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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to end friendship over this??

324 replies

OneTiredMomma · 20/12/2018 17:15

I have a friend I've known for a few years. She used to be my neighbour before I moved house. We were always very friendly before but have become much closer in the last 3 years since she has had children. She's a bit younger than me, I'm 33, she's 25. None of her friends (all pals from school/college and similar age to her) have kids yet so she started getting in touch more when pregnant with her first as I was pregnant with my 3rd at the same time.

It's just lately I'm getting to the point with her where she is taking the piss out of me to be frank. We used to go to playgroup once a week / 2 weeks with the kids or do a little playdate at her house or mine.
She has recently gotten into a nasty habit of dropping her kids off at mine during our "playdate/group" time slot, saying she will be "an hour", and not come back ALL DAY - 9am until after 3pm. She has done this a few times this year and it seems to be becoming regular thing. Her girls are 9 months and 2.5 years, so need hands-on care obviously.

She is generally uncontactable during this time period, doesn't respond to texts, doesn't answer calls.. When she arrives to pick them up, she is always in a fluster and has a really elaborate excuse, usually involving rushing someone to hospital, or a car accident her "friend" was in, or an incredibly fluke, dramatic incident that's occured in town and she's had to stop to give a statement to police.......... seriously. Blatant OTT lies.

I spoke to her about it and said I've no issue babysitting her children if she's got things to do, wants to Xmas shop in peace, have her hair done, etc.. but she can't just be dropping them off as often as she has been and waltzing off all day with no notice. It's not fair. She agreed and apologised, but then texted later suggesting it's best to establish a routine, and for me to have them every Monday all day and Friday afternoons, PLUS every other Saturday night, overnight, so she can have a date night with her new boyfriend. Hmm

I said she couldn't just book me in indefinitely, I'm not a childminder, and I might not always be free, PLUS I'm 8 months pregnant and not prepared to take on that sort of commitment, but happy to have them every so often. She found this to be extremely unreasonable after I had offered to have them, sulked for a couple of weeks and then seemed to forget about it and contacted me asking me to have them while she went for her Xmas works do. I hadn't heard from her at all for a fortnight and thought it was a bit cheeky, but happy to bury the hatchet.

She asked me to have her girls Friday evening and if I would drop them off at hers at "8ish". I agreed to have them but said I'd feel more comfortable just keeping them overnight (because I know she has a tendency to go a bit overboard with drink and didn't want to leave her in charge of 2 small children pissed up, plus they might be in bed by then). She accepted. All hunky dory.

Saturday came. She was predictably unresponsive. I took my three, plus her two to the park in the morning. We came back, had lunch. Little ones had naps. Still, she was uncontactable. Finally she texted me to say she was really hungover but she was getting up now and coming to get them. I offered to drop them off at hers (didn't want her driving if she was still over the limit). She accepted. I loaded all 5 kids into the car, drove to her house. Parked on drive, got her 2 out of car... Curtains shut, didn't answer the door, the phone, nothing... I ended up putting kiddies back in my car and going home. Evening came round and I received a long text from her mum saying that my friend was really poorly, probably had food poisoning from the buffet at work do (bollocks, she'll have been bladdered) and could I keep the kids another night. I was furious by this point but kept them - her mum doesn't have a good track record for looking after the kids (ie "nips" to the shops and leaves them all unattended in the house, drinks A LOT when supposedly babysitting, leaves them sitting in the car while she does her food shop.. all big no-no's in my book) so didn't want to encourage her fetching them.

My friend did not come back for her kids until Monday late morning. Angry My husband was off work last week using up some holidays days so was at home. I left him with all of the kids and went onto the drive to "have a chat" with friend. She admitted to having spent the weekend in bed with new boyfriend. That's it. I pointed out how selfish, immature and bloody ridiculous it was... and she kicked off, shouting and pointing at me, ranting and raving, and in a nutshell, I'm a horrible cow for finding her behaviour unreasonable. I'm her friend and I'm making her feel guilty for having a good time. I should be encouraging her to be happy and enjoy life, not throwing it in her face. I'm jealous because she has a social life and I'm "just a mum". I'm sad and pathetic and if I was happy for her, I wouldn't try to make her feel bad.

.... for abandoning her two small children for 3 days Confused

She took the kids and went home in a temper. Messaged me today to say she's sorry for being horrible and know she has a temper. Sorry for taking advantage...... will I have them on Saturday night so her and boyfriend can go out for his brothers birthday Shock

Give me STRENGTH. Angry

I've done nothing yet but on the verge of blocking her number and ignoring (I'm not on social media) and ending our friendship over this. I'm absolutely furious. AIBU and angry in the heat of the moment, or would you just cut her out of your life?

OP posts:
bluecanoeforyou · 20/12/2018 18:10

Please contact social services, OP. Those poor children.

ForAMinuteThere · 20/12/2018 18:11

Wtaf. I would be cutting her out and saying you haven't treated me fairly and this isn't going to work. Good luck with the boyfriend.

thighofrelief · 20/12/2018 18:11

That's insane i wouldn't ever have been uncontactable if someone else was babysitting for me.

