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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner expecting me to buy Christmas gifts for his entire family as well as our mutual friends.

233 replies

giadak · 17/12/2018 04:35

Hi all. I'm in a dilemma here - if you can call it that. I'm not overly close to my family - largely because I don't have a big family - and the remaining members have either moved/have their own families etc... There's no ill will, but we are just different.

I've been with my partner for 6-7 years. I always spend Christmas with my parents and he goes to spend Christmas with his family in the countryside. His family is larger and he has lots of elderly relatives, so we both think it is important that he spends time with them - and I spend time with my family. We have our own mini Christmas too obviously, but usually on Boxing Day. I have been to his side of the family, but around Christmas time as opposed to the actual day (25th) as I like to be back in the city by then.

Anyway; I like to plan gifts - as in make a list of gift recipients, figure out what I want to get for them, then shop online - or if I can't get it online; I'll go out and buy it. Saves a lot of time and hassle. We did the list together this year - and all was fine. We then started to shop online on both our laptops respectively.

He then blurted out that he's willing to buy the gifts for his Mum and Dad, but I should buy the gifts for his sister, his brother, his brother's wife, his nephew and his grandparents.

He sent me a list of things that they'd like - but I'm unsure as to what exactly he is contributing. He has a LOT of his own money - and I'm good with money on too. However; he feels that because I'm 'better' at gift-buying that he's going to leave it all to me. The total cost of the gifts that I'm 'supposed' to buy round up to around £700 whereas the cost of 'his' gifts came up to £200.

Bear in mind; I'm not even spending upwards of £700 on myself nor my own family members! Also, I'm not overly close to his family. I understand that he wants the gifts to be from both of us, but he's not buying a single thing for my family members - nor has he asked me what I'd like this year - which is frankly nothing at this point.

AIBU to think it's outrageous to spend so much on his family?!

No doubt I'll be left to do all the wrapping, writing the cards etc... whilst his 'job' is done and dusted for the year.

OP posts:
HappyEverIftar · 17/12/2018 07:24

What HidDis said.

This is bonkers.

PyeWackets · 17/12/2018 07:24

Why does he think this? Sounds like a complete asshole.

Just say no by the way, you can find out an awful lot about men when you say no to them.

Bungleinthejungle · 17/12/2018 07:25

I'm worried that if you do this, or even compromise and do the wrapping, it'll give this man the message that he can get away with murder.

I understand that not everyone has fantastic boundaries but it's important for you to know that this is a big boundary transgression. You have no obligation to do this in any way. He is completely taking the piss.

I'd worry that if he'd expecg this now, what would he be like if you had children. Would you work, do all the childcare, AND all the housework too while he had his down time and did his hobby.

If you really want to stay with this man, make sure you reconsider all your boundaries with him and put him straight on what are reasonable expectations.

DownTownAbbey · 17/12/2018 07:25

You know he sees pound signs when he looks at you, don't you?

IggyAce · 17/12/2018 07:26

He’s a CF just tell him no.

Original poster
giadak · 17/12/2018 07:27

Just did. (Yes, really!) Said I didn't have the time as I'm going to be running around this week - which is true - but moreover; that I didn't wan to do this anyway and that I was going to focus on my own (albeit smaller) family this year.

Was met with accusations that I had 'an attitude' about his family.

Oh well.

OP posts:
HidDis · 17/12/2018 07:27

PyeWackets

by the way, you can find out an awful lot about men when you say no to them.

This is so wise! Thinking about it applies to everyone? I'm going to start do this...

rookiemere · 17/12/2018 07:28

I think the point of this thread was for us all to agree how hard done by OP is and what an idiot her DP is. I'll agree with the latter but OP you're the one making a choice to accept this. If you pay for those gifts- and I get the strong impression you're going to -then that's on you not on him.

Babygrey7 · 17/12/2018 07:30

Sounds like he is making you pay (literally) for the privilege of having him as a boyfriend

Give yourself some self esteem.for Christmas

This is such a sad set-up

ChasedByBees · 17/12/2018 07:30

I don’t understand why he think that this might happen. Why does he think asking you to pay £700 when he has money reasonable? And why didn’t you laugh and say no immediately?

Fightthebear · 17/12/2018 07:31

Well done op!

ItWentInMyEye · 17/12/2018 07:32

I'm speechless that he thought it was ever going to happen!

Ragwort · 17/12/2018 07:32

Why are you with someone who shows you so little respect? Please don’t reply ‘He’s a good man & I love him’ Hmm.

LoniceraJaponica · 17/12/2018 07:32

Why do you buy friends presents? We never do. And how much do you spend on family members for it to come to so much? We have a budget of £20 each for siblings, nephews and nieces. Obviously I spend more than that on OH and DD.

GreenHillOpposite · 17/12/2018 07:33

Was met with accusations that I had 'an attitude' about his family. Oh well.

What? In what way?

Original poster
giadak · 17/12/2018 07:34

Oops. Forgot to say that my last post was in response to someone asking: "Have you said no yet?"

Hence why I started my last post with: "Just did!"

To those asking if I'm going to do it/to those who may have misunderstood - I'm definitely not going to do it.

Yes, there are things that I understand better than him - for example one of those being things that women would like to receive as a gift. For example; his sister is into skincare - and he's clearly not.

I'm happy to advise/point (anyone) in the right direction, but then to buy his extended family and their children presents..... no.

OP posts:
FleeceDetective · 17/12/2018 07:35

His next move is going to be to ask for a ‘loan’ as you’ve ‘let him down’ so late in the day by refusing, and you are being ‘unbelievably cruel’ to his family and ‘ruining Christmas.’

Etc etc.

He’s going to have no intention of paying for all of this.

Hanuman · 17/12/2018 07:38

Why don't you ask him why he isn't doing gifts for your family? Is that an attitude?

Collaborate · 17/12/2018 07:38

If you have an attitude re his family, then so does he. The cheeky fucker.

Juells · 17/12/2018 07:39

At least he's a DP and not a DH

MsJolly · 17/12/2018 07:42

Fuck that shit!

And no!

trojanpony · 17/12/2018 07:44
Confused An attitude?

Out of interest what is he like in other areas of your life?
Is it only Christmas he expects you to sub or other things?

E.g. do you subsidise holidays (you each “pay half” only your half is £1k flights and his is £700 for hotel etc.

CottonTailRabbit · 17/12/2018 07:45

How about a New Year resolution: say No more often, don't be a mug, learn to live happily with male disapproval.

ZenNudist · 17/12/2018 07:46

Is this a good relationship that you actually want to be in? From your snapshot it does not sound like it. I think it sounds like a red flag and a reason to get out. I can't imagine being stuck with someone with this attitude for the rest of my life.

Sorry to jump straight to ltb, but really he sounds very disrespectful and grabby.

angieloumc · 17/12/2018 07:47

He sounds horrible OP, you did right by saying no. £700 is ridiculous anyway but that's besides the point, even if it was £70 expecting you to shop and pay for them is out of order.