To ask DM if she will track my whereabouts to do it subtly

[trackedbymothership]

Ok I know what you're gonna say, I should never have allowed this in the first place... but DM is one of those that will want a text or call "when you've got home" always, allowing no time for traffic/ stops for food toilet etc or you know just doing normal getting home activities like putting tea on, feeding pets, unloading car etc. A text if not replied to within 5 mins turns in to a call if not answered (not ignored just busy) she'll call DH and if that unanswered again not ignored, landline and of course panic stricken messages left on each.

Soooo as so to avoid this I signed myself and her up to one of those family tracking apps, great I thought !!! She gets a notification straight to her phone when my phones tracked down my street. Sorted !

However I work away a lot for work, sometimes at short notice often a good couple of hours from home. If she's not received prior warning I'll get messages saying... what you doing in Manchester? (for example) and I'll explain... not too bad if it's an isolated event. It it happens most shifts.

The past 48 hours I worked away, originally for one day then another shift in a London borough came up so I found a cheap B and B and stayed over as really need the money. Mums already clocked yesterday's area so I tell her I'll be in London today.

This afternoon she texts me and says, you're not in London you're in Kent!!!!! I say that place is a London borough (backed up with google screenshot saying as such!) but silently rage to myself that I shouldn't have to be justifying my position in the country !

En route home tonight I stop at the local 24 hour supermarket so I don't have to drag DD out to shops tomorrow.

You guessed it...
DM: why have you stopped in x?
I text back, "stopped at supermarket"
I'm in no rush but 20 minutes later...
DM: are you still at supermarket?

So I call her and say half joking stop tracking me !!! Oh I just wanted to see you got home she says, I say that's fine but I'll turn it off if not used for it's original intended use. She apologies and literally hangs up on me.

Then I get a text. "Just checking you got home ok- sorry to be soooo caring. Goodnight"

So she's a lovely person but just over anxious I guess. Worrying about me getting home doesn't bother me but Aibu to not want the constant questions about why I'm places (99.9% always for work anyway !) and if she will follow my whereabouts to do it without me knowing?!

Hi op. I’ve not read the whole thread.
I’d sit her down and say

This isn’t working for me, I feel like I’m under a microscope. I’d like you to use the app just to give you information to stop you worrying. Please don’t question me about my whereabouts, I can’t be answering these messages all the time.

Sorry to be sooo caring

This would make me .

I don't understand parents of adults who have zero boundaries, I couldn't live like that. It sounds unbearably suffocating. Just turn off the function, tell her it's not helping her anxiety and have a laugh about it. She will probably have a strop but you can't live like that. Make a joke of her tracking you and say you'll go back to texting her but tell her she needs to chill out a bit.

This is batshit. Turn it off and put her number on mute or something on your phone.

You’re basically being stalked by your own mum.

I am the child of an anxious parent, I am in my early 40s and have spent the past 10-15 years gradually weening my parent off of this kind of monitoring. There was no ill-intent from may parent but it wasn't healthy for either of us and we are both happier for it now.

The trigger for me was having growing children and realising that I wouldn't want them to be watched in this way but even before that my husband helped me gently realise that I was developing my own anxiety because I was worried about what my parent would think if we changed our plans or did something out of our usual and it was clipping my (already modest) wings.

I am now out the other side, I will only message to say I am safe home if it has been a particularly long and unusual journey or if there is very bad weather etc.

I am also now the parent of a young adult who has just come home from university for Christmas. I am having to really think hard about how much to expect from my child in this regard, we compromise and I leave the landing light on when he is out at night and he will turn it off when he gets home so I know he is in, he lets me know his rough plans so I can plan meals etc in the same way my husband and I do with each other. He lets me know when he gets back to university okay and we check in with each other on whatsapp by exchanging silly pictures etc a couple of times a week while he is there.

My parent wanted more frequent contact with my child about what he is up to but I have mediated and stopped that, I think that would have been harder to do if I hadn't already dampened down the monitoring of my own movements.

You don't just need to turn off the app, you need to get it through to her that it's just not reasonable to go into panic mode because you don't answer your phone or respond to a text immediately. Make a deliberate decision to wean her off by delaying answering texts for gradually increasing periods and reminding her of your conversation every time she goes frantic about it.

My DM was exactly like this. One particularly memorable occasion was when she rang me continuously when I was out on a date - I didn't want to tell her where I was because it would have set off a load of questions about who were they, where was I etc. So I ignored the calls.

