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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

‘Equality’ in relationship AIBU

130 replies

BaeBae · 18/12/2018 12:56

My boyfriend says we are equal financially. He takes home 48k after tax and pays £8k maintenance a year to ex. He lives in a 4 bed detached house and drives a new BMW 5 series. I earn £23k (9k salary, the rest maintenance from my ex and benefits). I have 2 kids to support and a mortgage. He wants us to pay equal share for holidays and weekends away and moans about his credit card bill (which he pays off in full every month) when I can’t. We don’t live together and I ask for no financial help from him ever. He’s just started to moan about how I’m ‘ ungrateful’ as I don’t give him enough thanks for the things he does for me... like feeding me when I go to his house every other weekend. He comes to me once a week and I feed him etc. Is this just a high maintenance moaner of a man or AIBU? I’m not sure I can afford to be in a relationship if the man wants 50/50 equality and I have so little spare cash! Is this the way of the world now?

OP posts:
BaeBae · 18/12/2018 14:11

I just prefer a more organic approach, he might take me out for dinner, but I’ll cook him a lovely meal, for example. After 2 years of me asking for nothing from him financially ever, and paying as much as I humanly can towards things I’d have thought he’d realise I’m not a gold digger. I’ve organised and paid for the lions share of two lovely weekends away, for meals out, contributed to big holidays etc... I’m beginning to think he is the gold digger!! Confused

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 18/12/2018 14:18

So your solution is to stay with him but avoid holidays?

Why are you willing to accept such shitty treatment? He’s a tight git and you know it.

BaeBae · 18/12/2018 14:26

I’m not sure yet, tbh I just want to have Xmas and deal with it afterwards... I’m a bit in shock as we had an awful row at the weekend over damage on the hire car for trip to see my mum. He hired the car, did the driving, refused insurance then the car got scuffed. He wanted me to stump up for half and knows I’ve no money. I don’t know, I know it’s not right... I’m just sad & confused.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 18/12/2018 14:30

You should be angry, love. You’re no gold digger - he’s a miserly git.

RomanyRoots · 18/12/2018 14:38

I'm still getting over how much maintenance he pays and how he justifies such a car when he has a child to support.
Don't have children with this man, it seems like you have found the reason why he's second hand, somebody else's cast off. Grin

Luxembourgmama · 18/12/2018 14:41

Equal is surely that you pay a % of your incomes? He sounds tight. you'd be better off without him.

Sirzy · 18/12/2018 14:46

Just on the last trip though if it was a weekend away to sort your mum with dementia it was hardly a holiday was it so if he was coming to help you sort things then I sort of think it’s fair you cover the lions share of the costs in that case.

That said you are obviously both is different places when it comes to financial priorities so probably worth reconsidering what you both actually want

Candy43 · 18/12/2018 14:48

If you don’t like today then imho it should be 50/50 unless the other party is kind enough to offer.

If you can’t afford things then you need to steer activities away from what you can’t afford

user139328237 · 18/12/2018 14:50

£8000 a year is hardly a small amount @Romany, and is almost certainly half the costs of raising a school age child so I'm not sure why you think it is automatically unreasonable that he has a nice car.
To be honest a trip to sort out a parent with dementia is anything but a holiday and many partners would refuse to even consider going on such a trip so YABU to think he should have financially contributed to that trip.

EerieSilence · 18/12/2018 14:50

LTFuckingTightB

Lettermethis · 18/12/2018 14:53

My DH is tight frugal. Wears tops with holes in, won't have a mobile, drives a shitty
old car when he can afford a new one. Only ever orders tap water when we're having a meal out. He's the most frugal tightest person I've met.

Except with me. Nothing is too much. He's too generous and doesn't begrudge anything at all. Together 9 years.

Begrudgment from a partner is a very, very ugly trait.

Candy43 · 18/12/2018 14:54

Sorry missed that comment about how he doesn’t think you’re ‘grateful’ enough. That IS a piss take.

So yes I think you should pay 50/50 but his attitude stinks

whispertomegently · 18/12/2018 14:54

Beware! It could be the start of 'never enough' which can mean that other things start to be never enough.

You end up constantly adjusting to please him and you lose your way, your focus and your sanity.

Never enough can grow into never right, never good enough, never try hard enough.....

You are left wondering what you did wrong when the reality is his expectations are unrealistic.

It's not a kind trait and kindness is essential.

If this truly is just a single trait , you might be able to reason with him, although I doubt he'll change.

If there are other red flags, run, fast and in the opposite direction.

Blobby10 · 18/12/2018 14:59

This would be a red flag for me tbh. In my experience, couples with vastly different income and outgoings and, more importantly, different attitudes to spending, don't last.

