To ask DM if she will track my whereabouts to do it subtly

[trackedbymothership]

Ok I know what you're gonna say, I should never have allowed this in the first place... but DM is one of those that will want a text or call "when you've got home" always, allowing no time for traffic/ stops for food toilet etc or you know just doing normal getting home activities like putting tea on, feeding pets, unloading car etc. A text if not replied to within 5 mins turns in to a call if not answered (not ignored just busy) she'll call DH and if that unanswered again not ignored, landline and of course panic stricken messages left on each.

Soooo as so to avoid this I signed myself and her up to one of those family tracking apps, great I thought !!! She gets a notification straight to her phone when my phones tracked down my street. Sorted !

However I work away a lot for work, sometimes at short notice often a good couple of hours from home. If she's not received prior warning I'll get messages saying... what you doing in Manchester? (for example) and I'll explain... not too bad if it's an isolated event. It it happens most shifts.

The past 48 hours I worked away, originally for one day then another shift in a London borough came up so I found a cheap B and B and stayed over as really need the money. Mums already clocked yesterday's area so I tell her I'll be in London today.

This afternoon she texts me and says, you're not in London you're in Kent!!!!! I say that place is a London borough (backed up with google screenshot saying as such!) but silently rage to myself that I shouldn't have to be justifying my position in the country !

En route home tonight I stop at the local 24 hour supermarket so I don't have to drag DD out to shops tomorrow.

You guessed it...
DM: why have you stopped in x?
I text back, "stopped at supermarket"
I'm in no rush but 20 minutes later...
DM: are you still at supermarket?

So I call her and say half joking stop tracking me !!! Oh I just wanted to see you got home she says, I say that's fine but I'll turn it off if not used for it's original intended use. She apologies and literally hangs up on me.

Then I get a text. "Just checking you got home ok- sorry to be soooo caring. Goodnight"

So she's a lovely person but just over anxious I guess. Worrying about me getting home doesn't bother me but Aibu to not want the constant questions about why I'm places (99.9% always for work anyway !) and if she will follow my whereabouts to do it without me knowing?!

Wow dcs are teenagers and I wouldn’t dare doing that with them!

I think you are actually fed her need to know where you are by setting the app up.
If she is anxious about you (my mum is too...), she will have got into the habit of checking more and more often.
I suspect she is doing much more often than you think. When you are where she thinks you should be, you dint hear from her but as soon as you aren’t, then her anxiety goes through the roof.
Basically the app is feeding her anxiety.

You need a chat with her about deleting the app. And another chat about boundaries. Maybe like agreeing you will call/text once a day just to check in?
The answer about ‘being so caring’is a copy out and you need to pull her up on that. Caring people don’t do things they know are annoying for others.

Could you say ‘mum, I’m not sure this app thing is working. You’re still stressing. How did you keep Granny informed of your whereabouts when you were in your 30s? Perhaps we can try the same approach?’

Because I bet she didn’t have to do all this for her mum.

tracked - you are right to worry about 'what if you get ill'.

My mother has very similar tendencies to yours, and I have had to wean her off expecting phone calls every night/every time I go out etc. I have also learnt not to tell her anything about my health that she might possibly worry about, but sometimes it is unavoidable. My sister had breast cancer, and trying to manage our mother's emotions and anxiety during her illness (and eventual death) was an additional strain on both my sister and me - I spent more time talking to my sister about what I should/shouldn't tell our mother than really supporting her myself. It ended up being all about her.

She also insisted on flying out to visit me abroad when I had just come out of hospital and just wanted to rest - her constant anxiety about every cough/loo visit/mention of tiredness (in case it was a symptom of the issues returning or worsening) were absolutely the last thing I needed.

