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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner expecting me to buy Christmas gifts for his entire family as well as our mutual friends.

233 replies

giadak · 17/12/2018 04:35

Hi all. I'm in a dilemma here - if you can call it that. I'm not overly close to my family - largely because I don't have a big family - and the remaining members have either moved/have their own families etc... There's no ill will, but we are just different.

I've been with my partner for 6-7 years. I always spend Christmas with my parents and he goes to spend Christmas with his family in the countryside. His family is larger and he has lots of elderly relatives, so we both think it is important that he spends time with them - and I spend time with my family. We have our own mini Christmas too obviously, but usually on Boxing Day. I have been to his side of the family, but around Christmas time as opposed to the actual day (25th) as I like to be back in the city by then.

Anyway; I like to plan gifts - as in make a list of gift recipients, figure out what I want to get for them, then shop online - or if I can't get it online; I'll go out and buy it. Saves a lot of time and hassle. We did the list together this year - and all was fine. We then started to shop online on both our laptops respectively.

He then blurted out that he's willing to buy the gifts for his Mum and Dad, but I should buy the gifts for his sister, his brother, his brother's wife, his nephew and his grandparents.

He sent me a list of things that they'd like - but I'm unsure as to what exactly he is contributing. He has a LOT of his own money - and I'm good with money on too. However; he feels that because I'm 'better' at gift-buying that he's going to leave it all to me. The total cost of the gifts that I'm 'supposed' to buy round up to around £700 whereas the cost of 'his' gifts came up to £200.

Bear in mind; I'm not even spending upwards of £700 on myself nor my own family members! Also, I'm not overly close to his family. I understand that he wants the gifts to be from both of us, but he's not buying a single thing for my family members - nor has he asked me what I'd like this year - which is frankly nothing at this point.

AIBU to think it's outrageous to spend so much on his family?!

No doubt I'll be left to do all the wrapping, writing the cards etc... whilst his 'job' is done and dusted for the year.

OP posts:
Snowydaysaregreat · 17/12/2018 08:33

I do all the choosing of gifts for literally everyone.. Simply because I enjoy doing it.. In fact I love it. And i pick things up when I see them.. I even do his family and friends. However I always use his card even for my familys stuff.
And he's open that he doesn't actually choose them.
But if for any reason I don't want to anymore, can't or won't. Then he'd do it

We were having a laugh the other night saying he will be just as surprised as the kids as he can't remember what I've picked up for them.. I love it that way

WilburforceRaven · 17/12/2018 08:37

eggs, she said he doesn't contribute a bean to her family's gifts or even buy a gift for her.

Original poster
giadak · 17/12/2018 08:37

@eggsandwich He certainly doesn't contribute to gifts to any of my family members. I literally laughed out loud at the mere thought.

Basically I told him the truth despite what people may think. I genuinely told him the truth.

In fairness; I know he's purchased gifts for his own family members - but that's to be expected surely...?

I'd gladly buy gifts for them of my OWN accord, but I'm not signing both names on the gifts unless they truly are from both of us.

OP posts:
AmaryllisNightAndDay · 17/12/2018 08:37

The magic of Christmas is generosity. Generosity with time to wrap presents, with money to buy presents, with thought to choose presents. What is he being generous with?

If he can't be generous himself, there's no magic. You can't do it all for him and you are only killing the magic if you try.

GreenHillOpposite · 17/12/2018 08:37

So you were always going to say 'no' and never had any intention of doing his shopping... so what is the thread for? (I don't mean that in a snarky way!).

elQuintoConyo · 17/12/2018 08:38

There is nothing unsexier than a stingy man. Just so unattractive.

If he keeps throwing shit about attitude at you or blaming you for him having left it so late he'll obviously now be buying Boots 2x1 rubbish, just repeat the mantra: grow up!

It isn't like Christmas just sneaks up on anyone! "We buy for our own families. I am not organising yours or spending £700. Jog on."

