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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not buy DD a new coat?

262 replies

LemonBeachTowel · 20/12/2018 18:46

More of a WWYD then AIBU. DD is 13 years old and is fairly fashion conscious. Last week she and DH went coat shopping and she came back with a coat that coat a fairly extortionate amount of money.
Anyway DD wore the coat to school last Friday. And now hates it. Despite being the coat of her dreams the day before. Apparently other girls in her class made comments about the coat and now she can’t possibly wear it ever again.
DH has said she can have a new coat and this is were the problems lies. I think she needs to carry on with her expensive almost brand new coat. DH wants to buy her another new coat. I tried to compromise and said she can have a new cheap coat or we could return the old coat and buy a new coat with the refund. However DD wants the coat to wear at weekends and doesn’t want a cheaper coat for school. I’m bored of talking about it with her! WWYD?

OP posts:
ShawshanksRedemption · 21/12/2018 18:25

You said lots of girls at her school wear the same type of coat. I take it however, her friendship group don't, seeing as one of them disagreed with it? I wonder therefore why your DD wanted a coat that her friends do not wear or agree with (perhaps they wear designer coats from elsewhere)?

Taking away the ethics of fur and the value of money, all this is really about is a 13 yr old girl who wants to fit in with her friendship group. You need to talk to her about this, so she can be comfortable in any of her future choices and not feel dictated to by her friends. She needs to build resilience too. You and your husband need to look at her choices and guide her, so she knows what any possible issues may arise (like the choice of fur, which she seems to be comfortable with if she still wants to wear it at weekends). Did any of you know it was real fur? How do you as a family feel about wearing fur? If you're OK with it, you need to express that, if you're not, then you should have checked the coat first before purchase. She needs to learn to be responsible for her choices.

Is she ok with her friendships otherwise?

KittyLane1 · 21/12/2018 18:28

Anyone withering on about animal rights on this post whilst simultaneously fretting about cooking a turkey in 4 days is a hypocrite IMO.

Leather is NOT a byproduct of the meat industry and is equally as cruel as fur yet most of our kids wear black leather shoes to school unless we or they actively search for fake leather.

I have a real down filled winter coat, and a Hungarian goose coat, My husband is vegan. We respect each other's choices.

TinselAngel · 21/12/2018 18:30

Again, how does taking the fur trim off help? It won't resurrect the wolf (or Coyote or whatever).

Bluelady · 21/12/2018 18:40

Taking the fur trim off won't make a happorth of difference. The fur trade is appalling, animals are slaughtered for fashion and for no other reason. Disgraceful.

There are some people in this world who will never have to understand the concept of saving up for the things they want. I don't understand all the pearl clutching about this, if money isn't an issue it must be well nigh impossible to teach that lesson.

Starlight456 · 21/12/2018 18:51

I think it is a ridiculous amount of money to spend on a coat .Even more so for the weekend.

I think if she spent that much money she should wear it. Are you going to buy new clothes every time one of her friends make a comment about an item of clothing

PerverseConverse · 21/12/2018 18:57

Another batshit mumsnet special Xmas Hmm

abacucat · 21/12/2018 19:08

I think at this age a monthly allowance for clothes makes things much easier for the parents. Then she makes the decision about what to buy.

PurpleCrowbar · 21/12/2018 19:33

You need to give her a monthly clothes allowance (try an app like GoHenry) then let her make her own decisions.

None of my kids will be wearing real fur whilst I'm paying for their clothes, but that's almost a side issue.

She'll be off to Uni in 5 years. Unless you are planning on bankrolling her spending through that & until she lands the sort of job that allows her to buy a £££ coat, then decide next day that she doesn't like it BUT she wants to keep it anyway...then it's long past time she learned how money works.

I'm getting the impression that you aren't short of a few quid & are quite indulgent. Fine. The amount you give your dd as an allowance would probably be lots more than I allocate to my 13yo dd.

But mine knows that if she blows her allowance on an expensive item she subsequently regrets, or indeed on lots of cheap crap, she'll be skint all month.

That's probably something we all need to learn young.

I'd take this as an opportunity to introduce an allowance.

TaMereAPoilDevantPrisu · 21/12/2018 19:41

Buy her a cheap coat and educate her about the fur trade

Yeah, because a cheap coat made in a sweatshop by some poor kid being paid pennies is the ethical choice Hmm

OP if she wants to keep the coat and is getting grief on ethical grounds tell her to tell her friends a) the fur trade is regulated and b) their cheap coats are made in sweatshops by kids their own age.

MaisyPops · 21/12/2018 20:41

Just because your wealthy parents wouldn’t spend the money on you doesn’t mean he is wrong for doing so.
He is if he is inclined to spend hundreds on a coat for a child only to consider throwing more money at them to have a different expensive coat.

