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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner expecting me to buy Christmas gifts for his entire family as well as our mutual friends.

233 replies

giadak · 17/12/2018 04:35

Hi all. I'm in a dilemma here - if you can call it that. I'm not overly close to my family - largely because I don't have a big family - and the remaining members have either moved/have their own families etc... There's no ill will, but we are just different.

I've been with my partner for 6-7 years. I always spend Christmas with my parents and he goes to spend Christmas with his family in the countryside. His family is larger and he has lots of elderly relatives, so we both think it is important that he spends time with them - and I spend time with my family. We have our own mini Christmas too obviously, but usually on Boxing Day. I have been to his side of the family, but around Christmas time as opposed to the actual day (25th) as I like to be back in the city by then.

Anyway; I like to plan gifts - as in make a list of gift recipients, figure out what I want to get for them, then shop online - or if I can't get it online; I'll go out and buy it. Saves a lot of time and hassle. We did the list together this year - and all was fine. We then started to shop online on both our laptops respectively.

He then blurted out that he's willing to buy the gifts for his Mum and Dad, but I should buy the gifts for his sister, his brother, his brother's wife, his nephew and his grandparents.

He sent me a list of things that they'd like - but I'm unsure as to what exactly he is contributing. He has a LOT of his own money - and I'm good with money on too. However; he feels that because I'm 'better' at gift-buying that he's going to leave it all to me. The total cost of the gifts that I'm 'supposed' to buy round up to around £700 whereas the cost of 'his' gifts came up to £200.

Bear in mind; I'm not even spending upwards of £700 on myself nor my own family members! Also, I'm not overly close to his family. I understand that he wants the gifts to be from both of us, but he's not buying a single thing for my family members - nor has he asked me what I'd like this year - which is frankly nothing at this point.

AIBU to think it's outrageous to spend so much on his family?!

No doubt I'll be left to do all the wrapping, writing the cards etc... whilst his 'job' is done and dusted for the year.

OP posts:
Original poster
giadak · 17/12/2018 05:50

@tidydancer I totally agree.

Nooo. He doesn't pay for the lion's share of anything throughout the year. In fact; it is the opposite.

In response to the other postings; this is what I don't get.

If he can spend the time to make a list, he can surely go online and click 'buy'. In fact, the items he'd picked out are all available to purchase online from the actual store's website.

So what it comes down to; is that he CAN go ahead and do it - he just doesn't want to pay for it - which is a joke in itself.

OP posts:
Original poster
giadak · 17/12/2018 05:51

@tidydancer I totally agree.

Nooo. He doesn't pay for the lion's share of anything throughout the year. In fact; it is the opposite.

In response to the other postings; this is what I don't get.

If he can spend the time to make a list, he can surely go online and click 'buy'. In fact, the items he'd picked out are all available to purchase online from the actual store's website.

So what it comes down to; is that he CAN go ahead and do it - he just doesn't want to pay for it - which is a joke in itself.

OP posts:
Original poster
giadak · 17/12/2018 05:51

Oops. Posted twice.

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 17/12/2018 05:54

Why the fuck are you with him? Tight cunt.

TheDowagerCuntess · 17/12/2018 05:56

There is nothing magical about being taken for a feckin eejit.

What are you going to do, giadak?

famousfour · 17/12/2018 05:56

I can’t see his thinking here. Just say no. His relatives his issue. My DH and I pool our resources and I still don’t think I’m responsible for sorting out his present shopping Hmm

fuzzywuzzy · 17/12/2018 05:57

For Christmas I suggest you free yourself of this cocklodger.

Don’t do it just tell him you will stick to your traditions and each do your own shopping.

HumptyNumptyNooNoo · 17/12/2018 06:00

Ooh gosh ! Take him to see Scrooge today !!

Original poster
giadak · 17/12/2018 06:01

It's not even the money - despite my OP. If it was, all hell would have broken loose when anyone would have seen the imbalance in expenses.

My issue is that he's so vocal about how he's 'willing' to purchase gifts for his Mum and Dad - but I'm apparently 'responsible' for the rest of his (much larger) family. As though I'm supposed to be grateful that he's going to purchase presents for his OWN parents.

My parents don't actually ask for anything from ANYONE (and yes; they have money) - but I buy things for them because I WANT to. His family, however, reads like a laundry list of Tom Ford make up and Selfridges purchases.

