Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to end friendship over this??

324 replies

OneTiredMomma · 20/12/2018 17:15

I have a friend I've known for a few years. She used to be my neighbour before I moved house. We were always very friendly before but have become much closer in the last 3 years since she has had children. She's a bit younger than me, I'm 33, she's 25. None of her friends (all pals from school/college and similar age to her) have kids yet so she started getting in touch more when pregnant with her first as I was pregnant with my 3rd at the same time.

It's just lately I'm getting to the point with her where she is taking the piss out of me to be frank. We used to go to playgroup once a week / 2 weeks with the kids or do a little playdate at her house or mine.
She has recently gotten into a nasty habit of dropping her kids off at mine during our "playdate/group" time slot, saying she will be "an hour", and not come back ALL DAY - 9am until after 3pm. She has done this a few times this year and it seems to be becoming regular thing. Her girls are 9 months and 2.5 years, so need hands-on care obviously.

She is generally uncontactable during this time period, doesn't respond to texts, doesn't answer calls.. When she arrives to pick them up, she is always in a fluster and has a really elaborate excuse, usually involving rushing someone to hospital, or a car accident her "friend" was in, or an incredibly fluke, dramatic incident that's occured in town and she's had to stop to give a statement to police.......... seriously. Blatant OTT lies.

I spoke to her about it and said I've no issue babysitting her children if she's got things to do, wants to Xmas shop in peace, have her hair done, etc.. but she can't just be dropping them off as often as she has been and waltzing off all day with no notice. It's not fair. She agreed and apologised, but then texted later suggesting it's best to establish a routine, and for me to have them every Monday all day and Friday afternoons, PLUS every other Saturday night, overnight, so she can have a date night with her new boyfriend. Hmm

I said she couldn't just book me in indefinitely, I'm not a childminder, and I might not always be free, PLUS I'm 8 months pregnant and not prepared to take on that sort of commitment, but happy to have them every so often. She found this to be extremely unreasonable after I had offered to have them, sulked for a couple of weeks and then seemed to forget about it and contacted me asking me to have them while she went for her Xmas works do. I hadn't heard from her at all for a fortnight and thought it was a bit cheeky, but happy to bury the hatchet.

She asked me to have her girls Friday evening and if I would drop them off at hers at "8ish". I agreed to have them but said I'd feel more comfortable just keeping them overnight (because I know she has a tendency to go a bit overboard with drink and didn't want to leave her in charge of 2 small children pissed up, plus they might be in bed by then). She accepted. All hunky dory.

Saturday came. She was predictably unresponsive. I took my three, plus her two to the park in the morning. We came back, had lunch. Little ones had naps. Still, she was uncontactable. Finally she texted me to say she was really hungover but she was getting up now and coming to get them. I offered to drop them off at hers (didn't want her driving if she was still over the limit). She accepted. I loaded all 5 kids into the car, drove to her house. Parked on drive, got her 2 out of car... Curtains shut, didn't answer the door, the phone, nothing... I ended up putting kiddies back in my car and going home. Evening came round and I received a long text from her mum saying that my friend was really poorly, probably had food poisoning from the buffet at work do (bollocks, she'll have been bladdered) and could I keep the kids another night. I was furious by this point but kept them - her mum doesn't have a good track record for looking after the kids (ie "nips" to the shops and leaves them all unattended in the house, drinks A LOT when supposedly babysitting, leaves them sitting in the car while she does her food shop.. all big no-no's in my book) so didn't want to encourage her fetching them.

My friend did not come back for her kids until Monday late morning. Angry My husband was off work last week using up some holidays days so was at home. I left him with all of the kids and went onto the drive to "have a chat" with friend. She admitted to having spent the weekend in bed with new boyfriend. That's it. I pointed out how selfish, immature and bloody ridiculous it was... and she kicked off, shouting and pointing at me, ranting and raving, and in a nutshell, I'm a horrible cow for finding her behaviour unreasonable. I'm her friend and I'm making her feel guilty for having a good time. I should be encouraging her to be happy and enjoy life, not throwing it in her face. I'm jealous because she has a social life and I'm "just a mum". I'm sad and pathetic and if I was happy for her, I wouldn't try to make her feel bad.

.... for abandoning her two small children for 3 days Confused

She took the kids and went home in a temper. Messaged me today to say she's sorry for being horrible and know she has a temper. Sorry for taking advantage...... will I have them on Saturday night so her and boyfriend can go out for his brothers birthday Shock

Give me STRENGTH. Angry

I've done nothing yet but on the verge of blocking her number and ignoring (I'm not on social media) and ending our friendship over this. I'm absolutely furious. AIBU and angry in the heat of the moment, or would you just cut her out of your life?

OP posts:
omione · 20/12/2018 19:18

Just think of the message YOUR children are picking up from this ( they hear more than you would ever imagine ) they will either think it is ok to treat people like dirt or they will think you should always be a doormat. Neither is a good lesson for your children

AuntMarch · 20/12/2018 19:19

I'd have been tempted to call social services the last time, her going AWOL like that- how by Sunday afternoon how were you supposed to know she was ever coming back for them!
Concern for those children would be the only reason I would consider maintaining any contact at all.

CakeNinja · 20/12/2018 19:20

I’d also be calling her mother and telling her not to call you and lie to you again.
Disgusting selfish behaviour from the pair of them. Poor bloody kids Angry

Motoko · 20/12/2018 19:20

OP, if you want to help those children, you MUST contact SS.

Those poor kids.

BlancheM · 20/12/2018 19:21

I'd have rang the police when she couldn't be contacted on the Saturday saying you were concerned about your friend as she's left you in the care of her children yet is completely unresponsive, could they please do a welfare check? She needs the biggest wake up call- who in their right mind could imagine behaving like she has?

