Update on stopping contact with dad.. I’m shaking please help

[Expressodaily]

Ok so I had another thread if anyone’s seen that
Basically on wether to keep up contact witj my 5 week olds father. I came to the conclusion to tell him to go see a solicitor.
I have continued to say he can see the baby here or in a mutual place but until he spends more time with her he isn’t having her alone as I’m all she knows

He’s now sent me a text. Telling me it’s in my best interests to change my mind and confirm a plan where he takes her today- otherwise he is visiting a solicitor and showing them texts saying I don’t want to be here. Which in his words they will take very seriously so I need to think about if I want to keep seeing my baby as much as I am now.

I’m shaking . I’m so worried, will this stand for anything ? Yes I shouldn’t have said that. Everyone has down days. My mum commited suicide a couple of years ago, I have no other family, he left me while pregnant, It’s obviously a time I wanted to be surrounded witn support and I wasn’t. I reached out to the enhanced midwife team as I knew I felt down. I feel okay now I don’t want him to use these threats and I’ve no idea what to do

What an utter bastard he is. No, don't be in. Don't reply. Make sure your midwife or HV has on record that he is severely pressuring you, threatening you, harassing you and warning that he will make legal claims you're mentally unfit (Midwife and HV will have actual evidence and have done actual assessments on this, and proof they have no concerns, and will be listened to over your vile ex). I would take the children and go away for a few days, and get advice on an urgent prohibited steps order from court. You need an order that he can't remove her, he must stop harassing you, and that he seeks proper contact via court.

Keep your email trail, court will find that very useful.

“I’m afraid further to your messages I have instructed a solicitor. Should you wish to arrange contact, you will need to do so through the proper channels. I have significant concerns as to your behaviour, and as a result contact can no longer be arranged directly.”

You originally said you'd be in at 6pm tonight and he could visit, so stick to that. Just repeat your first text: "of course I’ll be in from 6pm". Don't respond to anything else he's sent. He needs to learn that huffing and puffing gets him no where.

In contrast, he'll learn that your first response is what you actually mean and he can't change your mind.

I agree that it would be helpful for Aunt to be there if she can.

Having just re-read the thread your solicitor said you were doing the right thing in allowing him access so I think you maybe need to arrange something firm with him. On the understanding that you are there too. Then try and have an adult conversation about realistic access that you will be comfortable with.

I don't know if anything else has gone on that makes him an unfit human or whether this unpleasantness is just down to him being on the defensive because he wants access to his daughter. But if he continues to be abusive don't be afraid to get help from your solicitor and/or womens aid.

OP, I'd be very wary of letting him into your home to see your baby just now. He is an abusive bastard and frankly I'd be keeping him the hell away from her. As PP's have said, tell him to visit his solicitor and start court proceedings. And get your child maintenance in place while he's at it.... is he paying you anything regularly?

You are her mother, and you sound like you're doing a fantastic job. Don't let him get into your head, make you doubt yourself and (I always have to remind myself of this as I deal with my DC's abusive father) - just because he says something or writes it in a text, this does not make it fact!

If you are feeling threatened or alarmed by his behaviour I'd strongly advise reporting the issue to your local police station - I have done this in the past and they were nothing but sympathetic and helpful, and a log is then kept of your visit which may be helpful in the future. Also contact Women's Aid - they are amazing. Your ex is trying to control you. Was he abusive towards you during your relationship? Do not give him power. If you felt you could, block him (or at least stop responding to him). Every time you see your phone ping, I bet your tummy is flipping over with dread. I remember that feeling well. The only way I could take back control was to cut all communication and ensure EVERYTHING went through my solicitor. Knowing that I wasn't going to see messages, missed calls and emails gave me control and brought my strength back.

OP, Do you think you would be able to call the solicitor you spoke to for advice?

What are you offering today in terms of contact, and what is different about what he is asking for? If his most recent text is (as I read it) suggesting that he will visit his daughter at your home, and if that is what you offered him, then you might find a way to make that work... can someone be with you? After the messages you have had from him, I don't think it would be wise to see him without a very safe person with you.

Having been through family court with a similar character (my child is older), it looks like he is going to try and claim that you are denying contact, and that you are in a fragile mental state. Don't give him an inch. Find a safe way for the baby to be made available to him for a fixed period of time in a place of your choosing and with someone you trust. DO NOT communicate except with facts - I know how hard this is, but ignore all digs at your parenting/mental health and simply state when and where he can see the baby.

And get legal help as soon as you can. If his recent communications are typical, I would suggest he is abusive, and would seek support. But only you know that.

just to add - and not to scare you - when I tried to be reasonable (I felt I had a duty to allow him to see the DC) and let my STBXH in to see them, he assaulted me in. Cue his being arrested and a horrendous situation all round.
If you feel there's a risk of this at all, please, please don't let him in.

