To not buy DD a new coat?

[LemonBeachTowel]

More of a WWYD then AIBU. DD is 13 years old and is fairly fashion conscious. Last week she and DH went coat shopping and she came back with a coat that coat a fairly extortionate amount of money.
Anyway DD wore the coat to school last Friday. And now hates it. Despite being the coat of her dreams the day before. Apparently other girls in her class made comments about the coat and now she can’t possibly wear it ever again.
DH has said she can have a new coat and this is were the problems lies. I think she needs to carry on with her expensive almost brand new coat. DH wants to buy her another new coat. I tried to compromise and said she can have a new cheap coat or we could return the old coat and buy a new coat with the refund. However DD wants the coat to wear at weekends and doesn’t want a cheaper coat for school. I’m bored of talking about it with her! WWYD?

People on this thread condoning bullying she ISN'T being bullied. It isn't bullying to tell your friend you disagree with their choices.

So the kids at school aren't even actually being cruel to her? One of them simply voiced her opinion on the disgusting use of real fur?

Your daughter has made her political statement in favour of killing animals purely for fashion by wearing the coat. She's happy for animals to be killed so she can wear their fur, no other reason. And she's made it blindingly obvious by wearing it to school.

Another girl has made her opinion known by simply saying she doesn't agree with animals being killed purely for fashion.

No one has bullied anyone. Your daughter made her opinion clear. Another girl simply did the same.

I'd say burn the coat and start teaching your daughter to be more moral in her fashion choices. And because she wasted hundreds of pounds, she gets a cheap cost from asda for the rest of the year.

I don't see how taking the fur off the coat makes any difference. You can't give it back to the wolf.

You have more money than sense.

I just had a look at those coats and whilst I am very anti-fur, I am more amazed that you let your daughter wear a coat that costs that much to school! My son leaves coats at school all the time.

"I too was bullied for what I wore during school because we were poor and my mother couldn't afford new uniform if my things disintegrated through wear (Not because I didn't like them) so I had to sometimes wear my brother's hand me downs (bearing in mind boy's school uniform was different). However this taught me character and also gave me a true sense of the value of money. I also became very independent and started working part time at 14 so i could afford new uniform (And days out with friends). I think these are good lessons to learn for life (ultimately teaching resilience) but it starts by letting her go through being on the receiving end of such comments without having to spend money to try make those comments disappear."

WTAF, @ID81241? Being bullied builds character? Well - it may have done for you, but for the vast majority of us who are bullied, it destroys. It destroys confidence, self esteem, mental health.

I was bullied all through school, and I don't feel I benefited as a result. I know, for damn sure, that it ruined my life. I am 54 now, and have been clinically depressed since my mid teens. Aged about 14, I was thinking seriously about how to go about killing myself - how many tablets I would have to steal from the medicine cabinet, or how hard I would have to press with my penknife on my wrist. Do you think THAT was character-building?

I have no self esteem. I believe that I am worthless, and find it hard to trust that anyone likes me, let alone loves me. I avoid social gatherings, would happily become reclusive, and made some very conservative choices in my life, due to my belief that I was a failure and could not succeed at my dreams.

From the outside, I have a good life - a loving family, a nice home, good friends - but I still have no self esteem, no sense of peace or happiness, and worry all the time.

Tell me how any of that was a positive result of being bullied!

Tbh I have sympathy with OP and OP’s DD. People are entitled to their opinions and what they do/don’t wear and what they would and would not spend, obviously, but I think you’re all expecting young girls to be way more bothered about fur than a lot of them actually are (I say this as a 20 year old who was in school not that long ago!) I think that people probably are jealous of her coat (I am tbh!) I can guarantee as a PP has said that plenty will sound off about fur but will eat bog standard eggs, meat etc, and probably use cosmetics and other products tested on animals. These teenage girls probably are jealous OP. I faced similar as a teen over having designer handbags. Perhaps they are just bothered about fur which is of course their opinion, but your DD should be able to wear her coat if she wants to without feeling like crap at school. Imo, it’s her dad’s money, he’s decided to buy that coat whether people disagree or not, it’s his choice. We all have things that we do/would indulge in that others would think was ridiculous, no?

I am appalled that you would spend so much money on a coat for a child; if it is Canada Goose.

It's no wonder she has no concept of money; make her wear it until she's 30 or until it is falling apart.

What absolute stupidity!

If it’s Canada Goose the fur trim on mine comes off. Tbh I think the other kids are probably jealous
Yet another 'girls and women couldn't possibly have an opinion on an issue... no they must be jealous' argument. It crops up everywhere on MN these days.

It's not bullying for people to point out they disagree with something going into a product.
If your child wanted a pricey coat and got it then that's the coat she wears, or she gets a bog standard supermarket one for school. Getting her an expensive coat for home and then a fashionable and socially acceptable one for school tells her money grows on trees.

