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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to end friendship over this??

324 replies

OneTiredMomma · 20/12/2018 17:15

I have a friend I've known for a few years. She used to be my neighbour before I moved house. We were always very friendly before but have become much closer in the last 3 years since she has had children. She's a bit younger than me, I'm 33, she's 25. None of her friends (all pals from school/college and similar age to her) have kids yet so she started getting in touch more when pregnant with her first as I was pregnant with my 3rd at the same time.

It's just lately I'm getting to the point with her where she is taking the piss out of me to be frank. We used to go to playgroup once a week / 2 weeks with the kids or do a little playdate at her house or mine.
She has recently gotten into a nasty habit of dropping her kids off at mine during our "playdate/group" time slot, saying she will be "an hour", and not come back ALL DAY - 9am until after 3pm. She has done this a few times this year and it seems to be becoming regular thing. Her girls are 9 months and 2.5 years, so need hands-on care obviously.

She is generally uncontactable during this time period, doesn't respond to texts, doesn't answer calls.. When she arrives to pick them up, she is always in a fluster and has a really elaborate excuse, usually involving rushing someone to hospital, or a car accident her "friend" was in, or an incredibly fluke, dramatic incident that's occured in town and she's had to stop to give a statement to police.......... seriously. Blatant OTT lies.

I spoke to her about it and said I've no issue babysitting her children if she's got things to do, wants to Xmas shop in peace, have her hair done, etc.. but she can't just be dropping them off as often as she has been and waltzing off all day with no notice. It's not fair. She agreed and apologised, but then texted later suggesting it's best to establish a routine, and for me to have them every Monday all day and Friday afternoons, PLUS every other Saturday night, overnight, so she can have a date night with her new boyfriend. Hmm

I said she couldn't just book me in indefinitely, I'm not a childminder, and I might not always be free, PLUS I'm 8 months pregnant and not prepared to take on that sort of commitment, but happy to have them every so often. She found this to be extremely unreasonable after I had offered to have them, sulked for a couple of weeks and then seemed to forget about it and contacted me asking me to have them while she went for her Xmas works do. I hadn't heard from her at all for a fortnight and thought it was a bit cheeky, but happy to bury the hatchet.

She asked me to have her girls Friday evening and if I would drop them off at hers at "8ish". I agreed to have them but said I'd feel more comfortable just keeping them overnight (because I know she has a tendency to go a bit overboard with drink and didn't want to leave her in charge of 2 small children pissed up, plus they might be in bed by then). She accepted. All hunky dory.

Saturday came. She was predictably unresponsive. I took my three, plus her two to the park in the morning. We came back, had lunch. Little ones had naps. Still, she was uncontactable. Finally she texted me to say she was really hungover but she was getting up now and coming to get them. I offered to drop them off at hers (didn't want her driving if she was still over the limit). She accepted. I loaded all 5 kids into the car, drove to her house. Parked on drive, got her 2 out of car... Curtains shut, didn't answer the door, the phone, nothing... I ended up putting kiddies back in my car and going home. Evening came round and I received a long text from her mum saying that my friend was really poorly, probably had food poisoning from the buffet at work do (bollocks, she'll have been bladdered) and could I keep the kids another night. I was furious by this point but kept them - her mum doesn't have a good track record for looking after the kids (ie "nips" to the shops and leaves them all unattended in the house, drinks A LOT when supposedly babysitting, leaves them sitting in the car while she does her food shop.. all big no-no's in my book) so didn't want to encourage her fetching them.

My friend did not come back for her kids until Monday late morning. Angry My husband was off work last week using up some holidays days so was at home. I left him with all of the kids and went onto the drive to "have a chat" with friend. She admitted to having spent the weekend in bed with new boyfriend. That's it. I pointed out how selfish, immature and bloody ridiculous it was... and she kicked off, shouting and pointing at me, ranting and raving, and in a nutshell, I'm a horrible cow for finding her behaviour unreasonable. I'm her friend and I'm making her feel guilty for having a good time. I should be encouraging her to be happy and enjoy life, not throwing it in her face. I'm jealous because she has a social life and I'm "just a mum". I'm sad and pathetic and if I was happy for her, I wouldn't try to make her feel bad.

.... for abandoning her two small children for 3 days Confused

She took the kids and went home in a temper. Messaged me today to say she's sorry for being horrible and know she has a temper. Sorry for taking advantage...... will I have them on Saturday night so her and boyfriend can go out for his brothers birthday Shock

Give me STRENGTH. Angry

I've done nothing yet but on the verge of blocking her number and ignoring (I'm not on social media) and ending our friendship over this. I'm absolutely furious. AIBU and angry in the heat of the moment, or would you just cut her out of your life?

