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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be left out of a boyfriends Christmas event

343 replies

Leftbehind40 · 19/12/2018 10:35

Just that! Boyfriend of six months .. see him once or twice a week as we live half hour away from eachother. Stay over now and again. See him when suits him really as he has busy life but me, not so much. Anyway , he had big gathering of friends .. an annual tradition , at the weekend . All friends and their girlfriends there.. but not me ! I thought it may be a good occasion for me to be introduced to them and get to know them but alas, I was home alone . He said it because it was an hour away and they were staying
Overnight ... but I could have driven separately and would have loved to have gone to meet them. I am beginning to think I am
Not a priority. I was at home alone again over the weekend with nothing to do or nobody to meet while he was with his family, literally ten minutes down the road. He needs a lot of space clearly . We did spend a nice evening late last week( last minute atrangementby him) and he stayed overnight but left straight after breakfast. AIBU???

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 20/12/2018 14:37

She sees him for an hour Christmas Eve

BumbleBeee69 · 20/12/2018 14:38

I’m betting it’s for his benefit, ie him collecting his super extravagant gift from OP.

Cath2907 · 20/12/2018 14:39

He is just not that into you! Find someone who is!

Italiangreyhound · 20/12/2018 14:39

"She sees him for an hour Christmas Eve" Thanks BumbleBeee69 .

OP I am so sorry he sounds like a very selfish, insular man.

Sad
Panicwiththebisto · 20/12/2018 14:47

...collect him from his night out with friends = you are his taxi service...see for an hour on Christmas eve = he's dropping in briefly for a knee-trembler on his way to somewhere else.

I would make a New Years resolution to try and get involved in new social activities and ditch this user!

OliviaStabler · 20/12/2018 15:14

So you think that despite him bringing me away and to his family on Christmas Eve, he still isn’t serious?? I am so excited about it all and thought that it was a great sign of commitment !

It isn't a sign of commitment I'm afraid. One of my relative's house can be busy on Christmas Eve with friends family and neighbours popping in on their Christmas rounds. It isn't a significant visit.

A better question is what is he doing for the rest of Christmas Eve that you are not invited to especially knowing you would be alone?

Tighnabruaich · 20/12/2018 15:18

Have you posted on here before about this man? He doesn't want to have sex with you, and he rarely sees you?

Original poster
Leftbehind40 · 20/12/2018 15:36

On Christmas Eve he will be with his family . No I haven’t posted before and yes he does want to sleep with me but as we only stay overnight with eachother now and again, I know it’s not his priority . So dog his family are home from overseas so he says he wants to spend as much time with them as possible over the holiday . Yes he knows i am essentially on
Y own for most of the holiday

OP posts:
Chloe84 · 20/12/2018 15:47

Make a resolution that you won't be an option in this man's life in 2019 and find someone who treats you well

...to be left out of a boyfriends Christmas event
Chloe84 · 20/12/2018 15:58

I’m
Sore I will see him here and there

This is really bad! You deserve so much more than this.

You sound quite self-aware so I think it's his lack of availability that makes you cling to whatever crumbs he throws you. Leave him and get a whole cake!

Ohyesiam · 20/12/2018 16:00

I know I’m being pathetic but I’m
So in love with him. Yes I think he turns his phone off so I won’t be messaging him . I think I might be a bit too full on
The thing is op this situation is BOUND to make you clingy. If you like someone and they do something loving , your heart opens and you naturally want more. Then if they move away from you your heart goes into starving puppy mode. That’s why “ treat them mean to keep them keen” works.
When I’ve been with men who won’t avail themselves to me I get really clingy. But as soon as I’m
With someone who I can feel is into me and excited to see me and I’m not just an option, all that disappears. I feel strong and capable and loving and independent.
I’ve never managed to redress the balance in relationships ( though I’ve seen friends do it), I always have to walk away( limp away).
Op you are worth so much more than this. You deserve a man who will put you at the very centre of their life.
X

whatamidoingwithmylife · 20/12/2018 16:05

I sympathise as I had a similar experience with my ex. The fact he never introduced me to his friends in over a year made it very clear to me that he didn't want me fully in his life. You mentioned it was all on your boyfriend's terms and that's how I felt too.

I was far more interested in meeting my bf's friends than family as I know he's closer to them than family. Not only did he never extend the invite, but he spent Xmas and new year with them rather than me. I also have a lack of friends and family so am always alone at important times of the year - during arguments he started to rub it in that I have no friends which I found hurtful.

He told me that he had introduced his ex to his friends too soon and when their relationship ended, he felt stupid for bigging it up to his friends - yet we were together much longer than they were and I was the only one of his gf's he never introduced. I feel like he was ashamed of me.

I wouldn't necessarily say he doesn't feel things for you, maybe just that he doesn't think you're 'the one' so isn't ready to introduce you as a partner. I know my ex loved me, just maybe not as much as I expected or hoped for. I did find out that he was still in love with his ex from 5yrs before and those drunken Xmas and NYE nights were spent texting her telling her how much he still loves her and can't move on. Be wary of reasons like this why he isn't giving you what he should be.

sue51 · 20/12/2018 16:10

I can't imagine being with someone for 6 months and keeping them separate from my friends and family. This is not a healthy, equal relationship and is not making you happy. You deserve better.

Minniemountain · 20/12/2018 16:17

BIL treated a GF like this. Very occasionally he would invite her to minor family things to keep her happy. They had weekends away and days out as he didn't like doing that sort of thing alone. He cheated on her. We all felt sorry for her and relieved when he ended it.

No good will come of this OP. End it and find someone who loves you.

foodenvy · 20/12/2018 16:18

It doesn’t sound too good to be honest. Your instincts must be telling you that already? Enough for you to post on here. If you’re short of money and short of things to do maybe you could consider an evening/weekend job. It’ll be good for keeping you busy whilst meeting new people. The extra cash will be great too. Agree with all the other comments, you deserve better.

BottleOfJameson · 20/12/2018 16:20

Like PP I think he likes you for a regular shag and cuddle at his convenience but has no interest in properly incorperating you into his life long term. Cut him loose and focus your effort on building up your life with people who actually value you.

BlueJava · 20/12/2018 16:23

Sorry but I think he's using you, I'd bin him. Sorry OP! We met in the August, I'd met all his friends by Xmas party time and tbh 1 hour is not far away.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/12/2018 16:41

Your an option when there is nobody else! A girlfriend of convenience when it suits him. New Year, new start now. Sounds like he wants you for a good shag and nothing else! Onwards and upwards.

Plopchops · 20/12/2018 16:52

This really makes me sad because part of the excitement of a new relationship is that honeymoon period of wanting to see each other a lot and spending time together.

This is very much like my first relationship, I felt like a secret for a really long time brought out in public as and when he felt like it and I put up with it for 3 years before I realised that it was not a true relationship. I was 22 and knew that I was missing out on something.

It was only when I met my now DH that I realised how bad it had been. Was shocked that he texted me loads and came over with gifts and flowers and more importantly made time for me because he wanted to see me. I met all his friends and family in the first 6 months and I never once doubted how he felt about me.

You deserve this...you deserve waking up in the morning and knowing there will a message on your phone from him because he has been thinking about you.

I would personally have the conversation with him and let him know that even though it may be working for him it is not working for you. Either it will kick him up the butt and make him realise that he needs to be more invested or it will end and give you a chance to be happy with someone else.

I really do feel for you xx

Original poster
Leftbehind40 · 20/12/2018 18:33

I must agree with you all. He is so selfish ... telling me his timetable for the next week with all his family and friends and I am literally given an hour . I see his selfishness with his friends too.. if it doesn’t suit him or feed him in some way or another , he won’t engage in their plans . While he is at these events he more or less forgets I exist save for a random text or photo . I’m actually so incensed right now with thanks to your replies . He needs to go

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 20/12/2018 18:52

Just dump him by text and be done with it. That is all he deserves.

Rosalise · 20/12/2018 18:56

He's wasting your time I think.

While you're waiting around for him you're not living your life, not making new friends, not enjoying time with the friends you have and your family because it seems to me that they feel second best when you'd rather be with him (a man rationing out the time he spends with you to make himself more desirable).

If you stay with him, time will drift by and you'll also be missing the chance of meeting a new man who could turn out to be the love of your life, someone who wants you for who you are, who's proud of you and eager to include you in his life.

Be brave! Fortune favours the bold!

minionsrule · 20/12/2018 19:03

Be strong OP, we are all rooting for you.... a lot us have been where you are and came out the other side much happier Flowers

Silentlyhappy · 20/12/2018 19:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoyDora · 20/12/2018 19:11

Surely the first year of a relationship is when you can’t get enough of each other? Not throwing your partner the odd hour here and there?
He’s your priority, and you’re just an option to him. It’s so unequal that I don’t see how you can work out long term.