Putting men before DCs

[Write]

I expect to be flamed but I’m beyond caring at this stage, sorry if that sounds goady!

I know so many women in real life who have jeapordized their children’s quality of life for a new men and sadly I know a few who have endangered their children too. I feel like banging my head against a wall!

A relative of mine has just moved her two DCs away from their schools, family and even got rid of their beloved dog to move halfway across the county with a man who has never worked a day in his life into his tiny filthy flat.
I’ve had friends allow (and be delighted) with brand new boyfriends minding their under 2 year old babies.

I can’t see how these otherwise intelligent women can be so blinded by love!

Do some people not believe that it is possible for a child to have a step parent and still be put first, and not be uprooted?

There are horror stories here, but I know plenty of adults who are the product of blended families and step families, and are happy and have good relationships with all parties.

@Write if me and DH split I wouldn't even have a new man around my child!

@Pinknike of course it's possible, in fact my own sister has a blended family and it works very well for them.

However, this thread isn't really about blended families as such. It's about introducing "partners" into your children's lives when you barely know them.

This was my DM. She remarried twice, both times they were moved in within days. Both were extremely physically abusive to me. She only left the first stepfather when the second was lined up and ready to move in, despite being well aware of the abuse. The other day she recounted the story of an abusive incident (second stepfather force feeding me from the dog’s bowl) to my DH as if it was some hilarious anecdote.

She’s still with second stepfather, despite him having left her for other women twice in the last two months and then coming back, amid much drama. My two teenage DBros still live there, are fully aware of the dramatics, and she justifies taking him back because ‘they insist’. She doesn’t seem to understand what putting your DCs first means. If you put any of this to her she’d play the victim, none of it would be down to her shitty parenting. It’s only now that I have a DS that I realise just how awful it was.

Huggybear I appreciate what you're saying, but some people on here are actually saying things like they don't believe in blended families.

Of course introducing a new man too soon could be a disaster. As would going from relationship to relationship.

But it's the ones saying how they'd never introduce a new man etc. They're entitled to how they feel, but it's very judgmental.

The cinderella effect was a theory to EXPLAIN why abuse rates are so much higher for stepparents/boyfriends. It suggested evolutionary psychology. It is contested.

The fact that ABUSE RATES ARE MUCH HIGHER FOR UNRELATED MALES IS STILL 100% TRUE AND HAS NOT BEEN DISPROVEN.

quote:

the 2010 US Fourth National Incidence Study of Abuse and Neglect, found that children whose single parent had a partner in the home were 20 times more likely to be sexually abused than those in a two-biological-parent family.

Step and single-parent families accounted for only one-third of all children in the US, but more than two-thirds of all children who experienced child sexual abuse. There is research from Britain and many other countries showing similar results.

www.smh.com.au/opinion/mums-boyfriend--the-worst-sexual-risk-to-children-20140213-32n3s.html

You can see why when even on this thread women are happy to hand over their non verbal babies to virtual strangers. Twenty times more likely to be sexually abused. Twenty.

And Even a modern study "disproving the Cinderella effect" finds child homicide six times more likely for young children. There is no difference in child homicide for older children. So if your children are older and more verbal then the danger is lessened.

It won't help the women desperate to move a man in around their five month old after 2 months...

How does the so called Cinderella effect apply when it comes to adoptive parents and foster carers?

Why are adoptive parents hailed as heroes yet step parents are villains?

There are a multitude of reasons why step children are at greater risk of abuse and biology is likely only a tiny part.

I'm afraid I don't believe that you can always put your children first, and neither does it serve them well to do so. Absolutely I will whenever I can, but staying single for the next 17 years because my dickhead exh cheated when she was a baby won't serve her well either- I need my own life for once she flies the nest!

Pogmella nobody is suggesting you should stay single for the next 17 years but making “getting a man” your priority and moving his in prematurely would be unwise at best and neglectful at worst.

I think you absolutely should put your children first, always.

Write the pps suggesting they don't agree with blended or step families are.

I do have a partner of nearly a year now, we live separately but I find the tone of some posts not particularly empathetic to what single parenting is actually like. 'Desperate' is a mean word to chuck out there, especially if you're all curled up with DH and 2.4 perfect kids...

Well, yes. Conceded.

I'm a single mum and am very careful with men meeting my DS. My DS is 4. His dad and I broke up for over a year before I had another long term (2 years) boyfriend, we lived separately and he wasn't introduced to DS for months then was just 'mummy's friend'. DS is a daddy's boy so I was very careful with forcing any relationship on him with a new partner (luckily as we broke up a couple months ago.. DS isn't bothered at all)
I'm planning on putting my energy in to getting DS ready for school so relationships are on the back burner for a while! I think DC should always come first. Men come and go but my DS is the love of my life.

Adoptive parents and foster carers are VETTED BY THE STATE.

But I agree it's not about biology. It's self selecting. The kind of woman who would move a man in so fast doesn't care about her kids being abused. Cares about themselves first. Neglectful selfish monsters.

It sounds like you’re projecting because I’m single and I do think the type of behavior described is desperate.
I’m single too so I don’t know what “being cuddled up with DH” has to do with it (though I think you seem to have a bit of a glamorized view of married life and think my married friends would agree)

I need my own life for once she flies the nest!

There’s plenty of ways to have a life that don’t involve a partner

Wow ok the prioritising the man over the kid is awful but your baby sitting point is totally sexist and quite appalling.

There are good men out there. You wouldn’t leave your kid with a guy you’ve known for two mins but if he’s a proper boyfriend you’d know enough to be able to gauge the risk.

Desperate' is a mean word to chuck out there, especially if you're all curled up with DH and 2.4 perfect kids...

Lol

adoptive parents undergo rigorous checks and intrusion and then take in and care for an often traumatized child with attachment issues for years without any thanks but you think it's the same as moving some dickhead in after 5 mins cos you're jealous of "smug marrieds"?

Candy “you’d know enough to be able to gauge the risk” I’m sure many many women have thought the same.

Yep and many women found they had good guys. I work in criminal law and even I’m not as paranoid and sexist as you.

YOUR CHILD IS MORE LIKELY TO BE ABUSED BY YOUR HUSBAND THAN A STRANGER

Now i have got that off my chest, i think this thread is very judgy assuming that intro into a boyfriend to your child is damaging or putting them at risk.

Firstly, you are not emotionally damaging your children by introducing them to your boyfriend if that child is secure and happy and not looking to fill a gap- for example my exp and i are good friends and share the kids 60/40 so my kids are not looking for a new father and literally don't see my boyfriend as this.

Putting your children first doesn't mean putting yourself last.

Graphista

You say Spirited London - how old are you? Have you much life experience? but surely you must realise everyone mixes in different circles. I only have one friend who is a single parent, I literally don't know anyone else who isn't married or who has children with a long term partner.

I'm not young (I wish!) or lacking in life experience, I obviously just know different people to others on this thread!

Write I never mentioned adoption or ok'd 'moving someone in after 5 minutes'. Just appealled for a little compassion.

Paranoid and sexist because I think it’s atrocious to leave a non verbal baby with a brand new boyfriend?!
I find it terrifying that you apparently work in criminal law with that dangerous attitude to child safely.