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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is really controlling with money

135 replies

FishFingersAndCustard11 · 19/12/2018 13:35

Me and DH like having a movie night in on a Sunday. Dd goes to bed at 7pm so we're usually able to watch about 2 movies with some popcorn as some nice alone time. We have sky but their prices for dvds are more expensive then actually buying the dvd from a shop. Over some time I built up quite a collection (all my dvds because I'm the only one that paid for them) and I said to DH I was considering selling them all because we hardly ever watch the same dvd again, unless it's on tv or we really liked it.

The next day DH went to CeX to sell the dvds. We got quite a bit for it and I said we could split the money in half. He then moaned about having to split the money because my uncle gave me £50 in a Christmas card and he thought it was unfair I was going to have more money than him Hmm

AIBU to think this is really jealous and controlling behaviour? He's actually refusing to give me the money. Its not like we're poor either. I don't even know what he has in his bank and I'm sure he doesn't know what's in mine, so how does he know I even have more than him??

I'm probably overreacting but I'm so annoyed at this!! I'm not even bothered about the money, if he really wanted the money he could of kept it but it's all this jealousy I'm sick of. I want to have a joint bank account, I don't even like this whole having to split the money etc, but he's so hell bent on having more money than me!

OP posts:
RandomObject · 19/12/2018 14:15

Tell him that in no uncertain terms, he is stealing money that is rightfully yours and needs to hand it over.

Missingstreetlife · 19/12/2018 14:16

Arethereanyleft.
Can you not see this is exactly why people don't want 'family money'. That works if people are fair, communicate properly and have similar wants and values. Lots don't and it's easier to keep some or all money seperate.
There is no law which says everything must be shared, in the event of divorce assets will be considered.

Original poster
FishFingersAndCustard11 · 19/12/2018 14:17

@Murinae
I know he's on £8.50 an hour and his hours vary a week. He never tells me how much he has, but if I really wanted to I guess I could sit down and figure it out. I'm on £7.83 an hour. He does full time i do part time so it's very obvious he's on more money than me, but no I don't know how much he gets at the end of the month.

@HouseworkIsASin10
I often ask myself that. He has got worse since we've been married

@Missingstreetlife
The card was just addressed to me and dd. My uncle doesn't really get along with DH, and he said he gave me that much money because he knew money was hard for me (not DH).

OP posts:
XmasPostmanBos · 19/12/2018 14:17

Things are not split fairly at all. If he is not willing to contribute extra to make up for your loss of earnings by taking on the childcare then you need to rethink.

tryinganewname · 19/12/2018 14:18

@arethereanyleftatall it's completely normal for a household with children not to pool all their money - DH and I have our own bank accounts and savings, bills come out of a joint pot.

Avrannakern · 19/12/2018 14:19

Why do you stay in a relationship like This?

I don't understand. Is it a lack of self worth, or confidence? Fear of being alone?

Honestly, being a single parent is preferable to a life with someone who has no respect or care for you.

Stopwoofing · 19/12/2018 14:20

he was never entitled to any of the DVD money in the first place, and to take your half is very dubious. I wouldn't ask my MIL for impartial advice! Or perhaps I would and be unsurprised if she failed to see my perspective.

Original poster
FishFingersAndCustard11 · 19/12/2018 14:20

I've put DH not contributing to housework, childcare etc because of his laziness. He is very lazy.

There are good aspects of the marriage and we have been through a lot together. If he wasn't lazy and wasn't controlling over money, he would honestly be my perfect guy!

OP posts:
Stopwoofing · 19/12/2018 14:20

it's not normal for the higher earner to take advantage of the lower earner though when things are supposedly split 50/50. I'm not even sure 50/50 is fair if one person earns more.

blueshoes · 19/12/2018 14:21

OP, even your uncle (who is an outsider) sees that life is harder for you compared to your dh. This is a red flag. Sad

blueshoes · 19/12/2018 14:22

OP, if he is the perfect guy, could you list his good qualities?

YoungLennyGodber · 19/12/2018 14:22

What a crazy idea - they were yours to sell, and the proceeds belong to you! Don’t understand your DH’s logic there at all. I suspect there isn’t any and he knows it. He just sounds controlling to me.

