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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner expecting me to buy Christmas gifts for his entire family as well as our mutual friends.

233 replies

giadak · 17/12/2018 04:35

Hi all. I'm in a dilemma here - if you can call it that. I'm not overly close to my family - largely because I don't have a big family - and the remaining members have either moved/have their own families etc... There's no ill will, but we are just different.

I've been with my partner for 6-7 years. I always spend Christmas with my parents and he goes to spend Christmas with his family in the countryside. His family is larger and he has lots of elderly relatives, so we both think it is important that he spends time with them - and I spend time with my family. We have our own mini Christmas too obviously, but usually on Boxing Day. I have been to his side of the family, but around Christmas time as opposed to the actual day (25th) as I like to be back in the city by then.

Anyway; I like to plan gifts - as in make a list of gift recipients, figure out what I want to get for them, then shop online - or if I can't get it online; I'll go out and buy it. Saves a lot of time and hassle. We did the list together this year - and all was fine. We then started to shop online on both our laptops respectively.

He then blurted out that he's willing to buy the gifts for his Mum and Dad, but I should buy the gifts for his sister, his brother, his brother's wife, his nephew and his grandparents.

He sent me a list of things that they'd like - but I'm unsure as to what exactly he is contributing. He has a LOT of his own money - and I'm good with money on too. However; he feels that because I'm 'better' at gift-buying that he's going to leave it all to me. The total cost of the gifts that I'm 'supposed' to buy round up to around £700 whereas the cost of 'his' gifts came up to £200.

Bear in mind; I'm not even spending upwards of £700 on myself nor my own family members! Also, I'm not overly close to his family. I understand that he wants the gifts to be from both of us, but he's not buying a single thing for my family members - nor has he asked me what I'd like this year - which is frankly nothing at this point.

AIBU to think it's outrageous to spend so much on his family?!

No doubt I'll be left to do all the wrapping, writing the cards etc... whilst his 'job' is done and dusted for the year.

OP posts:
Authenticcelestialmusic · 17/12/2018 07:52

He sent you a list of what they would like. The only thing he didn’t do was press buy and enter his card details. That’s not allowing you to enjoy Xmas by choosing for them that’s him being a skinflint cf!

Buy for your family, he buys for his. I’d ignore him and assume he was joking.

WilburforceRaven · 17/12/2018 07:54

He has more money than you but you pay the lion's share of everything. He tried to extract £700 from and your time and effort and when you said no he get arsey.

You are in a financially abusive relationship with a cunt who is, I'm guessing, emotionally abusive, too.

He's a cunt, OP. And you are currently paying to live with him.

That's so sad and desperate it's pitiful.

Give your head a wobble. Google Emotional Abuse and Financial Abuse, get to the RElationships board on here and get free of this complete and utter TWAT.

And stay firm. He is a dickhead who treats you like shit. Don't buy all hte presents. Fuck him.

'You have an attitude towards my family.'

'Nope, I'm just not going to enable you to skive out of your duty to them.' And repeat.

And we already know he gives you jack shit for Christmas because 'he doesn't understand that women like to receive gifts'. No, dear, it's because he's a tight, miserly, miserable, abusive wankbadger.

ISdads · 17/12/2018 07:58

Just don't ever get married. When you divorce you will have to give him half everything. What a loser.

Clutterbugsmum · 17/12/2018 07:58

With that said, there's always someone running around and getting the food ready etc... always family dramas or last minute panic too. Traffic, illnesses, issues etc... you name it - it all also occurs around this time of year. These things happen to all of us. That's no excuse this shit happens in every family.

I'd Email him back that they all look good and tell him to order them.

MsJolly · 17/12/2018 08:02

wilbur hit the nail on the head!

Janedoughnut · 17/12/2018 08:03

WilburforceRaven

I'm financially better off than he is - and he knows this, but I'm also not an ATM!

autumnboys · 17/12/2018 08:03

Don’t do it! I feel gradually into this trap over a number of years, but in the last few started to withdraw my labour. DH buys and wraps his own families presents, writes and posts the cards for his side of the family. He doesn’t like online shopping much, so this weekend he hit the shops with our 9yo in tow to get it done. I have told him I’m not ‘popping to the post office’ with his presents as I have done in previous years, as it takes hours, so it I’ll be interesting to see how he handles that. But not my problem. Don’t make this your job.

daisychain01 · 17/12/2018 08:06

With that said, there's always someone running around and getting the food ready etc... always family dramas or last minute panic too. Traffic, illnesses, issues etc... you name it - it all also occurs around this time of year. These things happen to all of us

Running around and getting stressed out over Christmas is, I'm pleased to say, a choice people make. Many people on here, me included, choose not to be put upon by family, partners, friends who try to suck the life out. It is possible to just say no, and it is just one simple word.