Personally, I think it's wrong to take the 'throw money at children' approach. There's nothing pleasant about people who don't know the value of money and feel entitled to have what they want when they want it.

oh yes darling you want a super expensive status coat that has real fur on it when there is zero need for such a coat in the UK. Not a problem. I'll spend hundred on it because although you're a child, a designer coat you want is totally what will happen. Oh your friends didn't like it? Ok darling wrll we'll go shopping again so you can have a 2nd expensive coat. You can keep the original extravagant one for weekends only, but not weekends with your friends. Now tell us which item you want so we can drop more money on you. After all, it's so important to have a bottomless pit of money so you'll never know what it is to not be overindulged

Imalittleelf · 21/12/2018 20:51

www.truthaboutfur.com/blog/5-reasons-petas-canada-goose-campaign-wrong/
An interesting article counteracting PETA view on the fur trade

CynthiaRothrock · 21/12/2018 21:23

She chose the coat she should wear it sorry to sound harsh but she made a choice. It can be hard when a friend disagrees with your choices but its a important lesson to learn in resilience. I don't agree with fur or CG coats but thats her choice. If you replace it you are just allowing her to be a self entitled brat imo. And seriously that amount on a coat? She would be mugged for it round here! To the pp that said her friend is just jealous, i highly doubt it, more like her friend is aware of the world and what is wrong with such an ostentatious item of clothing.
I have just asked my dd (10) and my 3 nieces (12-17)/ 1 nephew (19). 3 out of the 5 had never heard of CG and the other 2 said they would rather wear a old granny coat, than some over priced animal carcass ! one even showed me a image of birds after they have been plucked, it makes the fur thing almost minor in comprison

wrenika · 21/12/2018 21:27

I'd point out to her that even if she stops wearing it, those who think she shouldn't wear fur will have already made their assumptions about her...not wearing it isn't going to wipe the slate clean, so she might as well stand by her decision and wear the nice, posh coat! I'm envious. I don't have an issue with real fur though, as long as it is humanely and sustainably produced.

adultcat · 21/12/2018 21:33

@Playdonut - have a look at how these coats are made and see if you'd still love one! I can't believe anyone would think it acceptable to support the fur trade in this day and age!
OP, sorry, I have no sympathy I'm afraid..

masterandmargarita · 21/12/2018 21:35

I'm not a big fan of flaunting your wealth however rich or poor you started out in life and I especially think its a bad message to pass on to kids. No way my kids getting stuff like that but they've never been interested in status symbols.

MaisyPops · 21/12/2018 22:06

masterandmargarita
I agree.

At my school some of the boys wear expensive berghaus (and similar) windproof jackets as their school coats. They're pricey, but many of them do walking, duke of Edinburgh, scouts, outdoor hobbies and go camping as a family so the expensive coat as a point and gets plenty of use.

Some expensive label fur trimmed coat is nothing more than a status symbol. And the problem with people who buy status symbols and flash the cash is that they tend to think anyone who thinks it a bit needlessly ostentatious must be jealous of them.

More often than not in my experiences those who are really wealthy tend to be more understated and those who are into lots of showy purchases are trying to create an image of wealth.

ToysUnderFoot · 21/12/2018 23:36

I'm struggling to understand why those coats ARE so expensive (having looked at the website. They don't all contain fur do they?! Can anyone explain?

FWIW I understand fake fur is also environmentally detrimental.

FrancisCrawford · 21/12/2018 23:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Playdonut · 22/12/2018 08:10

@adultcat. Yep still want one. I hate being cold and don't believe it's any crueler than eating meat/eggs/dairy/keeping a pet/going to the zoo/eating palm oil/destroying animal habitats for housing/roads for people/pesticides/fishing/hunting/horse riding/pest control, I could go on!

Not to derail but all humans are cruel to animals in one way or another.

adultcat · 22/12/2018 08:20

@Playdonut there are plenty of other options available though to keep you warm that doesn't involve the cruel way these animals are caught and tortured for fashion.
Obviously everyone is entitled to their own view though and we can only try to make people aware of the unnecessary cruelty to animals.

rookiemere · 22/12/2018 08:26

On the upside you all must have a wonderfully comfortable standard of living if you can afford to pay that much money for a coat. < am somewhat jealous as fancy one myself but simply couldn't justify the cost>

MaisyPops · 22/12/2018 08:27

play You say you dont want to be cold. When in the UK do you possibly need a coat for temperature down to -15 degrees?

The 'but they're warm' argument doesn't seem to follow when there's no need for a coat dropping to those temperatures and there are plenty of other warm alternatives.

Otherwise it's classic buying an unnecessary status symbol and creating a flimsy argument. (E.g. 'yes we only really drive 20 miles around suburbia so our specced up massive 4x4 probably isn't required for navigating the speed bumps around DC's school. I know it's never going to be used on 4x4 terrain and will never see mud, but the person in the garage said the car seats will fit well so we bought it for the safety element.' It's nonsense of course. They got a super 4x4 because they want to be able to drive around in a 4x4 because that has a certain status to it.)

Playdonut · 22/12/2018 08:37

@maisy different people experience temperature differently. I didn't feel that the heatwave required topless supermarket shopping but lots of people disagreed with me!

TaMereAPoilDevantPrisu · 22/12/2018 09:01

adultcat problem is the other options come with ethical issues of their own: cheap coats are made in sweatshop conditions, fake fur etc are made using petroleum-based products. Of the three issues, sustainably farmed fur from pests that need culling is at the bottom of my list of concerns.

Noteverythingisabingthing · 22/12/2018 09:24

I can't actually believe your dh spent so much money on a teenagers coat! What is she getting for Christmas? A solid gold unicorn?! And the coat is now not good enough for her to wear to school?! That is before even getting started on the ethics of ending innocent animals lives in a really horrific way just so she can look good. Ridiculous.