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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘Equality’ in relationship AIBU

130 replies

BaeBae · 18/12/2018 12:56

My boyfriend says we are equal financially. He takes home 48k after tax and pays £8k maintenance a year to ex. He lives in a 4 bed detached house and drives a new BMW 5 series. I earn £23k (9k salary, the rest maintenance from my ex and benefits). I have 2 kids to support and a mortgage. He wants us to pay equal share for holidays and weekends away and moans about his credit card bill (which he pays off in full every month) when I can’t. We don’t live together and I ask for no financial help from him ever. He’s just started to moan about how I’m ‘ ungrateful’ as I don’t give him enough thanks for the things he does for me... like feeding me when I go to his house every other weekend. He comes to me once a week and I feed him etc. Is this just a high maintenance moaner of a man or AIBU? I’m not sure I can afford to be in a relationship if the man wants 50/50 equality and I have so little spare cash! Is this the way of the world now?

OP posts:
1Redacted1 · 18/12/2018 19:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QueenJulian · 18/12/2018 19:22

Honestly, I’m horrified on your behalf and I can’t understand why you aren’t too. I would rather be alone and celibate forever than associated with this awful man. You are not in the wrong here, he’s a user and that’s why all those other women have got rid of him.

WheelyCoteClaus · 18/12/2018 19:29

Does he have financial problems himself??

It would be a deal breaker for me. I get the 50/50 thing. I don't get how he's being with you. Is he like this whenever there's an issue about other things?

Original poster
BaeBae · 18/12/2018 19:33

I am seeing the light. No he has no financial problems. Big house, nice car, huuuuuge pension, savings etc. The sex is great that’s partly why I’ve stayed. He dangles a lot of carrots too! I am beginning to feel like an idiot.

OP posts:
OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 18/12/2018 19:36

I think that what he means by equality is that he wants you to stump up exactly what he pays, regardless of your income.

That aside, he sounds mean and that is a VERY unpleasant trait. He won't change, know that, so I should dump him, if I were you.

MrsTerryPratcett · 18/12/2018 19:39

Next relationship (because you're dumping his arse, right?)... never ever clean a man's house for him, or iron his clothes. NEVER. Behave like a servant and you get treated like one.

bullyingadvice2017 · 18/12/2018 19:50

Run!!

ILikeyourHairyHands · 18/12/2018 20:02

Wot a nob.

That's the kindest thing I think I can say about him.

BertieBotts · 18/12/2018 20:14

Oh god. I was suspecting it but now I'm sure of it. He believes you are a commodity. When he spends any money on you (even if this benefits him) you understand, he's not doing it because he likes you or wants to treat you to whatever it is, he is doing it because he believes by doing so he is purchasing your time, affection, service and gratitude. This is exactly why he keeps going on about you not being grateful enough because he does not see any of this as a nice gesture or a gift or even as simply paying his way - he believes that his money entitles him to whatever he wants from you. And this is actually quite shocking - if he was to hire a cleaner, personal shopper, escort to accompany him on holidays - you can bet he'd pay a damn site more than he's expecting to outlay on you!

Normal people would not dream of inviting someone for dinner and asking them to bring the ingredients for that dinner, good grief! And if he chooses not to buy insurance he can hardly expect you to cough up for the cost incurred by not paying for insurance. What a knob jockey.

IfOnlyIKnewThen · 18/12/2018 20:33

OP, what are the carrots he's dangling?Hmm

1Redacted1 · 18/12/2018 20:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pippety · 18/12/2018 20:37

You’re not an idiot OP, you’ve seen the light! Ditch the arsehole and start the new year without him. Seriously, someone I know is married to a man like this and she is fucking miserable.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/12/2018 20:38

Dump his tight arse. Horribal attitude!

madcatladyforever · 18/12/2018 20:38

Tell him to fuck off and find someone less of a tight wad.

