current ones. Denying that, and continuing to support people denying that, is ridiculous. And this comes from someone who is overweight and almost in the clinically obese category, but trying to do something about it.

WorraLiberty · 22/12/2018 00:12

Well yes, but her point is she's happier now she's given up trying to loose weight as that made her misserable.

Ahh now that I can understand.

But it doesn't mean she's happy to be morbidly obese. It just sounds as though she's relieved to have given up dieting, because failing made her miserable.

However, if she ends up diabetic which is fairly likely, she's going to have to diet for the rest of her life anyway.

EmeraldShamrock · 22/12/2018 00:29

she's relieved to have given up dieting, because failing made her miserable.
I am going to use this for inspiration, when I think it is giving up that is making me miserable. When really it is the temptation to fail Smile going on my 2019 change board Wink

Butteredghost · 22/12/2018 02:36

Can you be happy and fat? Yes. You don't have to be a perfect example (or even an average example) of health to be happy. Can you smoke and be happy? Yes, you can. It would be best for your health to quit and you may even want to quit, but that doesn't infect every area of your life and make you depressed 24/7. You can have HIV and be happy (not about that but generally), you can have cancer and be happy. I've read a book by a man who is a quadriplegic and he is very happy.

On the other hand there are people out there in perfect health who are very unhappy.

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 22/12/2018 02:54

Obesity seems to be the elephant in the room when it comes to friends and family for fear of being called out for “fat shaming” yet the same people who remain quite would not do so if it was anorexia. Parents can and have sectioned their child for refusing treatment for anorexia as the heath implications are dire. Well the health implications for being morbidly obese are also pretty dire.

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