To think you can be fat and happy and have no need to lose any weight

[nickiredcar]

My friend is a secretary, she met her boyfriend at school amd has been with him almost ten years. They own their own home, regular holidays and have a land rover - all they want.

She is one of the happiest people I know. However she's annoyed that several people have suggested she should loose weight. She's classified as morbidly obese and is her mid 20s. No health conditions but she does breath very heavily.

She says that everytime she goes on a diet she's misserable so would rather just be happy and eat what she wants.

So really aibu to think how she is is probably the best for her? And people meaning well shouldn't say anything.

Tidy obviously knows exactly what she is talking about, either professionally or personally, thank you.

It isn’t about being happy. But it is excellent she is.
Being overweight and in good health is an oxymoron. The strain that the weight puts on your heart will be causing problems, she will have high blood pressure and be at risk of heart problems, stroke and diabetes as well as joint problems, particularly knees.
This is the material reality of being overweight.

It irratates me how other eating disorders are treat sensitively and Obesity isnt, and i mean Obesity not a bit pudgy. Most people who get very obese and stay there is trauma based. i speak from experience, but theres no help or sensitive treatment from professionals so after dealing with 1 or 2 rude or judgemental professionals (and i mean rude not being factual) you dont go back so...🤷‍♀️

Flash

It's easy to be 2 or 3 stone over weight but to be say 40+ stone you would need to be eating at least 10,000 calories almost every single day. That's a lot of food. Not to mention expensive and time consuming. You would need to be eating almost constantly. That's not the behavior of a happy, fulfilled person.

That should say around 20stone. At 40 stone you would be eating pretty much double that.

Op given she's talking to you about this I think it's OK to discuss it with her.
She says she's happy now she's stopped dieting and I get that. Could you suggest she works on that basis and takes positive steps to not diet but to still improve her health. Eg look for ways to walk more, find healthy food she likes and have them for meals instead of what she'd normally have? I don't know... But there must be something positive she can build on.
Easier said than done. I lost a load of weight years ago, it's crept back on (minus about 3 stone) and I am feeling grotty about myself and my life in general.

knittedjest I've been 20 stone and was eating nowhere near that, I used to log what I ate and it was around the 3000/4000 mark max.

Flash I disagree that obesity is the most dangerous eating disorder. Anorexia has a mortality rate similar to leukaemia. It’s extremely dangerous and life threatening to people of all ages.

However, I totally agree that it is frightening how quickly obesity in children and the general population has been normalised and even celebrated FFS (real women/curvy etc) and we are starting to see the real effects of this. I work for the NHS. Bariatruc patients need expensive equipment from ambulances to beds to toilets to chairs. There is a detrimental effect on the staff who care for them. Every year there are more and more bariatric patients and less and less resource. And meanwhile people think they have been far shamed because their midwife tells them that their pregnancy is high risk and their birth choices restricted due to high BMI. “But I am healthy”.

It's no-ones business but hers what her weight is and if shes happy then fine.
She is taking a risk with her health in the same way that smoker or heavy drinker is taking risks. Those are her risks to take but she needs to make sure she's taking those risks with a full understanding of what they mean.

I think it also depends on who is suggesting to her that she should lose weight. If its a doctor or HCP then that's fine it's their job to do so.

Provincial I agree on an individual basis anorexia is more dangerous. But the amount of anorexics in the population is tiny compared to the proportion of obese people. You have a much greater chance of facing illness due to being overweight than to being under weight IFSWIM.

I think that in order to be morbidly obese you are making choices to eat the wrong food rather than eating too much. Lots of people eat plenty of food, enough to keep them satisfied most of the day, but they are always morbidly obese because it’s decent food.

@staydazzling

It irratates me how other eating disorders are treat sensitively and Obesity isnt, and i mean Obesity not a bit pudgy. Most people who get very obese and stay there is trauma based. i speak from experience, but theres no help or sensitive treatment from professionals so after dealing with 1 or 2 rude or judgemental professionals (and i mean rude not being factual) you dont go back so

So true...I got quite fat as a child after my mother died. I was never treated with any kindness over this..whereas if I'd become anorexic or even turned to drugs, people would have been falling over themselves to help me and be understanding.

When she hits 50 and both her hips need replacing
along with her knees
and her back is shot
and her circulation is damaged by diabetes
and she has COPD
remind her that it was her own choice to stay fat

Morbidly obese. There’s a clue in the name.

She might be happier having given up doing one new diet after another but dieting is not the answer.
If she is morbidly obese now in her 20’s to get down to a healthier weight she is looking at a complete lifestyle change.
As a first step you should encourage her to see her doctor.

Ok, so I hope this doesn't come across too harshly, because I am in your friends shoes. Outwardly, our life is perfect. We earn good money, we have nice things, nice cars, a nice home, and I appear happy to most who meet me.