AuntMarch · 20/12/2018 19:25

I didn't realise somehow there were more pages when I posted my reply. Now rtft and glad to see others feel the same. She definitely needs to be on SS radar.

DBN1 · 20/12/2018 19:30

user10001999

She is obviously a very irresponsible person jumping into relationships having kids with them . She will probably have a baby with this bf Sorry, where does the OP say that there are multiple fathers? Yes, she's disgusting for treating her children and the OP like this but let's just stick to the facts.

Crushedgrapesworkforme · 20/12/2018 19:31

Report to Ss - she has given more than one reason to report it. The young mother has displayed an appalling display of selfishness and immaturity for her responsibilities putting her own desires/needs ahead of those children plus your own situation. She knows you are a wonderful caring mother&friend who would put her children ahead of your own needs... she is being a CF .. she needs a lesson in parenting 101 and doubt her new partner cares.... they are just going to repeat offend until she gets a grip on reality.

EleanorShellstropper · 20/12/2018 19:33

Please report her to SS!

Isleepinahedgefund · 20/12/2018 19:34

I've been in a similar situation OP where the Mother would dump her child on me or anyone else whenever she could. There were so many issues there. I thought I was helping, but all I was doing was enabling her terrible behaviour towards the child.

In the end I left the situation and reported them to SS so I felt I wasn't abandoning the poor child. The school chipped in their concerns, as did a couple of other people. As a result of that, mother did improve her behaviour, maybe she realised people were watching her.

I'm so glad not to be involved in it all anymore - those children are not your burden to take on. Your children will suffer.

InionEile · 20/12/2018 19:40

You should contact social services. No parent can leave their children anywhere, with a friend or paid childcare, and be ‘uncontactable’. It’s just not an option when you have kids, not at all. You always have to be on the end of the phone as a parent. What if one of her kids got sick / injured and needed medical attention? You have no way to reach her. That’s probably why she’s using you for childcare because any paid babysitter would expect her to be available by phone and would work set hours. I can’t believe you put up with her for this long tbh but I am guessing, like any good parent, you just felt sorry for the kids.

She sounds awful. Very immature and not ready to be a parent. Send her a text telling her to grow up and a link to your local family planning clinic so she doesn’t have any more kids because she’s obviously not a fit parent.

Beaverhausen · 20/12/2018 19:40

Please tell me you are blocking her.

Shootingstar20 · 20/12/2018 19:51

Get fucking rid, I actually feel angry for you. I honestly don’t know how some people sleep at night knowing they live their lives with complete selfishness and carelessness

KarmaStar · 20/12/2018 19:52

Poor little children.She is totally selfish and I would be very concerned about her having them at all,what is going on in that house of she is besotted with her bf?op you have a duty of care to those children to report the situation immediately.knowing how she is,leaving things is not the answer.
Very difficult for you being out in this position,especially having your own family and a baby on the way,but once you have notified the authorities hopefully you will find some pressure has been removed from your shoulders.you've been fantastic to those childrenFlowers

EmUntitled · 20/12/2018 20:02

I would respond to her text with something like "Hmm seriously?"

I definitely wouldn't be babysitting or helping her out in any way.

I would be informing social services about her leaving the kids with you for 3 days and being uncontactable.

Kariana · 20/12/2018 20:06

I'd contact social services too. Too often behaviour like this gets swept under the carpet and it isn't acceptable at all.

ChasedByBees · 20/12/2018 20:14

I’d also report her to SS.

TheBaltictriangle · 20/12/2018 20:19

I can't sat too much so will be vague. A child in my dc class has been taken into care under similar circumstances. He along with his siblings have been fostered separately. His mother had made bad lifestyle choices which left the child at risk. The children were witness to inappropriate behaviour which they in turn have copied.

You need to call the police and social services and report this woman. These children are at risk of severe harm including sexual and physical abuse as well as death at her hands. Don't delay your decision, make the call because if they come to harm or worse, I doubt you'd be able to forgive yourself.

small2018 · 20/12/2018 20:22

That's dreadful, poor kids 

e1y1 · 20/12/2018 20:23

This is a joke right?

End the "friendship" now.
Call SS - the children will not come off well from this.

PawneeParksDept · 20/12/2018 20:24

I wouldn't block her immediately

If you stop she will find another sap and god knows if they will be as kind and reputable to those DC as you have been

You carry on

Next time this happens you ring social services with a log of every time she's done this.

Then she has to prove herself in court to get them back.

I'm AMAZED you've let this run as long as you have

DangerousBeanz · 20/12/2018 20:25

You are 8 month pregnant. What would happen if this cf left her kids with you on Saturday night, never turned up to get them on Sunday, remained incommunicado while she's bumping uglies with the bf and you go into labour?
She's not even remotely concerned about your welfare or that of your children or get children.
She's immature at best and irresponsible at worst and with her background has had little if any modelling of good parenting. This is a cycle.
You must inform your local ss that you have concerns, this mum needs support from professionals.
You must put your own health and family first and not risk being stuck holding get baby when you're about to deliver your own.
Please contact your local MASH team to get this young mum some practical help.

AnotherOriginalUsername · 20/12/2018 20:33

I'd agree to babysit Saturday, arrange a drop off time and make sure I was out, house in darkness and phone turned off. Then come up with a very elaborate and OTT excuse. Then contact SS and be done with her.

sakura06 · 20/12/2018 20:36

Please contact social services.

HolyandWild · 20/12/2018 20:40

She'll find someone else to leave them with I should imagine. I'd be calling ss and letting them know what's happened. It doesn't sound safe.