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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to end friendship over this??

324 replies

OneTiredMomma · 20/12/2018 17:15

I have a friend I've known for a few years. She used to be my neighbour before I moved house. We were always very friendly before but have become much closer in the last 3 years since she has had children. She's a bit younger than me, I'm 33, she's 25. None of her friends (all pals from school/college and similar age to her) have kids yet so she started getting in touch more when pregnant with her first as I was pregnant with my 3rd at the same time.

It's just lately I'm getting to the point with her where she is taking the piss out of me to be frank. We used to go to playgroup once a week / 2 weeks with the kids or do a little playdate at her house or mine.
She has recently gotten into a nasty habit of dropping her kids off at mine during our "playdate/group" time slot, saying she will be "an hour", and not come back ALL DAY - 9am until after 3pm. She has done this a few times this year and it seems to be becoming regular thing. Her girls are 9 months and 2.5 years, so need hands-on care obviously.

She is generally uncontactable during this time period, doesn't respond to texts, doesn't answer calls.. When she arrives to pick them up, she is always in a fluster and has a really elaborate excuse, usually involving rushing someone to hospital, or a car accident her "friend" was in, or an incredibly fluke, dramatic incident that's occured in town and she's had to stop to give a statement to police.......... seriously. Blatant OTT lies.

I spoke to her about it and said I've no issue babysitting her children if she's got things to do, wants to Xmas shop in peace, have her hair done, etc.. but she can't just be dropping them off as often as she has been and waltzing off all day with no notice. It's not fair. She agreed and apologised, but then texted later suggesting it's best to establish a routine, and for me to have them every Monday all day and Friday afternoons, PLUS every other Saturday night, overnight, so she can have a date night with her new boyfriend. Hmm

I said she couldn't just book me in indefinitely, I'm not a childminder, and I might not always be free, PLUS I'm 8 months pregnant and not prepared to take on that sort of commitment, but happy to have them every so often. She found this to be extremely unreasonable after I had offered to have them, sulked for a couple of weeks and then seemed to forget about it and contacted me asking me to have them while she went for her Xmas works do. I hadn't heard from her at all for a fortnight and thought it was a bit cheeky, but happy to bury the hatchet.

She asked me to have her girls Friday evening and if I would drop them off at hers at "8ish". I agreed to have them but said I'd feel more comfortable just keeping them overnight (because I know she has a tendency to go a bit overboard with drink and didn't want to leave her in charge of 2 small children pissed up, plus they might be in bed by then). She accepted. All hunky dory.

Saturday came. She was predictably unresponsive. I took my three, plus her two to the park in the morning. We came back, had lunch. Little ones had naps. Still, she was uncontactable. Finally she texted me to say she was really hungover but she was getting up now and coming to get them. I offered to drop them off at hers (didn't want her driving if she was still over the limit). She accepted. I loaded all 5 kids into the car, drove to her house. Parked on drive, got her 2 out of car... Curtains shut, didn't answer the door, the phone, nothing... I ended up putting kiddies back in my car and going home. Evening came round and I received a long text from her mum saying that my friend was really poorly, probably had food poisoning from the buffet at work do (bollocks, she'll have been bladdered) and could I keep the kids another night. I was furious by this point but kept them - her mum doesn't have a good track record for looking after the kids (ie "nips" to the shops and leaves them all unattended in the house, drinks A LOT when supposedly babysitting, leaves them sitting in the car while she does her food shop.. all big no-no's in my book) so didn't want to encourage her fetching them.

My friend did not come back for her kids until Monday late morning. Angry My husband was off work last week using up some holidays days so was at home. I left him with all of the kids and went onto the drive to "have a chat" with friend. She admitted to having spent the weekend in bed with new boyfriend. That's it. I pointed out how selfish, immature and bloody ridiculous it was... and she kicked off, shouting and pointing at me, ranting and raving, and in a nutshell, I'm a horrible cow for finding her behaviour unreasonable. I'm her friend and I'm making her feel guilty for having a good time. I should be encouraging her to be happy and enjoy life, not throwing it in her face. I'm jealous because she has a social life and I'm "just a mum". I'm sad and pathetic and if I was happy for her, I wouldn't try to make her feel bad.

.... for abandoning her two small children for 3 days Confused

She took the kids and went home in a temper. Messaged me today to say she's sorry for being horrible and know she has a temper. Sorry for taking advantage...... will I have them on Saturday night so her and boyfriend can go out for his brothers birthday Shock

Give me STRENGTH. Angry

I've done nothing yet but on the verge of blocking her number and ignoring (I'm not on social media) and ending our friendship over this. I'm absolutely furious. AIBU and angry in the heat of the moment, or would you just cut her out of your life?

OP posts:
ShesABelter · 20/12/2018 17:46

That's actually unbelievable leaving two kids so young for so long like that. Poor things and you. Five kids whilst eight months pregnant is alot for you too. What would of happened if you'd gone into labour and couldn't contact her? I'd absolutely having nothing more to do with her. Doesn't sound like she actually considers you her friend otherwise why would she of said you have no social life. Surely when you meet up with her it's socialising?

