To ask DM if she will track my whereabouts to do it subtly

[trackedbymothership]

Ok I know what you're gonna say, I should never have allowed this in the first place... but DM is one of those that will want a text or call "when you've got home" always, allowing no time for traffic/ stops for food toilet etc or you know just doing normal getting home activities like putting tea on, feeding pets, unloading car etc. A text if not replied to within 5 mins turns in to a call if not answered (not ignored just busy) she'll call DH and if that unanswered again not ignored, landline and of course panic stricken messages left on each.

Soooo as so to avoid this I signed myself and her up to one of those family tracking apps, great I thought !!! She gets a notification straight to her phone when my phones tracked down my street. Sorted !

However I work away a lot for work, sometimes at short notice often a good couple of hours from home. If she's not received prior warning I'll get messages saying... what you doing in Manchester? (for example) and I'll explain... not too bad if it's an isolated event. It it happens most shifts.

The past 48 hours I worked away, originally for one day then another shift in a London borough came up so I found a cheap B and B and stayed over as really need the money. Mums already clocked yesterday's area so I tell her I'll be in London today.

This afternoon she texts me and says, you're not in London you're in Kent!!!!! I say that place is a London borough (backed up with google screenshot saying as such!) but silently rage to myself that I shouldn't have to be justifying my position in the country !

En route home tonight I stop at the local 24 hour supermarket so I don't have to drag DD out to shops tomorrow.

You guessed it...
DM: why have you stopped in x?
I text back, "stopped at supermarket"
I'm in no rush but 20 minutes later...
DM: are you still at supermarket?

So I call her and say half joking stop tracking me !!! Oh I just wanted to see you got home she says, I say that's fine but I'll turn it off if not used for it's original intended use. She apologies and literally hangs up on me.

Then I get a text. "Just checking you got home ok- sorry to be soooo caring. Goodnight"

So she's a lovely person but just over anxious I guess. Worrying about me getting home doesn't bother me but Aibu to not want the constant questions about why I'm places (99.9% always for work anyway !) and if she will follow my whereabouts to do it without me knowing?!

"sorry to be soooo caring"?

That's not caring. Switch it off and tell her why. That's suffocating at best - it sounds completely controlling and obtrusive and inappropriate

I hope she will see your point and adapt. It sounds like she will and can

Yes, do have a conversation. Her level of concern is inappropriate and she's making her anxiety your problem. It's not caring, it's intrusive. Disable the tracking thing, but tell her first.

My only concern is that she'll see it that she's done nothing wrong because she'll think she's caring/ good intentions blah blah and getting her to see reason in these type of situations can be like drawing blood from a stone !

Can but try ! 🤞🏻

All you are doing is feeding her anxiety and paving a road to permanently damage your relationship with her. You are in your 30s, FFS. Take control and stop this insanity.

Oh God d
Please don't listen to the militant fraction
Just keep on the path your experience of your Mum suggests.

She can see it that way if she wants. But nevertheless you're saying no. You're an adult and you're allowed to do that. No need to get her to see reason; just inform her of your decision.

Tell her her level of involvement is damaging. That is ok. And will be the start of a healthier relationship.

Ok well I would be switching it off but I always give my Mum a quick ring to let her know I have got home safe when I leave her. And she does the same with me when she leaves me.

Thank you for everyone's input and reassurance - very much appreciated. Off to bed now. Will attempt chat with Mother this week 😊

trackedbymothership sleep well, and best of luck. I'm
sure you can work this through without losing your Mum.

Fucking hell that app would be my worst nightmare!

As PPs have said, the unintended consequence is that she feels that her anxiety and intrusiveness have been legitimised and normalised in your relationship.

I hope that you are able to talk about it with your DM and agree that she can use it to assess where you are but not to contact you to comment on it or ask follow-up questions. If she can't agree to it or is unable to keep such an agreement then you might need to revisit whether the app. serves any useful purpose for you

She really does need to get a grip. I feel for her being so anxious, but she's living in lala land, you're not her DC in a playground for just SOOO many years.
I don't think any convo will go well, I think she is controlling and will continue with the emotional blackmail (soooo sorry for caring shit).

Be prepared, you dont need to still report to your DM at your age, I'm sorry but its not caring, its control and you just need to let her know you are switching it off,but that doesn't mean you don't love her, just that you can't cope with her tracking you any more and it was a bad idea.

You'll call her at the weekend for a catch up. She needs to take up some hobbies to distract herself and involve herself in her own life a lot more.

She is literally treating you like a tiny child, and won't accept that you have grown up and can manage to stay alive from day to day.

Its very unhealthy

Could the app just be turned on for your long journeys so that she can see when you get home? Off at all other times as it just feeds her anxiety as it's too tempting to not check.

only child, me and my DD are literally her world

She really needs to get a life.
Explain that you're an adult and have been one for quite a while now. Then cancel the app and every time she demands "when you've got home" reply "I'll let you know once I'm actually in and not just through the door", then do exactly that: ignore the panicking until you finished unpacking. She'll learn, eventually.

It's gonna take a while for her to break this control. Don't tell her anything until an agreed catch up, then you can tell her you've been and made it all the way back again alive!

This is the maddest thread I've ever read on here and that's saying something.

Is this for real?

If so you need to tell us more. What was your childhood like?!

So you don't do anything impromptu? Or if you do your ma calls to say what are you up to at the spa, or whatever

As someone with a very anxious mum the more I tried to accommodate her the worse it got. So pleased she doesn’t use apps! I think severe anxiety can be like a drug. Now I can interrupt her convoluted conversations about all the possible dinner options in the world or whatever firmly but kindly. Having more hobbies and making more friends has helped her.

You know that feeling when you lose your child for a few seconds in a large play area, when every horrible scenario and panic goes through your head? I think that's what is happening when she sees you have stopped or gone elsewhere. She panics. She may be trying to make it seem light and breezy but the 30 seconds you don't reply to her are agonizing for her.

Except that the OP isn't a three-year-old child at the playground. And pretending that this level of supervision and monitoring of an adult child is normal is not healthy for either of them. OP, it's feeding your Mum's worry rather than allaying it - which is what happens with anxiety disorders, because the anxiety is not rational or proportionate - and is making your life miserable.

You don't have to be cruel, you can be gentle when you explain it to her, but you do need to switch off the app today. Giving her another chance, or allowing her to continue to track you if she's 'subtle' about it is just reinforcing the idea that this is a normal, acceptable thing for her to want to do. It's not. It's highly dysfunctional. If nothing else, it's going to affect your daughter when your Mum inevitably tries to exert the same level of control over her when she's older.

She needs to tackle her anxiety, and allowing this situation to continue is not helping at all.

You need to talk honestly to your mum about her anxiety.

It doesn't sound like she's being controlling, her anxiety is out of control.

Speak to her and say, "Mum I put the tracker on to help you be less anxious, but it hasn't worked. I'm going to turn it off."

"Are you aware that wanting updates on everything isn't good for you?"

And see if you can work out a system together. Don't get cross with her. If she gets cross just back out of the conversation but don't back down.

Is she doing anything to help with the anxiety? Might mindfulness help?

You say to stop it justajot but you share your calendar!! I cannot get my head around why at all.

I .completely lost with this, are you all children still! I couldn't bear to track my DC and I wouldn't want to pry into their lives enough to want to even see their calendars that's just really really weird.

Their lives are private and its important that they are, even as teens,or especially from teens. Were you never allowed to go anywhere without all this overbearing controlling behaviour?