To think DH is really controlling with money

[FishFingersAndCustard11]

Me and DH like having a movie night in on a Sunday. Dd goes to bed at 7pm so we're usually able to watch about 2 movies with some popcorn as some nice alone time. We have sky but their prices for dvds are more expensive then actually buying the dvd from a shop. Over some time I built up quite a collection (all my dvds because I'm the only one that paid for them) and I said to DH I was considering selling them all because we hardly ever watch the same dvd again, unless it's on tv or we really liked it.

The next day DH went to CeX to sell the dvds. We got quite a bit for it and I said we could split the money in half. He then moaned about having to split the money because my uncle gave me £50 in a Christmas card and he thought it was unfair I was going to have more money than him

AIBU to think this is really jealous and controlling behaviour? He's actually refusing to give me the money. Its not like we're poor either. I don't even know what he has in his bank and I'm sure he doesn't know what's in mine, so how does he know I even have more than him??

I'm probably overreacting but I'm so annoyed at this!! I'm not even bothered about the money, if he really wanted the money he could of kept it but it's all this jealousy I'm sick of. I want to have a joint bank account, I don't even like this whole having to split the money etc, but he's so hell bent on having more money than me!

Wow, well done op. Seriously. It would have been hard to listen to all that. Good luck.

Well done OP

Please mean it. He's abusive, OP, what he is doing is abuse.

Good luck op.

If he wasn't lazy and wasn't controlling over money, he would honestly be my perfect guy!
But he is lazy and controlling, so is very far from being your perfect guy. I hope you remember this when you talk to him.

I really hope it works out for you fishfingers.

I know it's overwhelming to hear lots of people shouting ltb and I hope it doesn't come to that but sometimes once you've tried everything to make it work that's the only (healthy) choice your left with.

All I mean is don't look back in 20 or 30 years and regret all those wasted years knowing life could have been so much happier if only you had stoop up for your basic rights but didn't because it felt too hard.

There's nothing worse than being alone in a (supposed) partnership

He sounds very similar to my ex-H, who was also controlling about housework standards and emotionally abusive. When we were together, he would always say he was broke and couldn't afford anything. Usually he would blame my spending but everything I had went on childcare, the kids, food and bills. One memorable day I had to go to a food bank because he had money in his account but wouldn't give me any.

After we split, I moved out and redirected my and the children's post but he was still in the family home for a while. Sometimes some of his post got redirected to me in error. One day I accidentally opened a bank statement for him as the name was covered by the redirection sticker and we were with the same bank so I assumed it was mine. He had several thousand in there despite his cries of being broke. I've never believed a word he says about money since.

So yes he is being controlling and I doubt it is only in finances

"If he wasn't lazy and wasn't controlling over money, he would honestly be my perfect guy!"

Anyone would be perfect if you took away their personality flaws

BUT he IS lazy, and he has stolen and sold YOUR stuff and refused to give you the proceeds - which are yours.

He sounds a loooong way from anyone's perfect man.

Don’t like the idea that you should share but he doesn’t!!! Financially controlling someone is never a good thing. If he won’t speak about money chances is he has a lot more than he lets on. I would lamp someone if they called me a money grabber!

He’s sounds like a spoilt child !
And as for the joint account thing surely that’s not even relevant to the OP.
He’s a just a douche

Good idea to tackle him about it.We just shared all money in only joint accounts (and I earned 10x my husband by the way after 15 years of marriage - I always worked full time).

We also shared house cleaning and childcare too . It sounds like you have a very unusual nasty and sexist man there. I would get back to full time work and make him sort out childcare! Many many men arrange and pay for childcare.

Wishing you luck... sadly I feel you may need it. What a sorry excuse for a man

Don't get too hung up on the dvd money though, you have way bigger problems.

OP, I do hope you find the strength to do better for yourself and dd and leave this abusive waste of space. The DVD money is the least of your problems but at least it has brought you on mn and hopefully opened your eyes.

You might want to research and start/read some of the very usual threads on mn on staging an exit, including speaking to a divorce lawyer. This will take time. I think it best to get your ducks in a row (whatever you decide) before tipping him off and he starts to hide all his bank accounts and assets.

I assume you are both legally married. Your dh will know that divorce is bad news to him financially considering how much he has managed to get out of paying for his family to date, so expect him to fight this, dirty if necessary. It is better if you have the upper hand of planning.

Why should you work considerably more (paid work plus housework and childcare to benefit you both) than him and have far less money? Why? Is he somehow better than you and entitled to more money plus more rest and free time? He's not obviously.

The DVD money should be all yours btw

Hope the talk webt well and he's given you your dosh!

It's simple, if the money to pay for the dvd's came out of your personal spends then it comes back to you.

As for his wages, using the salary calculator he's taking home monthly (if working 37.5 hrs pw) £1,220.99.
So per week that's £281.77
www.thesalarycalculator.co.uk/hourly.php

It might be a better idea to pay towards bills proportionately according to your income.
You might find that you end up having a bit more personal spending/saving money when costs are split a lot more fairly.

It is financial abuse to hide earnings from a spouse and grounds for divorce. I found this out during my divorce. My exh earnings were hidden from me and he controlled everything. My exh also did nothing around the house or regards child care, ever.
Getting divorced was the best thing I ever did. Huge relief.

He sounds greedy, insecure and immature 'you've got more than me!. No shan't do childcare/housework! Waaaahhhhh...' stamps foot

OP - what ARE you doing with this manchild?

Good luck op. You shouldn't be I be this position.

My husband and I have always put all money together and then been given equal spends. I have always earnt more than him but I wouldn't dream of him having less than me. That would just be unfair. We are a partnership.

Dh has always earned more money than me since we moved in together over 20 years ago after we graduated from uni.

Our contributions were such that we both had the same amount of disposable income. We shared housework, cooking, shopping etc.

Fast forward, when we had Ds1 I worked part time and we just put everything into the joint account, I needed more clothing due to my every changing body, he never begrudged any of it, came with me to help carry the bags.

Now I am a SAHM with access to all accounts, and I can spend what I like when I like because I am not a child. I do not have to justify any spending. Every year we sit down and look at what we spent and where we spent it (credit card so easy to track with the shops listed.)

He loves spending time with the children, I have often gone away for weekends when the children were both preschool age and not had to leave any instructions because he was involved in the day to day caring for them and so knew what to do.

My SIL had a very uneven relationship like yours, she had no money left and her partner had lots. They split up over it but then she begged him to come back. I have no idea what their arrangement is now but I can pretty much guarantee that it still isn't fair to her.

I hope your conversation with him went well. How anyone could watch their loved one suffer financially is beyond me and cruel. Selfish behaviour. Where is your free time? I bet you get none.

He's controlling with money
He is a crap father
Doesn't contribute to the housework
Sounds like a keeper. Honestly OP you deserve better

Glad to see your last update OP because

If he wasn't lazy and wasn't controlling over money, he would honestly be my perfect guy!

^ this is just awful.

These are 2 critical aspects of a relationship , living together and equality in a partnership.

'if he didn't treat me like a skivvy and fuck me over with money, he would be Mr Wonderful'

PositiveVibez' last sentence has put your relationship in a nutshell. Please take note. If he didn't treat me like a skivvy and fuck me over with money, he would be Mr Wonderful oh yes.