Pogmella - NOBODY has said DC always come first with everything NOR That single mums have to be celibate until their children are adults.
BUT what we are saying is
Overall DC need to be prioritised - they haven't the power, they're vulnerable, a parents job is to protect them.
That if you do meet a new partner you don't blindly rush into introducing them to children, or moving them into YOUR CHILDS HOME without careful and proper preparation and time.
I rather suspect the type of man willing, even pushing to move in very quickly is more likely to be at best thoughtless, possibly controlling and at worst abusive.
And the kind of woman who would move a man in so fast isn't one who is considering her kids well being as much as she should be either. So yea I judge. Not gonna kill you to wait a few months AT LEAST you won't actually disintegrate if you don't live with someone else.
A decent mature man will understand and have the knowledge that it's not what's best for the DC.
"but I find the tone of some posts not particularly empathetic to what single parenting is actually like"
Which posts? Because I suspect that - like me - they ARE single parents themselves and if not they're speaking as the children of single mothers that behaved this way - and that viewpoint is absolutely valid here!
Candy43 the FACT is men are more likely to abuse children, that's not sexism that's reality. The poster who said about BRAND NEW boyfriends babysitting very young vulnerable non verbal children was right - it's irresponsible.
As for "you’d know enough to be able to gauge the risk." I'd argue that the type of parent that thinks the above ISN'T irresponsible probably isn't very good at gauging risk.
I told my mother about my abuse nearly 30 years ago - still doesn't believe me, still denies many of the incidents that happened including ones that resulted in her being hospitalised or in plaster casts etc... I've never trusted her to babysit dd alone because she DOESN'T assess risk appropriately. Neither has my brother trusted her. My sister has and twice my dns were injured. She's far too lax in her approach to childcare. And that's a woman that to others is "normal" - still married to first husband and father of DC, no SS involvement no obvious to outsiders problems.
"but surely you must realise everyone mixes in different circles" which is why I asked and didn't assume. Lots of reasons why some peoples circles are wider/bigger or smaller, limited in type or more varied.
When we're younger ourselves and generally mixing with others our own age/life stage most people are still with their first long term partner/spouse who is likely their biological co-parent.
As we get older couples start to break up and the original parents meet new people, also as we move into new jobs, live in new places, partake in new hobbies and meet more people that are outside our own background our circle starts to enlarge and become more varied so we're more likely to meet people that think and act differently to us.
Out of my friends now in my mid 40's and having moved around a lot (army brat, army wife, then "home" except really my parents home due to dad having been army) there's a mix of couples who are still with their original spouse/partner and their DC are biologically both theirs, single parents (inc 3 dads who are the RP's, one of those and a few of the women who are single parents their partners/spouses died), families with a step parent and blended families, some of the step parents have biological DC of their own, some don't. This all didn't happen overnight, when we were in our 20's those who were parents were still with the other biological parent or that parent was still alive. The few people I knew who were divorced, step parents etc were acquaintances or work colleagues not people I knew well as we had little in common and they were rather busy with their families etc.
"I find it terrifying that you apparently work in criminal law with that dangerous attitude to child safely." Seconded
Pinknike I believe the cinderella effect isn't just about raising non biological children but raising step children alongside biological children or with the biological parent - it's a reaction to the bond between the biological family members
And from the little I know about adoption not having gone through it myself, one or both of a couple having a biological child is considered a factor in assessing suitability as adoptive parents.
Candy43 - most paedo's are men! That's a fact! And it's not just sexual abuse, it's physical too - again far more likely to be perpetrated by a man.
As I said before I personally wouldn't have left my 5 month old with ANYONE who I'd only known 2 months!
"I said that adoption disproves the so called Cinderella theory." Except it doesn't. The checks that potential adopters go through are partly put in place precisely because children are more vulnerable to abuse from non-biological parents.
"There are quite a few justifications for putting men before DCs on this thread now." Scary isn't it?
"If the relationship is meant to be, it will survive that slow burn" exactly! Excellent way of putting it. And any new partner unwilling or unable to cope with that is unlikely to make a good partner/step parent anyway.
"Statistically speaking, children of single parents do far worse" that's been repeatedly shown to be actually due to other factors - less money in the household (not helped by the fact maintenance isn't enforced properly and is ludicrously low!), which means these families are living in less well off areas, going to not as good schools etc. Children of single parents who are quite well off do no worse than those in 2 parent families.
"but eventually" eventually means different things to different people. We've an example on this thread of 2 months! Yes eventually you move toward introducing them to each other, gauge if they get along, then overnights, then a few nights and then think about moving in taking the kids needs into consideration.
Yivamoon - none of those reasons justify risking your child's health & wellbeing.
"I could have stayed on my own, I'm not sure that would have been automatically better for ds than where we are at now." As has been said repeatedly it's not an either or situation, it's not 'never have another live in partner' it's 'caution and thoughtful consideration of the child's needs and pace should be the priority'