‘Equality’ in relationship AIBU

[BaeBae]

My boyfriend says we are equal financially. He takes home 48k after tax and pays £8k maintenance a year to ex. He lives in a 4 bed detached house and drives a new BMW 5 series. I earn £23k (9k salary, the rest maintenance from my ex and benefits). I have 2 kids to support and a mortgage. He wants us to pay equal share for holidays and weekends away and moans about his credit card bill (which he pays off in full every month) when I can’t. We don’t live together and I ask for no financial help from him ever. He’s just started to moan about how I’m ‘ ungrateful’ as I don’t give him enough thanks for the things he does for me... like feeding me when I go to his house every other weekend. He comes to me once a week and I feed him etc. Is this just a high maintenance moaner of a man or AIBU? I’m not sure I can afford to be in a relationship if the man wants 50/50 equality and I have so little spare cash! Is this the way of the world now?

Either pay your half or say you can't afford to go. Dk you really think it is OK to expect him to pag half holidays/weekends away.

I’m not sure he understands how equality works.

Ask him to explain why he thinks you are equal?

He sounds like an arse quite frankly.

I out earn my husband quite substantially so when it comes to expenses we pay proportional to what we earn. If I pick an expensive restaurant I pay.

How long have you been together? If it's not long then he's not being unreasonable to expect to go halves, but he must in that case realise that you won't be able to go on holiday together. If he wants to go on holiday, he must pay some of your share without moaning about it.

He sounds like a bit of a twat tbh.

I’ve told him I can’t afford it anymore. Last month I took him away for the weekend to Europe and paid for it all bar the car hire. I paid £500, he paid £189 (for car hire & a couple of meals), he’s moaning now about having to pay for the car hire & meals. It was a trip to sort out my mum who has dementia.

He's tight. Who complains about feeding their girlfriend when they come round?
Find someone nicer.

We’ve been together almost 2 years.

I’m beginning to feel that way. It’s not very kind of him.

I think it’s normal to split things equally when you’re not living together / a family, but he should be be understanding of what you can afford and if he wants more expensive stuff he should be paying more.

Generally, he sounds really tight - moaning about giving you dinner etc. I would find that so offputting.

I wouldn't be comfortable not paying my way unless we were married and had kids together or something but even then I prefer to have equal earnings or be the higher earner as I am now.

If I were you I would only agree to holidays etc that I could afford to pay for myself and my children. Same as if I was going alone with them. I wouldn't expect my boyfriend to pay for anyone other than himself. I have always earned enough to support myself and my son though which has meant cutting my cloth accordingly.

This is assuming you haven't been together years and years.

Two years! He’s tight!

He sounds like an arse. He can’t complain about feeding you at his when you do the same for him.

How many meals does he provide you with? I couldn't afford to pay for another lot of adult meals for 2 full weekends a month but I would just make that clear rather than moaning. Or just do cheap meals I could afford. It depends on his outgoings as we've no idea what they are.

Money is a huge part of a relationship and personally I think it's important for both partners to be on the same side. Me and my partner do things proportional, if I earn more I pay for more and the other way round - to us that is equality. Other couples I know split everything 50/50 to them that is equality. If a couple doesn't agree on what's equal then money continues to cause tension and ultimately someone on either side will become resentful leading to disaster down the road..

It is putting me off him tbh. It’s a shame as I do nice things for him, but & cook for him at his, take him out for meals occasionally etc. I just don’t get it.

50/50 is fair when unmarried and not living together. This will obviously mean that you may not always be able to afford the things he wants to do.

I don’t want to go away with him anymore, no matter how much I contribute it’s never enough & I hear no end of it. He’ll have to go with friends until I’m earning a it more.

He’s tight, he’s selfish, and you shouldn’t be in a relationship with him, especially when you have children with someone else.

What happens if you have kids together? He’ll create a scenario where the children are unequal.

Yes, in an ideal world you go halves. However, when there is financial asymmetry, that’s not realistic.

So that means you either do things that the lower earners can easily afford, or the higher earner treats when they want to do an expensive activity the lower earner would have difficulty doing.

After 2 years this should not be an issue.

The fact he’s moaning about car-hire after you spent more than twice the amount he did tells you what kind of guy he is.

When DH and I first met we earned the same, but I was living independently and paying off debts whilst he lived at home. He paid for loads of things without EVER making it a big deal.

We’re now both good earners and treats go back and forth without thought.

You’re a fool if you stay with him.

Btw, to be clear I ALWAYS offered to pay in those early days and it was always brushed off.

Sounds like he wants more than his 50/50 share. Perhaps the only way this could work would be to break down things into figures and make it clear where money has been spent. Would be hard work and like you'll be doing your own accounts though..
Also agree with the point about your children, it's really not fun for them being caught up in all that and being treated unfairly

He doesn't sound like someone you'd want to go on holiday with anyway. Dump him and find someone nicer.
You should still pay your own way but you won't have to put up with the moaning.

He is showing you what he is like.
After 2 years he knows your financial situation, so while it is fair to share costs, he shouldn't be moaning about stumping up for expensive things he wants to do.
And as for grumbling about meals you eat at his house!!

Get rid, he won't improve.

We won’t have kids together, I’ve got 2 and so does he.. I’m just confused as I was married for 20 years and he’s the first guy I dated properly post split. Just not sure what is expected these days.
I would quite like it if he would not moan ... I’m hardly high maintenance and he doesn’t have to go on holiday with me.

For information these are holidays and trips without kids, just me and him. I take my two away separately or their dad does. We went away last year with our children (me with his & his with mine) and both paid the full cost individually for each trip.

I’m not going to plan another one with him, it’s too stressful and not worth the price I pay when we return. He says I don’t show I’m grateful enough (even when I’m paying hundreds myself -£450 last holiday towards it). Apart from saying ‘thank you so much, I’ve had a wonderful time, you’re very kind’ I don’t know how else to show my gratefulness!

Klaxon, klaxon, red flag, alert alert.

This is not a man who cares for the concept of equality, he is selfish and overly worried about the concept that you might possibly have more or pay less than him. He's using the word equality in order to make you think he is but he isn't at all, he's being a short armed penny pincher.

Somebody who sees you as equals is more flexible and laid back about the whole thing. They would (hopefully) get pissed off if you are totally taking them for a ride, but for general things it's flexible in terms of OK, I'll get this, you get that and you don't add up the pennies to check it's exactly 50/50, because it will even out in time.

It shouldn't be such a stress.