Op have you confirmed if this is a canada goose coat or not?

It is Canada Goose. I don’t like people throwing around the word bullied. I never said it. Her friend disagreed with her and now she doesn’t want to wear the coat. I don’t think that is bullying.

At 13 maybe she hadnt even thought about the implications of wearing fur or know about the cruelty of the fur trade, let alone considered the implications of spending huge amounts of money on a coat which might be better spent elsewhere even if her family can easily afford it.
Maybe this other girls comments have made her think a bit which can only be a good thing. Maybe she will now investigate the fur trade for herself. I know my dd would be looking it up on YouTube and learning a thing or two.

@LemonBeachTowel you have been rather quiet. Do you not have an issue at all with the real fur? Let alone you DH spending £800 on a coat for a child!

I think your dd likes the coat if she wants to wear it at weekends. I’d keep the coat and teach her to ignore the (likely jealous) girls making comments.

If it’s Canada Goose the fur trim on mine comes off. Tbh I think the other kids are probably jealous

Jealous ? I don't know any child or teen that would wear fur. They may want to wear or do already wear expensive brands but they certainly wouldn't be jealous of someone wearing fur. They would see it as a negative thing.

At 13 maybe she hadnt even thought about the implications of wearing fur or know about the cruelty of the fur trade

Maybe. But I think most teens and much younger children are very aware of this sort of thing. With Internet access and things on tv, it's hard to avoid it. My child was very opinionated on it from a very young age due to seeing the advert on tv mentioning people killing animals for fur and bones so I'd be surprised at a 13 year old having not having thought about it.

Scrap that. Just read that it’s fur in which case I’d return it.

@LemonBeachTowel

Do you want your daughter to understand that money doesn't grow on trees and that you can't just buy a new thing whenever you want?

Doesn't matter how rich you are. I have very wealthy parents. I could have had anything I wanted. But they wouldn't let me. They wanted me to learn the value of things, to learn not to he wasteful and frivolous and stupid with money. They'd never have allowed me to spend hundreds of pounds on a coat just to demand another one. That's disgusting.

Ignoring the fur issue (which is abhorrent and you should be teaching her better) she needs to learn that she cannot spend spend spend and act like she's entitled to it. She sounds like she's heading down the route of morally bankrupt; throwingoney around and wearing fur... You might want to re-evaluate your parenting styles.

With all due respect DH worked his way from nothing to give his children this a life very different to the ones we had growing up. Just because your wealthy parents wouldn’t spend the money on you doesn’t mean he is wrong for doing so.

@LemonBeachTowel thats a bit of a rude and entitled attitude to have tbh. And giving you kids a life you didnt have is vastly different to raising a brat. You and your DH need to find the middle ground. But i agree with your DDs friends and massivly judge for having a real fur coat

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius I didn't mean to offend you or anyone else with my comments - I was simply telling my experience. And maybe my use of the word "bullied" is a bit strong. Children picking on other children/ making negative comments on someone's possessions always happens...and I've experienced similar from adults in adulthood. So it's good to learn how to respond/ not respond, without having to change who you are or what you wear for a quiet life.

I agree with you that bullying is horrific - and I experienced racist bullying (being spat on, threatened, excluded, called racist names, heckled & abused by strangers incl. adults) for all of my childhood until I moved somewhere more multicultural. While I am lucky that for me it did build character too, I also feel I could have done without those life lessons...though everything that happens in my life I've tried to learn from/ understand why the other person behaves that way. Obviously for others, bullying can have a serious & lasting impact on your mental health and I am not trying to undermine or minimise that in anyway. I was simply suggesting that by getting a new coat the OP would be teaching her daughter that changing herself/ her decisions for every comment made is the solution (which I respectfully disagree with).

@LemonBeachTowel

They spent money on me for things I appreciated. They would never have allowed me to March in from school and announce that my £800 coat is no longer what i want and they must buy me another new one. That is entitled, disgusting behaviour.
Spending money isn't the problem. The WAY you are spending the money is; because your daughter clearly doesn't understand value or how much work it takes to earn it. If she didn't behaved in such an entitled manner then I wouldn't say a word. I had lovely things, private tutors, amazing holidays and now a house... But i'd never dream of doing what she did and demanding more. That's the problem.

There's a difference between being a bit indulgent (i'm also from very poor background but i'm not in the £800 school coat bracket) and teaching children that the way to deal with problems is to throw money at them.

There are tons of kids that wear Canada Goose without a second thought about what the trim is made from. Just take the fur trim off.

@LemonBeachTowel but how will your children learn the value of money, of saving and of working hard to get things? And how will they learn that not everyone can afford expensive things at the drop of a hat - and be compassionate with poorer friends accordingly? Or do you and your husband plan to fund this lifestyle for the rest of their lives? Genuinely curious.