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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to end friendship over this??

324 replies

OneTiredMomma · 20/12/2018 17:15

I have a friend I've known for a few years. She used to be my neighbour before I moved house. We were always very friendly before but have become much closer in the last 3 years since she has had children. She's a bit younger than me, I'm 33, she's 25. None of her friends (all pals from school/college and similar age to her) have kids yet so she started getting in touch more when pregnant with her first as I was pregnant with my 3rd at the same time.

It's just lately I'm getting to the point with her where she is taking the piss out of me to be frank. We used to go to playgroup once a week / 2 weeks with the kids or do a little playdate at her house or mine.
She has recently gotten into a nasty habit of dropping her kids off at mine during our "playdate/group" time slot, saying she will be "an hour", and not come back ALL DAY - 9am until after 3pm. She has done this a few times this year and it seems to be becoming regular thing. Her girls are 9 months and 2.5 years, so need hands-on care obviously.

She is generally uncontactable during this time period, doesn't respond to texts, doesn't answer calls.. When she arrives to pick them up, she is always in a fluster and has a really elaborate excuse, usually involving rushing someone to hospital, or a car accident her "friend" was in, or an incredibly fluke, dramatic incident that's occured in town and she's had to stop to give a statement to police.......... seriously. Blatant OTT lies.

I spoke to her about it and said I've no issue babysitting her children if she's got things to do, wants to Xmas shop in peace, have her hair done, etc.. but she can't just be dropping them off as often as she has been and waltzing off all day with no notice. It's not fair. She agreed and apologised, but then texted later suggesting it's best to establish a routine, and for me to have them every Monday all day and Friday afternoons, PLUS every other Saturday night, overnight, so she can have a date night with her new boyfriend. Hmm

I said she couldn't just book me in indefinitely, I'm not a childminder, and I might not always be free, PLUS I'm 8 months pregnant and not prepared to take on that sort of commitment, but happy to have them every so often. She found this to be extremely unreasonable after I had offered to have them, sulked for a couple of weeks and then seemed to forget about it and contacted me asking me to have them while she went for her Xmas works do. I hadn't heard from her at all for a fortnight and thought it was a bit cheeky, but happy to bury the hatchet.

She asked me to have her girls Friday evening and if I would drop them off at hers at "8ish". I agreed to have them but said I'd feel more comfortable just keeping them overnight (because I know she has a tendency to go a bit overboard with drink and didn't want to leave her in charge of 2 small children pissed up, plus they might be in bed by then). She accepted. All hunky dory.

Saturday came. She was predictably unresponsive. I took my three, plus her two to the park in the morning. We came back, had lunch. Little ones had naps. Still, she was uncontactable. Finally she texted me to say she was really hungover but she was getting up now and coming to get them. I offered to drop them off at hers (didn't want her driving if she was still over the limit). She accepted. I loaded all 5 kids into the car, drove to her house. Parked on drive, got her 2 out of car... Curtains shut, didn't answer the door, the phone, nothing... I ended up putting kiddies back in my car and going home. Evening came round and I received a long text from her mum saying that my friend was really poorly, probably had food poisoning from the buffet at work do (bollocks, she'll have been bladdered) and could I keep the kids another night. I was furious by this point but kept them - her mum doesn't have a good track record for looking after the kids (ie "nips" to the shops and leaves them all unattended in the house, drinks A LOT when supposedly babysitting, leaves them sitting in the car while she does her food shop.. all big no-no's in my book) so didn't want to encourage her fetching them.

My friend did not come back for her kids until Monday late morning. Angry My husband was off work last week using up some holidays days so was at home. I left him with all of the kids and went onto the drive to "have a chat" with friend. She admitted to having spent the weekend in bed with new boyfriend. That's it. I pointed out how selfish, immature and bloody ridiculous it was... and she kicked off, shouting and pointing at me, ranting and raving, and in a nutshell, I'm a horrible cow for finding her behaviour unreasonable. I'm her friend and I'm making her feel guilty for having a good time. I should be encouraging her to be happy and enjoy life, not throwing it in her face. I'm jealous because she has a social life and I'm "just a mum". I'm sad and pathetic and if I was happy for her, I wouldn't try to make her feel bad.