She called over 20 times within the space of an hour. Fortunately my date (now DH!) was pretty bemused by it, rather than running for the hills. I was over 21, hadn't lived at home since age 18 and was actually based in a different country at the time!

Another mortifying occasion was when I was travelling on a train and hadn't let her know the time of the service and exactly what I planned to do when I got there. Cue a torrent of increasingly hysterical voicemails threatening to contact the British Transport Police if I didn't contact her.
Thank fuck smartphones weren't a thing back then, as had location tracking existed then I've no doubt she would have insisted on using it.

The point is that the more I tried to reassure her, the worse it got. By allowing your Mum to track you, you are enabling her behaviour. It is totally unreasonable to treat you like this.

In my case I ended up completely snapping and going NC with her for 6 months, because it felt like she was suffocating the life out of me.

I'm an only child, and over the years my mum has occasionally tried to get me to tell her when I arrive, or when I get home, etc.

I tell her no, on the grounds that I'm a grown woman with children of her own, who's lived independently for many years and she does not need to be informed of my whereabouts.

Tbf, drawing those boundaries has been a battle. At 23 she reported me missing to the British consul because I didn't call her on the second day of my holiday to Greece (I'd called her on the first day to tell her I'd arrived safely); and at 27 when I was home for a visit and had gone out with friends, she called the police because I wasn't home by midnight. They laughed at her.

stop justifying over anxious stalkerish behaviour its completely NOT normal and is unecessary. Tell her you are turning it off and she is not to contact you about locations unless she has left her house and she is waiting for you to get home. That one is reasonable. You then need to train her regarding the timeframes she allows before contacting her so a good 30 min window is reasonable in my view so keep stretching out when you text so first few times within 5 mins - try and do before you get out of car etc - I have parents that are a bit like this - they don't have much else to do and frankly find it interesting when its really intrusive

straw

DH's side of the family do this and have tracked cousins going into hospital to give birth.

"Oh look, X is at Subway in the hospital. Y must have gone into labour"

If they wanted you to know where they are, they would tell you! Do not bombard them with texts!

Cue everyone texting X asking how Y is and how things are going!

I have told DH that if we are ever in that position I want it turned off. We will let people know what is happening and where we are, when we decide to, not because they are following dots on a map!

God it makes me shudder to think about allowing my family unfettered access to my location!

DH is the only one that has it - and I have his. We use it for commuting and travel purposes and it's very handy when the other one is driving and not able to text/call. It's quite nice to come home after a 300 mile drive and have a cup of tea waiting and dinner almost ready. If he started on with any of this bullshit I'd remove him from it pronto.

You need to find a way to teach her that YOU don't need HER checking up on your whereabouts, That is really unhealthy.

It will be hard.... but might be time for some tough love.... something like... "Look... can we just have a nice phone call, maybe once every 3 days?, you are smothering me!!!!!! "

Wow ! Thank you for all your replies. As I said upthread, I genuinely hadn't considered the controlling aspect. So plenty to think about.
I also hadn't really considered how we'd continue to my 40s 50s 60s?! In the same way or whether she'd start with DD.

I've always said to DH I wouldn't want this for DD.

I don't know the full extent of her tracking, I guess I only know when she asks which appears to be more frequent. It's funny we can actually go days without talking she just appears to have got hung up on me getting home from far away distances.

She is lovely, she has DD for us some weekend days whilst we work and has lent us money in the past. I know these things don't mean she has the right to see where I am always but I struggle to think badly of her. The concept that she's being controlling or nasty is really Alien to me. I'll have to think long and hard about how to put this but the app will have to stop. I think those of you who said it's fed into the anxiety more are right.

She's never been diagnosed with anxiety I just think she is when it comes to me, she's never re-married so doesn't really have anything else to occupy her mind. She also gets anxious every each cough/cold etc of mine/ DD . I once asked her how she'd react if I was actually unwell (cancer etc) she said she wouldn't cope. So it worries me that if I actually became unwell that I'd be expected to look after her and care whilst actually my focus at that point should be myself and DD/DH

I realise the above scenario is totally hypothetical but it is a worry !

This is absolutely insane. You are a grown adult but she's treating you like a 5 year old!