I've been big since I was about 18. I decided to stop making myself so miserable by being obsessed with the latest diet. I put on weight, fairly quickly and a lot.
I was struggling to conceive a second child, the Drs never said maybe it's your weight, until I was morbidly obese. I shrugged it off, attempted half heartedly to lose weight.

Told myself but I'm not really in bad health, and even skinny women get PCOS. So it's not really my weight (I know it's BS and 100% my weight)

So I kind of went on for a few years, thinking I was in perfect health, when a Dr said, we've not checked your blood pressure, let's check it. I was told they needed to check again the next day because it may have been artificially high. Well the next day I was put on blood pressure medication. Then I started to get abscesses where clothes rubbed against my skin. All of last summer I was back and forth to the Drs, about abscesses that wouldn't heal and abscesses that were new. Every month or so I was asked to go for blood tests to see if I was diabetic.
This year I've had two chest infections after minor viral infections that have been hell to get rid of, and my asthma has seemingly overnight gone from being almost non existent to nowhere near under control.

It's scary just how quickly the health problems have mounted up. I've just turned 28 and am only on the cusp of morbid obesity now.

I May be really unlucky, but I am reminded every time I'm unwell that this is an issue with very overweight patients. I'm losing the weight as quickly as I can and am looking into surgical options to stop me being able to put the weight back on. I don't want to continue my life feeling as unwell as I do.

@userme18, yes i think there is a world of distinction between carrying a few extra pounds because you are focused on other things and being magazine slim. Ykwim. For me, being fashionslim comes at the cost of other things.
I do not mean to sound judgemental but it will sound a bit judgey but there is a difference in overfeeding yourself because you need the comfort of food and wearing size 12 rather than size 10.
The former should be addressed. The latter, well it might be a job on top of a job. Im making excuses i know!

Good luck letsmoveondude.
It's horrible to get to the stage where your hand is forced and you have to go on a strict diet :(

I believe you can be happy if you are morbidly obese but it's ridiculously unhealthy. Someone may be strong and reasonable 'fit' but if you are morbidly obese then it's undeniable that there are or will be huge health problems. (Diabetes, heart disease, infertility, mobility issues etc)
If you deal with all the health problems yourself then I guess that it would be a personal choice and no one else's business but in the UK people with health issues typically use services and resources that are funded by us all.

I know some people cannot help being morbidly obese though.

I know loads of people with health problems. It doesnt make them unhappy.
The problem with dieting, is it usually means drastically cutting down on one of the main things that gives people pleasure and comfort in life.

Youve got to weigh up whether its worth it

Heavy drinkers/ alcoholics don't all get liver disease. Smokers don't all get lung cancer/ COPD. Obesity is linked with a huge range of life affecting and life limiting conditions. She may remain healthy, but the odds are stacked against her.

The causes of obesity are complex. Sometimes it can be "just" bad diet and exercise habits. Sometimes there are deeper physical and mental health issues that need addressing to deal with the symptom of over eating. Crash diets don't work, but a long term, nutritious balanced diet, countered against a sensible level of activity does work.

To be morbidly obese in your twenties means that whatever the underlying cause is, the weight gain will only accumulate with age if it goes unchallenged. How big and healthy will she be in her thirties, forties, fifties, or sixties? It's statisticly unlikely that she would get to seventies or eighties from that starting point.

Is it really worth compromising fertility (and pregnancy/ birth risk), risking cancers, diabetes, heart disease etc? I think you can be mildly overweight, genuinely fit healthy and happy, but not at morbidly obese.

Being out of breath and tired in your 20s is a massive klaxxon that life will only get harder.

Shockingly 6 x risk of breast cancer alone

It's not going to kill her

it is going to kill her.

I think you can be a bit plump and happy and not need to lose weight.

But not morbidly obese.

I mean BMI a bit over 25 (say 26, 27, maybe 28). As long as your waist size is under 31.5 inches/half your height (whichever is lower).

It does occur to me that she is expressing something of relevance to her own situation though. Namely that she uses food to self-medicate, to improve her mood. It could be as simple as she needs to find something that replaces the feelgood factor she gets from food (e.g. exercise).

Or maybe it’s something like she has very traumatic memories/experiences she would need to address in order to stop comfort eating, or that the extra weight makes her feel safe (which could be related to e.g. childhood food scarcity or too much sexualised attention at a young age). She might be expressing that she’s scared to address these things. That’s something I would understand. I wouldn’t agree with her assessment “better to be fat and happy”0, but I would see that she needs a more complex type of support and help in order to make the relevant changes, and be very sympathetic to her situation.

My sister's mil was morbidly obese and perfectly happy about it. Used to often talk of how she loved it and didn't care for traditional beauty standards etc. Her attitude was admirable, but she died of massive heart failure at age 54 and never even got to meet any of her 6 grandchildren. Very sad.