.... for abandoning her two small children for 3 days Confused

She took the kids and went home in a temper. Messaged me today to say she's sorry for being horrible and know she has a temper. Sorry for taking advantage...... will I have them on Saturday night so her and boyfriend can go out for his brothers birthday Shock

Give me STRENGTH. Angry

I've done nothing yet but on the verge of blocking her number and ignoring (I'm not on social media) and ending our friendship over this. I'm absolutely furious. AIBU and angry in the heat of the moment, or would you just cut her out of your life?

OP posts:
stabulous · 21/12/2018 23:59

There's cheeky fuckery and then there's that. Fuck me what an absolute shitkettle! Block and excise her from your life.

Hotchocolate18 · 22/12/2018 00:26

Op any update?

flumpybear · 22/12/2018 08:15

I hope you've got some professional support here. Something is either very wrong with this woman or she's such a selfish cow she's willing to shit all over everyone,
Treat her children with complete contempt so she gets her own way. She's damaging those poor children though so something needs to happen

MummyofTw0 · 22/12/2018 08:36

She doesn't sound a friend at all

She sounds a terrible mother

I'd just stop all contact
You're going to lose nothing from losing this friendship

Gigglebrain · 22/12/2018 08:51

Those who say SS won’t do anything as the kids are physically looked after well, emotional neglect is as serious if not more so.

IAmW0manHearMeRoar · 22/12/2018 13:00

I hope SS help.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 22/12/2018 14:01

I agree that social services is the answer. Aside from the psychological damage, abandoning the children by leaving them with you is a safe option. Goodness knows what she’ll do next

happinessischocolate · 22/12/2018 14:22

She's definitely lost the plot, but if she was a good mum before, then this hopefully is a temporary blip and with the help of Social services she'll be able to get back to normal. It is incredibly hard being a single parent and having a friend who will look after the kids whilst you do shopping or have the odd night out is invaluable, unfortunately she's gone way too far with this, maybe she is having a breakdown of some sort or maybe she just has a shit mother and childhood herself so doesn't have a good example to follow, either way let's hope SS can help those kids. Well done OP for all you've done for those lovely children.

Helenluvsrob · 22/12/2018 14:25

Abandoned children with you ? Call soc services !

OneTiredMomma · 02/01/2019 14:50

Ohhh god I'm going to get flamed for this update, I just know it. But I know there were a few concerned folks and just wanted to let you know briefly what's happened.

In a nutshell without droning on too long... SS were involved. They have done their best from what I gather, offered a tonne of support, but friend caused a huge stir just before Xmas. She is now in hospital and will probably be in there for a few weeks/months. Her children were placed temporarily with me after much stress, fighting and fuss on my part, and ended up spending a few days over Xmas with us but have since been moved to temporary foster care on the 27th. Her mother (grandmother) is not capable of caring for them and her brother doesn't want to know, nor does their biological father (the utter complete fuckwit). As a result I have been a bit of a wreck for the last few days and just feel so very depressed.

I am due to have my 4th baby in a little over 2 weeks and feel absolutely drained (understatement) but frankly it's down to lying awake at night worrying about these kids. I've cancelled my elective section (I was only having one to be sterilised because we didn't want more kids, ironically enough) in case I'm "needed" although it's highly unlikely. I just don't want to be bed bound and helpless if something happens.

Here's the part where I get flamed - Hubby and I have decided to apply to foster them long term. I am known to them and have enough room in my home which is good. I've been given a couple of avenues I can go down, neither of which are even remotely guaranteed to work. But I'm told that children are better off being placed with family members. Trouble is, I'm not a family member and I am due to have a newborn soon, so will likely be looked upon as a poor candidate and fail my application, but at least I can say I've tried.

