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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner expecting me to buy Christmas gifts for his entire family as well as our mutual friends.

233 replies

giadak · 17/12/2018 04:35

Hi all. I'm in a dilemma here - if you can call it that. I'm not overly close to my family - largely because I don't have a big family - and the remaining members have either moved/have their own families etc... There's no ill will, but we are just different.

I've been with my partner for 6-7 years. I always spend Christmas with my parents and he goes to spend Christmas with his family in the countryside. His family is larger and he has lots of elderly relatives, so we both think it is important that he spends time with them - and I spend time with my family. We have our own mini Christmas too obviously, but usually on Boxing Day. I have been to his side of the family, but around Christmas time as opposed to the actual day (25th) as I like to be back in the city by then.

Anyway; I like to plan gifts - as in make a list of gift recipients, figure out what I want to get for them, then shop online - or if I can't get it online; I'll go out and buy it. Saves a lot of time and hassle. We did the list together this year - and all was fine. We then started to shop online on both our laptops respectively.

He then blurted out that he's willing to buy the gifts for his Mum and Dad, but I should buy the gifts for his sister, his brother, his brother's wife, his nephew and his grandparents.

He sent me a list of things that they'd like - but I'm unsure as to what exactly he is contributing. He has a LOT of his own money - and I'm good with money on too. However; he feels that because I'm 'better' at gift-buying that he's going to leave it all to me. The total cost of the gifts that I'm 'supposed' to buy round up to around £700 whereas the cost of 'his' gifts came up to £200.

Bear in mind; I'm not even spending upwards of £700 on myself nor my own family members! Also, I'm not overly close to his family. I understand that he wants the gifts to be from both of us, but he's not buying a single thing for my family members - nor has he asked me what I'd like this year - which is frankly nothing at this point.

AIBU to think it's outrageous to spend so much on his family?!

No doubt I'll be left to do all the wrapping, writing the cards etc... whilst his 'job' is done and dusted for the year.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 17/12/2018 17:38

I get why you said no.

I don’t get why you didn’t dump him at the same time.

Or at least, when he gave you grief about you having attitude towards his family!

What a dick he his.

Anniegetyourgun · 17/12/2018 17:49

The thing I'm wondering is why it took him a whole 7 years to build up to this level of CFery.

DragonSnaps · 17/12/2018 18:03

Fuck me!! I thought it was bad that you were expected to go out of your way to choose gifts for his family, but he expects you to do that AND pay for them too????!!!! NO EFFING WAY!!!!

HeebieJeebies456 · 17/12/2018 18:16

He feel's rather entitled to your money doesn't he?

I hope you've split the bills he pays in proportion to income otherwise he's taking the piss out of you there as well..........

RomanyRoots · 17/12/2018 18:24

Is he so useless with everything?
end the list back saying he must be mistaken and that a vagina doesn't make you a good shopper it's practice and he needs to start as he is behind normal adults if he can't manage a few presents.
I'd also want to know if he expected me to pay for his family presents, if so I'd be out of there.

madcatladyforever · 17/12/2018 18:30

i would already have dumped him by now. I hate men who take the piss.

RomanyRoots · 17/12/2018 18:31

Perhaps he's a good shag and OP is happy to be a mug and has no desire to ltb.

AmateurSwami · 17/12/2018 18:34

What’s he done every other year?

Obviously you’d be an idiot to do as he asks but a group of internet strangers can’t particularly sway you.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 17/12/2018 18:35

Perhaps he's a good shag and OP is happy to be a mug and has no desire to ltb.

Nah selfish and mean people tend not to be great in the sack either - selfish in bed too. Life’s too short for putting up with cocklodgers like this.

AmateurSwami · 17/12/2018 18:47

Op, don’t even say no, just don’t engage when he talks about it. Then his family get big fat nothing. Hopefully this won’t be your problem as you’ll have dumped him by then

Jackiebrambles · 17/12/2018 19:03

Holy god. Wtf.

