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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think DH is really controlling with money

135 replies

FishFingersAndCustard11 · 19/12/2018 13:35

Me and DH like having a movie night in on a Sunday. Dd goes to bed at 7pm so we're usually able to watch about 2 movies with some popcorn as some nice alone time. We have sky but their prices for dvds are more expensive then actually buying the dvd from a shop. Over some time I built up quite a collection (all my dvds because I'm the only one that paid for them) and I said to DH I was considering selling them all because we hardly ever watch the same dvd again, unless it's on tv or we really liked it.

The next day DH went to CeX to sell the dvds. We got quite a bit for it and I said we could split the money in half. He then moaned about having to split the money because my uncle gave me £50 in a Christmas card and he thought it was unfair I was going to have more money than him Hmm

AIBU to think this is really jealous and controlling behaviour? He's actually refusing to give me the money. Its not like we're poor either. I don't even know what he has in his bank and I'm sure he doesn't know what's in mine, so how does he know I even have more than him??

I'm probably overreacting but I'm so annoyed at this!! I'm not even bothered about the money, if he really wanted the money he could of kept it but it's all this jealousy I'm sick of. I want to have a joint bank account, I don't even like this whole having to split the money etc, but he's so hell bent on having more money than me!

OP posts:
SushiMonster · 19/12/2018 15:18

I do part time work he does full time work (his hours vary but never under 30 hours a week). He never looks after dd, when I'm at work and he's not, fil has her because dh 'needs alone time'. I also do all the housework. He's on a lot more money than me but that isn't adjusted accordingly, I contribute almost as much as him to the household. Meaning he has a lot of spare money and I have barely a penny.

And you'e with him WHY???????????????

Hate all these posts from women with children with such horrible partners. Makes me so sad for you :-( Sad life.

WilburforceRaven · 19/12/2018 15:21

He's not controlling with money, he's a financially abusive cunt. Financial abuse is a form of domestic abuse. What he's doing is a crime. I really hope the scales start to fall from your eyes and you can get out of this abusive relationship.

Feb2018mumma · 19/12/2018 15:21

Sounds like my husband. His excuse is that we don't both need savings so we half everything even though he earns more than I do and he apparently puts money in savings. I recently found out I had £75 a month after bills and he had over £1500! Now we've had baby and I am cutting hours I insisted on a joint account, hasn't happened yet but he was being such a miser! My aunt sent me £20 for a 'nice bottle of wine' and when we went coop he said I should spent it on his beer and snacks! Why when these men have money in their account they want the little that we have is beyond me! Definitely fight for a joint account, it isn't healthy for him to be like this (written from someone in the same position)

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 19/12/2018 15:22

I'm sorry if my post sounds harsh Blush

It was meant to sound empowering for you, to make you see you're with better than this!

It may have come across as if I'm bashing you though which is the opposite of my intentions.

Sorry!

Eliza9917 · 19/12/2018 15:29

HouseworkIsASin10 Wed 19-Dec-18 14:07:02
How did you get as far as marrying him without noticing this trait?

I'd wonder how it got so far as having kids, I bet Op paid for practically everything for them too.

roundaboutthetown · 19/12/2018 15:33

He's a thief, as the dvds were yours and he has made a big thing of you two keeping separate finances; and if he doesn't want you to know about his finances, it's probably because he has a gambling habit, porn habit, sex addiction or mistress - or all of the above...

Merryoldgoat · 19/12/2018 15:34

@feb2018mumma

Why did you have a child with this man, let alone marry him? I’m genuinely asking?

You’ve insisted on a joint account but you don’t have one yet. You know how long it takes to set one up? 10 mins.

I hope you get one but I hope you see the light more.

XmasPostmanBos · 19/12/2018 15:37

You do all the housework as if you lived alone and have childcare for when you work as if you didn't have a partner but without the benefit of child/working benefits you would be entitled to but his salary (which you have no access to) has likely made you ineligible for and extra housework/cooking etc because he is there. With none of the freedom of being in a home on your own Because he sharing the house and is setting up arguments and rules, but not contributing money or housework or childcare to the household

This

justonemoreminutepls · 19/12/2018 15:38

i've always thought LTB comments were unhelpful or pointless or not the most realistic solution to the scenario but seriously...

LTB

you deserve better, your child deserves better...x

7yo7yo · 19/12/2018 15:42

In what way is he a good husband.
I’d tell him I’ll put it on social media to get opinions. Bet he soon shuts up.
He’s financially abusive and your uncle can see it so why can’t you?
Question is what are you going to do about it?

