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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be secretly fuming that I didn’t get my secret santa present?

169 replies

Secretstingyfuck · 19/12/2018 01:03

I took part in Secret Santa at work and spent lots of time and effort buying a thoughtful gift for my recipient.

Presents were given out at a Christmas lunch and mine wasn’t there. The only one. I am gutted inside, but I am putting on a brave face as the organiser has assured me that it is going to turn up. I don’t think it is and I think it was a mistake on the organiser’s part. The organiser has put my name and a request for my santa to do the decent thing on the staff notice board, so I face the fucking humiliation every time I go into work. Everyday I get people asking me if I have my present followed by ‘oh dear’ and ‘that’s not very nice...’ type comments. I am trying to be mature but inside I feel like shit.

I work in my children’s school, would I be within my rights to be completely childish and leave an empty box of celebrations in the staff room thanking the staff for their efforts this year? Just so I can take some pleasure in watching people open an empty box of chocs? Shall I leave my name on the board forever? Or, shall I just wipe my name off the board, pretend that I got my present and get over it?

OP posts:

PerverseConverse · 19/12/2018 07:29

This happened to me a few years back. I had PND and was really struggling to be at work and it really upset me. I was being bullied for breastfeeding and felt people hated me and this was the last straw for me and I ended up off sick over Christmas which made them hate me even more as someone else had to cover my Christmas shifts on the ward. Things were never the same after that. Some people are just horrible. It could be an honest mistake of course...

MsAwesomeDragon · 19/12/2018 07:31

I used to organise our secret Santa at work. Then 2 years in a row I didn't get my present on the day. Both years it was the same person buying for me, and both years they were off sick the week before Christmas a tradition he has continued for the past 7 years now. He did get me a present both years but he brought it to me in January instead. It didn't feel christmassy at all.

So I empathise with you op. It feels rubbish to be the only one sitting there with no present :(

maddiemookins16mum · 19/12/2018 07:35

I organised the Secret Santa at work this year, it’s kept me awake worrying that some poor thing will get forgotten. It’s on Friday and I’m two short (people have been putting them under our tree and I’ve checked names daily). I know one of them is now finished for Christmas too. I’ve got an ‘emergency gift’ wrapped in my drawer at work ready. I won’t let someone be left out, it’s a horrible feeling.

wowfudge · 19/12/2018 07:38

I've organised Secret Santa at work and we're exchanging gifts today. They weren't all in the allotted yesterday so I'm hoping the missing ones will be brought in today. I used an online Secret Santa organiser so I don't know who has got whom but can check if anyone doesn't bring a gift in. Plus having done a few of these in the past, I didn't want to know who had got me!

Original poster

Secretstingyfuck · 19/12/2018 07:42

Thanks for all of the lovely messages. After thinking about it I think I will just rub my name off the board with a big Merry Christmas.

I am tempted to stick up those famous words from the film Taken (I have a particular group off special skills ...I will find you blah blah..) before I do so - just to take the piss.

The organiser is a lovely person tbh and even if it is an admin error, she must be mortified on my behalf. I am sure she will not rest until it’s sorted hence my name being up on the board.
Merry Christmas to you all

OP posts:

ClaryFray · 19/12/2018 07:42

We had this a few people were missed so, my manager got a few extra incase. She's a doll like that.

Just chalk it up to experience and move on.

NeverTwerkNaked · 19/12/2018 07:49

That’s the right approach, wipe your name off the board. It’s only secret Santa even if it feels rubbish right now.

Solina · 19/12/2018 07:53

I was missed one year in my old job, it wasn't very nice but I was not the only one missed.
This year I am organising it and I know who has got who and was chasing the last person yesterday who hadn't brought theirs in. I was promised it will be in today, if it is not I will be naming and shaming them as I think you should not sign up if you aren't going to bother getting someone their present.

Kikidelivers · 19/12/2018 07:56

I’d honestly find this funny and my colleagues and I would laugh about it. I’d be joking accusing close colleagues of being the culprit.

toomanyeastereggsurghh · 19/12/2018 07:56

It’s amazing how often this seems to happen people are so cheap/mean
I would rub my name off the board but every time anyone asks about it I would say loudly that you think the person is pretty cheap or even say you know who it is but you can’t say (that’ll get them squirming!) Also suggest to organising lady to take names next time.

We do a lucky dip secret santa - it’s so much easier - everyone puts a generic £5 Xmasy gift into the Santa sack and after they’re all in (someone ticks off who has donated) we get to take one out. No one has ever been missed. If you don’t bring in a present you don’t get to take one out.

TamiTayorismyparentingguru · 19/12/2018 08:02

I have a strong suspicion that this will happen to DH in our family secret santa this year. Our family is scattered across 3 countries and 2 continents and we do a secret santa among the adults. Because we are never altogether on Christmas Day the gifts are all posted or delivered direct from Amazon/another online company. We agreed years ago that all gifts should be delivered no later than 2 weeks before Christmas due to people travelling etc over Christmas. (I got mine in October and DH & I both mailed ours/had them delivered mid November - this is normal.)

Nothing has arrived for DH yet - he couldn’t care less about the gift, but is pissed off that we have both put the effort (and money) into buying thoughtful gifts for our recipients (budget is £30 so not small, joke gifts) and there is nothing for him. I am more bothered about the fact that we open them via 3 or 4-way FaceTime each year and it will cause an atmosphere when DH has to say that he doesn’t have anything to open, which we will then get the blame for.

