To ask DM if she will track my whereabouts to do it subtly

[trackedbymothership]

Ok I know what you're gonna say, I should never have allowed this in the first place... but DM is one of those that will want a text or call "when you've got home" always, allowing no time for traffic/ stops for food toilet etc or you know just doing normal getting home activities like putting tea on, feeding pets, unloading car etc. A text if not replied to within 5 mins turns in to a call if not answered (not ignored just busy) she'll call DH and if that unanswered again not ignored, landline and of course panic stricken messages left on each.

Soooo as so to avoid this I signed myself and her up to one of those family tracking apps, great I thought !!! She gets a notification straight to her phone when my phones tracked down my street. Sorted !

However I work away a lot for work, sometimes at short notice often a good couple of hours from home. If she's not received prior warning I'll get messages saying... what you doing in Manchester? (for example) and I'll explain... not too bad if it's an isolated event. It it happens most shifts.

The past 48 hours I worked away, originally for one day then another shift in a London borough came up so I found a cheap B and B and stayed over as really need the money. Mums already clocked yesterday's area so I tell her I'll be in London today.

This afternoon she texts me and says, you're not in London you're in Kent!!!!! I say that place is a London borough (backed up with google screenshot saying as such!) but silently rage to myself that I shouldn't have to be justifying my position in the country !

En route home tonight I stop at the local 24 hour supermarket so I don't have to drag DD out to shops tomorrow.

You guessed it...
DM: why have you stopped in x?
I text back, "stopped at supermarket"
I'm in no rush but 20 minutes later...
DM: are you still at supermarket?

So I call her and say half joking stop tracking me !!! Oh I just wanted to see you got home she says, I say that's fine but I'll turn it off if not used for it's original intended use. She apologies and literally hangs up on me.

Then I get a text. "Just checking you got home ok- sorry to be soooo caring. Goodnight"

So she's a lovely person but just over anxious I guess. Worrying about me getting home doesn't bother me but Aibu to not want the constant questions about why I'm places (99.9% always for work anyway !) and if she will follow my whereabouts to do it without me knowing?!

That sounds so draining.

I wonder if you could say (firmly) that you gave her permission to use that app in order to quell her excessive anxiety, but as it’s having the opposite effect, and fueling her anxiety in such an unhealthy way that you are deleting the app and will not be able to respond to this type of behaviour in the future.

You could say that although you sympathize with her problems and her anxiety, it’s not fair to make you responsible for it, because you cannot solve it for her. She has to take responsibility for her own feelings as that’s the only way she will be able to quiet those anxious and panicky feelings.

Her need for constant surveillance is not normal, and it’s simply manipulative to pass them off as some kind of virtuous extra special superior kind of mother love!

It’s also a clever way of justifying it, and stopping any need for interpreting further or actually challenging those ideas and actions. After all, you don’t have to change if you’re the perfect mum do you?!

What kind of an app is this? It sounds like something designed for companies to monitor employees' movements/efficiency during working hours or possibly something you'd have so as to be able to check up on an older child and/or vulnerable person in case of emergency.

How can you possibly live an adult life like this? How accurate is it? Does she effectively spy on you by default when you go to the toilet or have sex?

I definitely agree that she needs some hobbies or maybe volunteering to give her the opportunity to focus on her own life. However well or otherwise she brought you up as a child, you are most definitely not a child any more.

To paraphrase (and re-arrange) Meat Loaf: as a healthy adult, you want your parents and you love them - but you don't actually need them. If they think that you do, they clearly can't believe that they've done their job properly.

The app has to go and you need to talk to her and gently TELL her why (not ask if she minds). Just make it clear that you love her dearly, but you're an adult. If you can't look after yourself at 30+, what on earth will happen when you're 60 or 70 and she's no longer around to 'parent' you?

She might think (or claim) that it's coming from a position of caring, but it's very controlling behaviour. It isn't really any different in principle from an abusive partner who feels the need to tell you that you need to lose weight, or dress better, or wear more/less makeup, or follow their advice more - and only because they 'love' you and just want to 'help' you.

Her anxiety is a problem, but it isn't your job to act as an emotional-support 'pet' - not that it seems to actually be working anyway.

It's stifling and no way to live - for either of you. The app needs to go and she needs to seek help before her anxiety completely takes over her life, she finds a replacement target who isn't so willing to comply and she ends up in prison for stalking. If she wants to watch The Truman show, that's absolutely fine - but she most certainly shouldn't be trying to live it in real life.

