To not buy DD a new coat?

[LemonBeachTowel]

More of a WWYD then AIBU. DD is 13 years old and is fairly fashion conscious. Last week she and DH went coat shopping and she came back with a coat that coat a fairly extortionate amount of money.
Anyway DD wore the coat to school last Friday. And now hates it. Despite being the coat of her dreams the day before. Apparently other girls in her class made comments about the coat and now she can’t possibly wear it ever again.
DH has said she can have a new coat and this is were the problems lies. I think she needs to carry on with her expensive almost brand new coat. DH wants to buy her another new coat. I tried to compromise and said she can have a new cheap coat or we could return the old coat and buy a new coat with the refund. However DD wants the coat to wear at weekends and doesn’t want a cheaper coat for school. I’m bored of talking about it with her! WWYD?

It's come as a real shock to me how blasé some people are about the vanity driven fur trade. It's not even slightly comparable to food production. We all have to eat. Nobody, however wealthy, needs to wear fur.

As I've just said though bluelady the alternatives have their own ethical issues. Cotton production is massively water-intensive, synthetic fibres are polluting and use up scarce resources. I don't think trapping pests that attack livestock and harm the livelihood of farmers while upsetting the local ecosystem is that bad in comparison.

this is an interesting read on the ethics of fur: www.theatlantic.com/entertainment/archive/2015/03/the-environmentally-sound-way-to-wear-fur/387238/

Good on your DDs friends for having some empathy for animals.

A bit of education for your DD on the fur trade is probably necessary - disappointing that your husband has supported her in a choice which directly increases the misery of animals.

Can’t believe people are saying the fur trade is acceptable.
Disgusting .
And sorry but at 13 I would not be spending £800 on a coat and then buying her another one . That’s sending the completely wrong message to her and will make her think it’s ok to chop and change when it suits .

I appreciate that your DH doesn't want his DD to have the childhood he has bit he needs to be wary of indulging her to such an extent she becomes a spoilt brat - I'm not saying she is, but she could easily become so.

However, nothing excuses buying real fur and I'm shocked that none of you seem to have an issue with this. If your DD is going to make such unethical choices then she's better be prepared to justify it to those who aren't shy of telling her what's what.

Leaving aside the ethical aspect of fur, it always surprises me that so many MNers are surprised by the amount of money other people have or spend.

It's like the seven bathroom cleaning thread, which I actually thought was bollocks , but do people really think there is no one at all living in very large houses in the U.K.?

It's just the same with threads at the other end of the spectrum where people genuinely can't seem to understand some people just don't have the money spare to pay £10 for a school trip with no notice. Some people just don't seem able to realise that others have very different lives to themselves.

FWIW, I don't actually think spending £800 on an item of clothing automatically makes a child spoilt (although it underlines the inequality in this country where people are relying on food banks to feed their DC ). It's the lack of appreciation that shows a child is spoilt (eg asking for a different one immediately). If they don't appreciate either that it is a large amount of money to start with, or automatically assume parents will spend more on top - spoilt.

Spending a proportionate amount of your disposable income on your DC is fair enough whether that's £8, £80 or £800. If they take it for granted and don't appreciate it they are spoilt with an unpleasant sense of entitlement and need to realise this. I certainly wouldn't be buying her a new coat. I imagine she gets pocket money - let her use that to learn the value of money, or even better get a newspaper round (free papers usually need people) and earn it herself!

BTW spending £800 on a coat and thinking you will just return it to the shop once it has been worn and discarded - a little entitled itself !

Spending £800 on a child who will grow out of it in a couple of years is nuts.

I’m really pleased that children in school are compassionate and valid animals. They aren’t ‘bullying’ your dd. They are expressing their disdain at the fur and rightly so.
She choose the coat, you allowed it. I’d let her deal with the consequences.
You both sound a bit ridiculous tbh- you for buying it and her for suddenly worrying about morals

I would buy her another to avoid bullying

Those coyote traps are torture and they are left for days sometimes. Hideous practice for hideous fashion.

@Bluelady "It's not even slightly comparable to food production. We all have to eat. Nobody, however wealthy, needs to wear fur"

Firstly, I suspect a lot of First Nation peoples would disagree with you.

Secondly, no-one in the western world, however wealthy, "needs" to eat meat. The millions of healthy vegetarians and vegans (of which I am not one) are testament to this. We eat an awful lot of meat but we don't NEED to. Millions of people in this country, who will condemn fur til the cows come home, will be tucking into a mass-, factory-farmed, cheap turkey from the supermarket on Tuesday. And a Christmas turkey is no more a need than a fur hood is. Some will probably be doing it whilst wearing artificial fibre Christmas jumpers, made for pennies in third world factories, and discarded to landfill after a handful of uses once the season is over.