OP posts:
Mayrhofen · 17/12/2018 06:07

I'm sorry love, but you are living with a cocklodger and a lazy one at that.

Say no.

Make 2019 a new year for you.

Minus him.

Canibuildasnowman · 17/12/2018 06:12

That would be a no bloody way from me! Even if he was paying for all of it I still wouldn’t do it!! My DW sorts her lot out, I do mine. And we pay for them separately too. I did buy and get the kids to write her parents and DSis Xmas cards as I was doing my DPs and Dsibs at the same time but that was the extent of it!
I’m not her P.A. And she’s not mine...

truthtopower · 17/12/2018 06:12

So what happens if you say no OP?

bananasandwicheseveryday · 17/12/2018 06:12

Sorry, I can't see what positive attributes he brings to your relationship. Unless I have missed something, he sounds selfish, and mean, neither of which are endearing qualities in anyone, let alone a partner.

I'd say no. And then I'd say goodbye.

Pachyderm1 · 17/12/2018 06:13

I don’t really see why this is an issue. You hold all the power here. What negative consequences are there for you just saying ‘nope, not going to do that’?

Just literally don’t do it. It is truly that simple.

Smurfybubbles · 17/12/2018 06:16

No fucking way would I let my DH/DP dump his Christmas workload on me. I absolutely love Christmas but I look after all the gifts/cards for my family and I leave my husband to his family. I may have to judge him along the way but ultimately it's his to arrange. You need to tell your DP no and leave him to it, if he forgets someone etc it's not your fault. I leave my DH to deal with everything in regards his family now it's so much easier and if they ask me things I tell them to talk to him!

AgentJohnson · 17/12/2018 06:19

Oh for gods sake woman, he’s taking the proverbial. He can ‘expect’ all he wants, that doesn’t mean you have to do anything.

How can you interpret his CFuckery as anything other than CFuckery. The very idea that you think he was thinking of you when he dumped all this on you and you didn’t give him immediate short shrift, screams that he knows your gullibility and has no qualms in exploiting it.

No is a complete sentence, if you are crazy enough to fulfill his expectations then you can ‘expect’ it will set a precedent and it will become one of your ‘jobs’ in the future.

HidDis · 17/12/2018 06:19

I'm confused about what you want from this thread as the presenting (pardon the pun) issue is easily solvable by saying no?

Do you really want to talk about your relationship and figuring out if/how you're going to leave?

Canibuildasnowman · 17/12/2018 06:19

I don’t see why you don’t tell him absolutely no way! Let him go off and complain about it, the first few people he bitches tonwill soon put him right! And if he can’t see what the issue is, well is he the person you want to spend your life with??

WereYouHareWhenIWasFox · 17/12/2018 06:24

How is this even a thread on mumsnet? How is it even a thought in your head? If I had been asked by my boyfriend to buy the Christmas presents for his family. I would have said “no” and the whole issue would be over. Seriously, why are you even still thinking about this? It is easy to just say you are not doing this.

eddielizzard · 17/12/2018 06:26

Is he like this about other things to?

I'd be saying an absolute fat NO.

AnyFucker · 17/12/2018 06:29

What is actually wrong with you ? Confused

Escolar · 17/12/2018 06:31

In what way are you benefiting from the “magical” element of all this when you don’t even spend Christmas with his family? So you don’t even get to see them open your carefully bought, paid for and wrapped gifts?

Put your foot down OP. Just tell him this isn’t working for you.

Urbanbeetler · 17/12/2018 06:33

Are you sure it’s not you who wants to buy for wider family? Does he even want to get them gifts? Is it because you think they ought to have gifts from him perhaps?

Ohyesiam · 17/12/2018 06:33

Have you said no yet?

WisdomOfCrowds · 17/12/2018 06:34

In his warped mind; he feels like he's doing me a favour as I get to do Christmass-y things - but he fails to realise that it also costs time, effort and money.

Oh come on mate, sorry to be blunt but you can't possibly be that naive. He doesn't feel like he's doing you a favour. He "fails to realise" nothing. He realises just bloody fine. Don't be a mug. The fact that you didn't immediately shoot this insane suggestion down shows that your boundaries have become well and truly fucked. Time to start drawing some lines or better yet, leave the tightarse

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