Putting men before DCs

[Write]

I expect to be flamed but I’m beyond caring at this stage, sorry if that sounds goady!

I know so many women in real life who have jeapordized their children’s quality of life for a new men and sadly I know a few who have endangered their children too. I feel like banging my head against a wall!

A relative of mine has just moved her two DCs away from their schools, family and even got rid of their beloved dog to move halfway across the county with a man who has never worked a day in his life into his tiny filthy flat.
I’ve had friends allow (and be delighted) with brand new boyfriends minding their under 2 year old babies.

I can’t see how these otherwise intelligent women can be so blinded by love!

We live and learn @Bluebellsarebells

You can see now it was a mistake and are determined to break the cycle and not let it happen again. I'd say that makes you a good mum. The kind of parent we are discussing would continue this despite the first hand experience of it being a shit storm for their children.

I think there's a lot of people who cannot be alone. I know several, male and female. Its sad when they gave no kids as they still get messed around and often treated poorly as their desperation is obvious and attracts arseholes.

When they are parents it can be devastating. One of them is notorious for not being able to be alone even a week and she jumped out of her relationship into a string of others. Luckily baby was too little and stayed with nan. She had cbt and is different now. The other would have said it worked for her too but 30 years later was told the truth. She was devestated. Her kids dont blame her, they hate their dad as he fucked off completely but they know she was in a terrible place and in her case, the man took advantage.

I did have to argue with one friend who wanted her far too eager new bf to move in and look after her her young dd. He was desperate and creepily so, it made everyoe uneasy- even her now she looks back on it. I'm sure many people would say MYOB but I'm glad i didn't as the now teen has told me how uncomfortable she made him.

I just find the tone if so much of this thread incredibly judgemental. I'm sure if I we considered single parents who had been widowed rather than divorced it would all be quite different. Not so many people righteously saying if their DH died they'd never introduce a new partner to their kids.

I'm sure if I we considered single parents who had been widowed rather than divorced it would all be quite different

Have you not read the last couple of pages? Besides, no one is saying nevr introduce them, just take some time ffs.

The defensive and self justifying posts on here are very iluminating.

Just screams 'Please make me feel ok about my choices, i need approval'

I dont approve. Widowers included.

I lived it. Unless you have personal experience, piss off.

My friends elderly relative did that once widowed. Straight into dating and into a new man. Couldn’t be apart, he was always right. She’s lost most of her family because of him. Only one of her child and one of her grandchild still see her, none of her great grandchildren know she even exists. All for a man to be a couple and not be alone. Apparently all the people that won’t talk to her are in her will. My friend has said they doesn’t want a penny of her disgusting money that she man her choice when she married that man.

Belindabauer

Fantastic post and matches totally with my experiences.

So is the answer for single mums not to have any sort of love life until their children are basically adults.
TBH I've stayed single for a decade as ex left me when dd was born but I can understand why single mums look for relationships often seeing their ex coupled up and happy and dealing with the responsibility of everything falling to them.
I guess the issue is how long do you date someone before introducing them to your children.

Belindabauer

Agreed.

Its not that single parents cant have love or a relationship. To state that is to miss the point entirely.

Its about managing that need with respect for the children. And their needs. Its not a hard concept.

1moreRep Thu 20-Dec-18 19:35:33
YOUR CHILD IS MORE LIKELY TO BE ABUSED BY YOUR HUSBAND THAN A STRANGER

NEWSFLASH: YOUR BOYFRIEND IS NOT A STRANGER

AND

YOUR CHILDREN ARE MORE LIKELY TO BE ABUSED BY YOUR BOYFRIEND THAN THEIR BIOLOGICAL FATHER. AT LEAST SIX TIMES MORE LIKELY TO BE KILLED AND TWENTY TIMES MORE LIKELY TO BE SEXUALLY ABUSED

It's amazing how people just don't care. They'll cling to anything because heaven forbid that people have to put their own children first.

And this thread is interesting because one of the big issues re the trans debate is the increased statistical risk of putting trans women in women's spaces. Yet moving in a boyfriend with a young child is statistically extremely dangerous yet there's no campaigns or controversy about it at all!

Single parents can have a love life. But it doesn't need to involve your children.

I have a FWB. I see him when DS is at his dad's house. He has no contact with DS whatsoever. If I had a boyfriend I'd do the same thing. No need for him to be in DS's life.

Bitchqueen not everyone wants a FWB. I certainly don't. Some people want a meaningful relationship.

People, myself included are defensive because the way some of you are talking any mother who goes on to re marry doesn't give a stuff if her children are murdered or abused. It's bullshit.

It's sad that some f you have had such experiences with your own parents, but don't put your own issues onto everybody else and onto people you don't really know anything about.

A FWB does not appeal to me in anyway I would rather have a meaningful relationship or stay single.

Thanks Graphista.

Let's not take away from the fact there are some brilliant step dad's out there and some men who have helped raise their partners children and done a fantastic job often better than the child's biological parent.

People, myself included are defensive because the way some of you are talking any mother who goes on to re marry doesn't give a stuff if her children are murdered or abused. It's bullshit

It is bullshit as literally nobody is saying that.

So suggest your defensive is merely your own thoughts surfacing.

Obviously there are user, but some people like to take unnecessary risks where their children are involved. You have to have known the biological father at least 9 months before you have a child together, yet some are introduced weeks after meeting.
To then leave them in sole charge of the child they’ve known a short while is baffling in my eyes.
I wouldn’t risk it.

Candy43 I’m interested in your comment about working in criminal law especially when you don’t seem to have an issue with men moving in with children so quickly. Why is that?

Jacqueshammer some people are saying exactly that.

Someone upthread even said that I am taking a risk leaving my tee ds with his stepfather, who I have been married to for several years. I think you need to go back and read each post, because plenty of people are saying exactly that. That blended families are wrong full stop.

Many people here are talking at cross purposes, some people are talking about introducing new partner too quickly but others are going much further than that.

I'm not quite sure what you mean by saying my own thoughts surfacing?

I'm not quite sure what you mean by saying my own thoughts surfacing?

Well if you were truly comfortable with your life choices there’s nothing to be defensive about...it’s an anonymous forum

Especially when you’re extrapolating a wider conversation to refer to you!

I didn't fully appreciate how damaging my mother's choices regarding new relationships were until I had DC of my own.

She was a widow with 4 DC, (aged between 5 and 3 months), pregnant and remarried within a year. Oldest 3 DC shipped off to boarding school, none at the wedding. Father never mentioned ever again. New man a violent alcoholic.

Next relationship, 6 children aged 17 to 6. Again remarried within a year (6 months pregnant at the wedding). Only 1 favoured child at wedding. Younger DC, who's father was still alive but completely cut out, calling new man Daddy within 2 months of the wedding, left alone with new man while mother in hospital for a week giving birth. He was physically and mentally abusive but of course we had to be grateful he'd taken us on.

She and stepfather now only have any interest in his bio grandchildren, they are the only ones who'll inherit anything after years of favouritism including Uni being funded etc.

To this day, she does not feel any of that has caused an impact on her oldest 6 children, all of us pretty fucked up which she maintains is due to our own personality flaws. Actively accusing us of jealousy with no conscious awareness that she created the seeds for that having so many children fighting for attention with blatant favouritism as well. Absolutely batshit and self absorbed.

The main reason I have stayed with DH for 25 years, through the ups and many serious downs. I'd rather my DC were in a situation with parents who don't get along all the time than have strangers inflicted on them in their lives and home and the fallout from that.