He's not a good guy op, stop wasting your precious life on him.

MrsTommyBanks · 17/12/2018 19:17

Nothing here makes sense. I can't understand his thinking at all.

GabriellaMontez · 17/12/2018 19:30

His expectations are just bizarre! Really strange.

GreatWesternValkyrie · 17/12/2018 19:42

I’ve read it and re-read it but I cannot understand how he thinks this is a justifiable and reasonable expectation - if ever tells you that Op, please do share it with us, I think we’d all love to hear it (not the “you love Christmas” present buying guff but the rationale for you funding his Christmas gift giving!)

Meanwhile, in la la land...
*I’d source every item and send him the link via text with the price. Put at the end of the text the total. Say if your happy for me to go ahead please transfer me the funds to cover presents for your family and get them next day delivery.

It puts it back onto him and you can select HIS name on the arriving parcel, which will reinforce that your part ( pressing buy on amazon) is done.

Set up a wrapping station too and leave him to it*

Yes, this SO puts it back onto him

FinallyHere · 17/12/2018 20:38

how he thinks this is a justifiable and reasonable expectation

He doesn't think about how reasonable it is, he is trying to see what he can get away with.

I would not find someone like that attractive; I would not want them as part of my life.

PsychedelicSheep · 17/12/2018 22:31

What the fuck did I just read?! Confused

Holidayshopping · 17/12/2018 22:40

So he’s been normal and lovely and generous for 6 years, but then springs this on you?

PersonaNonGarter · 17/12/2018 22:41

I agree with everyone who is saying this is weird: this is weird.

BerylStreep · 17/12/2018 22:57

Where's the op?

SeaWitchly · 17/12/2018 23:17

No dilemma here. I'd say "yes that's fine just give me your card and I'll put the orders through for you online, they charge X amount for gift wrapping". And if he doesn't hand it over just laugh and refuse to do it.

Why would you even do this for him? Confused

Motoko · 18/12/2018 10:36

I suspect OP's upset at all the incredulous comments asking why she didn't laugh in his face, etc. For all we know, she could be in an abusive relationship, and her boundaries have been skewed so much that she doesn't know what's normal anymore.

Many women in abusive relationships don't realise they're in one, it's just become the norm. To be told that this is so far from normal (and in such a disparaging way) can be upsetting.

Of course, she might not be in an abusive relationship, but this man seems to think it's quite acceptable to tell his partner to buy and pay for his families presents, to the tune of £700, and has accused her of having an attitude because she said no. That's coercive control right there. (If she doesn't want him to call her names, and be all huffy, she'll do as he says, without complaining.)

CottonTailRabbit · 18/12/2018 13:01

I agree motoko and she said it was inevitable that she'd end up doing the wrapping etc, like she thought that was a normal situation and a normal reaction to him. Must be a shocker to realise most other women go, What? Eh? No. Nothing should be inevitable or awkward about that. You just don't do it. You don't even think about doing it. What's going on with you that you are thinking this way?

WilburforceRaven · 18/12/2018 15:48

They don't operate as a partnership, except when it comes to his not paying his fair share despite his having, by her admission, 'LOTS of his own money', that he hasn't bothered asking her if she'd like anything, then this. So yeah, I'd say it's a financially abusive relationship/cocklodger and here's hoping hte scales are falling from her eyes and she's not gone and bought his fucking presents.

HollowTalk · 18/12/2018 15:55

My head has nearly exploded reading this thread.

OP, you do realise he's using you, don't you?

I can understand him saying "What shall I get for X, Y or Z? I can spend £X on each" - you may well have a better idea than he has.

To just give you a clickable list which you have to pay for is absolutely outrageous.

Now come on, tell us how much he pays out of your bills. I'm reckoning on hardly anything.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 18/12/2018 16:04

He then blurted out that he's willing to buy the gifts for his Mum and Dad, but I should buy the gifts for his sister, his brother, his brother's wife, his nephew and his grandparents
Errrr. No.

No. Fucking. Way