I'm not saying you should agree fur is good, I'm just saying we need to be a bit more self-aware and much less hypocritical when it comes to applying our moral stances. I really have no idea why fur is held up to be the epitome of evil when you look at the big picture. It's an easy target I suppose, as most people can't afford it and so will never have to make any personal changes, unlike refusing to buy cheap eggs, milk, and meat.

Playdonut
Topless supermarket shopping is ridiculous.
It doesnt involve spending almost a grand on a real fur coat and then justifying such a ridiculous purchase as needed because the UK gets chilly.
The temperature in the UK is not a -15 degree level. There are a whole load of coats for chilly weather that aren't a Canada goose coat.
I'd have more respect for people owning the fact they don't give a damn about fur and want the status symbol coat than trying to pass it off as some sort of solution to a non-existent problem.

Did I mention meat? I was very careful to say food production. Fur production is not an easy target because very few people can afford it. It's deplorable because the fur trade exists solely due to vanity.

And lots of people don't refuse to buy cheap food, there are many who can't afford anything else.

@Bluelady of course you were referring to meat - otherwise why bring it up at all on a thread about fur?

And as for people who can only afford to buy cheap meat etc - well that's precisely what I mean. The ethical thing to do is to treat meat as a luxury and not buy the cheap stuff, and "learn to understand the concept of saving up" (as you said on another post) for treats and luxuries such as meat. It's not easy to do this however, in fact it's bloody difficult for many people, which is the heart of my point.

It's very easy to be virtuous when you have to do nothing to claim the moral high ground. Not so easy when it's something that you'd have to change in your daily life. Which is why people will rage about fur, but happily buy eggs from battery hens. Neither eggs nor fur are needs in our society. So why be complicit in treating hens appallingly when you'd refuse to participate in any cruelty to a mink or coyote?

Like I say I'm not trying to change your mind RE fur, but I just wonder at this pervasive hypocrisy which surrounds the fur industry in our culture. It would be like me saying I refuse to have a car because they're bad for the planet and telling everyone who has a car that they're vile and disgusting, whilst at the same time jetting off on trans-Atlantic holidays 6 times a year and using nothing but disposable plastic cutlery.

Spending £800 on a child who will grow out of it in a couple of years is nuts.

Who's to say she will grow out of it in a couple of years?? I stopped growing at around thirteen, and stayed that size until I was in my early twenties.

You and your husband are perfectly at liberty to spend however much you want on your daughter. However, from what you've posted here, she clearly has no concept of the value of money. Doesn't that bother you?

Of course you know what I meant far better than I do. Fur and food production were compared way up thread, I was responding to that. And, despite my repeating it, you fail completely to address my point about fur production being purely about vanity. If musk and civet are outlawed in perfume production, why not fur?

Tough one.

It does sound (and i maybe well wrong here) that she is a little spoiled, or that you spend a lot of money on her and clothes. Which is totally fine if you have the money and she enjoys shopping.

I would be concerned that other girls are causing her to feel uneasy about her choices. Why? Is it because she stands out from them as she has a lot of new stuff all the time? Could they be jealous? Or was it just the choice of coat they made fun of? Was it just a one off?

I would be looking at those questions to help understand how I could make my daughter happy, have friendships and be confident. I would probably buy another coat on this occasion for school. But I’d also be thinking about the bigger issues here to ensure this doesn’t happen again. And I mean her being upset by her peers, as opposed to the wasted money on the coat.

Kids stand out in schools like sore thumbs. And that’s fine if she has the personality for that. But it sounds like she needs help and guidance from her parents.

I think its great the other girls caused her to feel uneasy about her choices. Good for them

@Categoric yes to everything you wrote! it was nice to read your comment! You took the words right out of my mouth!
It's nice to see someone being rational & kind.
I hope that everyone who have been really mean & harsh regarding OP's choices are completely vegan.

OP- although I'm not in a position to spend that kind of money on a coat for my children, However i do spend the most I can to get them the nicest thing possible. So if that much is realistic for you to spend then I don't see an issue.
I also don't think you did anything wrong as your OH was the one who bought the coat. I think it's completely up to you how you handle it. I personally wouldn't go and buy another really expensive one for her and would buy a middle of the range one.
I can remember what it was like to be a highly sensitive, fashion conscious teenager where any slight thing is the end of the world.
I don't think you are "raising a brat". I think as long as you explain about prices, earning money & appreciation of her possessions she will be fine.
I hope you don't feel too rubbish. Some comments I felt were very harsh!

The kid is 13 not 7. She should know the value and ethics of things.

Jesus Christ! I assume the people that are in such dismay over a coat don’t eat meat, fish, dairy products etc? Absolutely shocking responses!

I would try to take the coat back and go with her to choose another coat and make it a life lesson to her to really think about what you buy and choose more wisely in future.

Why should the shop loose money as it is worn when she wanted it and bought it with an adult present.