Eliza9917 · 19/12/2018 15:45

@FishFingersAndCustard11 Wed 19-Dec-18 14:17:02
Murinae
I know he's on £8.50 an hour and his hours vary a week. He never tells me how much he has, but if I really wanted to I guess I could sit down and figure it out. I'm on £7.83 an hour. He does full time i do part time so it's very obvious he's on more money than me, but no I don't know how much he gets at the end of the month.

At 37.5hrs per week he'll be taking home over £1200pm.

www.thesalarycalculator.co.uk/hourly.php

RomanyRoots · 19/12/2018 15:48

I thought the reason you married was to share finances, not his n hers you might as well just be cohabiting.
We share all money, no matter where it came from.

Satsumaeater · 19/12/2018 15:48

Get a joint account. Find out how much he earns. You pay in according to your means to meet the bills plus a little contingency. That is the fair solution

So eg if he earns £2000 a month and you earn £1000 and the bills are £1400 put £1500 in. He puts say £1000 in and you £500 in accordance with your incomes. Or you could adjust it so you both have the same amount left over. Whatever works. But it has to be transparent.

It's a lot more difficult now for women with financially abusive partners. At least in the days of bank books and statements there was some hope of being in when the post arrived and being able to see what the tightwod had in his account. But now with everything being online it's really hard. Same goes for electronic payslips.

ReanimatedSGB · 19/12/2018 15:51

But he is lazy, and he is financially abusive. Those are core features of his character. He fundamentally believes that he matters and you don't, because he has a penis and you don't. His behaviour is going to get progressively worse, not better.
How many of the following things are already features of your relationship?

  1. It's 'not worth' arguing over 'little things', because he sulks/shouts/calls you names. Life is just easier when you let him have his own way.
  2. Having sex is his decision; your viewpoint isn't really relevant.
  3. Things that belong to you get damaged a lot more often than things that belong to him; this increases when you have disobeyed your owner, or disagreed with him.
  4. Random little 'accidents' such as bumping into you, shutting a door so it traps your fingers, treading on your feet. Again, more often than not these happen when there has been a disagreement.

This prick is training you into absolute compliance. Was your father a bully, too, or were you just taught that a woman's priority in life is pleasing a man, and that being single is the wors thing that could happen?

WilburforceRaven · 19/12/2018 15:55

Why when these men have money in their account they want the little that we have is beyond me!

Why these women give the time of day to a stingy, financially abusive cock, much less marry them and procreate with them is entirely beyond me. Cutting your hours to enable this bastard is a very foolish mistake, but alas, you don't realise that what this man is doing is a crime. Financial abuse is domestic abuse and domestic abuse is a crime.

Soubriquet · 19/12/2018 15:58

He isn’t money controlling

He’s just general arse controlling and money is included at that

Learn your place woman. You must do everything and earn less than me as I am man Hmm

SilverySurfer · 19/12/2018 16:07

If he wasn't lazy and wasn't controlling over money, he would honestly be my perfect guy

Not forgetting thief.

What is he good at? Maybe he's a good shag? Personally that wouldn't be enough for me to put up with him being a lazy, controlling, thieving arsehole.

7yo7yo · 19/12/2018 16:32

Probably got a solid gold cock

7yo7yo · 19/12/2018 16:32

Chop it of and pawn it op, see how he feels.

INeedanInterestingUsername · 19/12/2018 16:48

He's taken your possessions, sold them and refuses to give you the money? And then calls you a 'money grabber'? He won't look after his own child whilst you're at work because 'he needs alone time'? He's jealous of you because your Uncle sent you £50 for Christmas? He's too lazy to do anything around the house? You are working part time plus doing all the house work and child rearing and don't have a spare penny because he wants to have more than you?

OP, you are getting my first LTB.

LuckyAmy1986 · 19/12/2018 16:51

Fuck that, that’s not a marriage.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 19/12/2018 16:56

Fucking hell op, he’s stolen from you.

He steals from you
Is financially abusive
Does no childcare
Does no housework

Op you need to set your bar far higher. Some catch he is Hmm

agedknees · 19/12/2018 17:05

Wait for him to get undressed and take the money he’s stolen from you out of his wallet.

Then LTB.

Original poster
FishFingersAndCustard11 · 19/12/2018 17:21

Thanks for everyone's responses. Sorry my reply, to say my dd has been hyper is an understatement 😅

I am going to seriously talk to him tonight and tell him to stop this behaviour or I will leave him. I mean it. I will tell him to hand the money back over for the dvds and I will speak to him about finances, reevaluate who should pay what and how much, so we're both left with spare money. If it doesn't go well then I will ltb.

I don't want my daughter to grow up thinking this behaviour is normal.

OP posts:
Mumofaprinny · 19/12/2018 17:29

Good for you OP! Sending you hugs and I hope it goes well. Feel free to update us all!🙂❤️

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