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Original poster

Putting men before DCs

444 replies

Write · 20/12/2018 11:42

I expect to be flamed but I’m beyond caring at this stage, sorry if that sounds goady!

I know so many women in real life who have jeapordized their children’s quality of life for a new men and sadly I know a few who have endangered their children too. I feel like banging my head against a wall!

A relative of mine has just moved her two DCs away from their schools, family and even got rid of their beloved dog to move halfway across the county with a man who has never worked a day in his life into his tiny filthy flat.
I’ve had friends allow (and be delighted) with brand new boyfriends minding their under 2 year old babies.

I can’t see how these otherwise intelligent women can be so blinded by love!

OP posts:
Original poster
Write · 20/12/2018 19:38

I never mentioned adoption
Neither did I

OP posts:
Huggybear16 · 20/12/2018 19:40

Why does it matter that you work in criminal law, @Candy43?

Shepherdspieisminging · 20/12/2018 19:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pinknike · 20/12/2018 19:42

I'm well aware that adoptive parents are vetted.

However the Cinderella effect is based on a theory that people aren't programmed to raise children that aren't biologically theirs.

Therefore adoption outright disproves that theory.

A man doesn't suddenly become a demon because he embarks on a relationship with a woman who has a child.

TheBigBangRocks · 20/12/2018 19:44

Why are adoptive parents hailed as heroes yet step parents are villains

There's a huge difference between the two Hmm

Adopting is where the couple really want a child and go through a huge amount of checks to have a child.

A step parent usually becomes one by default becuase they want the parent hence the problems caused for many children.

Candy43 · 20/12/2018 19:46

Oh come on. She’s talking about men not baby sitting because they might be Peodos. Surprised I have to spell that one out....

Pinknike · 20/12/2018 19:46

Shepherdspieisminging ive been with my husband for 12 years. We have a child together. He is my ds1s step father.

Are you seriously suggesting that I never leave them alone together as I don't know him properly? Shit that's going to scupper their fortnightly trips to the football.

Surely I can trust my husband as much as I can trust any friend, relative, neighbour, school teacher etc?

JacquesHammer · 20/12/2018 19:46

Surprised I have to spell that one out...

I’m sorry in the serious nature of the thread but that really tickled me Grin

Shepherdspieisminging · 20/12/2018 19:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Write · 20/12/2018 19:50

@Candy43 can you point out where I even remotely alluded to this please?

OP posts:
TheBigBangRocks · 20/12/2018 19:52

I need my own life for once she flies the nest

That doesn't have to include a man.

No saying they would still be there when they fly the nest anyway given relationship stats.

FissionChips · 20/12/2018 19:53

Wow ok the prioritising the man over the kid is awful but your baby sitting point is totally sexist and quite appalling

How do you square that with the fact that most violent/sexual offences are perpetrated by men?

It’s not sexiest to say men are more of a risk to children than females. Deal with it.

Pinknike · 20/12/2018 19:54

Bigbang I did not say that the two scenarios are identical.

I said that adoption disproves the so called Cinderella theory.

A lot of biological parents become parents by default, with unplanned or unwanted children. This also causes problems for children.

Lots of step parents give far more than biological parents.

FissionChips · 20/12/2018 19:56

I work in criminal law

Lol.

FaFoutis · 20/12/2018 20:00

There are quite a few justifications for putting men before DCs on this thread now.

Blondie1993 · 20/12/2018 20:06

YANBU. My mum was and still is one of these woman. Her partners werent abusive or anything but she constantly put them before us. I remember three - two of whom were married and one was a drug dealer! We were constantly pushed to the side for them and we were fully aware they were the priority. It was worse when she wasn’t with someone - we would just be pushed off to grandparents or friends houses for days on end whilst she went out spending money we didn’t have to buy clothes she couldn’t afford to impress men on nights out. She was a pretty terrible mother across the board though, not just in this respect.

She was single for quite a long time after we moved out. When I had DS she was very hands on and wanted to be involved constantly. She would pester me no end to have him overnight ect. For the past 6 months she has been online dating and has only seen DS a handful times in passing. She has no interest in him at all anymore. I have just let her get on with it but there will most definitely be no coming back to be the doting grandmother when it all ends badly.

I am a single parent and have been for the past 5, almost 6 years (since DS was 2). I have a good relationship with my ex and we split things 60/40. This has meant I have free time to have relationships elsewhere if I so choose. My first boyfriend after splitting never met my son at all - we were together for two years and had a great time before we ended things amicably. I have been with my current boyfriend for three years. He met DS after about a year and they get on very well but I still keep our relationship separate from my home life most of the time. We occasionally have a day out together and he buys birthday/Christmas presents for DS but 90% I will only spend time with my boyfriend when DS is with his dad. I cannot imagine ever introducing a man to my son before an absolute minimum of twelve months. I guess I am lucky that I have free time to keep things separate but even if that was to change, there is no way in hell I would be introducing random men to my son or putting anyone else’s needs above him. I find woman like my mother truly pathetic and disgusting if I am being honest!