If this were a husband demanding minute by minute updates from their wife, comments would rightly be a lot more robust. This is not caring. It is controlling. This is not comIng from a place of love. It is coming from a place of control. At best the OP is enabling anxiety. But it is more likely controlling (and the “because I care” text is guilt tripping passive aggression). Drop the rope. Turn off the app. Stop reporting your location. Mute your phone for a few days.

I’ve quickly nipped this in the bud with everyone who has tried "let me know when you get home" - my mom, a boyfriend, SIL (all of whom are/were a bit controlling) I don't find it caring, what does it achieve? Odds are I got home fine, it's all about the other person.

Whaaaat? That’s not controlling! Tracking someone on an app is controlling. Asking someone to let them know you got home safe is pretty normal I wish people would stop throwing out the “controlling” patter when it’s clearly not

Oh my goodness, I had to turn off the last seen thingy on WhatsApp due to my mother using it to check on me but this is beyond unhealthy. It sounds like you need to establish some boundaries with her, for your own sanity and hers. This is easier said than done of course. I actually went to a therapist to navigate this part of my life and highly recommend it.

Its best to turn off and delete the app? Even the having to contact her when you get home is unhealthy. I understand that you and your DD are her world but this behaviour and the subsequent guilt message to you is unreasonable.

Ultimately DM has been wrong in tracking you outside of what the apps initial use was for. Your DM is lucky that you did allow this luxury as you are a fully grown adult.

I agree with PP who states if this was her partner responses would be different as this behaviour is controlling and you should never of had to justify your day to day movements.

Hopefully you don't end up resent the continuing 'checking up behaviour' and your DD doesn't see this as normal with family or relationships when she grows up especially as its such controlling behaviour.

Maybe sit your mum down with a face to face conversation and let her know the affect its had and your concerns about how she must be doing as this perpetual.state of worry must not be very nice for her. I understand we are always children in our parents eyes but you are an adult and mother yourself. Your mum seems to have done a good job with you and you've been very caring to appease her but as hard as it is she also needs to be comfortable with you spreading your wings without it affecting your relationship

Whaaaat? That’s not controlling! Tracking someone on an app is controlling. Asking someone to let them know you got home safe is pretty normal I wish people would stop throwing out the “controlling” patter when it’s clearly not

It's not controlling, but it is kind of egocentric. If somebody is vulnerable or struggling, has any genuine concerns that they've expressed and is leaving your home at 11pm to drive the four hours to their own home, it's a caring, considerate thing to do.

However, if you insist on somebody 'checking in' when they get back, every time they visit, when they leave at 8pm to drive the 15 miles home, that's very weird. What makes it so special that they've gone home after visiting you? Why don't you care about them getting home from work safely the next day, or the next? Or from their family holiday? Why is it all about you?

Asking someone to let them know you got home safe is pretty normal

Panicking if you don't let them know the moment you opened the door is not normal.

@squaksquak

Just to be clear, that was a generic 'you' when talking about some people who obsess over this - I wasn't accusing you of doing that

You need to have a good chat with her about how intrusive she's being! I'm close to my parents, but not to that extent. I'd be cancelling or restricting that app.

They like to know I'm home late of an evening, as does DP and vice versa, but I don't get interrogations about why I'm in tesco on the way home at 5:30 in broad daylight. You do have my sympathy about literally not being 5min over though. I live opposite my local station, they know roughly how long train journeys take me & that it is maybe 5 min on tops from getting off for me to get in my 2nd floor flat. God forbid I prioritise dumping heavy bags, kicking off uncomfy shoes or ripping off uncomfy or hot clothes or having the wee I've held in for ages before texting "home" if it's a late one. I know they love me but sometimes I just HAVE to do something first. I also lose things easily due to dyspraxia so I'm having to train them into a 15 minute window of text as weeing plus not losing my inevitably randomly dumped door keys (wee trumps all and key dumping is one of my few dyspraxia slip ups that seems to get past my coping mechanisms if I'm not concentrating) has to come first.

Yikes! Turn the app off! You're feeding the insanity!

Yeah but no one is saying that when you ask someone to let you know they’re home safe you’re “obsessing”

It’s pretty standard after a night out if we’re getting in taxis, my friends and I will ask each other to let folk know we’re home safe on whatsapp.

I work away quite a bit and attend client dinners and my husband will say “let me know you’re back in the hotel safe”

I just assume these people care rather than they’re controlling me.

Christ you only have to look at the likes of poor Grace Millane and you realise how many creeps and weirdos are out there. I’m glad I’ve got friends and family who care about me.

Glad they don’t track me on an app though 😂😂

No its not normal telling someone every time you get home that you're home safe

Worry about all the people that think this is normal somehow.