This would be my mum. It’s worse when I visit her as it’s as if she almost feels that it’s then her ‘fault’ I’m out on the roads in the first place. She lives 200 miles away and just doesn’t get that on a journey that length there is a fairly wide normal variation on journey times. If found myself having to pull into service stations simply to say ‘don’t worry, traffic heavy, will be later than expected’ or she gets beside herself. Stopping for a coffee or a pee break is a nightmare. She got really upset in the summer as we went on holiday and I forgot to text her the minute the plane landed. I tried pointing out to her that if the plane hadn’t landed safely, she’d have heard. I try to be tolerant and kind about it. She’s 85 and she’s lost two children, I’m on the only one left, and she’s very brave. But it does drive me nuts and I’m very mindful of not doing that to my own dd.

😳 say what? 😳

She’d be under the patio by now. No wayyyyyy could I deal with that.

Delete the APP.

If she says anything, just say ‘You know why, and while we’re talking about it, you need to stop with the hounding. I’m busy, DH is busy, we have DD to look after. Leave a message and I will get back to you when it’s convenient. It is no sooooo caring, it’s ridulous. I’m in my 30’s, not teens, I don’t need constantly checking up on, it HAS to stop’.

Then pull her up every time.

It’s either that or you’ll end up having a huge row & going NC.

Sounds as though this app is feeding her anxiety rather than helping relieve it. She must be looking to see where you are whenever she gets bored/has a moment spare. Maybe she needs some CBT for anxiety, and I'm pretty sure any therapist would want to wean her off checking like this.

Oh yes, exex, the not saying anything about health stuff. Because my mum has lost two children, she worries about every cough I have. I would have a natural tendency to be hyper vigilant about my own health, but I try very hard (to the extent where I’m sometimes dishonest) to keep everything from my mum.

OP has your DM offered to get your DD a phone yet?

Turn it if off! She sounds like my grandma - she’d ring every night at 6 and if my dad wasn’t in she’d be so worried. She’d then ring his office and when there was no answer (because he was on his way home!) she’d ring us again. She was so lovely but I don’t know why she didn’t just wait until 7 to ring / he was always home between 5.30-6.30 ! She would have loved a tracking app.

My mum is exactly like this and it drives me mad. We don't have the tracking app but she messages every day, sometimes several times a day and was getting upset if I didn't answer as she could see I was online (Messenger app). I had to adjust my settings so it no longer showed when I was online. Lots of anxiety if I don't tell her I'm home after a long travel. I'm 37! She regularly tells me she's not slept because she's been worrying about my health or something to do with the kids. No idea what to do!

Her anxiety sounds bad so nothing you do is going to help that (even though the app was a very generous thing for you to do) you cant reassure her, because she is making stuff up in her head that has happened to you.

She needs help but you cant give it to her, you are her daughter and this will take its toll on you if you dont put up some boundaries. She will still love you.
So my advice is to get some counselling, put up some BOUNDARIES and get help with it from the counsellor because your mother will find it uncomfortable. Best wishes.

She needs help with her anxiety but I think you do to, its not healthy or normal to agree to this, and you haven't really explained why you did.

I can totally recognise this - my mum used to be similarly anxious and passive aggressive although, thank goodness, not tech savvy enough to use an app! When I was in my twenties, it got really quite suffocating. She would question me closely on where I was going and what I was going to wear (plus trying stick her oar in and persuade me to wear what she wanted me to wear) so that she could sit at home and picture me. Aaarrgh it really used to give me the creeps and make me angry. I used to think that she didnt have a life of her own or any kind of hobby so I was her hobby. I used to feel that I had organised my life perfectly for myself and it fitted me like a nice jumper but my mother had her head up the back and her arm down one of the sleeves, trying to get into the jumper with me!!

Gradual weening off is the way to go - my mother is now much better apart from if we fly anywhere on holiday. She is frightened of flying so a quick call whilst waiting for the baggage to arrive allays her fears and things are so much better now that I do not begrudge that at all. She tried to start it a bit with my daughter who she is similarly obsessed with but I have nipped that in the bud - if she is going to take time out of her lovely, busy life to call anyone, it will probably be mum not gran and I quickly nixed the idea that she would move house to be near my daughter so she could visit - the quickest way to ruin a relationship is to breed resentment and a feeling of obligation like that!

