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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think DH is really controlling with money

135 replies

FishFingersAndCustard11 · 19/12/2018 13:35

Me and DH like having a movie night in on a Sunday. Dd goes to bed at 7pm so we're usually able to watch about 2 movies with some popcorn as some nice alone time. We have sky but their prices for dvds are more expensive then actually buying the dvd from a shop. Over some time I built up quite a collection (all my dvds because I'm the only one that paid for them) and I said to DH I was considering selling them all because we hardly ever watch the same dvd again, unless it's on tv or we really liked it.

The next day DH went to CeX to sell the dvds. We got quite a bit for it and I said we could split the money in half. He then moaned about having to split the money because my uncle gave me £50 in a Christmas card and he thought it was unfair I was going to have more money than him Hmm

AIBU to think this is really jealous and controlling behaviour? He's actually refusing to give me the money. Its not like we're poor either. I don't even know what he has in his bank and I'm sure he doesn't know what's in mine, so how does he know I even have more than him??

I'm probably overreacting but I'm so annoyed at this!! I'm not even bothered about the money, if he really wanted the money he could of kept it but it's all this jealousy I'm sick of. I want to have a joint bank account, I don't even like this whole having to split the money etc, but he's so hell bent on having more money than me!

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 19/12/2018 13:40

Yours is such a peculiar way to organise money for a family with children. Assuming you're both pulling your weight and contributing fairly - be it via working outside of home/childcare/housework, the norm is just to pool all the money. It doesn't have to be a joint account, just the idea that all money is joint wherever it sits.

Shoxfordian · 19/12/2018 13:41

But they're your DVDs so you're entitled to all the money; he's lucky you wanted to give him any at all.

His attitude is weird. Why don't you have a joint account for some stuff? You're married so technically it should all be joint anyway

Dotty1970 · 19/12/2018 13:42

Omg,that's really really selfish and wrong of him.
To not know what he has in his bank, well what each other has really as surely this is needed to run the household and life style efficiently if you know what I mean.... I bet he has loads stashed away.
Don't let him take the money for the dvds, he is controlling, if your not happy I would get rid.

SilverySurfer · 19/12/2018 13:43

Take something of his of similar value to sell and keep the money - see how he likes it. He sounds very immature.

Original poster
FishFingersAndCustard11 · 19/12/2018 13:44

@arethereanyleftatall

Some how we do manage without knowing what's in each others bank. I cover sky, gas, water and he covers tv license, electric, talk talk. We split rent in half. This is what happens every month to avoid discussion of who's paying what. I don't like all the money being split and I have tried to convince DH to pool the money together but he called me a money grabber

OP posts:
Original poster
FishFingersAndCustard11 · 19/12/2018 13:47

I'm glad I'm not the only one seeing how selfish he is! Mil doesn't see it but he's a golden child anyway, so he can never do any__ wrong anyway.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 19/12/2018 13:50

Do you both earn the same amount and do the same amount of childcare/housework?

JudasPrudy · 19/12/2018 13:54

HE is the money grabber! Urgh I would be furious at this!

Avrannakern · 19/12/2018 13:54

"You called me a money grabber when I suggested joint finances. I bought all those DVDs with my money from my account. The money from selling them is mine. Or are you now a money grabber? You wanted separate finances; this is separate finances. The money from my uncle is mine. The money from my DVDs is mine"

JudasPrudy · 19/12/2018 13:55

And I bet he doesn't want discussion about bills because you're paying a damn sight more than he is.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 19/12/2018 13:56

Given how separate your finances are, I'm curious as to why you offered him half in the first place. Generous certainly, but it doesn't sound as if this is the first time that money has caused issues.

Ellisandra · 19/12/2018 13:59

I’d bet a real life tenner that he has more disposable income than you.,

Original poster
FishFingersAndCustard11 · 19/12/2018 14:01

@arethereanyleftatall I do part time work he does full time work (his hours vary but never under 30 hours a week). He never looks after dd, when I'm at work and he's not, fil has her because dh 'needs alone time'. I also do all the housework. He's on a lot more money than me but that isn't adjusted accordingly, I contribute almost as much as him to the household. Meaning he has a lot of spare money and I have barely a penny.

OP posts:
Original poster
FishFingersAndCustard11 · 19/12/2018 14:02

@Ellisandra
You've hit the nail on the head!

OP posts:
seventhgonickname · 19/12/2018 14:04

Me and ex had a joint account for bills and joint spends,food,children etc.Our personal bank accounts were separate but not secret,we had access to each other statements if we wanted.
Tell him he's right ,the money shouldn't be halved,you bought the DVDs so all your money.

arethereanyleftatall · 19/12/2018 14:05

Then, op, that is beyond awful. Utterly unacceptable. You should not be paying half.
I would ltb over this.

Murinae · 19/12/2018 14:06

Do you know how much both of you earn?

HouseworkIsASin10 · 19/12/2018 14:07

How did you get as far as marrying him without noticing this trait?

DeepanKrispanEven · 19/12/2018 14:09

Assuming you're both pulling your weight and contributing fairly - be it via working outside of home/childcare/housework, the norm is just to pool all the money

Well no, it isn't. People have different models that suit them, e.g. both partners having their own accounts but contributing to a pool for household expenses in agreed proportions, or splitting responsibility for the bills.

But in this case there should be no issue - the CDs are OP's, therefore the proceeds of sale are hers. It's particularly odd that he thinks OP should let him have all the proceeds just because she's received a £50 gift, when he doesn't think there should be an adjustment resulting from the fact that he regularly receives more than her for wages.

Missingstreetlife · 19/12/2018 14:10

He is an idiot. Why did he sell them, not you? Fine to split it or give him %.
My dp would be like this. I just arrange things so he pays more. We have own accounts plus joint for bills.
Did he think you should share your Xmas money, was the card to both of you?

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 19/12/2018 14:11

It's not fair that you got a nice present of cash from a relative? People that love you are supposed to be happy when nice things happen to you not petty and jealous and taking some of your stuff back to 'even things up'

It's easy for outsiders to say LTB and it gets said far too often on this forum however this type of stingy selfish behaviour would definitely be a deal breaker for me. Financially he doesn't see your family as a single unit at all. What happens if he has loads of savings? Is he going to retire early and treat himself while you work forever and can't afford anything and he just watches you struggle?

It sounds like you would have better finances and a better split in childcare and household tasks if you were single as you'd have child maintenance / divorce settlement and would only have to look fter 2 of you.

I would be very interested to investigate how much he earns and how much he has saved.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/12/2018 14:12

I think you need to think about why you are still there. I wouldn't be.

blueshoes · 19/12/2018 14:13

Yes, your dh is very controlling with money.

Is he also controlling and mean in other ways? There seems to be a pattern based on what you describe in terms of the (non)split in childcare and housework.

Starfish28 · 19/12/2018 14:13

This isn’t crazy. He has far more money than you, seems to contribute very little to childcare and is behaving like a child over something you bought? Is the relationship good in other ways? I’m really struggling to get me head around why you tolerate this level of awfulness? He is clearly building up savings while you have nothing.

GCAcademic · 19/12/2018 14:14

Go and sell something of his to the same value and keep the money.

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