OP posts:
GrimDamnFanjo · 20/12/2018 17:19

What a cow. You sound like you've been a really good friend to her and she had taken advantage.

Iamclearlyamug · 20/12/2018 17:19

Cut her out she sounds horrific

2littleguineas · 20/12/2018 17:19

Block her now! It is shocking that she's treating you and her children like this. Stop contact immediately and put the friendship behind you.
Surely you know this isn't normal behaviour and that her demands are irrational?

Lettermethis · 20/12/2018 17:19

Oh my God you're an incredible friend for all you've done for her.

You've gone above and beyond, she has well and truly taken the piss. You're just free childcare in her eyes, enabling her to go and get drunk.

To be honest, I think as soon as you stop having her kids, you'll stop hearing from her anyway.

Greyponcho · 20/12/2018 17:19

She’s all take take take.
Does she ever repay the favours by looking after your kids?
Drop the CF!

MrsTWH · 20/12/2018 17:20

When she was uncontactable and ditched her kids on you for 3 days, I would have called social services and said they’d been abandoned.
Seriously I’d have huge concerns here - she disappears, lies,drives drunk, her mm leaves children under 3 alone.... this is all wrong!!

YANBU to cut her out of your life but do those poor children a favour first and inform your local SS.

Towerofjoyless · 20/12/2018 17:20

You need to end this friendship now, if that's even what you can call it. She is massively taking the piss and unfortunately sees you as her on-call babysitter, not an actual friend. Real friends would not behave this way! YADNBU.

WhoPooped · 20/12/2018 17:21

Ffs she is possibly the cheekiest bitch I’ve ever heard of Shock
Block her number and cut her out of your life

Aquamarine1029 · 20/12/2018 17:21

Never speak to her again. Actually, I'd report her to child services. She literally abandoned her children, FFS.

LittleGoose000 · 20/12/2018 17:22

She's taking the piss. Block her.

WhoPooped · 20/12/2018 17:23

^ what Aquamarine1029 said

garethsouthgatesmrs · 20/12/2018 17:23

Do you even have to ask?

I feel sorry for the kids but presumably they are safe and happy with her when she is there so no safeguarding concerns?

Assuming they are safe as far as you know then i would send her a message explaining why and then block her.

dottymac · 20/12/2018 17:23

She is using you. Please block her, she's dead wood and she needs to step up and look after her children.

NotExactlyHappyToHelp · 20/12/2018 17:23

YANBU. She’s a user and a nasty lying one at that.

Block her and never look back.

How lovely you sound though OP. I’d love a friend like you but the difference is friends don’t lie or manipulate and they reciprocate.

EmpressJewel · 20/12/2018 17:23

What does this 'friend' do in return for you?

Intohellbutstayingstrong · 20/12/2018 17:23

WT actual F!!!!!!!!!!! Get rid.

Hisnamesblaine · 20/12/2018 17:24

Sack her off.

Jeezoh · 20/12/2018 17:24

She’s NOT your friend, she’s a user. Tell her no, you’ve got enough on your plate with your own family (and the small matter of being 8 months pregnant!) then block her number.

pallisers · 20/12/2018 17:24

Yes drop her and block her but to be quite honest, I would call social services and express my concerns because now you are out of the picture, those poor kids will be left with her drunk mother or just on their own.

It is also incredibly worrying to me that a 9 month old and a 2.5 year old were ok with being left with a friend for that length of time. Mine would have been very upset and the toddler would have been asking to go home constantly.

HermioneWeasley · 20/12/2018 17:24

Agree with MrsTWH - cut her off and inform social services.

MyOtherProfile · 20/12/2018 17:25

She is not a friend. You are her free babysitter.

WakeUpFromYourDreamAndScream · 20/12/2018 17:25

Please please contact social services about her.

You're not unreasonable to cut her out of your life but if you're not there keeping an eye out for the children god knows what she'll do with them when she fancies a weekend of shagging. Please phone SS and tell them everything

Tessabelle1 · 20/12/2018 17:26

This is NOT a friendship, this is unpaid childcare and no more! Cut her out immediately!

bullyingadvice2017 · 20/12/2018 17:26

Run for the hills. She sounds like one of life's users!

HopeGarden · 20/12/2018 17:28

She’s got some cheek asking you to babysit again! I bet she’s only apologised because she wants to use you as childcare.

No way would I babysit for someone who’s behaved like that unless it was the direst of emergencies. And I’d be distancing myself from her.

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