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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to end friendship over this??

324 replies

OneTiredMomma · 20/12/2018 17:15

I have a friend I've known for a few years. She used to be my neighbour before I moved house. We were always very friendly before but have become much closer in the last 3 years since she has had children. She's a bit younger than me, I'm 33, she's 25. None of her friends (all pals from school/college and similar age to her) have kids yet so she started getting in touch more when pregnant with her first as I was pregnant with my 3rd at the same time.

It's just lately I'm getting to the point with her where she is taking the piss out of me to be frank. We used to go to playgroup once a week / 2 weeks with the kids or do a little playdate at her house or mine.
She has recently gotten into a nasty habit of dropping her kids off at mine during our "playdate/group" time slot, saying she will be "an hour", and not come back ALL DAY - 9am until after 3pm. She has done this a few times this year and it seems to be becoming regular thing. Her girls are 9 months and 2.5 years, so need hands-on care obviously.

She is generally uncontactable during this time period, doesn't respond to texts, doesn't answer calls.. When she arrives to pick them up, she is always in a fluster and has a really elaborate excuse, usually involving rushing someone to hospital, or a car accident her "friend" was in, or an incredibly fluke, dramatic incident that's occured in town and she's had to stop to give a statement to police.......... seriously. Blatant OTT lies.

I spoke to her about it and said I've no issue babysitting her children if she's got things to do, wants to Xmas shop in peace, have her hair done, etc.. but she can't just be dropping them off as often as she has been and waltzing off all day with no notice. It's not fair. She agreed and apologised, but then texted later suggesting it's best to establish a routine, and for me to have them every Monday all day and Friday afternoons, PLUS every other Saturday night, overnight, so she can have a date night with her new boyfriend. Hmm

I said she couldn't just book me in indefinitely, I'm not a childminder, and I might not always be free, PLUS I'm 8 months pregnant and not prepared to take on that sort of commitment, but happy to have them every so often. She found this to be extremely unreasonable after I had offered to have them, sulked for a couple of weeks and then seemed to forget about it and contacted me asking me to have them while she went for her Xmas works do. I hadn't heard from her at all for a fortnight and thought it was a bit cheeky, but happy to bury the hatchet.

She asked me to have her girls Friday evening and if I would drop them off at hers at "8ish". I agreed to have them but said I'd feel more comfortable just keeping them overnight (because I know she has a tendency to go a bit overboard with drink and didn't want to leave her in charge of 2 small children pissed up, plus they might be in bed by then). She accepted. All hunky dory.

Saturday came. She was predictably unresponsive. I took my three, plus her two to the park in the morning. We came back, had lunch. Little ones had naps. Still, she was uncontactable. Finally she texted me to say she was really hungover but she was getting up now and coming to get them. I offered to drop them off at hers (didn't want her driving if she was still over the limit). She accepted. I loaded all 5 kids into the car, drove to her house. Parked on drive, got her 2 out of car... Curtains shut, didn't answer the door, the phone, nothing... I ended up putting kiddies back in my car and going home. Evening came round and I received a long text from her mum saying that my friend was really poorly, probably had food poisoning from the buffet at work do (bollocks, she'll have been bladdered) and could I keep the kids another night. I was furious by this point but kept them - her mum doesn't have a good track record for looking after the kids (ie "nips" to the shops and leaves them all unattended in the house, drinks A LOT when supposedly babysitting, leaves them sitting in the car while she does her food shop.. all big no-no's in my book) so didn't want to encourage her fetching them.

My friend did not come back for her kids until Monday late morning. Angry My husband was off work last week using up some holidays days so was at home. I left him with all of the kids and went onto the drive to "have a chat" with friend. She admitted to having spent the weekend in bed with new boyfriend. That's it. I pointed out how selfish, immature and bloody ridiculous it was... and she kicked off, shouting and pointing at me, ranting and raving, and in a nutshell, I'm a horrible cow for finding her behaviour unreasonable. I'm her friend and I'm making her feel guilty for having a good time. I should be encouraging her to be happy and enjoy life, not throwing it in her face. I'm jealous because she has a social life and I'm "just a mum". I'm sad and pathetic and if I was happy for her, I wouldn't try to make her feel bad.

.... for abandoning her two small children for 3 days Confused

She took the kids and went home in a temper. Messaged me today to say she's sorry for being horrible and know she has a temper. Sorry for taking advantage...... will I have them on Saturday night so her and boyfriend can go out for his brothers birthday Shock

Give me STRENGTH. Angry

I've done nothing yet but on the verge of blocking her number and ignoring (I'm not on social media) and ending our friendship over this. I'm absolutely furious. AIBU and angry in the heat of the moment, or would you just cut her out of your life?