But then my DH isn’t much better... he’ll put money into my account and tell he it’s mine, for me to have my hair done or to buy clothes, but I use it for the DC’s clothes, shoes, haircuts, playgroups and top-up shops. It soon goes (3DC) and then he accuses me of constantly asking him for more money. He’s the earner and I've no idea what he does with money as I’ve never seen his statements. I don’t even know how much he earns.

Sorry to hijack your thread OP, no good advice, but I know it feels humiliating Sad

HildaZelda · 19/12/2018 14:24

You're married so technically it should all be joint anyway

@Shoxfordian, why on earth 'should' all money be joint just because you're married. This is something that's constantly said on here, or that awful expression "But all money is family money anyway". Is nobody allowed any independence anymore?

To be honest, I think the last thing the OP needs is a joint account because it sounds as though her DH could clear it out anytime the mood took him.

Scottishgirl85 · 19/12/2018 14:26

I'm shocked you're married to someone and have a child together and yet have no idea about his finances. This isn't normal OP. And get him helping out with his child and around the house. I really struggle to understand why women put up with these sorts of men!

Missingstreetlife · 19/12/2018 14:27

Who pays for food, kids clothes etc? I hope you claim child benefit and anything else you are entitled to
I wouldn't say you are well off, in fact you are managing well on modest incomes. Does he drink, smoke or have an expensive hobby?

BigChocFrenzy · 19/12/2018 14:27

Controlling over money is a red flag

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 19/12/2018 14:27

I've read a lot of these threads and I can't remember a single one where the real issue didn't turn out to be that the husband was an arsehole but the wife didn't want to face up to that.

Laziness and being controlling over money are two huge things. Just one would be a dealbreaker for a lot of people.

KatharinaRosalie · 19/12/2018 14:27

If he wasn't lazy and wasn't controlling over money

Those are massive issues though. He does not share the workload, he does not want to spend time with your child and he does not want to share they money he is able to earn because you do everything at home.

caringcarer · 19/12/2018 14:30

He does sound controlling. I would tell him you are going to save the money from DVD's until you decide how to spend it. Next he will be demanding your voucher from your uncle fro himself. My dh and I both have our own bank accounts where our own money goes into but we each pay £1k into joint account each month to cover mortgage and joint bills. My 2 adult dc also pay £400 each into this account for their contributions. We all still have our own bank accounts so we can buy gifts or treat ourselves etc. It does work well, we have had no issues at all. I think it really odd you do not know how much each other earns. How can you be sure you are paying a fair amount each?

buttybuttychristmastree · 19/12/2018 14:31

To be honest if I was gifted £50 at Christmas I'd share it with dp- Blush

Bluntness100 · 19/12/2018 14:31

Well this isn't something you see every day, he's stealing from you.

It's your money, if he refuses to hand it over explain as a pp said you will sell something of his to the same value.

And your situation is abnormal, him not wishing you to know how much he has, and to take your money off you is shitty behaviour. And it is indeed him who is the money grabber.

Mayrhofen · 19/12/2018 14:31

He has effectively stolen them from you.

Oliversmumsarmy · 19/12/2018 14:34

"You called me a money grabber when I suggested joint finances. I bought all those DVDs with my money from my account. The money from selling them is mine. Or are you now a money grabber? You wanted separate finances; this is separate finances. The money from my uncle is mine. The money from my DVDs is mine

This x 1000

If he wasn't lazy and wasn't controlling over money, he would honestly be my perfect guy

Don’t for get thieving bd as well

Then he would be your perfect guy.

As an aside Netflix, Amazon and Now TV are probably cheaper than buying a dvd

headinhands · 19/12/2018 14:34

Hmm. That does seem odd. It sounds like you need to chat about finances and how you feel it makes you feel like you're not a couple.

I would add to that thought that gifts are gifts and it's for you to pool it rather than him to ask although £50 is too small an amount to be relevant. A relative once gifted me £2000 and it was just a given that it was pooled but over time most stuff goes in and out of our joint account. We do have separate accs but they're not used routinely.

chuffnstuff · 19/12/2018 14:34

My ex was like this......

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