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Original poster

Update on stopping contact with dad.. I’m shaking please help

368 replies

Expressodaily · 18/12/2018 09:39

Ok so I had another thread if anyone’s seen that
Basically on wether to keep up contact witj my 5 week olds father. I came to the conclusion to tell him to go see a solicitor.
I have continued to say he can see the baby here or in a mutual place but until he spends more time with her he isn’t having her alone as I’m all she knows

He’s now sent me a text. Telling me it’s in my best interests to change my mind and confirm a plan where he takes her today- otherwise he is visiting a solicitor and showing them texts saying I don’t want to be here. Which in his words they will take very seriously so I need to think about if I want to keep seeing my baby as much as I am now.

I’m shaking . I’m so worried, will this stand for anything ? Yes I shouldn’t have said that. Everyone has down days. My mum commited suicide a couple of years ago, I have no other family, he left me while pregnant, It’s obviously a time I wanted to be surrounded witn support and I wasn’t. I reached out to the enhanced midwife team as I knew I felt down. I feel okay now I don’t want him to use these threats and I’ve no idea what to do

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 19/12/2018 22:54

Sounds like he's doing 'cold and officious' now because shouty and demanding wasn't working. Interesting that he suddenly doesn't want to 'drag you through court', guess he's realised he might not be on such firm footing as he thought.

I'm assuming his 'plan' will still include taking DD and will be all about what he wants, in which case I would stick to your guns and insist it goes through court. How are you feeling about it all tonight OP?

Zofloramummy · 19/12/2018 22:57

Ffs she is a tiny baby! She won’t know what day if the week it is. He could visit Christmas Eve perhaps but no, he is t taking her on Christmas Day as she is too young to be without her mum!!
Tell him that you are offering him access and he isn’t attending. Therefore you feel that the courts are the best option.

WildFlower2018 · 19/12/2018 23:20

I'd simply reply to that with "I'm more than happy to take this to court". And nothing else.

DontShootTheMessengerPlease · 19/12/2018 23:21

"I think it’s best we get it sorted rather than dragging you through court."

As he's going to "drag" you through court. You're the one holding the cards here, NOT him. He's just trying to threaten and scare you into doing as he wants.

Screenshot all these texts, maybe delete his name from your phonebook so you in the screenshots his phone number is visible instead of his name if that makes sense? That way he can't argue it wasn't him who sent them? Maybe also send all of them to a trusted friend, or Facebook messenger/email them to yourself, so you have a back up in case anything happens to your phone.

GummyGoddess · 19/12/2018 23:34

He is using that language to try and force his way. He thinks if he says things that sound reasonable then you won't have a leg to stand on, however he is mistaking cold/calm for reasonable. His demands are unreasonable no matter how he tries to present them. No judge is going to tell a mother she has to be apart from her 5 week old unless she is a danger to them and you are not.

As everyone else has said, give him an email for contact only and block him from your phone. Email a contact schedule and terms to him, if he doesn't take the opportunity for contact it will reflect badly on him and positively on you.

Do not engage in verbal conversation, you need a record of everything.

Here is information on typical contact arrangements. It is also recommended that a child under 2 does not stay overnight away from their primary carer (you) and between 2 and 5 can have 2 non consecutive overnights a week.

GummyGoddess · 19/12/2018 23:46

TBH the more I think about it, the more I would try relactating if possible, using shields if baby now prefers bottle teats.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 19/12/2018 23:46

Very good idea by @DontShootTheMessengerPlease. Removing his name so you can see the number is very useful, he wouldn't be able to deny it was him then.

Wordthe · 19/12/2018 23:53

He thinks he's clever but he's not very bright
He thinks he can put the fluence on you just by wording his sentences in that contrived and peculiar way 🙄
remember do not engage with him on any of the points that he raises just stick to your guns

Wordthe · 19/12/2018 23:56

He has revealed very clearly that he is absolutely full of s*
he makes threat you call his bluff and he backs down straight away
While still trying to manipulate you with his totally transparent maneuvers 🙄

Christmasisforadults2 · 19/12/2018 23:57

@AssassinatedBeauty how is a text irrelevant? People are forever using them or showing them in court situations. My point wasn't to be scared of it but to simply explain if it is used.
If an ex send a text threatening to kill you - would that not be used?...

And as in help, I was talking about shared contact of the child. Not helping her out. The OP can't say that she doesn't want him around but tell the cafcass officer that at time she struggles ( which is normal too) because the court will suggest the ex to have contact.

GinIsIn · 20/12/2018 00:28

“Please direct all further discussion to my solicitor”

GinIsIn · 20/12/2018 00:29

That’s it. Don’t engage. Don’t bargain. Don’t enter into conversation.