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 02/01/2019 18:49

You are a total star however things turn out and those children are safe because of you.

BlancheM · 02/01/2019 18:56

Good advice, she!

SassitudeandSparkle · 02/01/2019 18:57

When was the court order issued to remove them, that seems a lot to happen in a fortnight or less?

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 02/01/2019 19:04

All I can say is you should keep that sterilisation surgery with your c-section if you're taking so many children on. I know it's a good deed but I'm not sure how you'll cope mentally. YOu're clearly feeling responsible for the children but they are not your responsibility and their situation is not your fault.

LuckyLou7 · 02/01/2019 19:41

Would you be allowed to foster two children alongside your own newborn baby? It sounds like an awful lot of hardwork and the potential for the foster children coming to even more emotional harm must be considered.

Schuyler · 02/01/2019 20:28

At this point, even if the mother has been sectioned, it’s unlikely she will be admitted for weeks or months, even if she is on a section 3. I am assuming you were referring to a mental health admission. A decision will not be made about those DC long term care and I think you should seriously prepare yourself for not being deemed suitable due to your children being young. From what it sounds like, they’re a million miles away from needing permanency discussions as the mother was mostly coping up until the birth of her second child. Children should remain in their own families, where possible. Even where the sole parent has had a very serious episode of ill mental health, if they are treated, the child can return home and they can be supported to be a family.

HJWT · 03/01/2019 10:53

You really need to take a step back now, SS will not even consider you even if they say it hey would, it would cost them to much to give you 'training' you really don't have the time on your hands to become a foster carer, once mums better if they don't go back to her she will be having contact 3 times a week at a centre, are you prepared to facilitate that?

Quartz2208 · 03/01/2019 22:34

OP truthfully if this is real its an awful and selfish idea - you would be putting your need to be in control and assuage your guilt ahead of all 6 children

If I were social Services I would do a polite thank you but no thanks - there are many much better equipped foster families than you who could offer the support and care that these two need (which if true would be intensive and all consuming)

Ourmaud · 05/01/2019 18:39

Op you’re amazing and those babies are very lucky to have someone like you in their corner.

Candace19 · 05/01/2019 18:45

Do you have a spare room ? I didn't think you could foster unless you did.

ColdCottage · 05/01/2019 18:45

Wow. She is not a friend. I'd report her to child social services. She sounds very irresponsible and clearly doesn't prioritise her children.

Candace19 · 05/01/2019 18:46

@ColdCottage you need read the whole thread

ColdCottage · 05/01/2019 23:13

Thanks @Candace19 I had only read half and was so shocked but had to go off for a family dinner.

OP you are clearly a wonderful person with an amazing family.

jinglet · 03/05/2019 23:01

Any update @OP? You sound like an amazing person.

Girlmama · 03/05/2019 23:50

I’d absolutely end my ‘friendship’ with this woman but I’d also be genuinely and terribly concerned for her children. Without you I’d be worried she’d just leave them in favour of a night out with the boyfriend. She had no contact with them for three days when you had them and showed no concern whatsoever. Truly, I’d be contacting children’s services just to raise a potential concern.

Thatsalovelycuppatea · 04/05/2019 18:19

Weeeelllllll. I had a friend like this. Not answering the door one day did the trick. She fell out with me, over wanting my own space, which made me realise I was definitely being used. Start thinking about your own family from now on. Thanks

Seaandsand83 · 30/10/2019 19:01

Somehow stumbled upon this thread and got quite invested. Is there any update OP?

SewingWarriorQueen76 · 30/10/2019 20:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LucyAutumn · 30/10/2019 21:01

Hope there's been a happy resolution for both you and the kids involved Flowers

NameChangedForTheDay · 31/10/2019 18:02

Would love an update too. You're amazing and hope new baby arrived safely.

Arthersleep · 14/09/2020 20:46

If you have concerns about the grandmother's or her care of the children, then call social services. But it is certainly not your role as a friend to provide secure respite care or unpaid childcare. She can either ditch her boyfriend, settle for cosy nights in, or pay for a professional babysitter.

Arthersleep · 14/09/2020 20:47

Oops. Seen this is an old thread.

MomToTwoBabas · 14/09/2020 21:12

Omg..... this cannot be true. What the actual fuck....... do not have those kids again.

Sanitisethat · 14/09/2020 21:13

Since this thread has been resurrected (😑) I would love an update from the OP.

OP - was your foster application successful in the end?

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