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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be secretly fuming that I didn’t get my secret santa present?

169 replies

Secretstingyfuck · 19/12/2018 01:03

I took part in Secret Santa at work and spent lots of time and effort buying a thoughtful gift for my recipient.

Presents were given out at a Christmas lunch and mine wasn’t there. The only one. I am gutted inside, but I am putting on a brave face as the organiser has assured me that it is going to turn up. I don’t think it is and I think it was a mistake on the organiser’s part. The organiser has put my name and a request for my santa to do the decent thing on the staff notice board, so I face the fucking humiliation every time I go into work. Everyday I get people asking me if I have my present followed by ‘oh dear’ and ‘that’s not very nice...’ type comments. I am trying to be mature but inside I feel like shit.

I work in my children’s school, would I be within my rights to be completely childish and leave an empty box of celebrations in the staff room thanking the staff for their efforts this year? Just so I can take some pleasure in watching people open an empty box of chocs? Shall I leave my name on the board forever? Or, shall I just wipe my name off the board, pretend that I got my present and get over it?

OP posts:
wowfudge · 19/12/2018 18:28

Well I hope the person who didn't bother feels suitably shamed OP. Good that other colleagues have been thoughtful.

KitKat1985 · 19/12/2018 18:36

Secret santa is a general pain in the arse anyway, always organised by the same person who cant keep a sponsorship form out of your face for 5 minutes.

Agreed. The woman who is organising our secret santa this year (which I've opted out of) is very thoughtful but a bit too earnest about workplace stuff (and also loaded and seems to not understand that not everyone wants to constantly give for workplace collections and the like). This week she's asked for donations for a 'welcome back to work gift' for a colleague who has been off sick for a week. A WEEK. I mean for fucks sake I've had longer holidays. I don't think a gift and card are really required for being off sick for a week is it? Or possibly I've just turned into a really penny pinching grinch.

LadyFidgetAndHerHandbag · 19/12/2018 21:12

I organise my work secret santa (and don't wave sponsorship forms about) and I know who's drawn for whom and will make sure there are gifts under the tree in plenty of time. Last year I did a last minute dash for a gift because someone didn't have a gift when I checked at lunch time but luckily it was there by the evening. Nobody has ever gone home without a gift.

Pigriver · 19/12/2018 21:30

Well I hope my secret santa recipient wasn't slagging me off yesterday.
I work in a school and my recipients children also attend.....
I bought the present last week, just before my MIL suddenly died. Unfortunately I've been too busy dealing with a grief stricken Dh and traumatised 3 year old who found her dead.
I took the present in today only to find they changed the handover day to yesterday. So yes someone will have felt upset and left out.
Dhs secret santa recipient will also go without this year but hopefully we will be forgiven rather than slated on mumsnet

Barbie222 · 19/12/2018 21:40

Oh no, that's rubbish. Were there any surprise no shows for the opening? Someone too ashamed to be there? I'm surprised the person organising this didn't count up the presents and check this before you were embarrassed like this. Something just the same happened where I work too.

HowDoYouMilkANut · 19/12/2018 21:40

I'll never forget being 14 and left out of a group of friends secret Santa. The bitches had no shame though, they quite happily all sat and opened them whilst I quietly ate my lunch. I left them all to it and walked away but I'll genuinely never forget how I felt that day.

Cherrysherbet · 19/12/2018 21:56

Golden rule for organisers of secret Santa.... be prepared to go and buy an extra gift if someone doesn’t bother! You can’t ask people to be involved if you’re not willing to make sure it runs smoothly.

admission · 19/12/2018 22:02

I would not take down your name for at least the period over Christmas, just so it is a reminder to the miserable person who did not buy it. The hurt it has caused is already there, so leaving it up is not going to increase that.
At the start of the new term i would go and see the head teacher and make the point about how hurt you were at the way that this has happened. You might like to labour the point about all staff are suppose to be part of a team and the school teacher conditions of employment around acting professionally. I would also make it quite clear that you are not going to participate in any secret Santa next year.
I would hope that a good headteacher would see that it is in their interest to sort this out and also consider whether the hassle of having one is worth it for next year.

Cherrysherbet · 19/12/2018 22:03

pigriver I’m sure most people don’t have a reason like you though. They are just lazy/mean spirited.
Of course in a situation like yours, it’s understandably the last thing on your mind, and seems such a trivial thing.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Cherrysherbet · 19/12/2018 22:07

This week she's asked for donations for a 'welcome back to work gift' for a colleague who has been off sick for a week. A WEEK.

😂 too funny!

LadyFidgetAndHerHandbag · 19/12/2018 22:14

I'm so sorry to hear about your mother in law pigriver. But I think you are a rare exception in having a very valid reason rather than just being too cheap, lazy or horrible to take part properly.

victopai · 19/12/2018 22:21

I'm actually jealous of you. As if this is your only drama, then life is pretty pretty good for you. It's all relative I know, but "you don't give to receive", and all that

holyguaca · 19/12/2018 22:32

victopain it's probably not the op's 'only drama'... why so unkind?

the secret santa is give & receive.