I think now is the time to involve a solicitor with a letter to him.
If you are in for him to see the baby,not take her,have someone with you.
I also second getting HV or GP backup reserve your mental health to confirm no problems.
Keep all his emails and keep your replies neutral and factual.
Any problems with the visit and call the police.
You may want to confirm with him that he can have access to the baby but motto take her from the house.His response will tell you whether to let him visit.

You need to be in to allow him to see his child, BUT do NOT let him take her away from the house.
Have your aunt there and make it very clear he is welcome to spend time with his child in your home with you present.
If he tries to leave with the child or frighten or intimidate you in anyway phone the police right away.
Get your aunt to voice record the initial conversation and tell her not to leave you alone with your ex at any point.

Fenella's message sounds perfect.

Can your DS's Dad be around this evening? It would be a treat for DS and would give you some support - obviously only if that would suit you both.

yy to PPs saying that you should let him see her today as agreed, unless he starts saying he wants to take her again. It's what your solicitor advises and you don't want to be seen to be moving the goalposts/refusing him access. But I definitely think you need to set a time limit on how long he's there for, and make sure you have aunt or another adult in the house with you.

If you are able to talk to the solicitor again asap, I reckon that's pretty important.

So sorry you're in this awful situation, OP. What a horrible start to your little girl's life. I hope you're finding a lot of joy in her nevertheless. You are doing the right thing.

My heart goes out to you - Ds dad left when I was pregnant and this was my worst nightmare.

Please stay firm and don’t let him bully you. Send fenellas message and don’t answer the door. Is there someone who can be there with you tonight?

Fenellas message is very good.

If you at all can, get someone to be there with you this evening. A third person will take it from a potential "then he said this, then I did that" to a situation with an actual witness report to the police/solicitors which can mean he suddenly is much more reasonable than he was planning to be.

Tell him you will be happy to arrange access through his solicitor. That will be a quick way to discover whether the solicitor actually exists.

Keep us updated on this afternoon x

thankyou everyone xx
So the health visitor came this morning - she told me my enhanced midwife team had absolutely no concerns over me.
I told her everything and she said she’d make a note

This afternoon I received another barrage of abuse, calling me vile saying I should be ashamed of myself saying this is the reason no one wants me in their lives. He text me saying unless baby is in her car seat ( that I bought ) waiting for him to be collected then he will not be visiting her. I said ok well again I’ve said you can see her here or a public place but I’m not sending her off.
This was followed by more abuse telling me I’m ruining her life.
I feel horrendous I’m just sat crying I feel so so drained. I didn’t want it to go court etc i wanted what I had with my sons dad we work together we respect each other we can be flexible. This is just horrendous x

You need to realise he is never going to be reasonable. Whatever access you give he will then demand more. You need to stop engaging in his abuse and just repeat he can visit her at home at 6. For more information he can contact your solicitor. (He won't btw)

Do not let him remove her from the house. You are putting her interests first.

This isn't your fault - this is him being a bully and he's throwing his toys out of the pram because he isn't getting his own way.

You've done what's best for your child and he's behaving like a prat. Court seems to be the only way and that way he can't argue.

He's a nasty bully who is trying to prey on your vulnerabilities. I'm sorry you're going through this OP, you've got support here.

Make sure you keep all of these messages from him!

I think you need to send one more message saying that in future he needs to sort out access via his solicitor and you won't be responding to any further messages about this. Then buy a cheap phone and give him that number to contact you on for emergencies only, and block him from your normal number.

If he carries on abusing and threatening you, get legal advice about applying for an injunction against him.

Honestly, you'd be running the risk of ruining her life if you let him be in it at this point. I think you're being too reasonable by even offering that he can see her at all, when he's abusing you like this. I honestly don't think you're safe just now; if I was you I'd be protecting myself by refusing to engage with his behaviour. Perhaps tell him that you're feeling threatened and if his behaviour doesn't drastically improve not only will he have to take you to court for access but you'll be logging your fear with the police.

HE is the vile one. What an utter prick.

Just keep doing what you are doing and he will get Bord! Very quickly! After reading this whole thread, I don’t think he has much interest in seeing his daughter. I do think he has more interest in fighting with you and trying to control you. Did you contact him when she was born or ask him to see her? If so, I wouldn’t go down this route again and just do it your self without him. Sometimes it really isn’t in the best interest of the child to have both parents in their life. He may change, but I doubt it and I speak from experience! By the way, he’s going to loose interest soon and this story will never see a court room, I could bet my last penny on it. He’s to much of a selfish person to actually fight properly for his child. He also hasn’t got a leg to stand on. Good luck and keep us updated, your doing good.🙂❤️

I agree, he's not interested in the wee girl, he just wants to use her as a weapon against you, fortunately he loses patience and shows his true colours very quickly, he's not bright enough to be really dangerous because it's easy to see through him
What he is doing is feeling around to see what he can leverage and use against you

Hold fast OP!!
this is pretty tough but you can come through it:)

Keep all messages, they are rope and can be used to hang him with

focus on the fact that you have a good relationship with your son's dad, he will want his lad to be part of a happy family with a happy sibling so he will also want the best for your daughter
because he's a decent sort