Peace and strength OP. He sounds like a prize wazzock you need to be distancing yourself from in the new year Flowers

honeylulu · 17/12/2018 08:38

I'm confused about his accusations of "attitude". Is he buying/ choosing/ wrapping presents for your family? Or not, does he consider himself to have "an attitude" regarding them?

fuzzyduck1 · 17/12/2018 08:40

Order them all socks from amazon and get them to gift wrap then

F1ame · 17/12/2018 08:40

I don’t know why you’re giving this a second’s thought OP. Just say no and laugh.

WilburforceRaven · 17/12/2018 08:40

giadak, why aren't you telling yourself the truth about your financially abusive twat of a boyfriend?

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 17/12/2018 08:40

Tell him that’s wife work, and you’re not a wife. Unless you think that might prompt him to propose, because you do not want to be saying yes to a lifetime of this.

UnicornSlaughters · 17/12/2018 08:45

Cheeky Fucker alert 🚨

notapizzaeater · 17/12/2018 08:46

Wow, you pay and then she gets all the glory. Glad you've told him.!

Grannyannex · 17/12/2018 08:48

How did you tell him no and what did he respond with.

Just don’t do it. If he fails let it fall apart. Don’t rescue him with gift buying or wrapping because you’ll be making a rod for your own back long term.

Littleraindrop15 · 17/12/2018 08:49

Can he not give you his card to make his purchases?

I love choosing prrsents so that part wouldn't bother me however i would also ask for the card 💳

Anticlockwatcher · 17/12/2018 08:49

I can't believe you told him you were too busy! You should have told him 'im not spending seven hundred fucking quid' for a bunch of tacky tat just so you can make yourself look like the big man with your family. You utter pillock.'

Engorged · 17/12/2018 08:49

Have yourself an early Christmas gift and get rid of the dead weight OP.

VeganCow · 17/12/2018 08:51

Why exactly are you with this freeloading nob?

HandsOffMyRights · 17/12/2018 08:52

In fairness; I know he's purchased gifts for his own family members - but that's to be expected surely...?

Of course it's 'to be expected'. Why are you even questioning that?
Now stop enabling him and tell him "no." He's taking the piss big style.

Expecting this story to be picked up by a lazy journalist. Maybe your partner will recognise himself!

BrendasUmbrella · 17/12/2018 08:53

Don't even do his wrapping. And start putting down some firm boundaries. You mentioned more than once that he earns more than you. Did you get into this dynamic through proving to him that you pay your way? Because he's taking advantage of you just as much as a man with a lower income than you could.

Nothisispatrick · 17/12/2018 08:54

Wow he sounds like a real catch op.

timeisnotaline · 17/12/2018 08:54

So he’s lazy, stingy, entitled and thinks you’re the domestic help /personal assistant. Have I missed something?
You seem to be giving him credit for having got some gifts for his family op. You don’t give people credit for meeting minimum standards , it’s a threshold for being in a relationship with them. Other minimum standards I have (as well as not taking on the load for dhs family) are getting a gift and thoughtfully written card from him for Christmas. He knows that any presents I get him are going back / to someone else if he can’t do that.

Just to state the obvious I also expect him to pull his weight in childcare and housework , including cooking. So he did most of our mini Christmas roast yesterday, knowing I had bought (joint finances) all the dc presents.

gamerchick · 17/12/2018 08:55

I'm glad you've said no. I would also say to him when he gets back there's going to be a conversation happening about his financial contribution into the house. He's shown you that he thinks you're a mug. Get the right fistee twat to pull some coin out of his pocket.

CupsAndPentacles · 17/12/2018 08:59

glad you said no OP. You will get all the information you need now.

He has a nerve accusig you of havig an attitude towards his family! He must also have an attitude towards his family then by that rationale.

whispertomegently · 17/12/2018 09:00

Id source every item and send him the link via text with the price. Put at the end of the text the total. Say if your happy for me to go ahead please transfer me the funds to cover presents for your family and get them next day delivery.

It puts it back onto him and you can select HIS name on the arriving parcel, which will reinforce that your part ( pressing buy on amazon) is done.

Set up a wrapping station too and leave him to it.

I do similar with my husband, although with us it's interchangeable. I'll buy for his family and he transfers money to my account same day. He buys for my family (tech stuff) and I transfer the money. I wouldn't dream of asking him to pay for all the gifts I give to extended family.

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