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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think DH is really controlling with money

135 replies

FishFingersAndCustard11 · 19/12/2018 13:35

Me and DH like having a movie night in on a Sunday. Dd goes to bed at 7pm so we're usually able to watch about 2 movies with some popcorn as some nice alone time. We have sky but their prices for dvds are more expensive then actually buying the dvd from a shop. Over some time I built up quite a collection (all my dvds because I'm the only one that paid for them) and I said to DH I was considering selling them all because we hardly ever watch the same dvd again, unless it's on tv or we really liked it.

The next day DH went to CeX to sell the dvds. We got quite a bit for it and I said we could split the money in half. He then moaned about having to split the money because my uncle gave me £50 in a Christmas card and he thought it was unfair I was going to have more money than him Hmm

AIBU to think this is really jealous and controlling behaviour? He's actually refusing to give me the money. Its not like we're poor either. I don't even know what he has in his bank and I'm sure he doesn't know what's in mine, so how does he know I even have more than him??

I'm probably overreacting but I'm so annoyed at this!! I'm not even bothered about the money, if he really wanted the money he could of kept it but it's all this jealousy I'm sick of. I want to have a joint bank account, I don't even like this whole having to split the money etc, but he's so hell bent on having more money than me!

OP posts:
AdamNichol · 19/12/2018 14:35

He has effectively stolen them from you.
^^This

Isolated, this doesn't smack of control so much, as just being a dickhead who got jealous because you had a bit of disposable and he didn't.
That jealousy is a pretty worrying trait though; as is the ease with which he has made you compensate him. Red flag.

LoniceraJaponica · 19/12/2018 14:36

“I don't even know what he has in his bank and I'm sure he doesn't know what's in mine,”

And you are married to him? This is weird. How do you deal with household bills and large purchases?

“He never looks after dd, when I'm at work and he's not, fil has her because dh 'needs alone time'. I also do all the housework. He's on a lot more money than me but that isn't adjusted accordingly, I contribute almost as much as him to the household. Meaning he has a lot of spare money and I have barely a penny.”

And what redeeming features does he have? He sounds like a selfish, controlling, lazy arsehole.

“My uncle doesn't really get along with DH, and he said he gave me that much money because he knew money was hard for me”

It isn’t exactly a surprise that your uncle doesn’t like your husband. He clearly has the measure of him. Your uncle sounds lovely and caring BTW. If anyone else gives you money for Christmas I would not tell him, and start a savings account for your running away money.

CottonTailRabbit · 19/12/2018 14:37

He sold your DVDs and pocketed the money!

Cheeky cheeky bastard.

What can you sell of his?

Merryoldgoat · 19/12/2018 14:38

If he wasn't lazy and wasn't controlling over money, he would honestly be my perfect guy!

Well, yeah. I mean, if I wasn’t fat, I’d be slim.

He IS those things therefore he’s not a perfect guy.

Until [women] start knowing their worth and not accepting this shitty treatment we’ll always be marginalised in relationships and reduced to having zero financial freedom.

Someone will tell me I’m victim blaming soon, but if we stopped allowing this from day 1 and stopped making excuses and realised being alone is better than being treated like a factotum we’ll never have equal and fulfilling relationships.

hellojason · 19/12/2018 14:39

Your financial arrangements are a bit convoluted but I'm guessing they favour him. A joint account for shared expenses that you both pay into equally (or proportionately according to income?) would make sense but keep your own personal account for other stuff - including things like what your uncle gifts you. That's not his business. Nor is what you might get from selling something you bought with your own money. Why hasn't he bought any DVD's if he likes watching them on 'movie night'?

The problem here is he sees them as joint property that you've both enjoyed and he feels he has a stake in the DVD's even though you actually bought them. I can hear him saying "What's yours is mine and what's mine is mine!"

BettyOcean · 19/12/2018 14:39

I cannot believe the shit I read on here sometimes, just when you think you've read about all the cunty things some men do, along comes another one.

OP, in essence, he stole your property and flogged it.

Put your big girl pants on and demand he give you back "YOUR MONEY".

If it were me, there would be an " or get the fuck out of my house" tacked on the end also.

olivertwistwantsmore · 19/12/2018 14:39

If he wasn't lazy and wasn't controlling over money, he would honestly be my perfect guy!

If he looked after your child? If he trusted you? If he put in a faction of the effort that you do?

OP, your bar is set pretty low. These are HUGE issues. He cares far more about himself than he does about you.

What a lazy useless twat. OP, your dvd money is the least of your worries.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 19/12/2018 14:39

He never looks after dd, when I'm at work and he's not

Surprise surprise. I bet there are other traits he has which is common to selfish wankers.

why on earth 'should' all money be joint just because you're married

If a married couple gets divorced, their money is joint money, including savings and pensions, that's why.

Jimjamjong · 19/12/2018 14:41

YANBU, he should give you all of the money, no discussion needed. He is stealing from you and shouldn't charge you for selling the DVDs (you don't charge him for cooking, cleaning or childcare).