And i wouldn't have left mine at that age for so long, not even with my Mum never mind a "friend". You could so easily have contacted ss and she would not have known.

mimibunz · 20/12/2018 18:12

Block her and report her to social services. Those children could be in danger due to her reckless behaviour.

TemptressofWaikiki · 20/12/2018 18:13

Wow! She is lucky that you haven't called SS. I probaby would flag her to them after this. And block her. You cannot trust her.

luckylavender · 20/12/2018 18:13

No is a complete sentence OP

RoboticSealpup · 20/12/2018 18:13

If you're unreasonable, it's only for not dropping her after the first incident.

JustDanceAddict · 20/12/2018 18:15

She’s a prize bitch. Seriously, there are some right CFs in this world.

InvisibleAye · 20/12/2018 18:15

Personally I think I’d be too concerned for the children’s welfare to block her out. But I would probably wait until she abandoned them with me again and then report it and hand the poor things over to someone who can help them. I don’t know if that’s too underhanded or not to plan it in advance but I don’t think I could live with myself if I did nothing. Whatever you decide please report her to someone though. Those poor little things must be so confused. They’ve been very lucky to have you caring for them.

IRanSoFarAway · 20/12/2018 18:15

What the heck!! I'd be contacting social work too for abandoning her children.

Didntwanttochangemyname · 20/12/2018 18:17

I'm shocked you've had to ask if you are being unreasonable, quite clearly you aren't, but your friend is no friend at all.

Block her, tell SS about the situation and step back.

PeroniZuchini · 20/12/2018 18:17

Come on Op, you know she’s taking the piss. End it now and don’t give it another moment’s thought.

IRanSoFarAway · 20/12/2018 18:18

She abandoned her children for 3 days? I'd be I forming the police too. Do not watch the children again.

KittyClaus · 20/12/2018 18:18

Definitely block her. She’s no friend. Her poor children.

Juells · 20/12/2018 18:19

I had an alcoholic NDN when my children were tiny, who pulled that kind of stunt on me once. After that I refused to have her children under any circumstances, so she moved on to another friend who's too nice.

It's to do with drinking heavily, and not giving a shit.

KatKit16 · 20/12/2018 18:19

She's a shite mother!! What kind of Mum does this??? Selfish c u next Tuesday 😡

poglets · 20/12/2018 18:22

Lose this friend. And report to social services. I feel sorry for the kids. Do what is right for your family and do what is right by them.

Groovee · 20/12/2018 18:22

She seems to have forgotten that she's not young and free.

I'd delete and block and refuse to answer the door when she comes round attempting to drop off.

Returnofthesmileybar · 20/12/2018 18:23

Oh come on nobody is this much of fucking walkover

Posthistoricmonsters · 20/12/2018 18:25

I called social services on someone and it turned out I wasn't the only one alerting them to my new ex friend.

She was drinking a lot and leaving them with us frequently so she could pop for docs appointments etc but it turned out that wasn't the sort of appts they were, she was buying alcohol. She would also leave them home early in the morning and walk a few miles to the nearest shops to buy it. The kids were scared and disclosed her not being there to me. They would wake up and she wasn't there and they were frightened.

There's so much more to day but I don't think it should be said. She was a nice lady. But she needed intervention.

It's the right thing to do, to call SS. Your friend may be following in her mother's footsteps. Her mother probably left her home alone and palmed her off on people so it may be all she knows.

cyantist · 20/12/2018 18:26

Does she ever repay the favours by looking after your kids?

Would any reasonable parent want her to?!

Fatasfook · 20/12/2018 18:26

Ditch the bitch

Yulebealrite · 20/12/2018 18:27

One word that text. "no"

silkpyjamasallday · 20/12/2018 18:29

I'd have them again, and when she inevitably doesn't turn up to get them, I'd be calling social services. This woman is a user, not a friend. It is absolutely appalling the way she is treating those children, God knows what she will do with them if she wants to go drinking etc next time and you or some other mug won't have them? SS need to be informed either way.

OneTiredMomma · 20/12/2018 18:31

Thanks, I'm glad it's not just me being "arsey". My only big concern here is the kids. I dread to think what kind of irresponsible person she'd accept as a babysitter just so she could go out and have a good time with new boyf. They are such sweeties. Sad At least her taking the piss out of me = her kids are safe and well looked after. That's how I've been rationalising it in my head and probably why I've let her get away with it for so long.
Her mum is totally untrustworthy. She has a brother who lives at the other side of the country. Her pals don't have kids and I can't see any of them stepping in to help to be perfectly honest.
Her kids dad walked out on them when she was pregnant with DD2. He doesn't do ANYTHING. Has no relationship with his kids. I've had a lot of sympathy for her, listened, even done housework for her when I've gone round because I suspected she was on the verge of a complete nervous breakdown and it was one less thing for her to worry about. I've tried to help her out best I can and I am thrilled for her that she is so much happier in herself and met this new bloke.... but I think I've just let it spiral to the point where I've let her take advantage of me in every way possible. I make a lot of excuses for her and have done for some time and as a result made a rod for my own back. Sad

OP posts:
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