It's all a gigantic mess basically and I'm being a total mug and making life far more difficult for myself and family than needed, but that's it. I'm a bit of a control freak and I just feel like if the kids were here and I knew for myself they were being properly looked after, I'd be able to relax. Not to say I don't "trust" the system, but I don't know much about it either and that terrifies me. So, wish me luck. I'll probably need it at this rate.

OP posts:
Makronelle · 02/01/2019 15:04

Wow. You are amazing. Best of luck with it all.

FilthyforFirth · 02/01/2019 15:12

What an amazing human you are. Fingers crossed they can come live with you and the best of luck for the newborn.

ThatPeskyElf · 02/01/2019 15:12

Wow, you’re amazing. Those poor girls having this happen at such a young age. Thank goodness they have you looking out for them.

Make sure you are looking after yourself in the midst of all this.
Please keep us updated.

Good luck with your new bubba and the rest of your brood. Xxx

PawneeParksDept · 02/01/2019 15:15

OP @OneTiredMomma

you have done something amazing here, these children are safe because of YOU

PLEASE don't stress yourself when you are due a newborn it could be detrimental to your own health

I promise you there are excellent trained vetted foster Carer's out there who will take good care of those children if due to your newborn and actually your connection to the mother you are deemed unsuited.

It isn't you that's the problem in that instance, the mother will have to follow a plan and a contact order, a supervised one, and her knowing were you live and her having been considered a "friend" could be a problem for SS

ThePurpleFairy · 02/01/2019 15:26

Block her and make your own plans for Saturday evening, make sure you are not at home for her to just show up with them Wink

ThePurpleFairy · 02/01/2019 15:27

Ah sorry I just realised this was before Christmas Grin lesson learnt to read the full thread!

BlancheM · 02/01/2019 15:28

I take it the mother has been sectioned. This happened to someone I know and once she was well enough, she was reunited with her children with much help and support, which is always the best outcome for all involved. I wouldn't say you deserve to be flamed AT ALL but I do think you need to take a step back at this stage for you and your family's good.

Motoko · 02/01/2019 15:31

I'm not going to flame you, I understand your motivation, but you must consider the welfare of your own children first and foremost. There are excellent, loving foster carers out there, who will be able to give those children the attention that they need, without having to worry about looking after other children. It will be better for the children's welfare to go to one of those homes, rather than yours.

woollyheart · 02/01/2019 15:45

However things turn out, you have done the best you can for her children at a really difficult time.

But take care of yourself and your family now.

I'm sure others will be there to help.Try not to stress over what decisions will be made.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 02/01/2019 15:45

Flowers op you’re incredible. You HAVE helped those children in more ways than you could know. Please don’t beat yourself up over that.

In the nicest possible way whilst I think it’s incredible you’re considering fostering long term I think you have enough on your plate. Your children need you. Foster carers are amazing and have my utmost respect. The children will go to a loving family who can focus on them solely. It wouldn’t be fair on you, the children or your children if you took it on.

Take care op. You’re utterly amazing

BigFarmer · 02/01/2019 16:20

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allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 02/01/2019 16:20

I think that you have your hands full with your own family, but maybe you could maintain contact with the children and take them out occasionally, so they don't lose everything familiar?

ohfourfoxache · 02/01/2019 16:30

No flaming from me.

You’re doing an absolutely amazing thing Thanks

SheCameFromGreeceSheHadaThirst · 02/01/2019 18:42

No wonder you're stressed, OP - that's a HUGE turn of events!

There were a few threads recently about someone who was going to be fostering her sister's children as, like your friend, her sister was unable to look after them for the time being. From memory the OP on those threads was pregnant too. Maybe search for them and see if there is any useful advice there - it's a very unusual situation, but it does sound like you have a fair bit in common so I'm sure those threads would be of interest/use to you.

gimmeadoughnut123 · 02/01/2019 18:44

YANBU, she sounds like a complete tool

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