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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To try to stick to ds (14mo) naps over Christmas despite the MIL

171 replies

Jellybabie3 · 19/12/2018 06:55

So he doesnt have set routines but does have 2 naps a day and is a nightmare sleeper otherwise which makes him and me a grumpy mess. We are seeing the MIL on sunday who has told us to be there at set times, what time is food (it's only lunch) etc and its only 10min away so DS wont get a decent nap en route. Fat chance he will sleep there as hes not the type to just drop on the sofa and sleep and he has only been there once before so will not feel comfortable I expect (they insisit on coming here usually) She has had 2 children but cant see why saying 'he will be OK missing a nap' isn't an option when he will be an overtired mess going into christmas eve....aib selfish here and should suck it up

OP posts:
waterrat · 19/12/2018 09:42

I think once you are out of this phase you forget how tedious it is having to jiggle an exhausted toddler about during lunch that is set overnaptime!

Of course its only one day - I would say just nod and go along with it but take the buggy and take him off for a walk - and try to just relax if he doesn't sleep it won't kill him for one day to be out of kilter.

AnotherPidgey · 19/12/2018 09:50

I had fairly adaptable children, but it's hardly a leap of the imagination to know that some children need the routine of their naps more than others.

The MiL sounds more inflexible than the toddler. There's no particular reason given why the lunch absolutely has to be at a particular time.

See if you can drive him off to sleep first (I wonder what percentage of the milage on my car was from doing laps of a particular route to lengthen local journeys to get mine to sleep to avoid hyper-tired grotty moods).

Sounds like the MiL will be awkward and overbearing whatever you do, so you may as well whatever you can to have a happy toddler on the day and over the next couple of days.

Original poster
Jellybabie3 · 19/12/2018 09:53

@StressedToTheMaxx I think I will do that! But mind you having a grumpy toddler and DH for christmas doesnt sound great either.

I think you are right @AnotherPidgey I wont win either way as she will undoubtedly piss me off so I may have to put my big girl panta on and have a stiff drink set on the side for when I get home 😂 DH can then take the night shift!

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 19/12/2018 09:56

What time is the meal OP?

Deadringer · 19/12/2018 10:00

If he will nap in the car could you go early and drive around til he goes to sleep. Then you can sit in the car and have some lovely quiet time before lunch. Try not to get worked up about it, when mine were little these things seemed like a big deal and mil drove me crazy, but they usually worked out ok and I get on well with her now.

lazymare · 19/12/2018 10:01

It's surprising how adaptable children can be especially if you relax the routine a bit.

It's surprising how some of them just aren't.

Both of my children's grannies would have asked and adapted around the babies. Because they cared. It's just easier and more enjoyable for everyone.

AuntyJackiesBrothersSistersBoy · 19/12/2018 10:01

All of this gets in my nerves. I’d stick to your baby’s routine. It took me so, so long to get my DS to have a nap in the day. He was a bloody nightmare if he didn’t have it. Your child, your rules.

Hillarious · 19/12/2018 10:06

Someone else might take him out for a walk in the buggy to get him to sleep. I used to do that a lot for my niece and nephew when they were little - gave my DBro and SIL some time off.

EugenesAxe · 19/12/2018 10:08

I’m a bit on the fence about this. There were always lots of mothers who couldn’t help run our parent-led playgroup ‘because of nap times’. Me and the other main leader Mum always thought ‘it’s one day a month - suck it up.’ So I think mums can get a bit neurotic about things like this.

That said - if your child is truly a nightmare without routine as PP. just said, you should have your wishes respected. Babies definitely need routine, I just think one day out every now and then won’t mentally scar them, unless particularly sensitive.

llangennith · 19/12/2018 10:10

Some babies will be quite happy to stay awake and have their routine disrupted, none of mine did! Only one of my babies was that obliging the others were awful if they were overtired. Two of my four DGC would be fine without a nap but the other two would be horrendous.
Do what's best for you and your DS and she can like it or lump it.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 19/12/2018 10:10

So would mine lazy but I wouldn't have expected them to. Not for just one day.

GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 19/12/2018 10:19

If you have a child who isn't very adaptable and who'll be grumpy enough to be detrimental to his and your Christmas then no, you wouldn't BU to try and stick to naptimes. Him not being a nightmare for the next couple of days takes precedence over placating a grown woman.

That said, you should maintain the nap schedule with as little disruption to MILs day as possible. She can serve lunch at the time she wants to plan and serve it for, that's absolutely fine, but DS may not be present and awake. If that happens, DH can go and have lunch with her while you walk DS around to nap. She can have her own way about setting the time well in advance or her own way about DS being awake and at the table. Not both. Nothing you or anyone else has done, that's just how it is. Although I don't know why she'd be that keen to have a 14 month old awake for a big family lunch anyway. It's not an age that is conducive to participation in lengthy meals.

angstridden2 · 19/12/2018 10:26

Why is it always MILs getting flak? As people have said, bring a travel cot or walk him round in the buggy for a nap...or just don’t go if your toddler really can’t sleep anywhere but his own home and you are happy to stay at home and miss lunch. Can’t see anything wrong with someone wanting lunch to be sometime around, you know, lunchtime.

Thank heavens my DIL is very sensible (so far) and flexible about her children

lazymare · 19/12/2018 10:30

Because it's the MIL doing it? Do you make similar bitchy comments to the OP's MIL? If not then maybe that's why your DIL has a good relationship with you.

lazymare · 19/12/2018 10:31

So would mine lazy but I wouldn't have expected them to. Not for just one day.

I would and did expect it. My children were part of the family too and just as important as putting out sandwiches at 1pm on the dot.

Original poster
Jellybabie3 · 19/12/2018 10:33

I am flexible with his schedule. If I wasnt he would sleep at set times, wake at set times. What I have tried to say is its unpredictable. I dont have a problem with it, nor does anyone else.
With my MIL she will not be happy with me saying sorry hes asleep he will eat when he wakes, she will expect us to wake him up or keep him awake - and then complain if hes moody because he hasnt had enough sleep.
If hes tired he will throw the food on the floor. I dont give a hoot about missing lunch. I just think its unreasonable for her to think I should wake him/keep him awake/try to get him to sleep when hes not tired Hmm because a cold lunch needs to be served at a set time

OP posts:
Original poster
Jellybabie3 · 19/12/2018 10:36

At the end of the day I thought (within reason) everyone works around their baby whether they have set times or not for naps where possible. I see this as a 'where possible' situation.

OP posts:
BlaaBlaaBlaa · 19/12/2018 10:36

But what happens if there are multiple children all with different routines? How would that work?

Original poster
Jellybabie3 · 19/12/2018 10:36

Aka its not a doc appointment, a wedding or a flipping souffle that will be destroyed if not served at a minutes notice

OP posts:
Original poster
Jellybabie3 · 19/12/2018 10:37

@BlaaBlaaBlaa there arent. Its me dh ds and the gp's

OP posts:
lazymare · 19/12/2018 10:38

That just wasn't an issue in my family. So now we adapt round the littlest. TBH we would usually prefer to eat while they were sleeping but the Op has explained that her MIL is v unreasonable about this.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 19/12/2018 10:40

Just go when he's woken up then! Don't have a face on about her dictating the time of the meal, just let him have a nap and go later.

fullforce · 19/12/2018 10:41

You do as you see fit OP! After all, MIL or anyone who says ‘it’s just one day’ does not realise or live through the after affects of it. They won’t be up til the early hours every night after so why should you have to be. A baby that age needs routine and you need your sleep too! Sod anyone who tries disturbing naps or sleep routines

Thesearmsofmine · 19/12/2018 10:41

Can you not just wake him early so he has an early nap and then you go to lunch? So up at 7, an hours nap at 11ish and then go.

GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 19/12/2018 10:46

It's probably the MIL getting flak here because she's clearly the one in the wrong angst...

And if there are multiple children all with different routines who won't do well with being made to stay awake, then the onus is on the adults in the family to accept that they're not all going to be awake simultaneously for a set mealtime. And not sulk about it. If you're hosting, you don't necessarily have to work round a baby or toddler's naps, and it's perfectly reasonable to serve lunch at a time of your choosing without reference to naptime. But you do have to accept the consequences that may flow from that.

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