How to give somebody bloody anxiety wtaf!

My only concern is that she'll see it that she's done nothing wrong because she'll think she's caring/ good intentions blah blah and getting her to see reason in these type of situations can be like drawing blood from a stone !

Don't try to get her to see reason. You are dealing with someone irrational.

Just tell her you are sorry to hurt her feelings, you appreciate she does it out of love, but you are not willing to pretend any longer that you are comfortable with the checking up. Tell her you are deleting the app, and that there is more...

Tell her that in fact you have reached the far limits of your patience with not just the app problem but also the rest of the constant checking up and the need for reassurance on her part that you are at your destination, and that while you want nothing more than a great relationship with her, and a great relationship between her and your DD, that cannot happen while this thing stands between you.

Tell her that your wish going forward is a relationship based on mutual respect and mutual consideration, that you hope this is her wish too, and that this will involve her stopping what she is doing and on your part you being willing to put all of this behind you and embark on a fresh start.

If she cries/complains/remonstrates/attempts manipulative sulking/accusations of cold-heartedness or cruelty or lack of gratitude to the mother who bore you, tell her you are very sorry she feels that way.

Do not say any more, especially sentences beginning 'Yes I know you are sad/angry/gobsmacked but surely you can see that what you are doing is bonkers..? Because this only gets you stuck in a circular conversation that will do your head in.

What you want to use is sentences beginning with "I".
I feel frustrated, ignored, angry, pressured, irritated.
I can't deal with the checking up any more.
I have lost my patience.
I want you to respect my wishes.

You can ask her if she is willing to respect your wishes, and say that you have gone along for years with hers - you have answered texts and calls and so has DH - but that it has become a big problem that is now coming between you, so you hope she will respect your wishes, as you hope she wants a good relationship just as much as you do.

The big guns, to be pulled out if she continues to be unreasonable and manipulative, is to offer to research counsellors in her area who can help her deal with her anxiety problem.

After you use the big guns you need to end the conversation. You can urge her to think it all over as you put on your coat. Tell her you will not be answering any text or call from her when you get home and neither will your DH.

And do not agree to any compromise, because this will not work. She has to get a grip, and zero tolerance on your part is the only way to help her shift into a more healthy relationship with you and lifestyle for her.

@squaksquak did you miss this part of the OP? Does that sound like caring?

"DM is one of those that will want a text or call "when you've got home" always, allowing no time for traffic/ stops for food toilet etc or you know just doing normal getting home activities like putting tea on, feeding pets, unloading car etc. A text if not replied to within 5 mins turns in to a call if not answered (not ignored just busy) she'll call DH and if that unanswered again not ignored, landline and of course panic stricken messages left on each."

Can you only have ittuemd on for the duration of your journey home from hers, and have it turned off the rest of the time?

The problem you now have is that she has an awareness of the extent of your travelling around, which she might not have had before, and which might need managing.

Meh, highlight fail.

A text if not replied to within 5 mins turns in to a call if not answered (not ignored just busy) she'll call DH and if that unanswered again not ignored, landline and of course panic stricken messages left on each.

It sounds like you may have increased her anxiety by giving her more information to be concerned about. Now she can look to see where you are at any time so she feels like she ought to. And when you are not exactly where she expects she has to check in with you to find out what's changed.

It's controlling her as well as you.

You need a talk with her, suggest she talk to her GP about her anxiety but in any case, you need to wean her off the app and you need to stop calling her to let her know you've got where ever you are going OK. This isn't good for her.

While I sympathise with your mother (I only have my dd and my dgd, who has been sick with a mysterious bug for three weeks now and I'm starting to panic), I really think you have to be much more strict with her.

I know myself, you worry more about someone who is always in contact not being in contact than you do about someone who is normally erratic. You've got to train to see you as normally erratic.

My mum is a little like this but only in really bad weather and she knows were driving etc she likes to know we've got to work and got home again, we're all over 30, she also likes to know our dh's are ok. But constantly would drive me up the wall.

Is your Mum Jenny Bradley?

This would be my mother if I let her.

Not healthy for you not healthy for her.

Stop the app it's strange and not normal. Compromise by sending her a text at night saying goodnight. A couple of phone calls per week is enough. You don't have to go nc because you can control this. Ignore texts and calls until you're free to reply like you would anyone else.

My Mum has anxiety. She is much better if I don't pander to her and call her every day/update her on every single thing in my life.

I would kill the app. Explain what you are doing and why but don't get into a conversation about it. You have made your decision. End of.

She needs to get a life.