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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To try to stick to ds (14mo) naps over Christmas despite the MIL

171 replies

Jellybabie3 · 19/12/2018 06:55

So he doesnt have set routines but does have 2 naps a day and is a nightmare sleeper otherwise which makes him and me a grumpy mess. We are seeing the MIL on sunday who has told us to be there at set times, what time is food (it's only lunch) etc and its only 10min away so DS wont get a decent nap en route. Fat chance he will sleep there as hes not the type to just drop on the sofa and sleep and he has only been there once before so will not feel comfortable I expect (they insisit on coming here usually) She has had 2 children but cant see why saying 'he will be OK missing a nap' isn't an option when he will be an overtired mess going into christmas eve....aib selfish here and should suck it up

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BlaaBlaaBlaa · 19/12/2018 10:48

What greatduck said. It really doesn't have to be such a drama.

Despite what some people say most kids are wonderful at adapting if you let them. The problem is lots of parents don't let the kids deviate from their routine or get get stressed about it all - which of course the kids pick up on.

nokidshere · 19/12/2018 10:50

I don't really see the problem here. Either he will wake early that day and so have his nap early so his second nap will be after lunch anyway, or he will be sleeping when you are due at (a cold) lunch in which case you just call and say he's fallen asleep so we will be along when he wakes,

Alternatively, grow a backbone and tell her you cannot guarantee arriving at a set time so is she ok with that or would she prefer to cancel. You can still be assertive and pleasant.

EKGEMS · 19/12/2018 11:50

What does your husband say when your MIL says or does such inflammatory things? That's the bigger issue than Sunday lunch in my opinion OP

Original poster
Jellybabie3 · 19/12/2018 12:41

"She doesnt mean it"

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GreatDuckCookery6211 · 19/12/2018 12:42

How often do you go for lunch at MILs? Is it a regular thing OP?

JustTwoMoreSecs · 19/12/2018 12:47

What are the timings? And is the problem that she wants him awake for lunch?

If the nap time is early afternoon I would say: get him to nap in the morning before you go, start lunch with DS awake and put him down somewhere when he gets tored even if the meal is not over.
Most toddlers can fall asleep in an unknown environment if put to bed by their parents and with some familiar plush toys.

Sleeplikeasloth · 19/12/2018 12:55

Is this because you've taught your toddler to only sleep in his cot or something?

I don't understand why people do this, as it then rules their lives. Keeping some variety in how your child naps, or if it has to be one place, ensuring that place is portable (ie a pram) gives you so much more freedom in life.

Original poster
Jellybabie3 · 19/12/2018 13:28

They barely see him at all as they are always "too busy". When they come to ours they will stand in their coats for 30-45 min then leave. If hes asleep or 'playing up' then less. We have offered an unbelievable amount of times to go for dinner/have dinner etc but its always no, they are too busy. FIL wont go near DS he looks at him like an object. MIL will poke and prod him then say hes too clingy which is why he doesnt like it and wants to come to me 'all the time'

The times we have been there it is a regulated affair and if their needs are met it results in 'disapointment'. So last time he fell asleep MIL sulked. When he was crying it was because I bfeed him too much.
DH has tried to get them more involved. We send them pics all the time. First this and that. We get no response. But if its something happening in their lives DH has to respond straight away. Its just not a two way street.

I have no objection to going. Its the way its done. I would and will move DS sleeps about but its the fact it isnt even in her mind that DS needs sleep and is not a performing monkey.

And unfortunately my son isnt the type to just sleep.on a cushion or a bed or whatever. He will sleep in the cot, pram when being pushed or the car. I havent tried to restrict him anywhere its just the way he is.

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Original poster
Jellybabie3 · 19/12/2018 13:30

And i really will resent Christmas eve being ruined if he is in a tantrum thanks to no sleep Angry

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BiscuitDrama · 19/12/2018 13:33

What time are you due there and what time does he normally nap? Does he nap well in car/buggy/travel cot?
I’m sure we can come up with some cunning plans.

Also, I think around 12 months many babies have moved to one nap, it’s worth bearing in mind that you’ll be moving to that soon, which makes life a bit easier.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 19/12/2018 13:43

I honestly wouldn't go. I don't understand the need for people to put up with someone that you don't care for and that annoy you.

Just stay at home with DS and let him have his naps.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 19/12/2018 13:45

The crux of the issue here is that you have an inconsiderate MIL and that you are resentful and justifiably so about going because

a) she makes digs about your parenting
b) she basically doesn’t respect you as a parent

HOWEVER on this occasion you need to keep taking the high road and try and get him napped earlier. I’ve had to do this with my 14mo DS lately to make some Christmas appointments.

If that doesn’t work or he 1000% needs the second nap take him for a walk to sleep in the pram. Gets you out the house for a bit and stops him being a cranky nightmare at bedtime.

Fundamentally you are looking for an excuse (based in fact though) to swerve or shrink this visit and I don’t blame you.

Perhaps a discussion between MIL and DH is needed to try and make the visits less judgey (her) and resentful (you).

The best of luck and keep thanking the powers that be you’re not there Christmas Day x

CardsforKittens · 19/12/2018 13:58

I think it's up to grandparents to be adaptable; tiny children aren't necessarily capable of it. The problem seems to be that MIL won't adapt because she doesn't want to. Meanwhile the child can't adapt because he actually needs that nap at this stage in his development. So the expectation falls on the mother to adapt by attempting to hack his sleep schedule or to deal with a grumpy child on Christmas Eve. Fuck that.

I think it's important to make clear to the MIL that DS will nap when he needs to, that he won't be woken up at lunchtime if he's asleep, and if that means lunch is completely ruined, well, that's a shame but that's just how it is.

CarolDanvers · 19/12/2018 14:01

HOWEVER on this occasion you need to keep taking the high road and try and get him napped earlier.

Why though? Serious question. Why does OP need to do this? Some of my biggest regrets from my children’s early years centre on the behaviour and demands of grown adults and how I prioritised or stressed out about them. I can’t tell you how much better Christmas (and other occasions) are now that we don’t do that. No more hammering up the motorway on Boxing Day for three hours. No more being coerced into sending my kids to them for more time than I was comfortable with.

Stay home OP. I would.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 19/12/2018 14:17

@CarolDanvers

I ask myself this too. The only reason I’m saying “on this occasion” is because it sounds like the DH needs to step the fuck up here and it may be easier to get a resolution quicker if the MIL doesn’t feel “snubbed at Christmas”

Which is exactly the shit she’d pull by the sounds of it.

It just makes the road to a resolution longer.

But I do agree with your post x

Original poster
Jellybabie3 · 19/12/2018 14:18

Lunch is "being served" at 1

He would 'usually' nap around 9am for an hour ish (hes typically up at 5.30-6am because thats what time I go to work most days) then again around 1.30 for again an hour so. So basically he will arrive not far off wanting a nap.

But this is give or take!

Thats the problem really. If we arrive and say he needs a nap soon. Sulk. If we arrived after he wakes he will be fine for a while but then I would prefer to either get him home again for a nap or will be plodding the streets. Ideally we would have it later in the avo as then he is on the stretch til bed but they wont do that. (And i get its then no longer 'lunch')

I do appreciate I am being abit selfish. And my life isnt dictated by his naps. I think its the fact that there is no wiggle room and the criticism that will ensue if DS doesnt behave as expected because of it. I cant bear the criticism. Its bad enough he 'isnt walking yet'

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Original poster
Jellybabie3 · 19/12/2018 14:19

I have no way out because its christmas so she will never let me live it down. But my argument is what about the rest of the bloody year.

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Redken24 · 19/12/2018 14:25

Sorry just take the travel cot and if she sulks tell her that's the way it is. Either he sleeps there or at home.

CardsforKittens · 19/12/2018 14:25

I don't think you're being selfish at all. Naturally enough, you don't enjoy spending time with people who are rude to you. And it sounds like your DH is miminising things by claiming that his mother 'doesn't mean it'. Well maybe it's time she learned not to say things she doesn't mean. Most of us manage that by the time we're adults, why not her?

Redken24 · 19/12/2018 14:26

My life is dictated by my child's naps. She sleeps through day and then sleeps hopefully at night. I need sleep to function so if I have to miss lunches or not go to dinner I figure it isn't forever. We can always arrive after she wakes.

Caterina99 · 19/12/2018 14:30

Surely you know what time he normally naps at? Even if it’s not exact timings.

I know how you feel and I would prioritise my kids naps, but sometimes you have to go with the flow a bit. However lunch 10 min away with a toddler that takes 2 naps isn’t really one of those days.

What time is lunch? Put him down for his morning nap at home (wake him up early if you need the nap to be early) and then go for lunch. The afternoon one either use a travel cot at mil or take him out for a walk or drive. Yes it probably won’t be a great nap, but it’ll be 30-60 min peace and enough to get him through the day. Early bedtime and done!

I find when they just nap once a day it’s much more difficult to be flexible as if you miss that window then that’s it for the day. And it’s usually lunch time

Janecon · 19/12/2018 14:30

Yep, another MIL bashing thread.....

Caterina99 · 19/12/2018 14:34

Cross posted as I saw you gave timings - take the travel cot and put him down around 2/2.30 after lunch. Everyone can enjoy their coffee in peace. Or take him for a drive in the car around then. Good excuse to get away and sit and look at your phone without them

Original poster
Jellybabie3 · 19/12/2018 14:36

@Janecon wouldnt matter who it was tbh the fact remains

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Original poster
Jellybabie3 · 19/12/2018 14:36

Yeah you are right. A walk may be an excuse to get out for a bit

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