Ohyesiam · 18/12/2018 20:40

He sounds blinkered, self absorbed, entitled, and a commensurate moaner. What a nasty combination.

AngelsSins · 18/12/2018 20:45

Astounded at these comments! What has his earnings got to do with anything?! Op you want to do something- you pay half! It’s that simple. If you’d had his child which had impacted on your career prospects, then you should get equal share of everything after bills, but you didn’t so I’m not sure why you feel so entitled

Interesting that you’ve skipped over the parts about HIM moaning about paying half and expecting OP to be grateful when he does. He is the one who wants to pick the locations, pay half or less, and then expect OP to be grateful for his existence. Oh and then sub him sometimes and not dare ask for it back. On top of that, he also expects her to iron his shirts and clean his house!! If anyone is entitled here, it’s him.

Brighton2 · 18/12/2018 20:56

You clean his house and iron his shirts?

He’s asked you to do the Christmas food shopping and will give you the money?

He’s treating you like a servant.

Please tell me you’ve dumped him?

I wouldn’t want to have sex with a horrible man like that.

Plus, how could you have been a CEO? I know it’s possible but realistically there are hardly any female CEOs because having children puts you on the back foot career wise and often means you can’t work late etc because often women are the ones doing the majority at home too. Obviously things are better now than they were but there’s still a way to go. Especially if you were a single mum for a while, how on earth would you be able to work full time and build a career whilst trying to look after your kids on your own?

F1ame · 18/12/2018 21:14

At least you’ve only wasted 2 years, it could be worse. He sounds hideous and I find this kind of stingy, pedantic attitude the biggest turn off in men. Most men would be insisting on treating you as much as they can. “Feeding you” fgs. Is he running a zoo? It’s so boring. Just don’t bother.

orangepopp · 18/12/2018 21:22

tightness only gets worse as you get older. I would be really worried about living with him in the future.

Punta · 18/12/2018 21:29

It should be about ‘equity’ not ‘equality’. Your gut instinct tells you it’s not fair. Does he plan holidays in line with your budget or go for things he can afford and expects you to stump up the rest?

I doubt he is going to change.

TemptressofWaikiki · 18/12/2018 22:13

Keep the Christmas shopping money he gave you as pay-off for your previous ironing etc and buy some delicatessen and nice booze for yourself. Then dump and block him on phone, email etc. Best investment for your future!

Jamiefraserskilt · 18/12/2018 22:44

Sounds a deeply unattractive trait he has there.
This is after 2 years.
Imagine another 12 months of this.
You say his average relationship was six months so tell us, is this when this behaviour started?
There is a good reason ladies did not hang around after this and it has little to do with gold digging.
The man is a good gaslighter.
He has a selective memory.
He expects you to clean his house
He expects you to iron for him at your house
He resents spending money on you
He expects you to spend your money on a standard of living that he feels entitled to rather than what you can afford.
Time to go your separate ways. This has run its course.

Merryoldgoat · 18/12/2018 22:55

You clean and iron for him? Does he do that for you? He’s a real piece of work.

I think I’ve ironed about 4 shirts for my DH in 13 years. He’d never expect it. If I did it as a favour he’d always be very grateful, just like I would be to him.

I think there’s something wrong with me - I’d take ‘adequate’ sex and a proper relationship any day although there’s no reason you can’t have both. So many women seem to put up with utter shit because the sex is good.

And the ‘carrots’ - I’ll bet it’s engagement and buying a place together, isn’t it? Why on Earth you’d WANT to live with him is beyond me.

lifebegins50 · 18/12/2018 23:18

He seems to have contempt for you. Rather than admire you for being a mum and working he is undermining you.

The CEO comment is horrible, tell him he could have been earning twice what he is!
He is making you feel as if you are failing.

Nasty man, although I am sure he has charm when he wants something.

Original poster
BaeBae · 19/12/2018 07:33

I appreciate all the comments, they’ve helped me a lot, thank you! He is going to get dumped.

OP posts: