Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner expecting me to buy Christmas gifts for his entire family as well as our mutual friends.

233 replies

giadak · 17/12/2018 04:35

Hi all. I'm in a dilemma here - if you can call it that. I'm not overly close to my family - largely because I don't have a big family - and the remaining members have either moved/have their own families etc... There's no ill will, but we are just different.

I've been with my partner for 6-7 years. I always spend Christmas with my parents and he goes to spend Christmas with his family in the countryside. His family is larger and he has lots of elderly relatives, so we both think it is important that he spends time with them - and I spend time with my family. We have our own mini Christmas too obviously, but usually on Boxing Day. I have been to his side of the family, but around Christmas time as opposed to the actual day (25th) as I like to be back in the city by then.

Anyway; I like to plan gifts - as in make a list of gift recipients, figure out what I want to get for them, then shop online - or if I can't get it online; I'll go out and buy it. Saves a lot of time and hassle. We did the list together this year - and all was fine. We then started to shop online on both our laptops respectively.

He then blurted out that he's willing to buy the gifts for his Mum and Dad, but I should buy the gifts for his sister, his brother, his brother's wife, his nephew and his grandparents.

He sent me a list of things that they'd like - but I'm unsure as to what exactly he is contributing. He has a LOT of his own money - and I'm good with money on too. However; he feels that because I'm 'better' at gift-buying that he's going to leave it all to me. The total cost of the gifts that I'm 'supposed' to buy round up to around £700 whereas the cost of 'his' gifts came up to £200.

Bear in mind; I'm not even spending upwards of £700 on myself nor my own family members! Also, I'm not overly close to his family. I understand that he wants the gifts to be from both of us, but he's not buying a single thing for my family members - nor has he asked me what I'd like this year - which is frankly nothing at this point.

AIBU to think it's outrageous to spend so much on his family?!

No doubt I'll be left to do all the wrapping, writing the cards etc... whilst his 'job' is done and dusted for the year.

OP posts:
M0RVEN · 17/12/2018 09:01

Can I ask how old you are OP? you don’t mention kids, do you want to have them in the future ? Because this man will make a REALLY BAD father , he’s mean, selfish and entitled .

You are a smart woman, you ask for and listen to advice, you have a large caring family and a good job. What are you with this waste of space man ?

Pachyderm1 · 17/12/2018 09:04

Was met with accusations that I had 'an attitude' about his family.

Oh OP, he sounds horrible Sad

@whispertomegently why should she even bother with that though? He’s as capable of using the internet as OP. And he’s not 4, he doesn’t need a ‘wrapping station’ set up for him. It’s not OP’s job to create work for herself and infantilise her useless partner. And it’s not your job to do that for your DH either!

TheFatberg · 17/12/2018 09:05

Pachyderm1 rolled my eyes at "wrapping station" too. Why must we baby adult men?!

roundaboutthetown · 17/12/2018 09:18

Well, tbh, it is a bit weird that you spend Christmas in different places, dealing with "his and hers" relatives, but given that you do, it is not remotely weird that he should take responsibility for buying for his relatives and you for yours. It sounds like keeping your lives and finances a bit separate is the norm for you and as such, not fair you should pay for his extended family's presents - and definitely not fair you should be the one doing the legwork for him. Mind you, telling him he doesn't understand what makes a good present for a woman probably doesn't help the situation. It's like you have encouraged him to spend £700 on presents for his family, because you helped him choose ludicrously expensive presents, and then you don't want to take any responsibility for your advice. Better probably to keep out of it altogether, or to budget properly together, instead of operating in a weird sort of limbo where neither of you wants to take responsibility for your joint present choices.

DeepanKrispanEven · 17/12/2018 09:18

So how does he square his perception that you have an attitude to his family with his failure to volunteer to buy presents for yours?

ciderhouserules · 17/12/2018 09:19

Said I didn't have the time as I'm going to be running around this week - which is true - you are avoiding the confrontation, OP. You may not have the time, but you also don't want to do it, nor should do it.

moreover; that I didn't wan to do this anyway and that I was going to focus on my own (albeit smaller) family this year. - again, you are avoiding it. This implies that you will do it next year. And the one after that - because next year he'll say 'but you said you'll do it this year...'

You need to spell it out in very simple language - I am NOT doing your christmas shopping, nor am I paying for it. And I would like to hear your reasons why you think I am responsible for doing any of your 'wifework' and why you think I have 'an attitude' to it, when you don't?

And while you're at it, ask him why every minor member of his family gets presents to the total tune of £700, when you don't get anything?

GreenHillOpposite · 17/12/2018 09:19

whispertomegently what?? This thread is like a parallel universe.

I think that we're being set up!

Original poster
giadak · 17/12/2018 09:26

@BrendasUmbrella I think you've misunderstood. I make more money than he does and have never needed/depended on him for anything. Will go back and check though in case I've made a mistake in my previous posts!

@M0RVEN I'm 30. No kids! It's staying that way!

@roundaboutthetown Sad to say you've got it wrong. He screen-shared a list of gifts for his family members - but that was prior to ANY input I had at all - and it had already come to £700+. The only thing I had advised him about was a brand that do good skincare (good skincare isn't always expensive skincare) - which didn't even make the list he initially sent - meaning that the £700 wasn't even a complete list! I wish I was making this up. Sadly, I'm not.

OP posts:
Piewife · 17/12/2018 09:30

Op, you already know YANBU.

My DH is a scrooge and I do most of the gift buying at Christmas for our children and my family, but I make sure he pays his fair share and I am not shopping for the adults in his family (only a few children so I sort those to make sure they're not forgotten!). If they end up with nothing it's down to him. If he'd asked me to sort out his family's gifts and pay £700 for the privilege I'd have laughed and told him where to go.

Surely this is not for real?

eggncress · 17/12/2018 09:30

I’m glad you said no.

I suspect it’s the tip of the iceberg with him though.

Liverbird77 · 17/12/2018 09:33

No, no and no! I am not even spending close to £700 on the whole of Christmas. I do tend to buy the gifts for everyone, but we are married, have a joint account and discuss what we might want to give beforehand. I also work part time, so I am happy to pick up this task. We also spend Christmas together, wherever that may be.
If my circumstances were different, there is no way I would do it. Just laugh at him.

roundaboutthetown · 17/12/2018 09:34

giadak - then he really is a cheeky fucker with no excuses, if you had no input!

LakieLady · 17/12/2018 09:37

you don’t mention kids, do you want to have them in the future ? Because this man will make a REALLY BAD father , he’s mean, selfish and entitled .

God, yes. Because they were produced from your vagina, he'd treat them as your financial responsibility and expect you to pay for everything from the first babygrow to the venue for their eventual wedding.

babba2014 · 17/12/2018 09:41

Why didn't you just ask him for his card?
If he then said no you're paying then that would give a clear indicator that maybe he's not the right partner.

I don't buy for my DH's family either but I'd have a good time going on a shopping spree online and wrapping if I felt like it but with his card. If he said no it's all on you then I'd be shocked.

BrendasUmbrella · 17/12/2018 09:47

Where is even the fun in that though? It's not like she gets to pick out gifts, he had a shopping list ready. She would just get to be his PA - except his original idea was for her to cover the cost as well.

BrendasUmbrella · 17/12/2018 09:49

Sorry OP, I did misread!

So he is being a stereotypical cocklodger then.

BerylStreep · 17/12/2018 10:00

So what are his good points?

Do you live together? (I'm guessing yes, but you pay more of the bills - am I right?)

WilburforceRaven · 17/12/2018 10:08

Why didn't you just ask him for his card?

Because she's not his fucking PA.

gia, you're ignoring the elephant in the room: which is that you are paying to keep this man as a pet and he's a bitey, nasty twat of a pet at that.

And wtf with 'wrapping station'. He's a grown man. You have chosen to do separate Christmases, so he does his and you do yours.

Cath2907 · 17/12/2018 10:10

I love Xmas - but on my terms and doing the things I like doing. Buying for someone else's family would not be fun. To coin an MN phrase... "No is a full sentence".

Waddsup12 · 17/12/2018 10:13

I'd be asking why a lot.

Why does he expect you to buy for his family?

MiddlingMum · 17/12/2018 10:17

DH is spending the morning writing cards for his family and half of our neighbours and friends. He has bought vouchers for all of the children on his side of the family and is just about to take them to the post office. Because, you know, he's an adult.

Motoko · 17/12/2018 10:25

OP, there's nothing wrong with your posts, you clearly said you earned more than him, and that you have a small family (someone else seemed to think you have a large family). It's other people misreading your posts.

I don't think you should have said you were too busy, and wanted to buy for just your this year. As a pp said, that sets up an expectation that you will do it next year. He'll just give you the list earlier, so you have plenty of time to do it.

You need to make it clear to him that it's not going to happen ever. (And stop him taking advantage of you elsewhere in the relationship.)

LifeEhFindsAWay · 17/12/2018 11:09

I have no patience for this kind of thing. Don't be a martyr, just say no. Possibly LTB. If you want to be a doormat then go ahead but don't complain about it.

CottonTailRabbit · 17/12/2018 11:44

How can you be in this relationship? Don't you massively resent him?

You've been with him 23 - 30? Time to move on perhaps? You've grown apart? You don't want children but he wants a mummy.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 17/12/2018 12:24

God noooo....im a lone parent and find it stressful enough having to sort all of xmas on my own...no way if i had a partner would i be doing his family too....Op you need to put your foot down big time !!!