Upsy1981 · 20/12/2018 20:11

I have said this for years. Far too many people who just move onto the next man/woman and drag their kids along with them. I'm not saying anyone should be condemned to a life on the scrap heap because they are a single parent but I really don't see why there is the big hurry to introduce the new partner to the kids or start moving in with each other. I have personal experience from my own childhood of this so its something I feel quite passionately about. It doesn't have to be forever, but just take your time getting to know the new partner, to be sure it is a serious long term relationship and get a feel for whether you can trust a person before the kids get involved. If the relationship is meant to be, it will survive that slow burn.

I have always said if (God forbid) DH and I split up, I would stay single or, at least just have a relationship without involving kids e.g. see each other at weekends when kids are at other parent's house etc. I wouldn't expect everyone else to swear to do that, but I have and I stick by it.

Pinknike · 20/12/2018 20:11

I don't really see why it has to be one or the other.

Why is it not possible to have a step parent involved, yet still put your children first?

People can keep putting out statistics, but statistically you're quite likely to die going on a car journey, yet most of you probably use a car every day.

Statistically speaking, children of single parents do far worse, but that doesn't mean that all single parents are bad.

Pinknike · 20/12/2018 20:20

Upsy1981 that's how I feel now, if dh and I split up I can't imagine wanting to bother with another relationship, certainly not the age my dc are at, it would be too traumatic.

But I was a single parent in my early 20s. Ds father didn't see him so I didn't get weekends of or anything like that.

I used to get family to babysit while I dated dh but eventually it was inevitable that if we wanted a relationship he'd meet ds. We would just all go and have picnics in the park, go out for lunch or walk around the shopping centre, stop for coffee put ds on the soft play.

Didn't bother dh having ds around he'd never tried to get him out the way or anything like that.

He was a calm mild mannered person who wouldn't hurt a child, that didn't change because he became a step parent.

chillpizza · 20/12/2018 20:25

It gets even worse when the step parent and bio parent have a child together. Being the half child in the family knowing you don’t really fit and that the full child is loved better and believed to be better overall. Always being compared.

My parents step and biological would deny this however. The scars mentally and physically still exist though.

Ylvamoon · 20/12/2018 20:30

I think unless anyone has been in such a situation, there is no way of judging or saying "I'd never do that!"
There are so many reasons why woman / men enter these types of relationships.
But of all the reasons I can think of, it's probably the fear of loneliness, being unwanted and the fear of the unknown that will always make people have these types of relationships. (We are subconsciously programmed to live in small family groups.)

YoungLennyGodber · 20/12/2018 20:31

I suppose this is a problem with divorce that isn’t always appreciated either. You may be able to find someone else, and you personally might be happy, but step-parents aren’t as good as biological parents.

Shepherdspieisminging · 20/12/2018 20:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YoungLennyGodber · 20/12/2018 20:40

Generally speaking.

LuaDipa · 20/12/2018 20:45

Probably outing but a relative of mine has a dc at primary school. She had him quite young. Before he was even a year old she was on her third ‘relationship’, all of them stayed over. I was terrified of what might happen to the dc at the hands of these strangers. By the time dc was a toddler and could speak there were conversations with dg and dc about how child was afraid of no 4. This is the only time dg intervened and told her to get rid. She didn’t, but fortunately soon after he left for someone else. We have now lost count, but she still has the boyfriends and tries to hide it.

The most disgusting thing about all of this is that she barely has the child due to ‘work’. Most weekends he’s with dg, one night a week he stays with his deadbeat dad’s parents (dad isn’t involved and pays nothing) and one night a week with great grandparents. Why doesn’t she date then rather than involving the poor dc?

Worse than that, she is convinced that dc is happy and well adjusted and harps on via social media about how the dc is the love of her life and how #blessed she is, when in reality the poor child is behind at school, sullen and suffers violent tantrums (probably due to feeling unstable and insecure and being passed from pillar to post all the time). She either can’t see it or doesn’t want to.

None of us have ever wanted her to be alone with a child for the rest of her life, but there was no need for her to bring her dc into her varied love life, and especially from such a young age. She only thought of her own needs and not those of her innocent dc. She has still never married or had a serious live-in relationship in spite of all of these random men staying over and I honestly believe it is because she is so desperate for a man. Early on I tried to be a support to her, but I couldn’t stand back and watch her ruin her poor dc. She has more help than most and is just selfish.

I can see from the other stories how common this is. Put your children first. Their home is where they should feel safe and secure and they should be your priority. You might not want to see how damaging this is but listen to what those who have experienced it are telling you. If you care that is.