If discussion hasn't worked, I would send her an email/message (so you can set it out clearly without interruption) explaining that it is not appropriate for her to track me, and that it is not reasonable to expect calls within 5 seconds of me arriving home. And then I'd ignore her messages if she persists in doing it. If she panics, that's her own issue, not your fault.

The worst thing you can do is to feed her anxiety which is what this is doing.
I know you did it for all the right reasons but you have to stop.
The tracking device is basically saying to her -I know you are anxious, here is a device that will allow you to really obsess over my whereabouts and give you the means to become even more anxious". I'm not a therapist but I would imagine that anyone with a background in that field would tell you it was the worst thing you could do.
You need to sit down and talk to her and then tell her why you are putting an end to it.

You don’t have to ‘explain where I am’ to your mum. You have chosen to in the past but it doesn’t mean you need to continue. You are doing the right thing in talking to her.

Be frank with her. Tell her you the constant intrusion and the requirement to report to her is getting you down. You are an adult and you love her and you need to live your life without reporting to her like a schoolgirl. For this reason you will be deleting the app and will only answer texts and calls at times that fit in with your life and work. Try to emphasise that you are doing this because she had bought you up to be strong and independent. Maybe add that you think at this stage life she should be relaxing and enjoying herself not worrying over the movements of a grown woman.

Good luck with it.

I think you have to have a serious conversation with her and explain: you gave her the tracking access because you thought it would help her anxiety. However, it seems to have done the opposite. You don't appreciate being tracked to this level so you're going to turn it off - then do actually turn it off. Tell her, gently, that you don't expect lots of calls and messages to replace this. If she starts texting/calling at inconvenient times just let it go to voicemail or send a pre-generated text reply. Still make sure you have a catch up with her once a week though. Before you do the above warn your dad and husband!

I'll tell you how it would be if you were seriously ill...you mother would make it all about her, plague your dh for information, many many MANY times a day, clog the hospital switchboard with calls for information, wangle herself to being on first name terms with the staff in your ward, all the while weeping and wailing to anyone who will listen about how awful it is to be so worried about "your child"

My sibling was seriously unwell a couple of years back and my mother made a huge production of it, tormenting their spouse adding to their stress levels and generally made a huge foolish nuisance of herself

She got a HUGE telling off from me and I am absolutely set on NEVER telling her anything about me ever!
She does only get the information basics anyway and I would not say we had the best relationship, but seeing her behave like that really changed the way I interact with her.

My daughters will call and say We're home if they've been on a long journey and we do the same but apart from that I wouldn't want to stalk them 24 hours a day!

Wow... that’s insane !
Seriously , stop this now . It’s creepy and controlling,you’re a grown woman

Can you encourage her to go to her GP and seek some help for her anxiety? It sounds like it is getting out of control.

My mum does this too

In fact, me, my two sisters and my mum all share our location with each other.

People have expressed shock at this before, but we are a very close family and we have no boundaries so it isn’t an issue for us.

However- my mum doesn’t have anxiety, which may be the issue here. She worries about her kids in the way a normal parent does, and as far as I know she uses it to check we are all safe at home before she goes to sleep for the night (older two 30+ and live in own homes, youngest still at home with her). She also uses it to check we have got home safe from a drive. She has never ever texted to say ‘what are you doing there?’ Or anything like that, and if she started doing what your mum did I would sit her down and tell her to cut it out or I would cut her off.

In this instance it sounds like your mum is slightly obsessed with this app, which may be feeding something unhealthy. Maybe a chat about how you expect her to use it?

Just wanted to offer a differing perspective from someone who doesn’t think it’s totally insane! I know people would think we are mental but it works for us!

" Asking someone to let them know you got home safe is pretty normal "

Not everyday when they are just going about their daily lives, surely?

Do you think CBT might help her anxiety? I mean this kindly because it made all the difference to me when I was in a panic about my DD leaving home. I realise you're older but the feeling must be the same - she needs help to move on to the next stage maybe?

OP - you sound lovely. There are some very strident opinions on here, but I'm sure you will take a gentle approach on your dear mum. The only child/parent relationship is very intense. I speak as a mother of an only daughter who is about 30. No I don't have the tracking app for her, but she tracks me!!!! I should add that I still have all my marbles (?!!!) and have a youngish attitude for a mid 60's lady. It shows her love for me, I think, rather than being controlling. We text every two or three days or so. I'm sure you will manage to work it out without upsetting your mum. Good luck!!!!