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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be left out of a boyfriends Christmas event

343 replies

Leftbehind40 · 19/12/2018 10:35

Just that! Boyfriend of six months .. see him once or twice a week as we live half hour away from eachother. Stay over now and again. See him when suits him really as he has busy life but me, not so much. Anyway , he had big gathering of friends .. an annual tradition , at the weekend . All friends and their girlfriends there.. but not me ! I thought it may be a good occasion for me to be introduced to them and get to know them but alas, I was home alone . He said it because it was an hour away and they were staying
Overnight ... but I could have driven separately and would have loved to have gone to meet them. I am beginning to think I am
Not a priority. I was at home alone again over the weekend with nothing to do or nobody to meet while he was with his family, literally ten minutes down the road. He needs a lot of space clearly . We did spend a nice evening late last week( last minute atrangementby him) and he stayed overnight but left straight after breakfast. AIBU???

OP posts:
RagingWhoreBag · 20/12/2018 19:38

I’m glad you’re seeing him for what he is Left. You deserve someone who makes you central to their life. 6 months is long enough to know if you’re into someone or not. You need to feel that you are in an equal and balanced relationship and this ain’t it.

I know how you feel, I am by far the clingier out of me and my DP, I have a very small family and circle of friends. He is the centre of my world and although I’m within his inner circle, it feels like I’m one of many and that hurts.

Even though I know he feels stretched and pulled in different directions and does what he can to make time for everyone, it’s only just enough for me, as my world is much quieter and less interesting when he’s not around.

Like you, the answer lies within me, to broaden my own horizons, not chase after him. But it’s easier said than done. Someone’s suggestion of an evening job is a good one. Bar work or something sociable might be an ideal way to get out more, earn money and increase your confidence. Could that be an option? Otherwise maybe a book club, craft group or something else free, where you can get together with some like minded people for a chat and a drink.

user1471590586 · 20/12/2018 20:08

Think you should text him to wish him a Happy Christmas and say that the relationship isn't working for you so it's best to call it a day.

Original poster
Leftbehind40 · 20/12/2018 20:14

Raging my situation sounds quite like yours . Stretched and pulled trying to fit everyone in but the bottom line is that I am not priority either I am one of a few who he sees in the week . That’s just not enough for me though, not at my age when I want to get married and have children and despite him him being in his early thirties , he still wants to hang off his family and best friends like a limpet . I’m done . Thanks for your reply

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Original poster
Leftbehind40 · 20/12/2018 20:22

Raging, can I ask what his plans are for both of you for the holidays please

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OldGrinch · 20/12/2018 20:25

I was in a situation just like yours when I was the same age as you OP, I knew that the guy didn't have strong feelings for me and never would, it went on 2 years and it gradually made me more and more miserable. I finally managed to end it . Like you I didn't have much cash, or many friends and wasn't very close to my family. I got an evening bar job to keep me busy in a nightclub! Made lots of new friends and was too busy to brood. The following year met the lovely man who am still with 20 years later. You know what you need to do. Don't live a half life or be anyone's second choice.

Original poster
Leftbehind40 · 20/12/2018 20:28

Thanks. I’m fucking miserable tonight.. sorry for the french ! He is out , out, out partying and I was here wrapping his fucking presents . Feel like throwing them into the fire .

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loveyoutothemoon · 20/12/2018 20:31

You shouldn't be so miserable, you should be happy. Start afresh, you'll be so much happier!

whymewhyme · 20/12/2018 20:37

Bless you, it will be hard but sooo worth it in the long run. When are you planning on binning him off?

OldGrinch · 20/12/2018 20:42

For the holidays I would usually do some extra shifts at my part time job. Good way to make some extra cash and I made friends. Eventually with the support of the man who became my OH I managed to go back to uni to retrain for a new career that I enjoyed. The reason these men treat women like this is because they pick up on women that will put up with it. I was lonely and didn't have a lot in my life that gave me interest and stimulation, I didn't have the support of a close family or the challenge of an interesting job, so I was vulnerable to being used by a man that had all the things I didn't, he had the family friends and money. I thought I loved him as well but it wasn't really love, love is having an equal relationship with someone that cares about you. The feelings that you have for your boyfriend that treats you so shabbily are a projection of your need to find a more meaningful life for yourself with things that will make you happy. Please get away from this man and start building a better future.

Original poster
Leftbehind40 · 20/12/2018 20:47

I agree . He knows I have a horrid family situation, very few friends, horrible history with shitty men so of course, I am completely available to him and fawning over the crumbs . Gonna see him on Tuesday so will end it all then. My Christmas simply won’t be any lonelier without him at least . Might swipe the smug smile off his face

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Original poster
Leftbehind40 · 20/12/2018 20:48

Monday I mean.. the famous Christmas Eve hour

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whatamidoingwithmylife · 20/12/2018 20:49

@OldGrinch

The feelings that you have for your boyfriend that treats you so shabbily are a projection of your need to find a more meaningful life for yourself with things that will make you happy.

This is great advice and I wish someone had told me this while I was wasting time on my exes.

thecatsleftpaw · 20/12/2018 20:50

Why don't you just ask him what's going on?

I

OldGrinch · 20/12/2018 20:54

Why not just do it now? The way I did it was by text and the I immediately deleted his number off my phone, it was the only way I knew was going to be able to go through with it.

ferntwist · 20/12/2018 20:58

OP I’ve been following your thread from the start - you sound lovely - so glad you’re taking your life back. You will meet someone who’s longing to be with you and it will feel so right. Goodbye to this punishment and getting his scraps!

Original poster
Leftbehind40 · 20/12/2018 20:59

I have been dumped by text, blocked, ghosted ... all horrible ways of being rejected and as much of a twat that he is , I would prefer to do this face to face. Also, I know that he is so bloody obsessed with his BIG FAMILY CHRISTMAS .. that a text would hardly register . He doesn’t really respect boundaries

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fetchmemyparasol · 20/12/2018 21:00

Ask him to take you out for New Years eve surely you should be going out with your boyfriend on that night. if not then definitely bin him.

ferntwist · 20/12/2018 21:00

Still can’t believe he’s offered you a whole precious hour of his Christmas Eve!! Love what you say about wiping the smile off his face.

OldGrinch · 20/12/2018 21:06

Just imagine that smug smile being wiped off his face. He will panicking as he will be left without a shag over the holidays Grin

Original poster
Leftbehind40 · 20/12/2018 21:06

He’s sitting in with his family on New Year’s Eve as his siblings are flying back a few days later . Although he is going out with his siblings on New Year’s Day to watch the football . That’s when I got right back in... he’ll meet me after those days.. when they are gone back. Can’t believe I’m even writing this. It would be funny if it wasn’t so pathetic or me being so pathetic

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Original poster
Leftbehind40 · 20/12/2018 21:06

Fit back in

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Original poster
Leftbehind40 · 20/12/2018 21:07

God I love mumsnet! It’s been one of the high points of this year... finding all of you and empowering me . Thanks ever so much

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fetchmemyparasol · 20/12/2018 21:08

You are not pathetic , he is.

OldGrinch · 20/12/2018 21:13

See it as him doing you a favour, his horrible behaviour will give you the impetus you need to get rid of him Let this be the last crap relationship

woolduvet · 20/12/2018 21:18

Is he picking you up and dropping you back on Christmas Eve.
You aren't going to his house are you, go to a pub and end it there.

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