SongforSal · 20/12/2018 17:47

She is bonkers!!!!!

To be honest, I would have called social services after the first night, and refusal from her to pick them up. To be honest, I would be tempted to still call them.

This may be outing.......Firstly, I have a fabulous relationship with my own Mother now, however my Dm did this to me a few times as a small child. Dropping me off for a 'couple of hours' and not returning for days. I would cry myself to sleep worrying about her, worrying I wasn't loved. At about 8, a friends Mum dropped me home after a playdate, and I was so embarrassed I was locked out of the house, I turned to my friends Mum in the car, waved, and cheerily told them DM had told me to 'go round the back', and they drove off.

I actually sat crying for hours as I was locked out, then hid in a bush (I don't know why, I think I felt exposed to the world) I then walked to my Nan's and confessed Mum wasn't home again. I then spent another couple of day's at my Nan's terrified and insecure about my place in the world. It is a HORRENDOUS feeling for a child.

You must not let her get away with this.

StealthPolarBear · 20/12/2018 17:50

Oh sal :( what does your mum say about it now? Don't answer if you don't want to

Hidillyho · 20/12/2018 17:50

Respond, say you’ll have them overnight. She needs to drop them off and then just don’t answer the door. Don’t hide the fact you are in either. Just ignore ignore ignore.
Hopefully she’ll get the message

StealthPolarBear · 20/12/2018 17:51

The thought of uou lying to your friends mum because you were ashamed to admit the truth :(

GhostSauce · 20/12/2018 17:52

"You have taken advantage of my good nature time and again, using me as an unpaid babysitter, doing nothing for me in return aside from screaming at me. No I will not babysit for you again. I am blocking you."

blackteasplease · 20/12/2018 17:52

End it now.

YouTheCat · 20/12/2018 17:53

I'd just text 'Not a hope in hell. Don't contact me again'.

WildFlower2018 · 20/12/2018 17:54

End your friendship, she's not a friend. She's using you.

I'd bloody invoice her for three days childcare at the full hourly rate with penalties for late pickup.

London91 · 20/12/2018 17:54

She's taking the piss OP. She's obviously not a very responsible person if she's leaving her children for 3 days just so she can spend the weekend on bed with her boyfriend. She needs to grow up. You don't need that in your life when you're heavily pregnant yourself. I'd cut her off. Just not on really.

Woooman · 20/12/2018 17:55

She dumps the kids on you, disappears for hours/days at a time, lies about where she's been, flies into a rage when she's confronted about it, doesn't speak to you for weeks, then comes crawling back with an apology when she needs a babysitter again. Repeat.

Dump her. She's no friend of yours.

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 20/12/2018 17:56

Poor you. And poor kids. Report to social services. Where’s their dad in all this?

NoShelfElf · 20/12/2018 17:56

I think that's a number block and call to social services. She's taking the mick and her kids deserve better.

DewDropsonKittens · 20/12/2018 17:57

You're not protecting those children by covering for her

shiningstar2 · 20/12/2018 17:57

You seem like a lovely person op ...could you drop everything for me every Friday and give my house a super clean? Maybe pop round again on Monday and clear all the mess after the weekend. This would help me out enormously. I have such a busy life and I hate doing all the boring stuff myself. I'm afraid I won't ever be around to help you out and will only want to see you when you are doing stuff for me.

No? Doesn't appeal? Don't blame you.

She is a shocking user op. This is not friendship. You say you are 8 months pregnant. Look after yourself op. Can't see her reciprocating all your massive favours when you have a new born. If she really liked you she wouldn't treat you like that. She knows a soft touch when she sees one. Awful for those kids but how could you possibly keep this up indefinitely.

fernandoanddenise · 20/12/2018 17:57

Sad you really need to contact social services, NSPCC - this isn’t ok. I know she’s playing on this but what will happen if you don’t take the kids? Would she leave them alone?

Cheerbear23 · 20/12/2018 18:01

What a user. If you say no to this request, I’m fairly sure she will drop you - so job done ✅

safetyfreak · 20/12/2018 18:02

This is not about her being a shit friend but a poor mother. There is more worrying concerns here.

Please contact social services. This is totally unacceptable behaviour and I wonder how she will behave once your out of the picture.

Mulberry72 · 20/12/2018 18:03

Agree with PP’s.

Block and inform SS. She’s a solid gold CF and a terrible excuse for a Mum too.

Those poor children.

blackteasplease · 20/12/2018 18:04

I also agree you should call ss

Cherries101 · 20/12/2018 18:05

Contact social services asap.

Spaghettibol · 20/12/2018 18:07

Not only would I stop being her friend but I’d also report her to SS for that. Having a mum trying to pie them off and give them to just anyone, or leaving them alone at that age could really afffect them

ChristmasFlary · 20/12/2018 18:08

OP - you have refused haven't you?

Leonard1 · 20/12/2018 18:09

Do not collide with her irresponsible behaviour by having the children and then enabling her to stretch it all out again. Block her and ignore.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/12/2018 18:09

Wow she is no friend, just a big fat user! Would she do the same to you, I think not! Delete and block her number.

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