Try it on your partner, if you say no he has time to organise presents for his family and not pass the buck to you, including the expense.

autumnboys · 17/12/2018 08:07

Oops just caught up. Well done, OP! Maybe take the time over Christmas to think about whether you really need this in your life. Very true, the PP that said you are someone’s true colours when you say no to them.

AlexaShutUp · 17/12/2018 08:07

Wow! Glad you said no, OP.

Nanny0gg · 17/12/2018 08:09

Have you asked him why he expected you to pay for them?

TheFatberg · 17/12/2018 08:10

I can't get over why he's left it so late too!

ReadMyLipss · 17/12/2018 08:12

What you describe is so far from a normal relationship that I am truly amazed that some people put up with this shit.

From your other posts this doesn't even sound like one single incident in isolation, but a pattern of behaviour from him that you clearly put up with!

Why do so many women have such low standards??

DeepanKrispanEven · 17/12/2018 08:14

So you have "an attitude" about his family for not wanting to buy and pay for their presents, but, although he he doesn't want to do it, he doesn't have an attitude about them? Does he even begin to understand how totally illogical that is?

Jamiefraserskilt · 17/12/2018 08:16

If you like gift shopping and you have time then ask him to transfer the boonas and keep receipts.
If you simply are not prepared to get into his responsibilities as well as yours then point him at Amazon and go for the gift wrap option.
Frankly, to reward you by allowing you to fulfil his shopping request because he cannot be arsed himself is ridiculous. Under no circumstances would I be doing it and I certainly would not be wrapping and card writing for him either. If They aren't wrapped by the day then that is his problem.
Move on this one and repent at will. Slippery slope, lovely, slippery slope.

Kardashianlove · 17/12/2018 08:17

Yes, there are things that I understand better than him - for example one of those being things that women would like to receive as a gift. For example; his sister is into skincare - and he's clearly not.

Don’t let him make you think you are ‘better’ than him at buying presents! I’m sure he can figure out what ‘women’ like as gifts, the same as you can work out what ‘men’ like as gifts. Or if he’s unsure what to get a particular recepiant (woman or man), he can ask them, ask a family member, ask you for advice.

The fact that he asked you to do this and the way he has asked you shows he has very little respect for you.

ltk · 17/12/2018 08:17

If you're going to say no, then tell him the real reasons: you are not his PA to run about buying and wrapping for his family, you find his request and subsequent tantrumming disrespectful, and you are not willing to take the financial hit. Don't just say you don't have the time or money.

Frankly I think a symptomatic problem is that you spend Christmas apart after 7 years together. You say you love Christmas; and you ideally would love spending it with him. But you don't want that. You'd rather be with your family. You might want to start digging into why. Why isn't HE your family after all this time.

KeiTeNgeNge · 17/12/2018 08:20

Cocklodger. I’d start looking at a fairer split for expenses

Kewcumber · 17/12/2018 08:23

Would he stay with you if you stopped paying for more than your share?

Would he buy your family Xmas presents if you asked him too?

I have been in a long term financially unequal relationship and paid for more than half so I know it can work but not if one of you (hint: HIM) takes the piss and then gets arsey about you not being doormattish enough.

ThanosSavedMe · 17/12/2018 08:23

I hope you told him that he was the one with the attitude problem. CF

youcanthaveitchyteeth · 17/12/2018 08:23

'D'P
Please shove the attached list up your arse you cheeky fucker and buy your own Christmas gifts.
Regards
OP

daisychain01 · 17/12/2018 08:26

How can you find someone attractive and want to share your life with them who not only tries to con you out of £700, put you to all the hassle and then insults you when you stand up to them.

You deserve much better.

eggsandwich · 17/12/2018 08:27

Wow, just Wow!!!

Well the cheeky Fucker of the year award goes to your partner.

Snog · 17/12/2018 08:30

Yes, struggling to see why you would be in a relationship with someone like this.
It's HIS attitude that YOU should have a problem with.

eggsandwich · 17/12/2018 08:32

Can I ask, does he contribute towards your family’s presents or does it only go one way?