MonsterTequila · 18/12/2018 15:12

Astounded at these comments! What has his earnings got to do with anything?! Op you want to do something- you pay half! It’s that simple. If you’d had his child which had impacted on your career prospects, then you should get equal share of everything after bills, but you didn’t so I’m not sure why you feel so entitled? Hmm

dustyparadeground · 18/12/2018 15:18

Sounds like a tight git. Maybe that's why he's got money. After 2 years maybe it's time to decide if this is going anywhere and if the answer is yes, time for a joint account!

Merryoldgoat · 18/12/2018 15:41

@monstertequila

They’ve been together 2 years, not a few months.

When one partner earns significantly more you either do things the lower earner can easily afford or you pay a bigger share - I’d do that with friends let alone a partner.

She’s clearly told him she’s short of cash but he’s not moderated his behaviour at all.

The being too tight to pay for insurance and then expecting her to stump up gives you all the info you need.

HestiaParthenos · 18/12/2018 16:01

He’s just started to moan about how I’m ‘ ungrateful’ as I don’t give him enough thanks for the things he does for me... like feeding me when I go to his house every other weekend.

Get rid of him.

Telling you that he can't afford this or that and suggest to go halves is one thing, and could be reasonable, depending on how much money he has.

Demanding "more" gratitude is just disgusting behaviour, regardless of how much he has done for you.
Nothing an otherwise reasonable person could do in a bad moment.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 18/12/2018 16:03

There is nothing more unattractive in a partner than tightness/lack of generosity. I couldnt be with anyone who demanded half the money everytime they bought a pint of milk.

Zofloramummy · 18/12/2018 16:08

I maybe completely missing the point but if you are earning £23k with benefits but only earning £9k your ex must be paying a lot per month in maintenance or you get housing benefit? I earn £9k also and claim UC and I only get £13k a year with maintenance included. Are you in a rental? I think I’m penalised for being mortgaged. Just curiosity.

As for your boyfriend I think he is being unfair as your income is lower. Plus you are feeding him weekly and he just expects that but moans when he has to feed you. Personally I’d dump him.

MakeAHouseAHome · 18/12/2018 16:14

MonsterTequila like you I am also pretty baffled!? If this was a man sayi g he wanted his girlfriend to pay all or part of the costs for his half of the holidau this thread would have gone very differently!

BaeBae · 18/12/2018 16:14

But it’s not that I want to do these things, he suggests holidays but wants a certain standard... for example, I just had a significant birthday, he said he’d take me away on hols... he wanted a nice apartment- I suggested cheaper ones but no. I paid £450 towards the trip as he claimed after he never said he’d ‘take me’ and I felt it was fair enough I contribute. But when we return he keeps mentioning exactly how much it has cost him, so much so I have to tell him it’s ruining the memory of it for me. The trip to see my Mum I did say I would pay for but that we’d have a nice weekend together too ... I paid £500 for flights, accommodation, airport parking etc and he offered to buy a meal for us and lunch for my mum (which I ended up paying half for as it was so expensive) ... very grateful he came but now we are back he’s bringing up how much it’s cost him... which was £189 and the car issue cost him £250... so he’s a bit mad about that. I agreed if the car repair was horrendously expensive £500 plus, say, I would contribute (by selling some jewellery or paying him back monthly) but didn’t think he’d make such a massive fuss over £125.., he has extra insurance he can claim on too but still gave me shit over it. I’d never drive abroad without insurance but that’s his choice every time!

To be honest I just wanted to know what other people thought about what he might have meant by ‘we’re (financially) equal’ as I don’t think we are.

He wants to go away next year for his significant birthday and take friends & close family for a blow out long weekend. I’ve told him I won’t be able to afford to contribute so won’t come .. but even if he decides to pay for me I’ll dread it as the constant resentment I’ll get when we return won’t be worth it.

I’ve told him he should have got himself a wealthier gf, he knew my situation when we met!

When I mentioned the disparity in our incomes he just said ‘yes but you could have been a CEO, women can have any job they like these days.. it was your choice not to do so’ Angry

OP posts:
brighteyeowl17 · 18/12/2018 16:15

Sorry but after two years of he is still fixated on money then he always will be. Find someone who deserves you. He doesn’t. Penny pinching isn’t a nice quality. Could you really live with someone like that?

Sirzy · 18/12/2018 16:19

It just sounds you are both in different places

MrsTerryPratcett · 18/12/2018 16:19

He sounds like a miser and sexist to boot. I am willing to bet he's selfish in bed too.

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