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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To try to stick to ds (14mo) naps over Christmas despite the MIL

171 replies

Jellybabie3 · 19/12/2018 06:55

So he doesnt have set routines but does have 2 naps a day and is a nightmare sleeper otherwise which makes him and me a grumpy mess. We are seeing the MIL on sunday who has told us to be there at set times, what time is food (it's only lunch) etc and its only 10min away so DS wont get a decent nap en route. Fat chance he will sleep there as hes not the type to just drop on the sofa and sleep and he has only been there once before so will not feel comfortable I expect (they insisit on coming here usually) She has had 2 children but cant see why saying 'he will be OK missing a nap' isn't an option when he will be an overtired mess going into christmas eve....aib selfish here and should suck it up

OP posts:
Original poster
Jellybabie3 · 19/12/2018 14:38

And yes DH is annoying about it but its his mum I guess.

Tbf I am nothing but polite to her and suck up all the comments (and get upset about then later) because its his mum. Weve been together nearly 2 decades but is only since weve been married and had DS shes been a nightmare

OP posts:
Cornishclio · 19/12/2018 14:41

My DGD2 has 2 naps too but on days we have her and DGD1 we just adjust times according to what we are doing. Sometimes she will go down at 12.30 for her afternoon nap but today it was 2pm. If we are out I either put her in the buggy or walk around with her and she will go to sleep in my arms. She is only 8 months though so appreciate a 14 month may not be happy to do that. I would aim to either get him to sleep late morning at home then mid afternoon in travel cot or buggy.

2ducks2ducklings · 19/12/2018 14:42

I understand that it's hard when a routine is disrupted however to don't agree that the host should have to fit in with nap time. Our son has to sleep/eat at different times if we have special plans. I refuse to be one of those parents who are always late because it was baby's nap or dinner time. If you are aware of the timings of the day beforehand it is up to you to plan around those times. I spent half an hour stood in the cold with 10 family members waiting for two others to arrive at an event we had planned months ago. We were there on time and they were late because they were giving their child her dinner. I had fed our baby half an hour earlier to accommodate so to me it's just selfishness and rude.
Obviously if a child has sn and routines are vital, this is completely different

Excited101 · 19/12/2018 14:44

Some children are more flexible than others. Do what you need to do to keep things as lovely for everyone as possible, not just for your MIL.

If that means popping the 10 mins home for his nap, walking around the block, taking a travel cot then do it. A baby doesn’t know it’s a ‘special occasion’ and it isn’t fair to expect them to behave differently than normal in honour of it.

Thesearmsofmine · 19/12/2018 15:36

So from your timings push his morning nap back a little to 9.30 for an hour and then he should fine until 2.30 after lunch. No need for a big drama.

sar302 · 19/12/2018 15:40

Just take a travel cot surely? This is a solvable problem. Get there. Set up the travel cot in a bedroom. Sit down to dinner. Oh dear, he's looking a bit tired. Nip up, pop him to bed, come back down and finish the dinner.

Nobody gets to interfere with my son's naps! She can jog on.

StoppinBy · 19/12/2018 22:42

Reading through your updating posts I am not sure if I am reading this right BUT I actually think there is more to it than meets the eye, feel free to correct me if I got the wrong end of the stick though

My MIL used to say we could put our daughter down fir naps at their house (even got a porta cot from someone to do just this) BUT my FIL made me feel so judged about things like getting my baby to sleep that I just couldn't ever do it as the idea of it stressed me out knowing that if she didn't go to sleep that there was no way I would just leave her scream to sleep then I would have to deal with two things
A/ FIL making rude comments about how if babies are just left to scream they will eventually go to sleep (and insinuations that I was a bad Mum)
B/ FIL making rude comments about how grumpy she was and how if I parented better that she wouldn't be such a bad tempered/naughty baby.

Feeling that judgment (which for me it was all aimed at me, not my hubby and it took a very long time of us arguing for hubby to get that and how it affected me)from people who are not your blood family is very hard and if that's the case I totally understand why the idea of having to take your child there with the uncertainty of his naps/mood would be something you would wish to avoid too.

Seeing as you live so close could your hubby go to the lunch and then come and pick you up after your child wakes up. Surely the visit is more important than attending the lunch?

StoppinBy · 19/12/2018 22:44

Also, I too had a great relationship with my inlaws until we had kids and all the judgey comments started being slung at me.

My eldest is now almost 6 and with a lot of communication it is starting to get back to normal (almost) so there is hope Wink

Osirus · 19/12/2018 23:36

I agree with you OP.

My toddler has almost stopped napping in the day now but in the recent past when MIL/BIL has organised family dinners I’ve declined to attend if it clashed with nap time. They usually changed the time!

I think people forget what it is like when naps are interfered with. It can cause havoc for the rest of the day, night and following day.

I don’t see why she can’t change the time to work for you, but I would take him for a walk in his buggy at around the usual time and hopefully he’ll go off.

Good luck.

OlennasWimple · 20/12/2018 00:00

Play it by ear - maybe he will be awake and happy over the meal time.

If he needs to nap, agree with your DH in advance what you are going to do. For example, you will take DS for a walk in the buggy to get him to drop off and then try to come back in the house. DH will plate up a meal for you and for DS to eat when you are back and able to eat.

Don't rise to any attempt to make a drama out of it

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 20/12/2018 08:02

osirus I don't think people necessarily forget but some people either have higher tolerance levels or are just willing to put up with a bit of distruption for a day or so..... especially at Christmas when routines tend to go out of the window anyway. Sometimes a more relaxed approach is less stressful for everyone.

Fowles94 · 21/12/2018 17:42

Your issue is with your mil, grow up and suck it up. She won't always be around and let her enjoy her grandson.

nomorearsingmermaids · 21/12/2018 17:50

Everyone in my family banged on and on about how DS would be fine missing a nap, I was being too OTT etc etc.

So I said nothing and let them do whatever they wanted, his routine was totally messed up and as a consequence he was an absolute nightmare all day.

Job done, now they know when I say "he needs his nap" it's not because I'm being PFB, it's because if he doesn't get one then no one has a good day.

People don't seem to realise some children are very flexible and some children are not.

JustABetterPlayer · 21/12/2018 17:54

You sound a terrible guest, is the truth that you just don’t like her and this is a good opportunity to moan? Hmm

Catsinthecupboard · 21/12/2018 18:06

My dm called it "being fussy" and if a dgc became that way bc of overtiredness, o was given a free pass to go cuddle and rest until they settled down to a nap.

My mil doted on our dc and if it became evident that "fussiness" was about to descend i was happily excused to a quiet part of the house.

Every mother knows the signs of overtired babies. I bet once she's visually reminded you'll be excused home or otherwise.

Btw. My mil passed away in October. She hated me but loved dgc. I made up my mind that as long as she didn't hurt my relationship with them, .the more people who loved them, the better. I don't regret it that i made that choice. My dc loved her dearly and I am happy to have given them that gift.

Remember: 1st bsby everything is monumental by 2nd or 3rd, things are less dramatic. Enjoy this time.

RB68 · 21/12/2018 18:10

Set off early and go the long way so he will sleep in car - then when next one due you leave and get home for nap 2

MissClareRemembers · 21/12/2018 18:19

Sounds like you can’t win either way OP. If it were me, I think I’d probably mysteriously come down with a horrible cold on the day, stay at home and leave DH and MIL to deal with it all. Oh, and still be ill on Christmas Eve.

Missingstreetlife · 21/12/2018 18:38

How long are you staying. It sounds like she doesn't see him much or for long and wants him awake. Reasonable if you are only there a couple or few hours, try to work the nap round the outing.
If you are there several hours, all day then she is unrealistic and will have to lump it.
Hope it goes ok

Ated · 21/12/2018 18:44

My Mum would always give me Guinness to drink and apparently I was a blissfully sleepy baby.

Mikklehaha · 21/12/2018 18:44

Travel cots are cheap ( plenty second hand on sale), just find a quiet spot and let the child sleep around the normal time, what’s the issue here?

Claudia1980 · 21/12/2018 18:47

It’s one day!! He will be fine without a sleep, or a shorter sleep or put him down earlier. Loosen up.

Chocolateandcarbs · 21/12/2018 18:49

I have a similar child. I can usually bring forward the nap time if I pop her in the car, it’s a pain, but could be an option.

ShitBot · 21/12/2018 19:00

After three kids that were poor sleepers I feel for you. If my toddler misses a nap it messes up the rest of the day and he's even more of a nightmare in the evening.

They don't sound like particularly nice people so I'd take the pram and use it as an excuse to get away from them for an hour or so while he napped.

Bringbackthestrioes · 21/12/2018 19:15

Catsinthecupboard -“the more people that loved them the better.”
More people (myself included) should think like this.

Emoconn · 21/12/2018 19:48

Hate when people think a child can miss a nap. It’s not fair on the child or on you!!