G5000 · 19/12/2018 14:41

He really has it cushy, doesn't he?
Free childcare, housework done, he's free to work the hours he want and only has to pay half the bills, not proportionally to income. Brilliant. And he also wants the money for YOUR stuff he has sold?

caringcarer · 19/12/2018 14:43

I just read the extra you said FishFingers. You are worth so much more than you are getting. Your Uncle sees it and so should you. Most partners are exactly that, partners, who treat each other with respect and care about each other. My dh earns more than me we both pay same amount in to joint account because I insist, but he tells me to use the joint account money to pay when I have meal with friends or buy a gift for someone, get my hair cut and whatever else I want really whereas he will only ever use his own account and he pays for all of our holidays and buys me generous gifts. I can only hope either your dp improves or you trade up to a better one who shows you more respect and consideration. It sounds as if your fil is a better parent than your dp.

Grilledaubergines · 19/12/2018 14:43

I wouldn’t say he sounds controlling at all. He’s just behaving like a spoiled child. Actually, that’s probably an insult to most children.

ChristmasRaven · 19/12/2018 14:44

I always feel quite sad reading these types of threads. Your DH wants all the money to himself and is happy for you and your joint child to manage on crumbs. His own daughter, and he doesn't even care if he leaves you short. And I bet you're the one who buys everything for her too. Even your uncle has picked up on it. You need to know one thing, this behaviour (along with the laziness) will grind you down in the end. You will get more and more depressed about it, and feel ever more hopeless. Is this the type of relationship you want to model to your DD? Would you want her to be with a man like her father? Think about if you want to live like this for the next 40/50 years.

Wooooooooaaaaaaaahhhhhhh · 19/12/2018 14:46

You need to set your bar higher. A lot higher.

Avrannakern · 19/12/2018 14:49

It's just awful when you read this and knows that the OP won't do anything about it. They won't leave. The won't assert themselves. And thousands of woman are living like this and just accepting it.
It shouldn't be like this.

OP please leave. Your child cannot grow up thinking this is normal. Please.

katseyes7 · 19/12/2018 14:51

My ex husband pulled a stunt like this just before we split up. He wanted a motorbike (he already had 3!). He asked if could buy one using a credit card cheque. The credit card was in my name as l earned more than him. l said no. He bullied me into it (he was abusive), and said he'd pay me back at £5 a month. The bike was £2500!
So when we were splitting up, we had to get a joint bank loan to pay off our mutual debts, and l said l wanted property from the house to the equivalent value of the motorbike. The result was that his family thought l was money grabbing, and he'd got the shitty end of the deal. Even though l worked shifts, earned a lot more than him and because of that we had a nice detached house and a new car each. (He could have earned a lot more if he'd bothered, but he never did)
We agreed to split up in October. That Christmas when l was working, he said that l could "keep my bank holiday money because l'd worked for it." The irony that l'd worked shifts, weekends and bank holidays for years seemed to pass him by. When he moved in with me, he had one motorbike, two pairs of jeans, two pairs of boots, a handful of t-shirts and jumpers, and some books. Nothing else. When
lf someone's given you money as a gift, that's yours. Especially when he's as petty as this. l'd be inclined to do what one of the previous posters has said - suggest selling something of his and sharing the money. That'll tell you what his priorities are.

Therealjudgejudy · 19/12/2018 14:52

What @Bettyocean said 100%.

Get some self respect op and get YOUR money from your thief of a husband.

AllTakenSoRubbishUsername · 19/12/2018 14:53

What a twat.

BrendasUmbrella · 19/12/2018 14:56

He's a scumbag. Earns more than you but expects you to split the bills 50/50, gets jealous that a relative sent you £50, does nothing with the house or children, and steals money from you.

This is one of those cases where it seems a dead cert that filing a certain set of papers will make your life much happier...

Ellisandra · 19/12/2018 14:57

This must all be very hard to read, OP.

It’s bad enough that he has more disposable income than you, but to actually take your DVDs, sell them, and pocket half the cash is nothing less than theft. It’s disgusting.

Would he walk into a mate’s house and take their DVDs to CEX? No.

Avrannakern · 19/12/2018 14:59

He stole all the money. OP said he's refusing to give her the money. He didn't steal half. He stole it all.

You need to get all of that money. Then you spend Xmas getting yourself sorted out and then you leave.

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 19/12/2018 14:59

Ffs! You are basically a single parent with half the money and none of the freedom or control!

You do all the housework as if you lived alone and have childcare for when you work as if you didn't have a partner but without the benefit of child/working benefits you would be entitled to but his salary (which you have no access to) has likely made you ineligible for and extra housework/cooking etc because he is there. With none of the freedom of being in a home on your own Because he sharing the house and is setting up arguments and rules, but not contributing money or housework or childcare to the household.

Why are you putting up with all the responsibilities and none of the freedoms? Just so you can share a life with a man who doesn't sound like he cares at all for you!
It would be easier alone than be with a man who treats you so badly.

Your worth better than this!

KatharinaRosalie · 19/12/2018 15:07

he thought it was unfair I was going to have more money than him
He does full time i do part time so it's very obvious he's on more money than me

So how did you react when you pointed this unfairness out?

storm11111 · 19/12/2018 15:15

if my partner accused me of being a 'money grabber' oh my goodness he'd be out on his arse. I'd be like 'if that's the way you feel then you can keep all your money, i hope you enjoy it by yourself'.

Stand up for yourself OP don't be afraid to say i'm not happy and this is not fair or right.

Arnoldthecat · 19/12/2018 15:15

I am a man who is...errr...prudent with money but that sounds just mean spirited.

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