AssassinatedBeauty · 20/12/2018 01:05

Read the thread @Christmasisforadults2. There is no point focussing on this one single fairly meaningless text, because the OP did everything she needed to do to seek help. No one could possibly use it against her in any court situation. I'm not talking about texts in general!

If you meant contact then describing it as "helping" is odd.

hidinginthenightgarden · 20/12/2018 06:59

To be honest op. I wouldn’t be letting him take her any where until you have a court order. I wouldn’t trust that he would return her and without that court order, there is nothing you can do if he does take her.

4sausages · 20/12/2018 07:28

Op, you mentioned earlier that he wanted to take your baby to his mum's. Is it possible the pressure is coming from her? Has she seen your DD?

billybagpuss · 20/12/2018 07:50

Yes good point about his mum. Did you get on with her! Would taking baby to see her get him to behave like less of an arse.

I agree, text back saying that your offer stands that you are happy for him to see baby either at your house or on neutral ground but you agree that going forward it would be better for the courts to decide a suitable structure.

I would also get a new phone specifically for him and tell him that in view of the barrage of aggressive texts that you have received you will check the phone twice a day only so he can arrange contact and then block him from all other sources.

R0binh0 · 20/12/2018 07:51

He writes the contact plan and “will listen if you want to tweak it”?!

Erm no. Do not be fooled by his current calm tone, from your updates it sounds like he’s switched from ranting and raving to playing the adult, and back again.

You’ve surprised him by standing your ground. Keep it up OP, you’re doing great. You’re being totally reasonable: let the solicitors handle the negotiation from here on. All power to you x

GabriellaMontez · 20/12/2018 08:22

What a total shit.

My ex uses.this strange language sometimes. It feels quite scary as if he axtually has authority. But really it's just his latest technique to bully you. He has none.

Don't be dragged into discussion with him.

He wants to try and negotiate. Don't. It's not about his needs (or possibly his mum's?) It's about the needs of your new born. Which will remain the same on Christmas day.

Keep all these texts.

Sending strength your way xx

werideatdawn · 20/12/2018 08:31

Stop engaging completely. He's so manipulative it's quite disturbing. I would absolutely take this through the legal route.

Hortonlovesahoo · 20/12/2018 08:39

OP: id really recommend not replying and calling women's aid to help you protect yourself and your child. He is being manipulative and abusive.

He can create whatever document he wants, you don't need to accept it.

LIZS · 20/12/2018 08:46

Can you make plans to spend Christmas Day elsewhere? You not have to go along with his "plan" and definitely do not allow him unsupervised access. Could your Aunty accompany you to meet him on neutral ground.

olympicsrock · 20/12/2018 09:00

I think you need to go down the email only route and do this via the solicitors route. This man is unreasonable and abusive so you will not come to an amicable agreement. Do not let him bully you.

Mummylife2018 · 20/12/2018 09:12

Please contact National Centre For Domestic Violence (regardless of if he's been violent) and they will arrange for a Prohibited Steps Order within 48 hours (no charge - is covered by Domestic Abuse Gateway of Legal Aid) to prevent him removing your child from you. This is really important!!!!
As he is on birth certificate, if you arrange supervised contact, he is currently legally entitled to take the baby and not return her and there's not a damn thing the police can do. You would have to get an emergency court order to get her back.
However, if you have a Prohibited Steps Order, this gives police the power to retrieve your child.

In the mean time, him approaching a solicitor will be mostly fruitless for him. There are months of hoops he would have to jump through before a court hearing would even be considered. Including mandatory mediation etc. Which would cost him a LOT of money!

I honestly have a feeling he would consider agreeing to contact then simply walking away with your baby - it happens so so often.

Also, him using the suicidal thoughts against you would not be taken too seriously. Not unless he had further evidence you were regularly feeling like that or actively threatening to take your life.

Try not to worry too much. It's something a lot of men in his position say. The authorities are sadly, used to those kind of moves x

Missingstreetlife · 20/12/2018 09:17

Good cop, bad cop. Don't have anything to do with him. Wasting your brain space. Stop it.
He's been advised to be reasonable but you can't rely on it. Arrange mediation or court, his frustration is going to spill over.
Bagpuss, don't be an idiot. This looks set to end in him taking the child or being physically violent. They both need to stop prevaricating and get a proper settlement. No indication his mum is sensible or helpful.

OhLemons · 20/12/2018 10:02

Agree about the prohibited steps order. There was a very sad post on here months ago about a husband who took baby away from his mum.

Don't want to frighten you OP, but him being in the birth certificate does mean if he took the baby the Police couldn't force him to return her.

You're doing great, stay strong and if you are allowing access, make sure it is at your house with someone else present.

I would ignore him, but you could say "I have seen a solicitor, name and address. They will await contact from your solicitor.

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