BlancheM · 19/12/2018 22:33

Vic OP didn't say it was the only drama in her life.
I'd agree with you about not giving to receive, but with secret Santa, that's the whole point of it.

BlancheM · 19/12/2018 22:33

Ohh, crossposted!

whitehousemum · 19/12/2018 23:29

Did secret Santa with a group of friends once (including my husband). Friend who gave me my present said she couldn’t think of anything to get me so she got me something my husband would like instead (whiskey glasses). I did not feel very valued at that point!

pamplemoussed · 19/12/2018 23:34

Me too. Our work secret Santa was organised for a day when I was out of the office. I got my gift delivered to the office even though I knew I would not be there, thinking my own gift would be waiting for me on my return. Nada. And the organiser has gone on leave already so I can’t even ask her if it’s in her locker .

Original poster
Secretstingyfuck · 19/12/2018 23:39

I am sorry for your loss PigriverFlowers

OP posts:
HoneysuckIejasmine · 19/12/2018 23:59

As a young 20 something, my friends and I used to do a variation on lucky dip - it had to be from a pound shop. You picked one at random and took turns at opening. Once you'd opened yours, you could swap it with any of the other already opened gifts. There was usually a really awesome present everyone wanted that was constantly being stolen, and usually a joke one that everyone tried to avoid. My friend still raves about the chip basket tray thing she ended up with one year.

WinterfellWench · 20/12/2018 00:09

pigriver I’m sure most people don’t have a reason like you though. They are just lazy/mean spirited.

This. The person who was meant to buy for the OP is a selfish, self serving oik. 99% guarantee that there is nothing 'wrong' in their life.

@victopai

I'm actually jealous of you. As if this is your only drama, then life is pretty pretty good for you. It's all relative I know, but "you don't give to receive", and all that.

Oh FFS there's always one. Do bore off with your top-trumping, virtue signalling, passive-aggressive 'you don't know you're born' nonsense!

YANBU. It's out of order not buying a secret santa present when you agree to participate.

Decemberfrost · 20/12/2018 00:18

@secretstingyfuck

You poor thing YANBU to be very pissed off. It sounds trivial, but it's very hurtful.

My DH took part in Secret Santa at work about 5 years ago. There were 14 of them, and he picked out a name - Sharon. But someone else had to buy for him. He spent about ten quid on his Secret Santa, and spent ages carefully choosing it.

All the gifts went into 'the Secret Santa box' at work. They all worked different shifts, and everyone had to have all the Secret Santa gifts in by 18th December - 5 days before they finished for Christmas. Then from midday that day they could take them....

You guessed it. He went for his gift on the 18th. Everyone's gifts - all 13 - were there - but not his. He looked the next day too. Nothing. By 5pm on the 23rd when they shut down for Christmas, everyone's had been taken, and still none for him. He was really upset. I mean, as 13 gifts were there, the person who was meant to buy for him never got him anything, but happily took their gift.

He told the manager, but she just said she didn't know who had had his name, and she never spoke about it again. He did mention to half a dozen of his colleagues how pissed off he was (after Christmas.) A couple of them said 'awwww.' and tilted their head, and that was it.

Shockingly, everyone seemed surprised when he refused to take part the following year, and every year since. As I said, it's trivial, but weirdly hurtful and upsetting.

Leveled · 20/12/2018 00:22

I don't know why the organiser didn't check before she handed them out.
One year the class bully got DD in the school form organised one and screwed her name up and binned it.
The teacher noticed it missing so non were handed out until she had checked who had theirs in. When it came out what had happened another kid bought dd something so she wasn't left out.

None were handed out until everyone's was there.

Chucky16 · 20/12/2018 07:57

I was organiser for Secret Santa at my work. A list was put up asking who wanted to take part so no-one was pressurised. Two of us did the draw and kept a list of who was giving who. Luckily everyone who was supposed to get a pressie did. The actual presents given however was outwith my control! One recipient got “edible underwear” and was really annoyed, another got the present she had given the previous year and I got a —really thoughtful— box of biscuits. Didn’t bother agin after that.

BeanTownNancy · 20/12/2018 08:37

I totally phoned in my SS gift this year. I was off sick when they did the draw so I hadn't actually agreed to do it but didn't want to disappoint anyone - had to ask a friend (who wasn't involved) to check under my keyboard and send me the name that had been stuffed under there and if turned out to be someone I don't know very well at all. The only thing I knew about him was that he liked eating food.
Then spent the weekend (and the next few days) dealing with a very sick toddler. On my way into work on the exchange day, I just stopped into a shop and bought some (very nice, slightly more expensive than the £5 limit) chocolates and wrapped them in the car.

Total cop-out, but at least I tried. Someone else left theirs at home. Then my toddler threw up again at nursery and I had to leave work and take him home, so I never got my own SS gift.

Stupid Secret Santa.

Fluffyears · 20/12/2018 08:54

You can have mine. Re-gifted shite!

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