I agreed to this initially for me ! so I didn't have to deal with texting her when I get home... sorta thought it would be an easy deal, backfired ever so ! 😂

No signs of a mobile for DD yet thank goodness, she's under 5 !

You'll know how often she monitors you by turning your app off.
See how quickly she phones you.
If you're not ready for a full conversation yet you can put it down to a glitch in the app.

Your poor mum
She needs to get involved in volunteering or the WI or something so she can focus on other things. Otherwise she is going to make herself ill with worry. Is this feasible?

I also understand what you mean about the sickness. My first thought when one of the children is ill, 'how will i stop my mother finding out' because i need to protect myself.
Its pretty bad.

All the best.

@Biologifemini I've tried so so hard to get her to join clubs etc as she's always complaining she's by herself but doesn't do anything to meet anyone. She always has an excuse like she doesn't drive or too late after work to walk or get a taxi- she's quite happy to go for drinks with friends or the cinema though !

It's emotional manipulation of you without you noticing.
She's needy and highly, highly insecure. Since you were a small child she has made you responsible for her feelings. To the point where you worry about getting sick because you are so anxious about how she will feel about it.
She has made you take responsibility for her happiness and security in life. You need to hand that back to her every single time.
Talk to her about that App. It's just feeding her insecurity.
Say to her 'I am an adult. You are an adult. We are each responsible for our own lives and our own feelings.'
If she says 'oh but I worry about you so much'. To that you say, 'well you are responsible for those feelings yourself, that's nothing got to do with me. I'm not responsible for how you feel'. If said in an open gentle way that might make her think.

I can understand why that must drive you round the twist.
I'm on the opposite side of it.
My anxiety is crazy and I can never settle until loved ones have let me know they have arrived safely (although I don't track them!! I think that would just make me worry more!!).

Does your mum have a previous bad experience that her anxiety stems from?
Just wondered as mine stems from my mum getting knocked down by a car when I was a child.

@Pinkkittens292 I'm so sorry to hear that. No defining situations that I know of. She's terribly insecure in herself which is why I feel sorry for her as apposed to being angry with her. I might look in to some counselling for her, she might find out stuff about herself she'd never realised that'll help her in the long run :)

The symptom is the need to know about your safety. The diagnosis is anxiety. Easy to fix the symptom (even something like, "Alexa, tell mum I'm home"). Much harder to fix the underlying problem. Yes, how did she communicate with her mum 30 years ago before mobile phones? That could be very helpful for her.
You clearly love your mum a lot, and say several times that she is kind-hearted. But she panics - not because she has lost control, just because she doesn't know what is happening with the people she loves. Love is helping her to conquer the panic, not give in to it. A parent's job is to give their children wings, not chains. But it seems like she hasn't let you fly yet.
Avoid the cliff edge scenario - that will just increase her panic. Better to say, 'Mum, I am driving home. It should take two hours. I will text you within two and half hours, or perhaps earlier if I experience a problem.' Then, little by little you can increase that window, from two and half hours, to three hours, to 'before I go to bed'.

My DH, DD and I have a tracking app. She likes to know we got home and vice versa. If I ever see her somewhere unexpected when I'm looking for DH, I don't mention it. She switched it off for a while and then switched it back on. I didn't question her choice. Can you day to your mum you'll only have your location settings on when travelling home from hers?

Yes I'd have no problem if it was only used to seeing when I got back from hers/long journeys! :)

My family share our locations via tracking apps. It doesn't have to be like this. Explain that so long as she can see you in the app then you are quite safe (and know how to send an alert if you're not). You don't need to answer text messages instantaneously. Ease up on that habit so she becomes accustomed to not expecting an instant response every time. And tell her it's always better to text as she'll definitely get a response (in due course) but you cannot answer a phone call immediately. Honestly, I think you just need to instigate some gentle habit changes. x