To ask DM if she will track my whereabouts to do it subtly

[trackedbymothership]

Ok I know what you're gonna say, I should never have allowed this in the first place... but DM is one of those that will want a text or call "when you've got home" always, allowing no time for traffic/ stops for food toilet etc or you know just doing normal getting home activities like putting tea on, feeding pets, unloading car etc. A text if not replied to within 5 mins turns in to a call if not answered (not ignored just busy) she'll call DH and if that unanswered again not ignored, landline and of course panic stricken messages left on each.

Soooo as so to avoid this I signed myself and her up to one of those family tracking apps, great I thought !!! She gets a notification straight to her phone when my phones tracked down my street. Sorted !

However I work away a lot for work, sometimes at short notice often a good couple of hours from home. If she's not received prior warning I'll get messages saying... what you doing in Manchester? (for example) and I'll explain... not too bad if it's an isolated event. It it happens most shifts.

The past 48 hours I worked away, originally for one day then another shift in a London borough came up so I found a cheap B and B and stayed over as really need the money. Mums already clocked yesterday's area so I tell her I'll be in London today.

This afternoon she texts me and says, you're not in London you're in Kent!!!!! I say that place is a London borough (backed up with google screenshot saying as such!) but silently rage to myself that I shouldn't have to be justifying my position in the country !

En route home tonight I stop at the local 24 hour supermarket so I don't have to drag DD out to shops tomorrow.

You guessed it...
DM: why have you stopped in x?
I text back, "stopped at supermarket"
I'm in no rush but 20 minutes later...
DM: are you still at supermarket?

So I call her and say half joking stop tracking me !!! Oh I just wanted to see you got home she says, I say that's fine but I'll turn it off if not used for it's original intended use. She apologies and literally hangs up on me.

Then I get a text. "Just checking you got home ok- sorry to be soooo caring. Goodnight"

So she's a lovely person but just over anxious I guess. Worrying about me getting home doesn't bother me but Aibu to not want the constant questions about why I'm places (99.9% always for work anyway !) and if she will follow my whereabouts to do it without me knowing?!

Oh you've probably guessed I've NC for this !

OMG turn it off. It’s intrusive and it’s not lessening her anxiety is it?

You're an adult why on earth is this happening?

When you say she wants a call when you get home do you mean every evening from work or when you have left her to go home?

I will be your Mother! I hope I'm not but I get it. When she asks why you stopped, what she really means is 'are you OK?'. Whilst the tracking apps seem a good idea, I think it be be 'enabling her anxiety which is why I haven't done the same with my teenager (yet)

I think you just need to turn it off. She is becoming obsessed , it's not good for either of you.

You really need to turn the tracking off. It's not good for either of you.

Omg! That app was a bit of a mistake I think. I think it would be easier just to text her ‘Home. X’ as you walk thru the door or pull up on the drive.

By pandering to her, you're letting her feed her anxiety. Turn the tracker off. And stop telling her about your travelling.

I'm over 30
The calls/ texts when we get home are generally when we leave her (approx 90 mins journey) and if she knows I'm away (holidays/day trips and now it appears away work !)
These have stopped since the app though, now it's more she's looking for the hell of it which then means I have to explain where I am...

You gave her this level of contact. How can you be angry at her maintaining that level?
Ffs don't cut her off for using the tools you gave her.
Yabu

You know that feeling when you lose your child for a few seconds in a large play area, when every horrible scenario and panic goes through your head? I think that's what is happening when she sees you have stopped or gone elsewhere. She panics. She may be trying to make it seem light and breezy but the 30 seconds you don't reply to her are agonizing for her.

I don't know the solution, perhaps she needs to work on it herself, but the posts saying 'wtf' seem very closed minded to anxiety

This is really really unhealthy for both of you. And her response is not OK. If this was a boyfriend, we'd be telling you to LTB because it's intrusive and controlling. It still is when it's your mother.

OMG I could not cope, my mum is a no news is good news type thank goodness.

I think you have to have a serious talk with her. And accept tha5 she is going to have a massive strop. How often are you in touch in a normal day including texts?

If she has you tracked surely you can just not reply?

My grandmother was like this with my mum. It didn't help that she lived next door so she could see her comings and goings. It ended up with my mum needing to crawl up her own driveway to leave the house without Granny seeing her! Be warned...

What happens when you have to go somewhere your mum doesn't need to know about, like a doctor's appointment?

@MrsTommyBanks with respect I signed up for her knowing when I came home not to look up where I am constantly.
I would have actually told her that too but she'd hung up ! convo for another day I'd say.

Turn the sounds off so you don’t hear your mums messages?

Get rid of the app. Stop entertaining the intrusive calls and texts.

I've quickly nipped this in the bud with everyone who has tried "let me know when you get home" - my mom, a boyfriend, SIL (all of whom are/were a bit controlling) I don't find it caring, what does it achieve? Odds are I got home fine, it's all about the other person.

It's funny because she's generally lovely and kind I hadn't considered the controlling aspect

Are you an only child?
It is very hard to let any child go. You all leave a huge hole. My middle child (and last to fly the nest) left home this year and it has left me lost tbf.
I don't track her, or even phone her more than once a week. But I get how hard it is to let go.
Just talk to her about how you feel.

I think a conversation is in order... I've said it jokingly in the past but she hasn't listened clearly.
Yes ! only child, me and my DD are literally her world and she's a very kind hearted soul but this level of nosiness to my location is getting intrusive.

She has spent her whole life since you were born protecting you. That will never end. You need a conversation. Please don't cut her off without talking to her

I won't cut her off without speaking to her first. She deserves a chance to drop the habit

Turn it off.

I share my Google calendar with my mum and I find that hard enough. She will say 'I see you've booked something in July, but haven't asked us to babysit, what are your babysitting arrangements?' We will both then have to work out which event in July she was talking about and I will have to explain that I hadn't really thought about babysitting in July, what with it being December now. Last week she asked me why I'd put something about collecting my DC from school on a Sunday. Trawling through our calendars, we eventually found that she'd put something spurious in her calendar. I know it all comes from a good place, but I do feel that my privacy is invaded and I have to work out how to put things like doctors appointments in without her seeing them.

My DM wanted me to share her location with her and was quite offended when I said no. Apparently she would only look at it when we were meant to be meeting up. I am confident that wouldn't be true.