I hate secret santa for that reason - it is always built up beforehand and when someone is left out or gets an obviously crap gift it always causes embarrassment and awkwardness. I wish we could opt-out but then that would cause an atmosphere too because you get accused of being a grump! You can’t win!

I feel for you OP

purpleelk · 19/12/2018 08:02

My DHs work does a Christmas party for their staff’s kids (to make up for partners not invited to the fancy Xmas works do).

At the end, Santa calls out the kids’ names and gives out beautifully wrapped age appropriate gifts worth about £15 to each child. The parent emails the organiser weeks ahead with child’s name/age/gender/preference (soft toy/game/etc)

Three years in a row now, there are kids who get called who didn’t make it. Three years now there are kids on verge of tears because Santa forgot their gift.

Two years now we have been telling the organiser - buy extra gifts. Just a big box of biscuits or chocolates is fine. Since all guests must sign in with their reception staff, have a copy of Santa’s recipient list and have children tick off or add their names to it. Check against it before you give out the gifts.

Or get everyone a box of chocolates.

Just stop ruining the bloody children’s party because every year there’s a couple of crying children and their pissed off parents hissing discretely at the organiser for cocking it up again!

This year, organiser has been relieved of duties and new one was appointed.

It’s not just adults who get overlooked by Santa

HotSauceCommittee · 19/12/2018 08:02

At least you didn’t get a swear box like I did at work one year!

catsmother · 19/12/2018 08:06

Secret Santa is shit - unless you have a really good organiser who sees everyone plays fair, like the lucky dip suggestion above. As a then 30 something I once received a plastic basket of plastic 'shopping' like you'd get from the Early Learning Centre - no rhyme or reason to it and I guess the gifter probably grabbed any olod thing lurking in their cupboard at home. There have been countless occasions where presents have obviously been hugely under budget which is plain stingy as no-one has to participate. I've also seen someone get something particularly pointed and mean (relating to a personal issue they had which didn't affect anyone else) and the worst thing about that 'joke' was that they were clearly very upset and hurt, and that all of us in the anonymous names out of the hat draw were then under suspicion. Whoever the bully was created an even bigger problem than picking on that one colleague - though of course their feelings were paramount. And no-one had the guts to own up either so what should have been a bit of fun turned into a horrid occasion with lasting effects.

CrookedMe · 19/12/2018 08:08

Oh my goodness, don't do the empty box of chocolates thing!

It's only one person's fault, intentional or not, don't embarrass yourself over it.

Hoppinggreen · 19/12/2018 08:11

It happened to Dd13 at school last Friday
She suffers from anxiety and had taken a lot of time and trouble to choose and beautifully wrap her recipients gift only for her to be the only person in the class not to get anything
She was upset all weekend but thankfully on Monday there was a huge beautifully wrapped gift on her desk when she arrived at school ( I suspect from her teacher)
I doubt it was deliberate but she did take it very personally and I’m not surprised you are upset OP but I would just take your name off the board and try and forget it now

Yura · 19/12/2018 08:16

@purpleelk wow! we have the same kids christmas party set up - there are always gifts for everybody . tickets are bought in advance, leftover gifts go to a kids charity. problem solved

Gazelda · 19/12/2018 08:19

I organised secret Santa this year. I was anxious someone wouldn't get their gift. I bought an extra one just in case.
No one thanked me.
I won't be organising it next year.

EssentialHummus · 19/12/2018 08:22

OP, if you have £5 spare, take yourself to a large supermarket or coffee shop and get yourself a treat and have a little break. Give yourself something (to sound a bit Oprah).

Orchiddingme · 19/12/2018 08:24

Hoppinggreen that's what happened to my dd in her second year at secondary- the whole class did Secret Santa and her matched person just didn't bother! Luckily everyone knew who it was and so he was slightly shamed, although I don't think he was or he would have got a chocolate bar on the way to school! Glad your dd is ok now.

MilkyCuppa · 19/12/2018 08:26

The organiser keeps a list of names. If you don’t bring a gift you don’t receive one, it gets given to the person you failed to buy for. Or you do generic gifts, if you don’t put one in you don’t pick one out. This is totally the organiser’s fault - how can she not know who the culprit is?!

Reallybadidea · 19/12/2018 08:35

I've organised secret Santa numerous times and I would never not know who is allocated to each person. In the week leading up to it I spend hours chasing flaky people up about where their present is. If someone doesn't bring in their recipient's present then I will regift their own present (off appropriate) to the person without a gift. And I also ban them from taking part next year. I also have a stash of nice emergency presents so nobody goes without a present.

I also keep track of who gives shit presents and try and allocate them to each other so they get a similarly shit gift in return!

There are usually 80+ Santas so it is a major logistical exercise and it's a bloody miracle that I get any work done at all that week

ReanimatedSGB · 19/12/2018 08:41

Organisers should definitely have a couple of generic-but-acceptable gifts in reserve for this sort of thing - if you're the organiser, you could always pick stuff that you would like or have a use for yourself if it isn't needed.
Sympathies, OP. It's happened to me a time or two (last year at work: the organiser had clearly got in a couple of 'spares' and in fact the nice bottle of wine was fine by me.) But the organiser at yours making a big deal of it is really Not Helping.

RandomObject · 19/12/2018 08:43

I had this happen to me two years on the trot. First time I was the only one in a team of 20 who was forgotten, second time, someone accidentally bought for the wrong person leaving me as the only person in a 100 PERSON DEPARTMENT without a gift. Management quickly spirited up a bottle of prosecco as they felt so sorry for me.

RandomObject · 19/12/2018 08:44

Although my secret santa the following year obviously remembered my sob story as I got an absolutely amazing present.

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